i'm such a wreck right now. Help.Nonchalance fail.

[Catchy06]

I've read through this thread about 10 times through. Everyone's support toward you has been helping me as well. My girlfriend of 4 years started a new job and wants to be independent and not come home after work and not text me or tell me where she is and not come home until the next morning. SKETCHY! I think she's talking to a new guy from work so I'm working on getting my own apartment now as well.

 

 

 

thats my situation in case anyone cares.

 

I just hope I can be strong when it comes time to move out. I'm worried moving out will give her enough space to get seriously involved with this guy. When I told her I was moving out she broke down crying because she can't afford the apartment herself. I don't want to be a jerk but I HAVE to remove myself from this situation. I can't sleep at night, and I work mornings. It's killing me. When she does come home she sleeps on the couch (I paid for the bed) and just texts the whole night. It is gut wrenching.

 

Wish me luck on this journey. I'm going to be using my thread to vent when I need to as well as follow your progress.

[sfindependent]

Catch,

 

no matter what you do, she will go out with whomever she chooses to go out with. Even if you chain her to a post in your basement, she's not going to be "yours". she maybe with you physically, but not emotionally. frankly that's one of the biggest reasons why i left. I didn't want to settle for companionship. I wanted/deserved more than that. Stick around this thread man. People here are genuine about giving whoever jumps on here advice. I'm happy anthony has been busy with his new lady friend, Jonesy checks in, Real and MIC keep me in check... i'm sure the love will spread like my ex's legs around the coasties she's hanging with. Blech. lol

 

anyway, i am stoked.

 

I saw an apartment/studio that fit me perfectly YESTERDAY. i walked in talked to the guy, told him "i have bad credit, but Ive got a stable job, a great career and i love the patio you have and i'll work on it; paint it, garden etc. emailed him this morning and i talked to him tonight. GAVE me the apartment with NO credit check. i'm seeing him tomorrow to sign the papers and give a deposit. its 1100, a 100 dollars more than my original budget but i only have 1 bus ride to catch to work, ive got privacy, a huge patio, a huge kitchen, in the CITY. I LOVE IT. and the W/D is right outside my front door.

 

OMG OMG OMG i am so happy.

[TomboyMS]

Awesome! Sounds like a great place. I'm happy for you, but damn rent is high in San Fran! They must pay social workers more in Cali than they do here.

[sfindependent]

MS,

 

I don't know how significant the salary difference is between CA and any other state but a) this is the lowest paying job i've ever had as a social worker b) i'm a medical social worker so that in it by itself is the top paying out of all social work professions howevr, given that this is the lowest paying job i've had....

 

i've not heard from the ex in a week, i cut the cable but i do know she can "steal" internet but she's not been so i'm not really sure what's going on with her. No matter, i've got bigger fish to fry i realize that the place that i'm getting is a little too far from where i want to be geographically but then it's going to keep me from going to the bars constantly, partying and will just let me stay at home and deal with my own tish.

 

Unfortunately, i gave my ex most of my furniture (my dining table and chairs is the most i'm regretful of leaving) and kitchen stuff but it's kind of cool too that i can start anew and get my own tish again. I'm losing a month's worth of rent (since i'm breaking lease, even though my roommate is the one that brought up me leaving in the first place) and a family is going to lend me the money for deposit. I'm planning on paying her back with my tax refund. anyway, i'm super happy about getting this place but at the same time i'm very scared. i'll survive. all my real friends and drinking buddies are just a hop, skip and jump via the local bus line.

 

speaking of friends, i have a biking date with the ex's friends on saturday. Is this a good idea? I really don't want to know what's going on with my ex and what she's thinking and i can avoid the conversation about her easily anyway.

 

I've not made contact with her at all and neither has she. I wish i can share with her the good news but really, this doesn't affect her in anyway shape or form. So i havent made any effort myself to reach out. I did post on FB "STOKED beyond belief" and a few lady friends posted congrats and "party soon!" including one the ex's friends. I wish it could have been a more ideal location/apartment (like a victorian in one of my preferred SF districts) but a) this is a blessing from God i'm not going to let pass (i asked and i did receive) b) the patio is killer c) i can't stand my roommate anymore c) it's cheap rent considering the kitchen size, the patio size the W/D availability.

 

I'm not doing anything in regards with the ex as of right now. I wish she was still part of my life romantically but i'm assuming she's seeing someone right now, and i really don't want to be around that. pretty soon, i'll have my own spot in the city... that's the first step. i'll save so much money doing my own grocery, riding public transpo and being slightly away from the bars (crosses fingers). I hope this is a good start to a new life.

 

oh ex. I wish you never lost love for me. but with or without you i'm making damn things happen for me.

[twitchyfingers]

Holy crap, 1100 for your own place in the city is a SCORE! Incredible also that the guy gave it to you on faith and a handshake. The universe is smiling on you, man!

[twitchyfingers]

And don't forget to check out the Free section of craigslist to help get your new lair furnished. Also: when college wraps up for summer, the kids in the dorms often dump all sorts of killer stuff just so they don't have to deal with moving it.

[sfindependent]

hahaha it was some luck man. for real. my family is lending me 2750 for deposit and that in it by itself is crazy. i think it was coz i was just upfront with my credit score, my job and i brought a pay stub just in case. I told him "i love the patio, i'll paint it, work on it and keep it up" which in the future i want to do. I want to make it a little beach front patio facing the apartment complex complete with christmas lights running around it... all in the middle of the city! rent for a studio here goes from 600 -1000+ and finding one that has the space and the amenities that i did was like srtaight luck. and getting it was straight divine intervention.

 

think it's a good idea to hang with the L1 and L2 on staruday?

[twitchyfingers]

I don't see a big deal with hanging with the Ladies Who Love Ladies this weekend, as long as your intentions are to just enjoy yourself (vs. trying to send smoke signals to your ex).

 

If you think there is any chance of ex-talk creeping in and tripping your switches, maybe just upfront let them know that ex-talk is a no-go?

 

I'm still in awe of your apartment score. Having your own place is the best. I have a small apartment by the beach in SoCal, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Coming home to your own space, no roommate drama...ahhhh, it's a sanctuary. I can picture your patio already! Don't forget to get some tiki torches and one of those outdoor enclosed mini-firepit thingies if the landlord is cool with it. Nothing like FIRE to sit around and BS with friends into the wee hours....love it.

[sfindependent]

no, i don't think i'm trying to send smoke signals to the ex. I met them a while back, with the ex. we were having a BBQ at our porch and they were having one at theirs too. But they were sort of dysfunctional by nature (constantly fighting, yelling, everytime one has the chance, would bad mouth the other, get drunk all the time etc) and during the course of me and the ex's friendship with them i sort of just told the ex i wasn't comfortable hanging with them and I started avoiding them. I'm not too excited about hanging with them and i'm not really sure what i want out of kickin it with them but i'm just gonna roll with it and see how it goes. I will keep the boundaries clear (no ex talk) and otherwise have a fun sober weekend with them (one can't drink due to probation for two years, yes quality friends no?). we're planning on biking around town.

 

yeah i can't believe it either. I mean, i just posted "i'll start looking for a spot" yesterday or the day before and now i have one. hehehehe. awesome. its pretty much the same way i got the other one. I'm sure it will be lonely at first but wth, i'll live.

 

exactly, firepit, some colored stream lights around the porch, some garden furniture... ill put some city ecclectic flavor to it. i'm sure new/old friends will love it.

[sfindependent]

now that i think about it, i'm sure they're going to mention to her that we hung out if we do. I'm just now wondering why they're ok to hang out with me. i'm sure there's nothing to it and it's just me overanalyzing things again. whatever. i don't care. she obviously doesn't so why should i? i'll care when she does.

[jonesyjakk]

hey sf just checking in, u ok bud?

 

 

jonesy

[sfindependent]

@jonesy - hell yeah i'm ok! hahahahah. got lucky on an apartment (it was like fate!) so i'll be moving this weekend. it's a studio apt. bout 20blocks from the beach, a busride to downtown SF, a busride to work, a busride to the transbay terminal. I'm going over tonight to sign the papers and get the keys.

 

As far as the ex? havent heard a peep, she hasn't showed up on my chats and i'll be hanging with her friends this weekend. as far as i'm concerned she's happy with her new life and new man. I really don't need an alcoholic GF who doesn't have a goal in life, just wanting to drift through it... or doesn't want to have a goal with me. Maybe she was right, i'm not the one for her. Maybe this new man will make her want to have something better out of life. I realize the other day all she kept on doing was push me away, she didn't want to open up when we were together, didn't want to live life with me... i don't need that. Sure i still want her but i know there's someone (even if in time it ends up being her) out there for me who will enjoy life with me.

 

I've one like that right now, we broke up years ago and still continued to talk despite us dating other people. we broke up cause she lives in a different state and pretty much has been LTR. We have the same values, humor, goals, vices (lol) and the like, but for a LTR and post BU and through it all, we've always thought we were right for each other. we still acknowledge that right now, despite the distance, the time and the circumstance. We also agreed we would fix our tish first if we ever get back together (she's with someone but not happy) which is something i guess significant...?

 

Otherwise, i'm not dating right now, i think i want to fix the homefront first, get a good place, get situated in, and then when i've got my homelife in control, get out there and F everything that walks. hahaha j/k ladies... or am i? teeeeheeeee

[Catchy06]

Man SF that sounds amazing! I'm on the search for an apartment now, but I'm so confused whether to move out or not. I read this book: "the secret" and I've felt nothing but positive about my life since. She noticed that I just joined a new softball league, I landed 2 jobs, and she can see how happy I am, even when she decides to not come home until 1 AM. Last night she walked in while I was in the bathtub with some chill music playing and she climbed in. I wasn't expecting that at all. We didnt have sex or anything (she made it clear before she got in that we cant have sex). We talked for a while and she's making plans to run a 5k, take a 6 week trip to Thailand, and start practicing Buddhism (shes all about balance and stuff she had a buddhist tattoo but never really practiced ever).

 

I'm so confused... she hugs me all the time and when she gets out of the shower she walks around naked and she knows it kills me because she has the sexiest body.

 

I've been picking her up from work lately because she walks to work during the day and doesn't get out until about midnight sometimes... I think she's getting her cake and eating it too because today she asked me to change her flat tire before I moved out.

 

Right now I literally cannot afford to get my own place until my new jobs start up so I'm FORCED to live here and last time I attempted to move out she was a complete total b!t ch to me about it. I'm trying to end things on a good note, not with hatred.

 

I love everyone's help and input... if dramallama and Real Deal want to take a look at my situation that would be amazing.

 

Thanks guys and great job SF!

[sfindependent]

the secret is baloney. im sorry but there's only a certain amount of wishing and thinking you can do before you pick yourself up by the cajones and make things happen. actions count, thoughts not so much.

 

things that have happened:

 

a) got the apartment. moving in on sunday.

b) since i last mentioned the LWLLs cancelled on me saying "family business" happened. im ok with that.kinda expected nothing out of it so blech. hahaha

c) thursday i got a weird gchat from the ex saying "i found your vest, if you're missing it". pfffft. at this point ive not made contact. im at a point where contact or not, it doesnt matter anymore. i really dont care. at first i didnt answer. but. remembered my aunt asking me concerned about why the ex's car has been parked by her house during work hours so they wanted me to check on her if i was comfortable to do so. which st this point i was , so we chatted a bit and. asked her to call me ( i was usin my phone to chat and i was gettig dizzy). i found out that she was unemployed. considering moving back to FL and will go to FL for a couple of weeks after her moms wedding. i asked her why she was unemployed and she refused to talk about it, and sounded super depressed. i said to myself ill push my pride aside and ask her to meet and chat. i was concerned. at this point wanting her back was not something i had in mind at all. this for me was bigger... it wouldnt bother me at all seeing her. at that point i was still at work and i offered to call her later that night to which she said ok and even offered to meet up this saturday. i said yeah i was supposed go meet your friends but they cancelled. i forgot her response to meetin up but i didnt pursue it. i figured we can talk about it tonight. she did bring up that i flaked on her a couple of times to which i said i had some issues that i needed to take care of whih were true. but later that night i texted her i asked so whats a good time to call u? her response was "out with the girls. sorry raincheck" so i responded "good. let me know about sat as eafly as u can" to which she replied "i can tell u now im going to a game, so i cant sorry". so i said "whatever, i tried". her response "im not trying to avoid u sht, dont get upset" so i said not upset, i dont really care. u have your priorities". thrn nothing fromher.

 

before yall get mad at me for making contact with her, i just wanna assure u, im ok. i could care less. shes on a path of self destruction. i offered my honest intention and she chose yet agan her friends which... who cares? im not the losing person here. im gold.

 

take it easy yall

d)

[sfindependent]

Finally moved in!!!!

 

the house smells like mold/mildew but nothing that a few afternoons airing it out won't cure. The place will look fantastic. My buddy helped me and we spent the entire Sunday moving. I've got to clean up and put away stuff, do some home appliance shopping (microwave, curtains etc) but all in all, i took my first night there. I've already hung up all my art work (the ones my ex made for me, and NO i dont really care if she made it or not, they're pretty awesome). I've got to go back to the old apt to clean up but that's easy peezy.

 

I also found a guy online who was moving to India (i know, cliche). He sold me his Ps3 with 7 games (God of war, call of duty) with TWO controllers for $$200.00. Helllllla cheap. I'm also picking up some more stuff from his house including kitchen stuff (pots pans) hopefully i can low ball him.

 

The ex and me have been in contact lately. Not everyday and not all the time. nothing big. I'm not pushing for a recon (hell no) nor am i pushing for friendship right now. I'm just... there. It's mostly chat and i'm not really asking for details about her life and have been very cautious about the things i ask. She's the one freely giving up some information but as usual (this is her personality) she's a bit hard to explore. not too engaging or enthused... this is her, even through our goodtimes when we were just starting out and she was all for "he's the one" mindset towards me.

 

as y'all know, i'm a SW and part of my job is exploring feelings thoughts etc. and she's one damn hard nut to crack. But anyway, i'm not expecting anything out of our contact. I'm not even sure if i really want her back anymore.example: we were talking about "things we like" and she said "the beach" and i asked "what else do you like?". her response was "nothing"... i had to remind her we had fun and she seemed to like camping and her reply was "oh yeah, camping's cool".

 

I've got to be honest, i'm a bit happy we're talking. but i've got no expectations of the matter, i will keep my distance and still maintain my decision... I do not intend to be friends with her until i'm fully ready. I'm not actively seeking her out, not dreaming about her, not almost anything. I acknowledge her when acknowledgement is due and ignore her when i am not happy with her decisions. She brought up "You can't be getting mad at me for not coming to the city sat (she chose to go to the BBgame instead) when you were here in town and didn't say tish". I just lol'd it off and said i was only there for a few minutes anyway. She's been a bit apologetic "sorry my batt's dying" "sorry i dipped out earlier" kinda thing and she's also mentioned something interesting... when we were in FL, we fought a lot. I mean, we were having fun but there were arguments here and there. I mentioned "yeah i wish u and i were a bit nicer to each other when we were in FL"... her reply was "what are you talking about, we were nice"... it just struck me thinking that it's weird a few months ago, i would've expected her to say something completely opposite of what she just said. she'd take a joking poke at me once in a while but i let that tish run off my shoulders.

 

I'm not heads over heels about her like i was before. On the contrary i'm a bit disappointed about how she's living her life.. i'm not sure how she lost her job nor what she plans to do after it but i'm glad i'm not part of that when it happened. I'm not sure who she regularly hangs with but i've got a life of my own i'm living and it's great. I'm sure she's making do with her life as well and neither of us are part of it. i know she's got a life of her own and i'm not going to wedge myself between that. I've established my boundary a long time ago that i didn't want to hear about her dating life and i've not mentioned anything about mine to her (it's only proper, you know?) as well . I've got more things to worry about right now...like my ps3 and my new apartment, baby!!!! lol

 

anyway, i'm not particularly sure what's going on with us talking or where this will lead. i'm open to trying it out again if she's fixed HER issues like i'm trying to fix mine but otherwise if not, i'm not interested in dating her or even being friends with her. No loss for me now. I've got a clearer head on my shoulders and i am sort of aware of my co dependency issues and my inherent, unhealthy drive to make her happy. She's not my problem any more and even when we were together, it wasn't my fulltime job to make her happy anyway. its her job to make HER happy; the same way it's my primary job to make ME happy. i'm trying to make best with my life right now.

 

Of course, i'm not gonna lie, i'd think about her still and mildly have her running around my head but hopefully i've gained enough strength to push her out of my head and put more positive thoughts into my own brain.

 

thoughts? opinions? I know y'all suggested NC but i think i'm handling fine with NIC/LC (since it's been like that since day one) where neither of us will talk for a few days/weeks at a time. BTW neither of us have said anything about wanting the other back.

 

PS: also on another point, there's nothing really i can think of that i can talk to her about. her difficulty to be explored in a friendly, "i want to get to know what's going on in your head and your opinions and feelings on this ____" way. she's always been a one word kinda person and that's not me. I'm more "yada yada yada" as you can tell from my posts...

[sfindependent]

.....(my rant got cut off due to work) ....and i'm not initiating contact, not prodding her, nor evading her either. I'm happy where i'm at in life and if she wants to be part of it, i'm fine with it. if she doesn't im also ok with that. I don't wanna argue with her so the minute i feel she's starting to get frustrated or argumentative, i pull back and just say "ok i'll ttyl!" deuces.

 

she offered for me to pick up some of my kitchen stuff this week. Which will save me a ton of money, but i'd have to pick em up at her place first. but oh well. as a good friend said to me "get over her already". I'd have to eventually, shoot.

 

ok, let the flaming begin from my lack of willingness to cut contact just yet. (if everyone hasn't stopped following this god monstrous thread yet)... Besides, the plan was to just forget about her completely as soon as i get all my tish out anyway.

[sfindependent]

Good morning people!! had a great night last night. Eye opener. Will fill in details later.

 

But how's it going? Anthony? FLman? Jonesy? Green? errybody?

[anthony4]

Well since you asked..

 

It's been a month since our first date, everything is smooth so far, ironed out a few differences early on.

We're taking a trip to Va. together next weekend, had Easter dinner as family, very sexually compatible too.

Life is good. Was worth the wait.

my two cents...

(i've been following here, just not any input, hoping all goes well for you SF, and the rest.)

[sfindependent]

good to hear anthony. I was re-reading the thread (mostly the advice here) and ran into a few of the people that have contributed, jumped in, sought advice themselves, gave me a slappin, and wanted to give a shout out to them.

 

All is well, in a way.

 

I've since moved in the new place (you know bout it then, if you've been following the thread). Me and the ex have been chatting online once in a while (the suggested plan is to go completely NC when i get all my stuff back including my car and me giving her the final declaration of insurance denial), I'm doing well socially with friends, trying to cut back on drinking, continuously re-evaluating my approach to life etc. Trying to be healthier, etc.

 

how's everyone else?

[jonesyjakk]

hey sf,

 

nc would be good for you now mate, get your head together buddy, alcohol never good mate when you're heads scr..wed up anyway. always here for you buddy

 

 

jonesy

[anthony4]

Started a new job two months ago, fixing pneumatic air tools. I had 30 plus years as electronics technician, no jobs in that field here unless i wanna relocate so...

Interesting work, the tools you randomly hear every so often some lame-brain shoot themselves with a nailer. (like the story about the guy that accidently did it while back on a job in the middle of nowhere years ago and decided since he thought he was gonna die, he started planting nails in his cranium on purpose). Some of them shoot 6 inch nails at over 1000 feet per second. Pay isn't great, but easy hours and close to home. I live frugally anyway since i kicked that nasty crack habit.

[twitchyfingers]

sf, I like how one of your first "home furnishing" investments was a PS setup. Priorities are good! Your Swingin' Bachelor Pad is well on it's way.

 

Are you going to scoop up your kitchen stuff this week? If so, can you take a buddy for moral support and to help shlepp the goods?

 

Hey, looks like I may be developing a romantic interest up in your general area. Dude seems like a good fit, but we'll see how it goes when we actually meet. The long-distance logistics will have to be ironed out, of course, but I gotta say, a Summer of Luv in the Bay Area sounds OK by me right now. It's been too damn hot here in SoCal lately!

 

Anyway, keep the natural progression flowin', sf.

[sfindependent]

Started a new job two months ago, fixing pneumatic air tools. I had 30 plus years as electronics technician, no jobs in that field here unless i wanna relocate so...

Interesting work, the tools you randomly hear every so often some lame-brain shoot themselves with a nailer. (like the story about the guy that accidently did it while back on a job in the middle of nowhere years ago and decided since he thought he was gonna die, he started planting nails in his cranium on purpose). Some of them shoot 6 inch nails at over 1000 feet per second. Pay isn't great, but easy hours and close to home. I live frugally anyway since i kicked that nasty crack habit.

 

wait, what? someone intentionally put a nail gun to their own head just coz they already had accidentally put a few in their head already? what? no waaay.

 

hey sf,

 

nc would be good for you now mate, get your head together buddy, alcohol never good mate when you're heads scr..wed up anyway. always here for you buddy

 

 

jonesy

 

Jonesy,

 

@twitchyfingers suggested a good idea, to go full NC when i do get all my stuff out there. now i'm not using that as an excuse to do one last hurrah with her, but the thought of it puts a little bit of an ease to the tension of me completely separating myself finally.

 

I've moved on pretty well as far as detachment is concerned anyway. i've learned to be able to establish boundaries, reflect happiness (coz i really am) towards people and realize i don't NEED her to survive and live in this world. I want her back, maybe but i know i'm going to find love again whether it be her or with someone else, i know that. I'm happy with my life, in hindsight the career path i've chosen, the friends i already have (and are meeting), family members who have been supportive of me, the level of clarity of what i want out of life and what i want to achieve in the end, exist. I've a decent job, a great apartment, now i just gotta make life a bit more interesting for myself. I let a big part of myself go (weight, self respect, boundaries, discipline, hobbies, emotional fluctuations included) when i was with her. instead of two individuals working together, we became inmeshed and started an ugly spiral towards unrealstic expectations and resentment towards the other. i remember calling/texting my a close friend of mine and complaining about how unhappy i was in the relationship more than a few times. part of my personal growth i want to achieve is having as Rhett Miller sang "convictions unshakeable... my virtue has proven itself unimpeachable... i came over to cushion your breakables".. meaning that my brand new way of thinking is that i'll be a strong man, for me.

 

so without further ado, i will hesitatingly reveal what i did last night. please save the * * * * * * slapping until later until the end.

 

since we've been chatting and texting, she suggested once about getting my some of my stuff from her place since i come by town every weekend. Now she's invited me over a few times to "BS" and i've declined it on the basis of "i don't want bread crumbs" and "i'm not ready yet". During a few of our conversations, she's made it a point to bring up that i've turned her down a couple of times. I took it as a hint that "if you want to hang out, i won't ask again since i've asked you twice already". So i did.

 

i tried to talk to acouple of friends of mine about it and one said "man up. don't waste my time anymore on this BS, grow a pair already you drama queen" and the other was more supportive "don't play games anymore, she's asked you 2x already and if you really want to see her and if it'll really help things just do it." I thought about it, and i finally agreed on having dinner with her.

 

She was texting me while i was on the train (the real reason for me coming to town was to borrow a car) saying "im hungry" so i responded "well you could've offered to pick me up from the train" and her reply was "wait, what i'm an ahole now? i didn't know where you were going or how you were getting there" "nah you're good. I got this, i'm the boss".

 

I finally got to her place and she sat in the car and it was weird yet comfortable. She placed a box in the back seat saying "i have some other stuff upstairs you might want since you have the car you can take home." " i said "ok, well, i'll get it later or something".

 

Dinner was great. One of the first things we talked about was how she KNEW i was going to choose the restaurant we ate at. "i knew you wanted to come here before you even told me". "I wanted a good compromise plus i havent had their fried zuchinnis in a long time". the rest of dinner was fun. She teased, i teased, i called her out "F U" jokingly, teased her about how she was giggling, "fine i won't giggle anymore" "this is the no giggling zone!". She joked about how i ate before and how fat i got (but i've a picture on instagram with a 6pack and a pimp cut that you get right about the leg that looks like a V from afar right now, heh) and i just rolled with the poking fun. she said "i'm glad i'm not living with you" in reference to all the beans i had in my taco bowl. we agreed we wouldn't talk about who we're both current dating. We talked about her trip to FL and whom she was going with (her mom) and her plan on life now that she's unemployed again. i didn't ask why she got fired because she mentioned a few chat sessions back that she didn't want to since it upset her. So finally i said "so what do you expect out of this?" she said "i just want to hang with you or talk with you once in a while, nothing more". I said, nonchalantly of course "i can't do that, i don't want to be just your drinking buddy" which was the honest truth. i want something substantial, with meaning and i told her that. "don't get me wrong, i am very happy we broke up." Our conversation moved to her house and i noticed there were STILL pics of me up the wall and my gifts were nicely placed around. there were still a lot of things that we had made together that were still up and i made a crack at it. But at the same time i also told her i'm glad to see they were still up. Most of her parent's furniture from FL was there and she said "yeah a friend of mine helped me" "must've been a good friend, these things are huge!" talking about 2 huge couches and an oak entertainment system....

 

I maintained my nonchalant, but also pretty "foot down" kind of attitude. She said she still checks my instagram every two days (so she's seen my six pack as opposed to my old beer gut, haha) and my FB page. She sat on the couch and finally started opening up and told me about her unemployment status and how she got fired. After that I told her, i'm glad she was able to open up to me like that despite it being difficult to do so (she's extremely introverted) for her. She also told me that she did think about me and miss me at times and how certain things reminded her of me. (i had to "pull" a lot coz of her introvertedness). I did tell her what i wanted from her (since she's said she only wanted a hang out buddy) was that i wanted to put value in our interactions. I told her "tish like what you just told me, that's meaningful you. When i told you about some details about my life that no one else would know, that's meaningful to me. I want essence in my relationships". She said "but that's kind of difficult to do, it's sending me mix signals. You don't want to be friends but you want something substantial. How can you have something substantial without knowing everything about what's going on with me?". We left it hanging. She also mentioned "why are we talking about the past? It's done anyway" (we unconsciously went to that topic) i agreed and said "yes it is done, but i'm telling you that those are the things that i don't want to happen anymore. That's what happened and I DON'T want from you or anyone anymore." I did tell her at the end of our conversation last night was, "what i really want, is something healthy with you." We hugged, i took my things and left on what i think was a good note. between all that, we were joking still, having a good time and cracking at each other still. the entire conversation wasn't all serious.

 

I didn't push or pressure her to believe or follow what i wanted from her nor disagree with what she wanted from me. I merely stated what i expected and valued in my life, friends and with her. So we both had a great time reminiscing, catching up and explaining expectations. I wasn't emotionally charged but my convictions were there. i was as calm as i could be. Not emotionless, but i was able to express clearly my thoughts.

 

Of course i'm feeling a little rejected about her saying she wants nothing more than "hanging out" with me but i also know she's not good for me with her current mindset nor her current life choices. No job? No plans for the future? Drinking even with that? vacation back home? she's mature in a lot of ways but also seems a bit confused and immature with a lot of different things as well. I showed her i knew what i wanted and was firm with it. when we were together before, she mentioned "i wish we had a good foundation of friendship too". In a good way, though. No pressure, no arguments, disagreements, nothing that portrays a guy who is weak, is incapable of moving on... alpha B, so to speak.

 

I'll get over her though. I gave it a day (today) to feel sad about missing her and to mull how things went but i think overall it went ok at least. I could've done with out too much serious talk but the night wasn't just serious. It was a little of all. i've established that i'm ok with how my life is (mentioned how work was going well, how my social life was going well with what i've been doing) and she seems to have her own as well. she mentioned to me she had a party at her house the other night and i wasn't affected by it much.

 

I'm not sure how significant her relationships are right now with the new people in her life; it stings but so what? I asked her "so are u happy?" her response was "i'm just living".

 

before anything else, i am still moving on, with or without her. I love myself. i love myself enough to realize i am outgrowing her in a lot of sense. I'm well aware of my emotions, what i want from a partner, what i value and how i would treat people whom i do so. I was funny and cocky (and completely myself)during our dinner but at the same time sensitive, sincere and honest with what i held high value which was what i expected from her and what i didn't want from her as well. if she can't appreciate or find that attractive with me, well it's her loss, for real.

 

what am i to do now after this? move on from her. I'm not planning on asking her out anytime soon for a beer.

what am i to do, if i want her back? i honestly don't know.

 

she doesn't seem to have grown one bit, even emotionally (except for finally deciding to exercise). I just think she's doing a lot of repression. She said "i just wake up, force myself to do art, then go to bed". But that's how she want's to live her life. That's all her. Me? i've got my own life to live.

 

BTW i couldve easily agreed to be hangout buddies, roll with what she wants, act like i didn't care. Which i did in a way, my body language, my "looseness" was there. If i gave her any indication that i wanted her back that's fine. But i also showed that I didn't care if she didn't come back.

[sfindependent]

Real Deal,

 

i know you mentioned i should establish "attractiveness", the fun person first before bringing anything heavy and serious. But boundaries are one of the things i've lost when we were together. I was... a boy rather than a man. I let her walk all over me. I let her take over the relationship, become the man and i was left with a set of cajones smaller than a pair of peas. Part of me growing up and out of our previous relationship was me establishing boundaries with her, if she can't hang with that, i'm not crying over it at all. I was funny, she knows that. that's why she fell in love with me in the first place was my attitude. she saw that. she follows my FB and told me she found some of my posts funny. so i haven't changed a bit in that sense. But what i lacked was conviction and the ability to stand up on my own feet. i realized that last night as the conversation led to more serious stuff and we both tried to steer away from it.

 

If i completely lose her because I wasn't able to "attract" her again and me having to sacrifice my new found values and boundaries, i'll live with it. I'd rather have someone who respects me for what i believe in and lives by what i want than someone who i'd have to play games with; in that bigger, more personal sense, i've grown much better as a person. If she doesn't find that change in me attractive along with knowing who i am already and what i stood for, really, then she isn't someone i should really be with in the first place. so what if she's funny, can hang with the guys? if she can't have essence and substance with me, then she's only a funny girl who can hang with the guys and nothing more.

 

sf

[sfindependent]

sf, I like how one of your first "home furnishing" investments was a PS setup. Priorities are good! Your Swingin' Bachelor Pad is well on it's way.

 

Are you going to scoop up your kitchen stuff this week? If so, can you take a buddy for moral support and to help shlepp the goods?

 

Hey, looks like I may be developing a romantic interest up in your general area. Dude seems like a good fit, but we'll see how it goes when we actually meet. The long-distance logistics will have to be ironed out, of course, but I gotta say, a Summer of Luv in the Bay Area sounds OK by me right now. It's been too damn hot here in SoCal lately!

 

Anyway, keep the natural progression flowin', sf.

 

btw LDR's aren't that bad. I've had/still have an awesome relationship with someone accross the country. As a matter of fact, we were official for the longest time (about 2years?) and the kicker is, i met her here on ENA!

 

i met her through ENA, yes. ENA isn't a dating site. but we found each other here.

 

back story is that we were compatible in everyway, except for the distance. we dated, broke up coz of the distance BUT re-established contact after a few months. we began dating other people, STILL talked, lived with our SO's... still talking... being supportive, still having a good time talking to each other, still connected in that way. She might come by and fly here in a few weeks to just hang with me in my new place.

 

so long story short, don't knock LDR's until you tried it!