i'm such a wreck right now. Help.Nonchalance fail.

[GreenPolicy]

If anyone gets emotionally high or low from talking to an ex that means they ex still has "power" of them. If you get to a point where you are centered and have your own life it will not matter. Until one reaches that state everything else is BS.

 

Six months since my breakup, 5 1/2 months of NC. I maintain NC because I am not over her and I know that breaking it would cause even more emotional distress than maintaining NC, which is hard and painful enough.

[Real Deal]

Six months since my breakup, 5 1/2 months of NC. I maintain NC because I am not over her and I know that breaking it would cause even more emotional distress than maintaining NC, which is hard and painful enough.

 

Knowing that in itself will give you a lot of power going forward. You are still scared of some form of rejection (which can be normal) but once you realize that this worst is well behind you it will start to 'shift' within you. Simply recognize the emotion when it comes up. Do not judge it and do not try to change it. The sooner we realize that we are responsible for our own happiness, the easier it gets and life is great!

[ClarenceRutherford]

Knowing that in itself will give you a lot of power going forward. You are still scared of some form of rejection (which can be normal) but once you realize that this worst is well behind you it will start to 'shift' within you. Simply recognize the emotion when it comes up. Do not judge it and do not try to change it. The sooner we realize that we are responsible for our own happiness, the easier it gets and life is great!

Green Policy is a good example of using NC to get over his EX.

His story is interesting, and he went through a lot of heartbreak with a woman he was engaged to and near marrying who out of the blue left him.

[GreenPolicy]

Knowing that in itself will give you a lot of power going forward. You are still scared of some form of rejection (which can be normal) but once you realize that this worst is well behind you it will start to 'shift' within you. Simply recognize the emotion when it comes up. Do not judge it and do not try to change it. The sooner we realize that we are responsible for our own happiness, the easier it gets and life is great!

 

I just know that we will not be getting back together and the thought of her with another guy is very upsetting. There's nothing I can do about that, so I maintain NC and don't look at her social networking pages so as not to rub my nose in the fact that sooner or later I will be replaced or have been already. I have felt a lot of pain doing strict NC, so I don't understand why the OP continues to torture himself with excuses to contact his EX.

 

It's weird, logically I can understand that I should not want her back and she revealed a lot of traits by how she dumped me that should rid me of any desire to be with her. But they call it a broken heart and not a broken mind. Sometimes I wish we had been together longer and the relationship deteriorated with fights and acrimony and serious issues so I wouldn't be missing something that felt wonderful to me. I acknowledge the painful feelings. I've learned that you feel what you feel, including very painful feelings at time, but you just need to be working through your grief constructively instead of doing things to amplify the pain (drugs/alcohol, contacting your ex, feeling sorry for yourself, being a hermit and not leaning on your support network of friends/family, not cultivating hobbies and other things you enjoy,etc).

 

I've had other breakups and been dumped before, and they were sad, and it was a challenge to get over them...but this is the first time I've ever been really devastated, where I sought out therapy, 12-step groups, relationship message boards.

[Real Deal]

I am just curious - did you "give up a lot" to be with this woman? Friends, hobbies, slack off on career goals, fitness, etc? Just wondering....

[GreenPolicy]

I am just curious - did you "give up a lot" to be with this woman? Friends, hobbies, slack off on career goals, fitness, etc? Just wondering....

 

Not really. Of course when we first got together, we spent a lot of time together, the healthy smothering stage where you are falling in love and you want to spend as much time together as you can. But eventually I thought we both maintained good boundaries and had our own routines (me playing pickup basketball, her going to jewelry conventions with her mother, etc). As far as fitness goes, I kept in tip-top shape. She even mentioned that she likes a little bit of a beer belly on a guy and she thought I was a little too skinny. And you know she put on a bit of weight while we were together (not that I said anything!), which is a sign that they're happy because girls will do that when they are in a relationship that is fulfilling to them. We spent our weekends together, but we were not attached at the hip 24/7. I made time for my friends. As far as my job goes, I work in IT and I've been kind of standing still, but I did get a raise and an increase in responsibilities at my employer while we were together.

[GreenPolicy]

We started dating October 2009, when I was 31 and she had just turned 30. She told me at the beginning that most of her relationships were short-term, just a few months, because the guys would annoy her and she had only two previous relationships that lasted as long as a year. Her background is that her biological father abandoned her mom when she was pregnant and told her mom to get an abortion. She was raised by her mom and stepdad and she said that they would fight all the time over her. Her stepdad is who she considers her real father, but she even expressed some resentment about him when we were together: "He'll come up to (large city in Texas where we reside) to go to the gun show, but he won't come up to take me to dinner."

 

Anyways we hit it off, had a great connection and chemistry, similar values, goals in life. We started talking marriage. I have a card from her from last Valentine's Day where she writes "I have always been wondering when God would bring my future husband into my life and now I've found him. I know I will succeed in life with you as my husband by my side." She sat her parents down and told them I was The One and I was different from all the other guys she'd ever dated. She told me throughout the time we were together that it was the best relationship she'd ever been in. She even introduced me to her biological father, something she had never done with any guy she had ever dated before. Before me, she had had no contact with him for three years. Whenever he comes into town, he calls her up and invites her to dinner. She always ignores him. After we started dating, she broke three years of silence and accepted his dinner invitation and told him that there was somebody she wanted him to meet. Her parents wanted to meet mine after she sat them down and told them I was The One.

 

Six weeks before she dumped me she was emailing me suggestions for wedding venues and addressing me as her fiance. A month before she dumped me she reminded me that her parents really wanted to meet mine and we needed to arrange a dinner to make that happen. Around the same time we had gone to church one Sunday afternoon and she called her 92 year old grandmother who lives in an assisted facility. This is her real dad's mom. Before me, she had no contact with her real dad or her grandmother for years. But she had gone to visit her and then called her up this Sunday seeing if she was home so I could meet her. Two weeks before she dumped me we went to a jewelry convention to look at bands so I could get a better idea of what to get her. Five days before she dumped me she made a comment in an email about what kind of ring (white gold) she wanted.

 

Last fall we were supposed to go to four weddings, all for her friends/family. We had already been to one. The last time I ever hung out with her was Thursday, October 14th at her apartment. When I got there, I told her I had secured a job interview for Sunday, October 17th for a second job to pay for the ring. That night while I was hanging out with her my mom called. My dad had driven home drunk from work and crashed his truck into her car in the driveway, totalling both vehicles. I left my ex there to help my mom take him to a rehab facility. So the next Saturday, October 16th, we were supposed to go to another wedding for her friend, and I had let my mom borrow my car since my dad had wrecked both of theirs. My ex texts me at nine in the morning asking to come over. The plan was for me to take the public transit to her neighborhood so she could pick me up and then we would go to the wedding together.I thought it was weird that she wanted to come over so early, so I texted her back and said "We have several hours to kill before the wedding, what do you want to do?" And she texts back "I'll be there in 30 and we can talk." So that got my radar up immediately and I called her and she didn't answer. I called again and she didn't pick up. So when she got to my place I pretty much knew what she was about to do.

 

Remember how I said she had never been with a guy longer than a year? This was exactly two weeks shy of our first anniversary. When she arrived, she came into my apt and said she doesn't feel like she can love me the way I want to be loved and need to be loved. I tell her I don't feel neglected by her. She said when I give her compliments and show her affection, she doesn't feel like that person on the inside. She said she's never been in a relationship longer than a year and she always does this. She said she doesn't want to waste anymore of my time and make me go to weddings I don't want to go to and don't have to go to. I NEVER expressed any resentment about all these weddings for her friends/family, and it hurt for her to project that on to me. I told her that I never resented having to go to weddings with her, I just loved being with her, and I didn't care what we did. After about 15 minutes she got up and left. I missed a couple red flags before she broke up with me. She made a very weird comment a few weeks before breaking up about how she wanted to go to heaven now. I was like "What the hell? Don't you mean you want to go to heaven when you die? What about our future together? You're not looking forward to that?" And she says "Don't worry, I'm not suicidal, I'd just rather be there now." There were also a few other occasions where she said she wished Jesus would come back already. She also made a comment that was a precursor to when she broke up with me and she said she couldn't love me the exact same way that I loved her and I needed to be okay with that. Since up to this time we had both been very happy with each other, I thought she was talking about different loving styles and I was like "Sure, no problem."

 

I never called, texted, emailed, IM'd, showed up at her apt or job, or sought out her friends or family. The only two gestures I made post breakup were to send her flowers and I wrote her a snail letter. The snail letter was about two weeks after the breakup. I had some friends look it over first so I didn't come accross as pathetically begging to get back together or being hateful or spiteful. I basically just said that I respected her decision, but that I thought what we had together was worth trying to save and that I wanted to try couples counseling. And if she didn't want to do that, then we couldn't be friends or remain in touch. Her response to that final letter was to maintain 2.5 months of radio silence and then she emailed me during funeral preparations for my grandfather to ask for her bike back.

 

It was sad and weird seeing her again. The whole encounter lasted four minutes. I could tell she was genuinely glad to see me, but it felt like there was this invisible plane between us. I didn't want to inquire about what she was currently up to and risk info I wouldn't want to hear, nor could I bring up the past without pissing her off. I figured that whining and begging to get back together, or being hateful and spiteful would just let her conscience off the hook and eases her guilt, so I played it dignified. After I loaded the bike in her vehicle, I said "I just want to say take care of yourself, I wish you well, I will always care about you, and thank you for letting me be a part of your life." And she said "Aww thank you" and then I told her goodbye and walked back to my apt.

 

Most breakups there is some sort of underlying logic to what is occurring, and I don't believe that happened here. And usually when a relationship ends, it's been going downhill for a while. Things were still very, very good. And then there were the plans and commitment she made that she was unable and unwilling to follow through on. Most people I talk to say that these are commitment/intimacy/abandonment/daddy issues and I'm better off. But man is it hard to emotionally accept that. All you remember is that the relationship itself was grounded and stable, full of love, almost no drama or conflict, and how could somebody walk away from that?

 

She discarded me like a piece of garbage, and abandoned me when I needed her the most after what happened with my dad. It's not normal to so quickly go from "I love you, I want to marry you, you're the best I've ever had" to wanting me out of your life. The whole thing has been a huge mindf*ck. Six months on and I feel a lot better, but I still have so much healing to do. I've casually dated and even gotten laid a few times, but I'm not healed.

[ClarenceRutherford]

As far as fitness goes, I kept in tip-top shape.

She even mentioned that she likes a little bit of a beer belly on a guy and she thought I was a little too skinny.

 

And you know she put on a bit of weight while we were together (not that I said anything!), which is a sign that they're happy because girls will do that when they are in a relationship that is fulfilling to them.

Wow, Green, I never knew that. Kind of some inside info. there.

 

My wife has gained - and lost - a few extra pounds. But like you, I would never say anything.

 

(TBH, I'm not as slim as I used to be... but not overweight or fat)..

 

Guess that tells me she isn't ready to bolt, though I thought at one time recently that she might be withdrawing.... So I ramped up my online flirting and IM'ing with her...

[jonesyjakk]

hey guys whats been cooking? sf how you keeping bro?

 

 

jonesy

[GreenPolicy]

Wow, Green, I never knew that. Kind of some inside info. there.

 

My wife has gained - and lost - a few extra pounds. But like you, I would never say anything.

 

Guess that tells me she isn't ready to bolt, though I thought at one time recently that she might be withdrawing.... So I ramped up my online flirting and IM'ing with her...

 

Not all women, but a lot of times when they're happy with a guy, they slack off on their fitness goals a little bit. One of the red flags when a woman is either cheating on you or about to dump you and go back on the market is when they start ramping up the exercise.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Not all women, but a lot of times when they're happy with a guy, they slack off on their fitness goals a little bit.

 

One of the red flags when a woman is either cheating on you or about to dump you and go back on the market is when they start ramping up the exercise.

Oops. She started going to a fitness center a couple of years ago, but didn't keep at it.

Maybe she was thinkin' of leaving....

[GreenPolicy]

Oops. She started going to a fitness center a couple of years ago, but didn't keep at it.

Maybe she was thinkin' of leaving....

 

I guess it's an inductive/deductive reasoning thing. Not all women who are into exercise are cheating on their man/about to dump him, but pretty much all women who are cheating/about to dump a guy are trying to get their body in shape for Other Man/Dating Scene.

[ClarenceRutherford]

You're fiance didn't start going to the gym, did she? I don't recall you posting that. She was an "odd bird" in some other areas, though, as you told us.

[GreenPolicy]

You're fiance didn't start going to the gym, did she? I don't recall you posting that. She was an "odd bird" in some other areas, though, as you told us.

 

No, not really. One of her friends from work was a yoga instructor and started doing free lessons at the W Hotel here, along with a free wine thing afterwards. It was about 4 free classes in all. My ex wanted me to go with her. The first class coincided with a football game for one of my teams. Since there were three other classes, I said I wanted to watch the game with some buddies and I'd go with her the next time. The next time she didn't RSVP in time. The third time I had gone down to visit my 92 year old grandmother with my parents and we didn't get back in time. The fourth time I did go with her and was glad for the experience. Usually they don't try to include you in their exercise routines.

[sfindependent]

Busy monday eh, folks? How's everyone going? Glad to see people are posting on here.

 

 

hey sf independent. i read some of your post in this thread. how long did it take you to stop holding on? im trying to let go but it seems so hard at times. its been a month and ten days since the break up. ten days ago i talked to my ex and told her that i need space. because every time we would talk she would get deffensive over the most random things. and pretty much i feel kinda like you at times. it makes me feel worse to talk to her

 

I'm still aching, don't get me wrong. it helped that she turned from loving, caring person to some flying bat outta hell almost immediately. In the beginning, in hindsight, she was acting like she wasn't sure of the BU, calling, texting, "reporting" she's gone home etc. When i finally moved out and started to distance myself away from her, i think she started to turn her energy into hating me. I hate feeling the way i did after the BU and just listened to the people here. Obviously i'm not as consistent as other people here on ENA but we broke up in mid Jan 2011, moved out Feb 1st of the same year and then would have some LC. LC has not helped since SHE's keeps on trying to pick fights, gets upset over the smallest things. makes me realize she's a bit looney. Also the realization that there's only a few things we have in common, bad communication, etc etc. some of which are HER issues, not mine.

 

If anyone gets emotionally high or low from talking to an ex that means they ex still has "power" of them. If you get to a point where you are centered and have your own life it will not matter. Until one reaches that state everything else is BS.

I agree, somewhat. I mean there's a lot of things that she/i have argued about that I just get mad about, and my feelings aren't necessarily involved such as her playing these games. I'm more frustrated and annoyed than hopeful and loving. If a buddy of mine pulled the same mindfk as she did, i'd probably be pissed too. It happens that her "games" remind me of her and our past thing together. if me and another ex argued right now, it doesn't necessarily mean i want her back or that she has the power. sometimes it just means i'm human to react to something i don't want to hear. If it was my ex and she knew how to hurt me, i'm pretty sure if the insult is bad enough i'd react. Soem of the thigns she has said i've let slide. Its small and petty, why waste time? But i do agree with you that me personally, still have feelings for her, although it's dimishing on a daily basis, i'd still get hurt depending on the "gun" she pulls to hit me with something hurtful. thus my avoidance of her.

 

Six months since my breakup, 5 1/2 months of NC. I maintain NC because I am not over her and I know that breaking it would cause even more emotional distress than maintaining NC, which is hard and painful enough.

 

I dated someone for 2 years, and it took me a year to really get over her, like NOt thinking of her at all over her. it just depends on what how people react/take BU's. I've also experienced the harder side of BU's so i'm a bit more ready to handle this one better.

 

so I don't understand why the OP continues to torture himself with excuses to contact his EX

 

ever since the start of the BU, coming from another BU years ago that I begged and pleaded, I KNEW begging, pleading and whatnot will not get me anywhere. Although most of the contact that was made by my ex was negative in the back of my mind, knowing her, it takes a big "humbling" for her to approach the subject of "reconciliation". so in the beginning I accepted the bread crumbs. But then after a while i noticed that it wasn't about recon that she wanted but contact was just to alleviate her pain of missing me. Nowadays, the air is very formal and hostile. So i keep it short when i do have to talk to her. I dont think anyone in their right mind would particularly like being reminded of rejection/hurt so it's not my intention anymore to provide "excuses" just to talk to her. I'm not stupid to involve myself with someone that doesn't want me in their lives. I have to talk to her and not in a needy "i have to talk to her now because i miss her". F that. But when i do talk to her it's because I have to it's tax documents. It's my car. i make it where i'm nice. Why? Because I'm who i am. i don't want to put a front. i'm becoming really happy being single. i'm a nice guy. i don't hate. I've always been realistic. tish hurts but i'll get over it. my previous if not current emotional state is only dictated by my feelings and i don't live vicariously on my feelings alone. I do think about her a lot; but i've got a lot of things to work on with myself. If u told me i was making excuses to contact her yeah 5 weeks or so ago when i started this thread, yeah i'd have to admit i would be making excuses to contact her. but her demeanor and behavior towards me after that just made it easier for me not to want her back in this mindset. i lvoe her, nver denied that, but i don't want THIS woman right now.

 

hey guys whats been cooking? sf how you keeping bro?

 

jonesy

 

Jonesy! yeah, things are good. Took my bike to work yesterday, bike 10mi, rode in the presidio, goldengate bridge and ended up at the beach where i met a few friends and had a few beers. It was a great night. My ex would've loved it herself but meh. I loved it so it doesnt really mean anything if she would or wouldn't right? tip tho: don't get lost in the city. it's all hills. I've been doing this program on the iphone called instagram. been taking crazy awesome pictures and loving it.

 

I guess it's an inductive/deductive reasoning thing. Not all women who are into exercise are cheating on their man/about to dump him, but pretty much all women who are cheating/about to dump a guy are trying to get their body in shape for Other Man/Dating Scene.

 

I don't agree with this entirely, some people jsut realize they've let themselves go or want to really change for the better for that person.

 

wow! seriously busy weekend. hope everyone is doing well in their own little cubby holes.

 

SF

[jonesyjakk]

sf.....forget her man.... come on bro time to start manning up......! come on bro!!!!!!

 

jonesy

[ClarenceRutherford]

sf.....forget her man.... come on bro time to start manning up......! come on bro!!!!!!

 

jonesy

+1 +1 +1 +1

[sfindependent]

@Jonesy/ FLman - Believe me. I'm not as hard up as i may have put myself to be out here. I don't sit around thinking about my ex and wallowing in depression...The emotions wax and wane, but in general, I'm very happy where i'm at. i think i've mentioned here that people are picking up on my positivity and good mood. Of course, you'd think about the ex once in a while and i'd feel sad about the loss, but really, I'm in a good position in life. I've been going on dates, hanging with friends; doing my own thing (i[m addicted to taking pics on my iphone and editing them with instragram) getting back on my old 1980's road bike and living the city life (i can feel i'm turning into some hipster tish i don't like, lol). I'm inspired to get my life together and be an adult and live through the eccentricity that is San Fran and enjoy every minute of it by myself or with people (friends and future wife, lol).

 

She's in the back of my head, my feelings are there, but she's not my priority anymore. but thanks for the support fellas. I still get the missing her part, and i think that's natural. there's still the whatif's but it's not my number one thought in my head.

 

How are YOU all doing? FL? GG? Jonesy? Real? MIC? errryone else?

 

it's a beautiful day in SF!

[hetro]

For some reason i feel like you are lucky to have your ex contact you after a break up even if it is to try to get a reaction out of you, it always gave me a sick sense of satisfaction knowing she is still seeking attention from me even though she is with another guy.

 

Mine just dumped me a month a half ago (for another dude after 4 years), called me after 3 weeks on a blocked number to cry/apologize and poof she disappeared. Her not contacting me makes me feel like it was a giant waste of time and she doesn't give a crap about any of the things i did for her. Of course i did tell her friendship wasn't an option and only contact me if she wants to work on things.

 

Pretty much how i felt afterwards

 

 

and kinda how i feel today

 

[sfindependent]

@hetro - yeah, i can see where you're coming from... it's kind of like, at least you know they're thinking about u, regardless of the kind of thought they have of you. I've not heard from her in a few days so i suppose she's doing fine.

 

u can really tell a certain amount of self satisfaction knowing you're getting through it on your own, rather than depending on their emotions to get you through the day. You don't feel the "had a bad day feeling" yourself when your partner tells you she had a bad day and you can't do anything to make her feel better other than feel bad yourself and get sucked in the drama. the girls i've seen so far after the BU have been tishy, i mean, drama, no spark bleh. it's cool though. I'm not sad or whatnot about the situation. as a matter of fact, it makes me feel good knowing i can identify the bad things now early on rather than just take everything (good or bad) in stride just to have a relationship. I can see why people remain single for so long.

 

it's frustrating though, i mean, i've been trying to have a decent contact relationship with her where neither of us are committed to each other, see each other in a positive light, and keep all contact light fun and all that jazz. But she's been hostile, gets upset way too easily, gets upset with everything that i talk about and just wants to drink with her drinking buddies through life. I'm not one to say i don't drink or do the whole denial thing. But i think i'm a bit ahead of the game when i know i've to deal with these issues i've identified and ignored for the longest time, i'm trying to put value in ALL my relationships (including the exes and her if permitted, a couple of exes are really good friends), live outside my box, and just enjoy the beauty that is life in general. for the longest time i wanted to enjoy life with her (you're talking to a guy who enjoys just sitting on a street corner and watching the people go by or sit in a coffee shop and just chat with friends or go kayaking in the local lake) but she either didn't want to enjoy it with me, or just wasn't into it herself. whatever the reason. it's done

 

i'm just trying to be a happy man. if it makes you feel like you wasted your time being with her, can you imagine the wasted time you're spending while being alone?

[twitchyfingers]

If you go back and read your first post, the gains you've made since then are HUGE. Moving out, becoming a social butterfly, rockin' on the career front...damned impressive. It sounds like she is just being very childish in her interactions with you, but that will be a thing of the past once you've sorted out the last practical items that are keeping you in contact with her.

 

What are you thinking of doing with the non-running car that's at her place? If you wanna go full hipster, you gotta go car-free and be all militant about it. ;-p

[sfindependent]

If you go back and read your first post, the gains you've made since then are HUGE. Moving out, becoming a social butterfly, rockin' on the career front...damned impressive. It sounds like she is just being very childish in her interactions with you, but that will be a thing of the past once you've sorted out the last practical items that are keeping you in contact with her.

 

What are you thinking of doing with the non-running car that's at her place? If you wanna go full hipster, you gotta go car-free and be all militant about it. ;-p

 

thank you, thank you *bows* *then bows again* thank you lol

 

i guess one of the REAL reasons (among many, including me really loving her) was that I was a "social butterfly" before and WHEN i was with her. I work as a social worker, it's in my personality to be really personable. my other exes and most of my friends call me out on my "hoe-ish" ways. I've been like that. But when i met her, i promised HER and myself i'll be focus my time on her, really take this relationship seriously and make it work. When you think like that from that perspective and she tells you "i only stayed here out of guilt" and "you're not the one" in a drunken stupor AT A BAR and "I wish i loved you the way you love me" months after her committing to moving all her tish from FL to CA and us getting "domestic partnership" status for joint insurance; it will hurt somewhat. lol yeah, i wish we can be friends and whatnot but everything is just so damn messy and both of us can hurt each other so much by each other's action. I don't want to hurt her more, nor do i want to get myself hurt further. so i stay away as much as i can.

 

i started my career choice before i met her, went to take my master's and just really focus on my experiences and my resume. my resume is PIMP. i beat out licensed clinicians with my experience sometimes for job offers i am a sponge when it comes to the tish that involves my work.

 

moving out was awesome but i'd have to move out again and find a different place. Not happy with my roomie but other than that, everything's dandy at home.

 

My car? I was planning on road racing it on the SCCA, i've already have the BBS wheels, the rear and front strut tower bars, front and rear sway bars, stock Gti recaro seats (with bolsters to keep me from sliding off). it's a long way from getting done but i just want it OUT of there. I used to road race (legal and all) complete with helmets lol. But tish is expensive man!

 

and screw hipsters, where the boys look like girls and the actual girls are fine as hell but these girls got more issues than national geographic, GQ and sports illustrated combined no way am i wearing tight pencil pants, crazy hair and complain about every damn thing on the planet. give me my bacon, my porsche Gt3, a bespoke armani suit and a 350k annual salary. lol!

 

mmmmmm hipster girls. Love them love them love them. no way am i going to marry one, but they are definitely hot. in looking at myself right now, i feel i'll settle down with someone who's sooo not my ex. catholic values, family oriented, domesticated, hardly parties kinda girl. lol oh well. till then i've got other tish to do.

[hetro]

I dunno dude, i dont feel like im wasting any time alone right now im just doin me and thats it. The only reason i feel like i wasted time is because i went out of my way for a person and they don't seem to appreciate it or have any respect for our relationship.

 

Pretty much like Realdeals tag line.. "The degree to which a man is devastated when a relationship ends is directly proportional to the degree that he allowed his terms and boundaries to be compromised during that relationship." When i read this it really hit me hard because i realized i wasn't looking out for my best interests, i was seeking approval from someone which is no way to live life. You shouldn't have to chase someone this much, if they want to be with you cool, if not ohhhhhhhhhhhh well. I found it helpful to imagine if a dude or friend was acting this way, would you even bother talking to him for another 5 minutes? You'd be like this dude is a D**K why am i even wasting my time. Like if you lend a friend 100 bucks and he never talks to you again, you are like wow im glad i found out now PEACE

 

From what i read throughout this whole thread you are definitely doing great man, and i appreciate you sharing your story because it helped me a ton.

[sfindependent]

sounds great man. and thanks for the compliment, but it was the ladies and fellas here who are sticking with me through this that has made the difference.

 

i may get long winded at times outta frustration and/or me thinking about my situation so i hope people don't mind that. I think it's more entertaining to read it hear than have me talk about it directly to someone.

 

it also helped that i went through this before with someone else. that one burned me, and burned a lot of bridges. i swore to myself i would never go through that hell again.

 

i'm not to deny i still think about her a lot and that i'm fully healed. I'm sure i'll be posting tish about her on here again at one point or another. I miss her still, think about her, but she's not my life anymore. she stopped being in mine the day she called it quits to an otherwise good relationship. her own inability to be involve herself in the relationship was our downfall, and one day i hope she wakes up and realizes that. maybe that day will come when i really don't care and she'd already burned her otherwise very steady, committed and loving bridge with me.

 

stranger or not we're all going through this together.

 

onwards and forwards,

SF

[sfindependent]

i'm not to deny i still think about her a lot and that i'm fully healed. I'm sure i'll be posting tish about her on here again at one point or another. I miss her still, think about her, but she's not my life anymore. she stopped being in mine the day she called it quits to an otherwise good relationship. her own inability to be involve herself in the relationship was our downfall, and one day i hope she wakes up and realizes that. maybe that day will come when i really don't care and she'd already burned her otherwise very steady, committed and loving bridge with me.

 

gaddamit. Ok, this is lame but so i got home tonight after biking a loooong way (im going to start biking a 4mi bike ride everyday for work). i was supposed to do my taxes and laundry but i fell asleep instead. when i woke up i wanted to do my groceries (i've not done it in a while) so i got up after 3hrs of d*cking around, and walked to get the bus to the store.

 

when i got there, the act of doing groceries brought back soooo many memories of us. i know it's stupid to think about it, but she sort of just popped in my head. she cooked for me and we would spend time in the grocery store planning our meals. i gained so much weight from her cooking awesomeness. it brought back the beauty of us being together and her taking care of me, making sure i brought lunch. She would even take it to my old work at times when she would take my dog for walks. It just brought back the love we had and where i'm at right now. I was with someone who i took care of, and who took care of me. Now it's like i'm back to being almost homeless again eating from a box. i say agai because that's exactly how i was when she met me. almost homeless and just starting off with a career.

 

but i got up, pushed the thoughts away. my mind even started wandering to "maybe she's outta town with the guy at the island she was asking me about" HA. pushd it away and went on my way. Listened to Rhett Miller, and walked/bussed it home with two hands full of groceries. i got home plopped and now here on ENA. this moving out, this doing things on my own, this is my growth. this is part of me growning up, gaining independence and moving on with life. I don't need her or anyone. If i want great home cooked meals (which i do), i cannot depend on her to make me fabulous dinners and to make me happy. And that's both literally and figuratively in sense.

 

i just wish i can get over this whole feelings sooner. I'll get better.

 

btw, adding to my unwanted "hipster transformation", lessened drinking soda. more water and coffee or tea instead. hahaha. all these changes i'm sure my ex hates me even more... oh well. whatever. don't and shouldn't really care.

 

i've still got a long way to go from being healed, but i'm getting there. I'm feeling better quicker and regain my composure sooner. the feeling of missing her remains just that. missing her. nothing else. We're still not talking (i can't call it NC since we still have contact) but this period of separation really has made a difference with my disposition.