i'm such a wreck right now. Help.Nonchalance fail.

[twitchyfingers]

Hey, sf, what's shakin'?

 

Ah, should be good times having your MI Ex in town. Nice having your own place so you can have friends over whenever, without having to negotiate with roomies, am I right? And she'll be a good sounding board to show off the new you. You said you two aren't planning to "get back together" at the moment, but do you anticipate the possibility of this week taking a turn for the romantic with her? Feel free to ignore the question if it's none of my damn business.

 

Hey, this is off the topic, but I had a question for you: I have an interest in maaaaaaaaaaybe doing a career transition toward geriatric something-or-other, with an eye toward doing advocacy work of some kind for the oldsters. It might or might not involve some sort of technology initiative (I'm a programmer). Do you know of anyone doing any interesting work using computers to help our oldies, in any way? PM me if you have any thoughts, wouldja?

[sfindependent]

twitchy!!!

 

thanks for the post. Yeah, i'm really excited about it. Ok, well, there's a chance that it can turn into a 10day romantic get away. She's always called me "hot" and thought that i'm this one good lookin skinny piece of meat she'd devour so i'm kind of open in whatever will happen.. i'm single and can have fun.

 

a couple of interesting thngs have been happening lately.

 

ok this will sound funny. i used to date a girl from MS that i worked with. horrible relationship. horrible. we fought all the time, yelled at each other all the time. That was 6 years ago. We reconnected via Fb and have hung out a few times in the city (she lives here too). Anyway, last night she asks me what i was doing out of the blue. now, i didnt have any plans or anything so i agreed to hang out. By the time she got to my place i was hungry and instead of going out, made us dinner instead. and we talked. for hours.

 

and it wasn't bad talk. It was awesome we're communicating talk. we acknowledged things didn't work out between us yes, that we were better off as friends etc etc which i'm so happy about. She opened up to me about how her life has been and we really really connected. Not in a romantic sense but when we were talking, i realized the quality of "maturity" i had with her, and we really talked from the heart. (it wasn't a break up/reconcile talk, but life in general). Like, "this is how i want to communicate with the most recent ex!" It was a supportive talk about our own ex's, major life decision etc and i've not had that in a long time with someone i was romantically and intimately. At the end of our dinner, she said "i didn't know that we were going to start talking about that, but after talking with you about my life probs and what's been going on, i feel much better. it made me feel good knowing i had that unbiased, impact in her life. after a little convincing from MS, i felt a great deal of relief from knowing that relationships can get better. And we'd never know what or who or how things will end or where the good stuff really begins. we're good friends now. i mean, not best buds, but i know that the contact i have with her will be meaningful and with substance. She agreed on every word i said about the beauty of our new found friendship and the kind i'd like to have with her. Not only that, but she put someinsight and reflection into it. A sign of a real, genuine intimate conversation with someone. Something i can never have with the ex because after a while, she literally "checks out" and becomes frustrated with me trying to talk to her... i go in circles because i'm always trying to talk to her and the one word responses i get wasn't enough for me to feel i was being heard.

 

i probably might never get the same kind of connection i had with MS last night with Ex. I'm really slowly realizing that. she's not capable of having that with me. usually i'd say "whatever" meaning i don't care in a prideful "screw u then" manner... but not today. if she cannot have that with me, this love is too precious to be turned into apathy, hate and resentment. i love her genuinely. But if she doesn't want it and is "busy" all the time with something/someone more important it's fine. I'll live. i've my own life to live. i can give this love to someone else who would cherish it for the long run. i love her and if she doesn't return it, what really can i do, but accept it, right?

 

I've mentioned to the ex that i was appreciative of what effort she put in to us and how special she made me feel and all that and her response was "thanks, i preferred to have heard that a year ago but thanks again." true. But for me, im NOT looking for her to come back rushing in my arms or begging me to come back. I'm not forcing, pushing, prodding or probing into her life. One day i wish we can have another go at it that's with all honesty. But for the mean time, the lines are open. She's free to call me. She's free to connect with me. if there's a way to make her WANT to take my olive branch and do so, i'd like to know. time is on myside. I'll fill it with moments that actually matter.

 

Sure twitchy, or PM me too. I'm not really sure what you're looking for exactly. maybe you can expound on that?

 

btw MS wants to meet MI girl this weekend at B2B. How awesome is that? it will be awkward in the beginning but it sort of trumps out the quality of relationship i don't have with the ex (i should call her FL, for the hell of it, lol), where there's a level of connection that was built upon communicating and placing some risk into it by saying "ok, i'll open up". MI does that. MS does that. FL doesn't. it's always under the table. and seriously, it's BS that she'd say i wish i would've said that along time ago. I told her everyday how much i loved her. How much she meant to me and how much i'd really want to be with her in the years to come. Every day. literally told her i loved her. i even have this "i have to" thing of saying "i love you" by the time we go to bed.

[sfindependent]

Shootin positive vibes to this thread people. 1day til MI girl gets here, 3days before bay to breakers.

 

Love life and smile folks.

[jengh]

I love being referred to as MI girl...hahah.

[sfindependent]

a little less than 12 hrs, jen!!!!! errry body, the lovely MI girl.

[ClarenceRutherford]

I love being referred to as MI girl...hahah.

a little less than 12 hrs, jen!!!!! errry body, the lovely MI girl.

Have a good visit, jengh, but don't break his heart... just yet

 

Nice profile pic, BTW.

[sfindependent]

this heart aint gonna let itself be broken anymore! lol. jen's cool. we've got that thing going where we can talk about almost anything and it won't bother us. I guess we're realistic like that? I don't know.

 

I'm running on a few hours of sleep, my throat is coarse and itchy. I think i've got to clean up my place when she gets to mine (i din't have time to clean up) and maybe get ready for a possible impromptu BBQ on Bay to Breakers day.

 

I'm feeling good. I'm appreciative that people like MI girl (weird to be calling you Jen here, Jen) and other folks come out to see me. I hope my positive outlook and changing treatment towards others shine from me and people i've burned bridges with, disconnected from and even better, attract them back towards me. I feel great about myself.

 

Off topic: since jan i've lost so much weight (Jan i was 145, not i'm at 129)...i've been biking like mad (i'm not a cyclist although i do run a vintage 10speed) around one of the hill-iest cities in the world...i do it out of need for work, pleasure, and just plain everyday necessity... i've also been eating somewhat healthier (some choices better than others)... my buddy said that before i gain muscle i have to lose the body fat i've left and i've been doing so by walking and riding up the hills of SF. Is this true? some of my muscles have become more apparent but i still look thin. I want muscle and bulk up a little... beach body weather, not Tommy Lee skinny (which i'm turning into).

 

Anyway, i'm a little excited a buinch of new random friends (they hardly know each other) that are going to join me for B2B... i'm a little nervous the party (if i get to throw one) won't be a success. Me and the ex threw successful parties all the time and without her i'm a little scurred. which is weird because the parties i threw were for MY friends and FL girl didn't know them at all. i guess that speaks for the kind of friends i have, right? They just used to be a cluster of odd people that didn't know each other and now, i'll find out that one hung out with the other without me. I'm happy i've bridged connections.

 

wish us luck in having a fun Bay to Breakers weekend!

 

PS: What's a good costume to wear? I didn't have time to make, buy or borrow one so i was wondering what me and my friends can be... it has to be a group theme.

 

for those who don't know what bay to breakers is, google for images from last year. It's one big drinking, halloween type of marathon where 100,000 (or more literally) run, walk a kew odd K's through SF. It's awesome.

[anthony4]

Hello MI girl!

Glad to see your spirits so high SF, and everyone here have a great weekend!!

[Real Deal]

So the MI girl is coming to visit? Ya know, I heard a saying in a movie the rings to true and applies to your situation (and mine and likely every other guy on this site).

 

Men that get along great with women do so because they get can along great without them.

 

This is pretty much in line with having a great life outside of your love life, which it sounds like you are working towards. However, just a few days ago you were posting about the ex and that you miss her. Sounds to me like you are just trying to fill that 'void'/get that comfort, hence back in touch with old GF. I have a friend that is doing the same thing. Divorced two years ago now back in touch with ex GF from TEN YEARS AGO. He didn't admit it for a few weeks but now he says that "she reminds her of his ex wife" and she was one of only two loves of his life. Keep in mind I talk to the guy several times a week for the last 18 months and he had only mentioned her once or twice.

 

Really? Not to mention he has done ZERO work on himself. This is where you are at an advantage because you want to improve and 'break the neediness'. Just be careful brother that you are talking to/seeing MI girl for the right reasons and NOT because it is 'easy'/gives you comfort.

 

As for the weight thing - 129? Jeez man, how tall are you? Yes, always better to lose fat first if you can before bulking up. However, when you go to bulk you will invaribly put some back on unless you are SUPER disciplined with your eating. I'm sure you know, but stick to the basics when you do - lots of protien and "good carbs". Try to cut ALL sugar out of your diet and any type of white bread, white rice, etc (processed carbs). No soda, diet or otherwise. Drink water!!

 

I too am a naturally lean guy and was always pretty thin and it wasn't until I hit my mid-30's that I was able to put any size on. If you are going to work out for any type of size focus on compound exercised, squat, bench, pull ups, etc. for the first month or two. Don't leave legs out of the equation at all - huge mistake. Mulitple benefits there but it produces a lot of testostorone too.

[sfindependent]

So the MI girl is coming to visit? Ya know, I heard a saying in a movie the rings to true and applies to your situation (and mine and likely every other guy on this site).

 

Men that get along great with women do so because they get can along great without them.

 

I'm not sure exactly what you meant by this Real, so hopefully it's good and i'll just take it as a compliment hahahaha. Seriously, i do work well with women friends, acquaintances etc... I always have. I guess that that's why i've chosen the career path i'm in. it compliments my personality and my "social"ness. heheheh.

 

This is pretty much in line with having a great life outside of your love life, which it sounds like you are working towards. However, just a few days ago you were posting about the ex and that you miss her. Sounds to me like you are just trying to fill that 'void'/get that comfort, hence back in touch with old GF. I have a friend that is doing the same thing. Divorced two years ago now back in touch with ex GF from TEN YEARS AGO. He didn't admit it for a few weeks but now he says that "she reminds her of his ex wife" and she was one of only two loves of his life. Keep in mind I talk to the guy several times a week for the last 18 months and he had only mentioned her once or twice.

 

Really? Not to mention he has done ZERO work on himself. This is where you are at an advantage because you want to improve and 'break the neediness'. Just be careful brother that you are talking to/seeing MI girl for the right reasons and NOT because it is 'easy'/gives you comfort.

 

oh yeah, i completely am making sure i don't walk towards the wrong direction. MI girl and i have always been in contact give or take a couple of months of breaking up. we talked through out my relationship with FL and while with her relationships with her ex bf's. Me (and her) are completely aware (and have openly talked about it) that we are at a point in our lives where we have to prioritize our own lives before anything happens between us (if anything even does) or with someone else entirely. right now as she said last night... she's happy she has me in her life as a super close friend.

 

i do miss my ex, no doubt, i've not denied that. i'm not heartless. But it's helping me become a better person. How? Because each time i reflect on my actions and my contributions to me and FL's relationship, i recognize that i'm not perfect, i can improve on myself and when the time comes will be ready for a relationship with the person i meet and choose to be with. btw, after this month there's absolutely no reason for me and the ex to speak. my car would be out of the garage and i would have mailed her the notification of termination of insurance first of June. my ego's still hurt from the rejection from FL. I'm not the first person in this world who wants another try with the ex purely on an egotistical level. in a way, i think it's healthy to an extent because if i completely did not grieve and acknowledge my faults in the relationship, i wouldn't have the same motivation to learn what's wrong with me and improve myself for the next person, get?

 

As for the weight thing - 129? Jeez man, how tall are you? Yes, always better to lose fat first if you can before bulking up. However, when you go to bulk you will invaribly put some back on unless you are SUPER disciplined with your eating. I'm sure you know, but stick to the basics when you do - lots of protien and "good carbs". Try to cut ALL sugar out of your diet and any type of white bread, white rice, etc (processed carbs). No soda, diet or otherwise. Drink water!!

 

I too am a naturally lean guy and was always pretty thin and it wasn't until I hit my mid-30's that I was able to put any size on. If you are going to work out for any type of size focus on compound exercised, squat, bench, pull ups, etc. for the first month or two. Don't leave legs out of the equation at all - huge mistake. Mulitple benefits there but it produces a lot of testostorone too.

 

yeah, i know! it sucks. it's the daily riding and the walking. I'm naturally skinny (small boned) and young looking (if i shave, i look like i'm 15, seriously). FL fed me like a beast. when i started dating her, i was 132-135lbs, with beer weight. i guess, in my case, the way to my heart is literally through my mouth and stomach. hahahaha

 

MI and I are having fun. Keeping it low key for a bit staying at home and all that. i told her this trip is more of not trying to impress each other, but given we've known each other for so long, just be real with each other and ourselves. We are enjoying each other's company and have little to no expectations, which is great. I'm happy she's here to help me through a sort of a tough time in my life.

[ClarenceRutherford]

As for the weight thing - 129? Jeez man, how tall are you? Yes, always better to lose fat first if you can before bulking up. However, when you go to bulk you will invaribly put some back on unless you are SUPER disciplined with your eating. I'm sure you know, but stick to the basics when you do - lots of protien and "good carbs". Try to cut ALL sugar out of your diet and any type of white bread, white rice, etc (processed carbs). No soda, diet or otherwise. Drink water!!

.

I haven't sipped a soft drink in years.... More a matter of personal taste..

Drink lemon or lime water throughout the day.

 

Haven't exercised, but usually eat whole wheat bread and try to limit sugar.

Not overweight, not skinny either... but am so glad I didn't take to beer and soft drinks...

[sfindependent]

hahah that's when you shift from heavy carb'd beer to good ol' hard whiskey... hahahaha

 

i can go without soda, but coffee is a completely different ball game.

[ClarenceRutherford]

hahah that's when you shift from heavy carb'd beer to good ol' hard whiskey... hahahaha

 

i can go without soda, but coffee is a completely different ball game.

I brew ice tea in the a.m...... for my caffeine fix.

 

Kicked soft drinks in college. Used to buy a lot of Pepsi.. had a dorm fridge. Finally figured out the bad taste in my mouth was the aftertaste from all the carbonated beverages....

Switched to Slice drinks and "natural" colas, etc.

 

Now only tea and lime/lemon water.... Have to cut out the caffeine in afternoons if I want to sleep at night...

Will sip wine though and like a good margarita... But mostly non-alcoholic...

 

Have never been drunk, though my wife (before she met me) has been intoxicated...

[sfindependent]

[quoteHave never been drunk, though my wife (before she met me) has been intoxicated...

]

 

... wait what? seriously?

 

i feel bad now. Especially when hangovers are nothing to me now. I power through it like a champ, lol.

 

man, i'm such a bad influence too. i bet i can get you drunk if you ever come out to CA. lol.

 

i'll get clean, someday. yes. one of my many, lofty goals. Sobreity. I'll wait until twitchy, MIC, Real, pbsurf, FLman and the rest of the gang here come out to CA... and THEN i'll quit the day after, lol.

 

how's errryone doin?

[ClarenceRutherford]

Originally Posted by ClarenceRutherford

Have never been drunk, though my wife (before she met me) has been intoxicated...

... wait what? seriously?

 

i feel bad now. Especially when hangovers are nothing to me now. I power through it like a champ, lol.

 

man, i'm such a bad influence too. i bet i can get you drunk if you ever come out to CA. lol.

 

i'll get clean, someday. yes. one of my many, lofty goals. Sobreity. I'll wait until twitchy, MIC, Real, pbsurf, FLman and the rest of the gang here come out to CA... and THEN i'll quit the day after, lol.

 

how's errryone doin?

Imagine you could corrupt me.

 

Have nothing against those that drink nor think I'm necessarily better than anyone else.... I just never took a likin' to it.

My wife, I think, got drunk on wine at a wine festival. I have never seen her intoxicated.

[TomboyMS]

Hey SF, are you still kickin' or what?

[sfindependent]

TOMBOY! yes i'm very much alive. as a matter of fact, i JUST logged on today (don't have net at home for the meantime)...

 

so an update:

 

MI girl has been staying over at my place, and it's been great overall. I'm not in a position to speak on her behalf but i can say that her staying here has been as life changing for her as it has been for me, in our own terms and definitions of life. I really hope she finds true happiness. me being a big part of her life means a lot to me.

 

anyway, since i can't speak for her (MI), i can only say what's been going on on myside of the world. So far, she's been very helpful about pointing out what's wrong (and what's good)with me. Not in a bad way, but things i need to improve on myself. she's only been here a week or so and she's made me feel like i can be a better person, i feel truly blessed to have someone like that in my life. she's also made me realize that my actions do hurt other people, including her (MI) which leads me to realize, i've done more wrong between me and FL's relationship than i previously thought i did. the thought is very humbling. I mean, some of it is ingrained in my personality but some of it i can definitely improve. i realized even more that there are people who do appreciate you despite your faults. Sometimes you'll realize you're not with the right one who appreciates you the way someone else will. to clarify, me and FL... there are things about me that MI appreciates and understands that FL never will. even more so, communicating with your partner, SO, friend etc really does make a whole world of difference when it comes to basic human relationships. I'm proud to say i feel me and MI are awesome with communicating and we are very blunt and truthful with each other...

 

Right now i (she made me as well) realize i need to improve being a "nicer" person and being more considerate of others... being more "there" for the person i'm with. simple basic human niceness.. i need to work on that.

 

it's also making me realize that i DO want to be friends with FL and re establish connection with her. maybe not as GF/Bf or to reconcile. Not right now, no. I'm not in a place where i can be romantically involved with someone and it become a fruitful relationship. I'm too much of a mess in terms of not being a "catch" right now to other people and to be with someone and expect it to succeed. But i do want to (in terms of FL) make things right with her, by being nice and treating her the way i've never treated her before, by being her friend. I've told her " i may have been a tishhy Bf, but i'd like to be a really great friend". i spoke with her and it's weird, when we're on the phone, she's more engaging and laughing, but on text, cold and distant and one worded (but i digress).....call it guilt call it whatever, i really do want a healthy relationship with her. i do realize because of our personal differences that it would never reach the level me and MI have and i'm quite happy with the quality of relationship i've established with my exs and friends (especially MI) and i can live with that. FL's never "not" responded to communication with me at all (thus the LC) but now, i'm just interested in actually having something meaningful with her for the mean time based on the LC we have. As drama said, "crumbs". i don't want crumbs and i don't want to give crumbs. As a changing man, i want to give meaningfulness into most of what i do and who i meet/know in life. I've not stopped caring for her and sure, if things were great between us and things happen to "evolve" into something better, why not? I'm not going to deny the possibility of having a rekindled romance with her, sure. But i'm also not ready to be with ANYONE at all. If i meet someone and i'm not yet the person i want to be "nice" "mature" "established".... wouldn't it fail? I'm just ready to be friends with FL and as difficult as it is to engage her in a meaningful conversation, i'm willing to try. She's still responds, still insists "i'm the one who wanted to keep talking" but when she does it's one sided, one worded, difficult to pry out of her conversations. I can understand, i am not the epitome of comfort for her. She's going to be hesitant about being friends or opening up to me since well, i wasn't like that to her to begin with, why would/should she? the good thing is i've a life i live now and i'm not entirely too focused on FL. I've people more important in my life to cultivate better relationships like with MI. FL's not my priority right now. I am. My friends and family are. I'm not gonna pressure her. It'll take some time to even reach a good point.

 

so long story short.

 

Being with someone who you communicate and work well with makes you realize how you affect other people... and it makes "changing" to be a better person even more worth the time and effort to do so...

 

what i have right now with other people is amazing, i do not intend to lose that over someone who's definitely not worth it, in fact i want to cherish those who are close to me and show them i do cherish their company. and those who aren't, i want to improve my relationships with

 

I'd like to improve what i have with FL and other people i've lost connections with by being my selfish self, i'm going to make my interest of a friendship and presence known but NOT push or pressure her to be in a place where she's not.

 

sounds like a good plan? I hope i'm making the right moves to improve my life. I've MI, and everyone on these boards to thank for that.

 

i'll update y'all later

[sfindependent]

ok, update:

 

Things are going well for me. first, MI and I are going well. We've established pretty good boundaries and so far, i think that a good friendship has formed and i couldn't ask for anything more. I'm just starting to feel really good about being single and just motivating myself into making my life better for me. I know it sounds kind of selfish but i've lived a life trying to mould myself to what other people like. Granted, people's opinions about me matter, i'm trying to balance what is healthy for me, and what others just plain think i should do based on THEIR ideals. I'm still not dating anyone (who would want to date a man that's broken and has a bunch of undesireable qualities?). I don't plan too until i feel i'm ready emotionally to invest myself with someone new.I've not gone back in a while but I plan on going back to the gym once i establish a good routine again (things kind of got out of hand with Bay to Breakers, the partying etc). I still ride my bike to work more often than i bussing it so i'm happy with that. I also plan on busting out the box of papers i have sitting in my living room containing financial things i need to focus on. MAn, so many things in my personal life i need to fix but again, i'm using this to enforce myself to act more like an adult and be more financially stable, personnably approachable, and romantically attractive.

 

On the business side of things, i just got offered to do a public speaking for one of the top (and highly funded) geriatric facilities here in the bay area. It was a small conversation and not a formal invitation (but an offer nonetheless) to discuss the bio-psychosocial interventions that can be done for alzheimer's and other related dementia patients. Usually, these kind of talks are presented infront of about a hundred healthcare professionals (MD's, RN's

 

In terms of the ex (FL), I've had contact with her the last two days after not speaking for about 2 1/2 weeks. The conversations we've had she's been laughing at my jokes, although she still is very closed and guarded, leading to me having a hard time exploring thoughts and opinions... which is fine. It keeps the conversation light and brief. The talks are both business and personal in a way where i wanted to have access to the garage while she's away on her trip to TN and FL so contact has been fairly ok. I'm not rushing into it, given i'm not really trying to force her (or myself) to get back with her. again, i'm happy with my singleness for the meantime and however things go between us, well, time will decide. Things between us could go ANY direction, but if i maintain MY direction, i wouldn't stray too far from where I want to be in MY life. Get?

 

She left for TN today and I didnt wish her happy trip or anything. yesterday when i spoke with her i just asked her about her plans and she said "probably ziplining" to which i replied "oh yeah sounds like fun. I got invited to do that this summer too... I've a fear if heights but hell... i'll do it". we joked about it for a bit. I kinda figured she would be expecting me to call or text her a happy trip/vacay so i didn't. Besides, i've got other things to do than think of her and take time to wish her a happy trip, right?

 

I admit, i'm a little sad because i was supposed to go with her for this trip. I wanted to hang with her, meet her family and wish her parents a good marriage. BTW i am still sending a wedding gift for her folks. Her parents paid for our rent for about 6mos when her and i were both unemployed, PLUS took care of us in FL all expenses paid. it's only right, i think to acknowledge and wish them a good marriage.

 

Anyway, that's it for now. hopefully errryones good in ENA land. Please feel free to let me know how you think i'm doing things. this board has been quiet for a while and i'm curious about how everyone's doing/thinking/feeling.

 

SF

[CMS]

well done SF, you have come a long way. I am proud of you.

[sfindependent]

thanks CM, that means a lot to me. Im afraid of what ramifications will occur since i've chosen to keep LC and start talking to the ex and stop playing these games. Will we have better terms? what terms will those be? friendship? recon? forever NC? I'm sure i may get hurt along the way so i've chosen to approach her/this carefully and trying to keep myself in check by telling myself to have NO expectations with her. I shouldn't anyway. i should protect my heart first of all and i'm doing that by trying to have a life of my own. a life i should be living instead of trying to live with the hopes of her coming back. btw even if i have an SO in my life i shouldn't enmesh myself too much in a negatively symbiotic relationship by having our lives conjoined. I should have a life of my own as well as my SO having hers.

 

we'll see what life gives me. in the mean time, i'll be thankful of all the blessings i've been receiving.

[CMS]

Well not here to judge you, but I think you need to truly convince that you and FL is over and truly accept it (sounds like you are still holding on to a sliver of hope of reconciliation hence the difficulties in maintaining NC).

 

If you want to be friends with her then I say go for it, have no expectation, treat it like you first started dating her minus the romance part, go slow first and see where things go. Proceed with caution and again, NO EXPECTATIONS.

[sfindependent]

CM, yes, at this point, i've 80% accepted that things are over. Of course at this point so soon (BU was on jan 16) into the separation, i'd still have the 20% which is understandable, right? I still care for her, but there's a lot of thngs stacked up against me and her such as differences in life choices etc for it to be able to work, and i'm coming to terms with that as the days go by. I'm trying to focus on MY life and how i should live it... i'm still going to therapy despite it being expensive as F, still posting here, still talking to some friends (especially MI girl) and continuously doing self reflection....

 

I think Things are going well without her (as best as it can, despite my progress being slow) and despite me wanting to share a lot of things with her (like this recent turn of events with my career), i consciously do not and just tell it here, on FB, or to the really close friends of mine. Also, I'm taking things really slow in terms of dealing with her... i'm being cautious myself of the avenues, conversations, risks that i'm willing to take/ask/know about her that i know might hurt me. I'm pretty sure she's like that too.

 

Of course, i'd want the door between us to be left ajar. i'm not kidding anybody if i say i dont want a recon but it's not my priority anymore. i want bigger, better things.... for me.

[twitchyfingers]

Hey sf, what's shakin', bacon?

 

You and MI Girl still chillin' at your lair?

 

New thoughts on FL Girl?

 

All's well here in SoCal. I'm not actively dating (gotta get my financial feet back under me first), but My Bay Area Import is coming down for Round 2 in a couple of weeks. Can you say, Taking It Slow? Sheesh. I think he and I are probably destined to be cuddle-buddies or something for the near-term, but that's fine.

[sfindependent]

ok, i haven't heard from anyone here in a while so i hope nobody's off'd themselves yet, lol.

 

Just trolling around and seeing how ENA world is going...

 

me? still having the waxing and waning, the anxiety but as my therapist said, "it's never gonna go away, you just have to live with it" re: my anxiety. hopefully the intermittent episodes will be further from each other.

 

i've got a bright future. i have to keep reminding myself that.

 

jsut need to work on the One-itis.

[sfindependent]

Hey sf, what's shakin', bacon?

 

You and MI Girl still chillin' at your lair?

 

New thoughts on FL Girl?

 

All's well here in SoCal. I'm not actively dating (gotta get my financial feet back under me first), but My Bay Area Import is coming down for Round 2 in a couple of weeks. Can you say, Taking It Slow? Sheesh. I think he and I are probably destined to be cuddle-buddies or something for the near-term, but that's fine.

 

 

yup she's still here. it's funny, the more time i spend with her, the more i realize there's so much i need to improve with myself, and the more i realize that just looking at it from my POV, FL and me would never have worked if i didn't realize some of my actions (which aren't all bad, but i could seriously been a better catch), and voila! it didn't. thoughts are just thoughts. No actions being done here. I would wonder if things could ever be re-done with new Me, but again, they're just thoughts.

 

i can't bring myself to actively date right now. Its too...off putting. too fake. too slow. too well planned. i want a bit of crazy, a bit of intensity and passion. visit norcal!!! but bring a jacket. it's been raining here.