i'm such a wreck right now. Help.Nonchalance fail.

[jeepman41]

I just looked at the two last posts I had, with the last two great women i've been with, within the last 10months. why do i keep losing attraction towards them?

 

 

Are you approaching these relationships with unrealistic expectations? Relationships take a certain amount of energy to maintain but it should be fun.

[sfindependent]

@jeepman,

 

Yes and no. I'm pretty realistic and expectant of bad qualities that come with good qualities. I usually give people a chance when it comes to showing who they are as a person. I expect the same towards me. I really don't know why i lost interest this time, she's smart, funny, cute, energetic, bubbly, intelligent, practical and thinks a lot like me.

 

i'm still in a state of "i'm not sure if i did the right thing" mood. I told myself i'll give it a week. She and I are not going anywhere without me giving it proper thought.

 

i've also got a lot of personal thinking to do. I have to be honest, a big part of my hesitance too was there was another woman (whom i've broken up a while back with) that kept on popping in my head. I've not spoken with her in months and it ended bitterly but i was very much physcially attracted to her. I've always said, "i wish i was as attracted to Oprah as I was to 23.".

 

I know. it's an emotional mess. To be honest, now that i think about it, its sort of good i'm stepping back away from me and Oprah's erlationship. I've got my mind everywhere else other than a relationship with her. From financial (the biggest part) to some lingering thoughts about an ex. Maybe, if i give myself a good enough time to clear my head, i'll be able to start something fresher and more significant monogamous relationship.

 

sf

[sfindependent]

WOW.

 

So, Tuesday this week, a friend of mine texted me at around 1030am. "Have you seen FB??!?!" i immediately checked it and there it was. "Oprah is now in a relationship with...".

 

TWO DAYS we were broken up (or whatever u call it) and she's in a relationship?!?

 

NOTE: i think the new guy (or rather in this case, old) is her ex whom she was with when she was living out of state...

 

Anyway, that was tuesday. I didnt hear from her that day but wednesday came and she texted me, saying she was on her way to drop off some i owned. I said "no, lets just talk some other time". she insisted but when she finally got to my place, me and my buddy had already left my house. SHe said "so it's always on your terms?". "no, if u told me u were coming, i wouldve stayed or we couldve scheduled it a different time."

 

Later on that night, she texted me again,telling me about how she scraped her knee. She was drunk. So i texted her back saying "you'd probablyhate me for saying this tonight but you'l thank me later: straighten the heck up". her rebuttle was "you're the worst. the WORST"

 

didnt hear from her two days after, then she texts me. Asking if i was still alive and was hoping i wasn't mad at her or dead somewhere (i've been NC). She also said "i love u, lets talk sometime". uhhhhhh. what?

 

anyway, i'm feeling sort of weirded out. I've been thinking, maybe its her trying to make me feel jealous, make me feel like i should chase her and get her back. But instead it was pushing me away.

 

just feeling frustrated.

[sfindependent]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMM BAAAAAACKKKKK!!!!

 

But in good spirits.

 

UPDATE#1 The girl whom I initially started talking about in this unusually long post.... Ladies, Gentlemen, brace yourselves. WE ARE FRIENDS. like legit, friends. We talk everyday, mostly on gchat. I can honestly say, no sexual tension here or any ulterior motives. She's met some of the people i've dated, I've met her man (of 4years now, almost) and she's stayed over my place (and me hers) without any physcial contact (actually, the thought of contact like that weirds us out....). so people, just an update and ashout out. it maynot be how you want it, but in the end, it would work out if it should.

 

UPDATE#2 Oprah. we broke up almost a year now. Tried talking, under "beign friends"... and couldnt handle how I actually WAS trying to be her friend. We didnt speak for 6mos and then went radio silence again just 2-3months ago again. (She came back wanting to be friends, i agreed and she broke it off again). I miss her presence, but if its not the right time, it isnt the right time.

 

be patient my friends. Love will come.

[sfindependent]

I love the fact that everytime i experience heartache and heartbreak due to a recent break up, I can come back here and find everyone's loving words and advice. I still live and learn through your words and encouragement.

 

recently broke up with a lovely irish gal, whom i met via tinder date. she had to leave a collective week after i met her to move to australia and this time i said to my self "F it, i'm going to abandon all my fears and go all (or almost all) out for this one. Soon enough, I traveled half way across the world to see her during her one year stay in Melbourne. A year later, i traveled back again to meet her in a different country to celebrate her moving back to the US. Now I admit, there were some things that I did/ said that would have pushed her back, but i tried in my own way to care for her and show her i loved her and wanted to make it work. we met several other times through out the year.

 

Fast forward, she moves back to the US and we're still together. We found ourselves constantly fighting and we obviously had built resentment towards each other from the continuing fighting. Finally came to a halt the other week. We sat down and ended things amicably.

 

Of course, i set myself to think of what i had done to contribute to my relationships' demise. I realize that i had opportunities to show "love" in a way she would interpret as loving, but it was too late. I felt stifled, pressured and unable to move on and we were stuck. I wanted to be accountable for my own actions.

 

Once we broke up, i felt the pressure lift. Now I can love her freely, express myself and share myself to her.

 

BUUT. It's too late. she acts aloof, questioning me now on why I am now available to express myself freely and seem to be in such a good place. Emotionally, i've learned to detach myself and allow my partners to breathe and have space. But honestly, i told her, i felt i was able to distance myself in a way where I can personally show my affection, where i wasn't in a place where i had to show it HER way how to love her. i told her i'll leave her alone. and now i'm assuming am on NC. I took her off my feed from FB and insta.

 

I also apologized to her. Sincerely, from all the things i did, purposefully and inadvertently. How I left her feeling unloved when i absolutely did. But the biggest thing i absolved her for, was the blame. If i find myself having thoughts of blaming her for her actions, I pause and take account of how I played a part in all this. I didn't want one day solid time for us. I didn't want one hour of phone convo when she was gone. I felt at the time we were already doing so. going out on dates. talking on the phone consistently. i felt disingenuous when there's a script. And

 

However, things weren't all that bad, from my stand point. We talked consistently on the phone when she was away. We hung out a lot when she was here. it felt as if she wanted more and i couldn't give that, not for some reasons i'm going to enumerate in a few. I felt we were skipping steps in the relationship. she felt entitled to a lot of the benefits of being a girlfriend despite not having put the time and effort in, just yet.

 

But before you react or judge, I did my part as well. Well enough not to deserve to be thought of as a bad partner.

 

Things I communicated to her about: she came from an abusive relationship from an abusive relationship and i've felt as if she projected a lot of her feelings about it towards me. i often found myself saying "i'm not him!". I consistently argued about how i'm not a bad guy, or how she painted me. I also felt she judged me and my friends for what we do with most of our time (they like to drink and do drink related activities such as going to the ball park, playing board games etc) and the like. while i do like to drink, i am far from a dependent. I like a lot of things about her, especially the fact that she wants to make a better life for herself. But i firmly believe that you can have a better life without having to judge others or think negatively of the things you'd like to avoid. She, i felt, had to demonize and rationalize things in order for her to feel better about her choices in life.

 

I also felt that she was trying to turn me into someone i'm not, which is fine if done gradually. We all learn new ways of living and become better versions of ourselves through our partners but i felt as if she didn't appreciate my foundation of who i am as a person (I communicated this as well to her). I am all for becoming a better person.

 

I did lie to her, and I got caught. But frankly, it wasn't to cheat or do anything. I used to date one of my now closest friends and i hid that from her initially. I did eventually tell her and explained myself for why i lied continuously. For her, lying is the biggest sin to commit to her. I understand and take accountability for my actions. A lie is a lie.

 

i felt as if she was sabotaging our relationship from the beginning (i told her that too). A little error here and there were egregious for her. Arguments were always days long, even from the beginning of our relationship. Conversations were going in circles and none of it felt resolved, despite me explaining my actions. What made it worse was that she always brought back a lot of the issues again when we had arguments. If i put it on a timeline, and we were at argument E, she would dip back to argument A, then B all the way to E. It was cyclical. It was exhausting (and i told her that). She told me her love language was "listening" and feeling as if she's been heard. But my efforts to communicate with her weren't being heard. If she brought up something that affected her and i'd try to explain myself or make sense of the situation, she'd feel as if i was de-validating her feelings. I told her "I'm not saying how you felt is wrong about ________. I am explaining what had happened and why and MAYBE you'd change how you feel about ______." it didn't work. it never worked. She's made up her mind about something and no amount of explaining would change her mind. She wanted to be listened but never listened herself, i feel. She would constantly put meaning (negative meaning) to most things. I honestly feel she tried hard to convince herself i didn't care about her when i did.

 

I felt she judged a lot of the things i did or surround myself with. I am not about judging people based on pre-concieved notions.... ok scratch that. I judge but i try as hard to minimize it or at least legitimize my judgement in some way.

 

i also felt she was somewhat selfish. When she moved back to the US, she purposefully got an apartment that could take dogs (i've two) which i found sweet (but she later would use it in arguments saying "I even got an apartment for your dogs! what did i get this apartment for?). When the time came where i would stay over her place, she jokingly (i thought) said "leave the other one at home. I just like the other one". I came over and had the two dogs with me. She complained and we argued. She was apparently serious about me leaving my older dog at home for the night and i only take the younger one because of a)b)c) factor. I cannot even begin to tell you how many levels of wrong i felt that was. Those weren't the only instances, oh how i felt she was being selfish. But that one took the cake.

 

Reading and writing this, makes me feel better and realize that, while she had great qualities of a girlfriend and a partner (she loved doing outdoor, active and introspective activities), i feel that i wasn't wrong with distancing myself the way i did from her throughout the relationship. There was an equal amount of negativity from her and her past that she carried on her shoulders. I repeatedly told her I respected her emotions and wanted to support her and be there for her; but made it clear that I also did not want her to dump her emotions on me. Telling your emotions to someone is one thing, it's another to dump their frustrations and feelings on to you. I told her i didn't want to be her crutch, that she was a strong woman and capable of dealing with her emotions so i let her have her space. She interpreted it as "i don't want your emotions, you are on your own there buddy" despite my constant reiteration that i validated her feelings. To this day, i don't think she understands, hears and appreciates the space and the clarity of how i wanted my role as a partner to be for her. Her resentment for my errors throughout the relationship and her need to feel vindicated from her past were more valuable than our relationship in it by itself, i feel.

 

As i said in the beginning of this long post, I do not blame her. It's her path. it's her way of dealing with things. I just need to find peace that her war is within herself, and not with me.

[sfindependent]

I feel like, i was managed out subconsciously.

 

Ugh. i feel gross and blah.

[jengh]

Wow, I feel like so much time has passed and I don't know the first thing about you anymore, although, I smiled when I read she is an Irish gal. Of course she is. I stumbled upon this by pure chance, I downloaded the Tapatalk app and logged into ena for the first time in literally years and forgot I did so and a few weeks later, I see a notification on my phone and this thread is "recommended". I'm sorry to hear that you've found your self in this situation. I want to commend you for your progress though-it sounds like you're handling this with serious thought and maturity (except for the "tinder" bit, but, I guess I can't expect perfection). I have to admit I only read this latest post and none of the other 88(!?) Pages so I really have no advice other than that I am proud of you for taking the risk for her. Maybe it won't work out, maybe it will; but you TRIED and that is so big for you. Don't feel gross or blah. Unless you haven't been bathing and smell, in which case, wash yo self.

[sfindependent]

Wow, I feel like so much time has passed and I don't know the first thing about you anymore, although, I smiled when I read she is an Irish gal. Of course she is. I stumbled upon this by pure chance, I downloaded the Tapatalk app and logged into ena for the first time in literally years and forgot I did so and a few weeks later, I see a notification on my phone and this thread is "recommended". I'm sorry to hear that you've found your self in this situation. I want to commend you for your progress though-it sounds like you're handling this with serious thought and maturity (except for the "tinder" bit, but, I guess I can't expect perfection). I have to admit I only read this latest post and none of the other 88(!?) Pages so I really have no advice other than that I am proud of you for taking the risk for her. Maybe it won't work out, maybe it will; but you TRIED and that is so big for you. Don't feel gross or blah. Unless you haven't been bathing and smell, in which case, wash yo self.

 

BAHAHAHAHHA I'm glad you're around, Jengh. and i've grown up tremendously. We both have. And i met her on the Tinds just coz. i don't think there's anything wrong with that, personally. You can find love in all places.

 

and I did, i did try. and i did shower. it's good tho. i find myself surrounded by friends who are supportive, and will tell me if i screwed up (they did on some points) but in a bigger way, they told me i stood by what i believed was right, and the gestures i did were genuine and that i cared for her deeply. It just wasn't a match for love styles. I know i'll get better.

[jengh]

BAHAHAHAHHA I'm glad you're around, Jengh. and i've grown up tremendously. We both have. And i met her on the Tinds just coz. i don't think there's anything wrong with that, personally. You can find love in all places.

 

and I did, i did try. and i did shower. it's good tho. i find myself surrounded by friends who are supportive, and will tell me if i screwed up (they did on some points) but in a bigger way, they told me i stood by what i believed was right, and the gestures i did were genuine and that i cared for her deeply. It just wasn't a match for love styles. I know i'll get better.

Lol, it's funny, I literally haven't been around for years and this is my first post since like 2012 apparently, but something told me to login.

 

Oh, I'm not bashing or judging the tinder thing. I, of all people, can fully appreciate that you can literally find love anywhere. I'm just saying, (you) would be the one to find it on tinder

I'm going to PM you in a few minutes, once I change Esme's diaper and get her ready to go to the city. I just wanted to let you know that I am proud of you for taking that leap of faith with her.

[sfindependent]

Lol, it's funny, I literally haven't been around for years and this is my first post since like 2012 apparently, but something told me to login.

 

Oh, I'm not bashing or judging the tinder thing. I, of all people, can fully appreciate that you can literally find love anywhere. I'm just saying, (you) would be the one to find it on tinder

I'm going to PM you in a few minutes, once I change Esme's diaper and get her ready to go to the city. I just wanted to let you know that I am proud of you for taking that leap of faith with her.

 

YOU NEVER CALLED MEEEEEEE!!!! it's ok. i know you have to take care of the bebes and the hubz. it's so nice to hear from you though. I'm glad life seems to look up on you. I'm proud of you! We should catch up at some point though. and bring the bebz! they're super adorbs.