i'm such a wreck right now. Help.Nonchalance fail.

[twitchyfingers]

Cutting the booze out (or down a few notches) will probably go a long way toward helping you heal, if you've been drinking a bit much. I think you'll find your emotions less volatile, and you'll be less easily inflamed by thoughts and feelings (not saying that you are easily inflamed, just that you'll be less so).

 

The plan to get the car finished up and outta there is excellent. That'll be a big step forward...one less material attachment to her place, and her.

[MakeItCount]

You can't be friends with her until you're over her man. That's the basic truth.

[sfindependent]

yeah. id have these waxing/waning comes and goes. i hate the fact that my sentimentality comes into effect a lot of times. ok i get it, things didnt work out big whoop. but i just sort of beg the question: how would it be if we really worked it out together? what if MY half of the relationship improved? what if i miss something? pah. i know these are useless thoughts and i know this is just a minor set back (me thinking these thoughts) and ill get over it soon enough. i know she's bad for me. i want someone who fits me perfectly, not someone who i have to fit into.

 

just some questions i have that can only be answered with time. she refuses to have a serious conversation with me, a conversation i want to have. not to beg her back or to plead my love for her, but to tell her what ive learned: the value of a person's existence. But i dont know why she wont. maybe she is afraid of what ill say. maybe shes afraid i could hurt her all over. or maybe she doesnt want to acknowledge the guilt she feels. ill never know, maybe. it would just he comforting to let her know ive grown up and maybe even out grown her. but if i dont get that at all well, ill live.

[MakeItCount]

Don't find comfort in what she thinks about you, how much you've grown, etc. It's not the correct way to go about it. The thing is, you keep putting this on you. You do what you gotta do for you...what are you missing out on? A cold girl who has no clue what she wants?

 

She doesn't want to work it out. Not now, maybe not ever. That's sign enough for you to keep pushing on. There's a time, place, and situation where it's beneficiary to be friends; this isn't one of them. The big pattern with you is super over analyzing her and yourself. It's simple: At some point, if you keep doing you, you'll realize your own value and realize that you deserve better. Get to that point, and you won't give a crap.

[sfindependent]

You can't be friends with her until you're over her man. That's the basic truth.

 

i believe that. i canhang with my other exes right now because there's no feelings anymore. they can hook up with the next guy behind me for all i care... thus my hesitance to meet with my most current ex last week. Thus my silence and just keeping on with my life. ... i'm a little smarter than how i was when i started this thread... still a bit emotional though. Another girl i hooked up with occasionally said "i was back to my old self"... So my personality, my life and errrrything else is coming back/getting better... sooner or later when i'm over her, i'll be all good.

 

OAN: Me, this "still in love" self that i present to ENA isn't all me. i'm not all about my ex... i'm not a guy who's just hell bent in dwelling over my ex. I work and live just like everyone else. there's just this lingering thought in the back of my head that just won't go away fast enough

 

and yes, ETOH should be cut down. wayyyy down.

[sfindependent]

that's the F'd up thing about me. It's not just her that i over analyze, it's everything. that's me, that's why i work well in the industry that i'm in. If i didn't analyze the situation, the person i'm working with...i'd be missing out on the details of my patients.

 

and another f'd up thing is that i know this isn't good for me. even when we were together some of my closest friends told me to drop her. i used to mountain bike, i started kayaking the bay, i drank/partied but not binge drank almost daily, if i had a problem, i acknowledged it and worked on it. all that went downhill coz i was trying to consistently please her because she was always unhappy with life. i was also getting into hiking! Oh i'm not denying i'm that i'm not alcoholic, i am. But i also had other activities that didn't involve drinking.

 

* * * am i doing? i am doing a lot of things for me. but i can't help but just, wonder.

[TomboyMS]

It's sad but sometimes you have to let people go to maintain your dignity and sanity. It's the codependent in you that's wanting to hold on to her. In any relationship between two people both are equallly responsible for maintaining the connection. I'm not seeing where she's doing her part. She won't make a true effort to hold on to you because she already knows she doesn't have to. You are willing to do both your part and hers. Not a good scenario.

 

exactly. well, the "us" im referring to isnt the "us" we're together in love "us". im talking about basic human connection, maybe a bit more of that given our history. u had that with your ex... you have that still dont u? us meaning two people who shared a connection between each other. i spent two years woth her a little short of marrying her and almost havong a child. there is an us and what comes after that? nothing? isnt that a disservice to human relationships? ive seen hundreds of old couples stick together... even after traumatizing heartaches. idont know. maye she would never see this side of me or appreciate it. but par of me wants to reach out and say what i really want from her... a deeper connection than what we previously had. but then again... i can use a world with one less heartache.

[anthony4]

Very good advice for anyone Tomboy. Very good indeed.

[ClarenceRutherford]

It's over, SF Indy.

 

Please don't try to hold on and over-analyze things.

There is no "us' anymore between you and her. Just you. And her. Separtely.

 

She's made that clear and Tomboy reminds you of this.

 

Please try to move on.

 

We all want you to heal.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Originally Posted by sfindependent

us meaning two people who shared a connection between each other.

 

i spent two years woth her a little short of marrying her and almost havong a child.

 

there is an us and what comes after that? nothing?

Unfortunately, yes. There's nothing.

Only memories.

 

Until she takes you back (and I know you want that-- I did too in my case), you gotta live your life as if she doesn't exist.

 

She's made it clear she doesn't want you as a romantic friend or lover.

There's nothing you can do to change her mind.

 

Staying in contact won't help "win" her back to you, if she ever did want to return (most EXs never return, though there are exceptions).

 

Of course, she keeps in contact with you but as a man who's trying to heal, you need to disregard or ignore her contact or texts. You deserve better, SF Indy.

 

****

On the memories, I'd recommend destroying most of the pics you have of her. Okay, maybe keep a couple, but for your emotional health, destroy them or pack them away in a box so you aren't reminded of the love you two once had every time your eyes eyeball the photos.

 

I have only one pic from my EX. Used to have more (of her and other former GFs), but I trashed those old pics years ago. Glad I kept one, so I could better remember her face. The pic is of her and I in a park holding hands...So young and in love..... Still it hurts to view that. I scanned it and pitched the original. (I earlier linked to a pic of her and I online).

 

Funny. After our breakup, I took a pic I had framed of her and I and threw it in the frame out the apt. window. It landed on the top of a carport. Rains discolored it until it faded and you couldn't recognize it anymore from our window.

 

My roomie noticed that too. "The pic is fading, FL man..."

Wish her memory faded as quickly....

[twitchyfingers]

... So my personality, my life and errrrything else is coming back/getting better...

 

Good to hear, and keep shifting your focus back to that goal if you start to feel squirrelly. Reclaim the parts of your life that got sucked under while you were with her, and add in some new growth and interests, and you will be a better man for having gone through both the relationship and the breakup.

 

Sounds corny as hell, but you know what I mean.

[sfindependent]

It's sad but sometimes you have to let people go to maintain your dignity and sanity. It's the codependent in you that's wanting to hold on to her. In any relationship between two people both are equallly responsible for maintaining the connection. I'm not seeing where she's doing her part. She won't make a true effort to hold on to you because she already knows she doesn't have to. You are willing to do both your part and hers. Not a good scenario

 

exactly... I don't see anything. I realize i'm not her priority right now and frankly, despite me mulling over her, she's not my priority either. I'm shifting my priorities to what i've got to do. I've been planning/working on several projects here at work. I'm currently working on an activities manual for my residents, newsletters, community projects/integration and the like.

 

I'm standing by my ground. I'm not going to do anything such as see her/hang out with her unless we're on the same page. I've a feeling it's a half a$$ed attempt to not burn bridges on her part and frankly, that's not enough for me. When i told her that i cut the cable finally and told her to either return the box herself or i'll have return it myself her reply was "remind me this weekend if i've not forgotten to do it"... clearly i'm not a priority. I also wouldn't doubt it if it's a ploy for her to have me come over to her place and her see me, but i'm not going to fall for that. Either way, it just shows me a petty, non-prioritized gesture towards me and i'm not really up to that kind of deal.

 

Folks, i've got more dignity and respect for myself. Sometimes i've to admit i'll place other people before me. but i see how some people like her need to be in the back of the line more than other people.

 

It's over, SF Indy.

 

Please don't try to hold on and over-analyze things.

There is no "us' anymore between you and her. Just you. And her. Separtely.

 

She's made that clear and Tomboy reminds you of this.

 

Please try to move on.

 

We all want you to heal.

 

Thank you. I do want to heal too. And i know it's over, over. Just a shame things ended the way they did. I'm NOT fully healed and I need to make the appropriate steps to completely heal, i know that. everytime i think about it, the whole situation just makes me NOT want to be friends with her at all. what's the point? if i did become friends, i will slowly be ushered out of her life under the pretense of us being friends and she'll start living a guilt free, dating life and whatever life she chooses to live. I'm not ok with that.

 

Unfortunately, yes. There's nothing.

Only memories.

 

Until she takes you back (and I know you want that-- I did too in my case), you gotta live your life as if she doesn't exist.

 

She's made it clear she doesn't want you as a romantic friend or lover.

There's nothing you can do to change her mind.

 

Staying in contact won't help "win" her back to you, if she ever did want to return (most EXs never return, though there are exceptions).

 

Of course, she keeps in contact with you but as a man who's trying to heal, you need to disregard or ignore her contact or texts. You deserve better, SF Indy.

 

****

On the memories, I'd recommend destroying most of the pics you have of her. Okay, maybe keep a couple, but for your emotional health, destroy them or pack them away in a box so you aren't reminded of the love you two once had every time your eyes eyeball the photos.

 

I have only one pic from my EX. Used to have more (of her and other former GFs), but I trashed those old pics years ago. Glad I kept one, so I could better remember her face. The pic is of her and I in a park holding hands...So young and in love..... Still it hurts to view that. I scanned it and pitched the original. (I earlier linked to a pic of her and I online).

 

Funny. After our breakup, I took a pic I had framed of her and I and threw it in the frame out the apt. window. It landed on the top of a carport. Rains discolored it until it faded and you couldn't recognize it anymore from our window.

 

My roomie noticed that too. "The pic is fading, FL man..."

Wish her memory faded as quickly....

 

What an analogy. Yes, pictures and memories fade. In my case, yes, i've put away pictures, letters, etc in a closet. One of these days i'll toss them just like the rest of my other memorabilia from my exes. I've done 3 moves within a 12mo period and shedding all these baggage certainly did wonders for my attachment.

 

I've not hidden the fact that I do want her back but not this way. Not her like this. Not where i'm not the priority, not when there's no trust, not where there's nothing i can stand on to fully be willing to take the time, effort and risk of heartache. I want a fresh start. a realistic one with her. I'm not going to do all the changes, the effort by myself like i did before and as Tomboy said. Sadly as MIC sasid, she's not mature enough to fully grasp the concept of valuing love when love exists. it needs to be nurtured and cared for, and not NOT be worked on and hope love will magically heal all wounds and right all wrongs. that's just outright stupid, immature and unrealistic.

 

Good to hear, and keep shifting your focus back to that goal if you start to feel squirrelly. Reclaim the parts of your life that got sucked under while you were with her, and add in some new growth and interests, and you will be a better man for having gone through both the relationship and the breakup.

 

Sounds corny as hell, but you know what I mean.

 

Not corny as hell. One of the things i'm trying to do is be more fit, cut, sexy. But i'm naturally skinny and i've been biking like hell around the city, i've been avoiding the bus as much as i can and i ride to and from work about 5mi of hills and city traffic which might not be much for other people but people are commenting on how thin i've gotten coz of the changes in my routines. I'm also eating smaller portions, compared to before where i'd eat 3x portions and no exercise when i was with the ex. I'll get there. I want a Ryan Reynolds kinda bod, but given my asian frame... i wont get there. lol. i'm within my IBW but still would want to bulk up a bit.

 

Just sucks that sometimes, i doubt myself if i'm doing the right things, especially given the time away from each other.

 

Bottomline is i want us back together, if it's possible. better than before. If it's a possibility i would take it.

 

If not, then i don't need to be around that tish and how she wants to live her life. I got my own to live as well. she can do positive or negative things in her life, i don't want to know. It'll just make me question even more things.

 

i will live either way. There's more people deserving the kind of person that i am out there. I know it. i'm not suffering a case of one-itis.

 

Anyway, yeah, i know better. I'll get better, folks. thanks for the love. I feel it. I'm just a normally anxious person who over analyzes things when it comes to making decisions about myself and how i handle life.

[ferna3069]

man i feel stupid man. your right i should of never texted her. i got nothing out of it. she said she wanted to be friends. even got pist off when i told her i couldnt be.

 

this how it went

me hey are you busy?

her shopping

me ok have fun then

her ok

me i have a question il just ask it. do you still want me in your life as a friend? or where you just saying it in the heat of the moment?i just wanted to know so we can be friends or i can just dippaear.

 

she neve answer

[ClarenceRutherford]

man i feel stupid man. your right i should of never texted her. i got nothing out of it. she said she wanted to be friends. even got pist off when i told her i couldnt be.

 

this how it went

me hey are you busy?

her shopping

me ok have fun then

her ok

me i have a question il just ask it. do you still want me in your life as a friend? or where you just saying it in the heat of the moment?i just wanted to know so we can be friends or i can just dippaear.

 

she neve answer

Sounds like you got your answer.:sad:

[ferna3069]

i know thats my answer which hurt so bad.she freaken got pissed of when i told her i couldnt be her friend. she even got more mad when i deleted her of facebook.but i guess she was just stringing me along i feel like such an idiot

[sfindependent]

one of the few things ive learned andntrying to live by:

 

do not ask anything you arent prepared to hear or know. itll hurt like a B.

 

gotta run quick. ill post a longer reply but i want u to know ur not alone in this.

[ferna3069]

thanlk you sfidependant. i cant believe i did it. you did warn me. man i feel so stupid. i looked at everything she told me .when the break up happened. i looked at how pissed of she was when i took her of facebook. and she got even more mad when i told her i couldnt be her friend. i guess she was just playing with my emotions. i thought man i was always there for her. but i guess that did not matter ether,

[stuka80]

ok i really wasnt even planning on creating an account here but after reading through 80-85% of this entire monster thread i really felt the need to reply.

 

SF seriously man throughout this entire thread you've been getting some really great, quality responses and advice from people like Real, MIC, llama etc and you say with words that you agree with them and that you will follow their excellent advice but you turn around and * * * * all over it with your actions which push your ex even further away and just validates her reasons for not wanting to be with you in the first place...I wish i got advice this good when i was going through my break up! Looking back at it everything they are saying has been true absolutely true but it's been falling on deaf ears.

 

I have forgotten how many times i read where you say you were going to go NC and then a couple of days later you go ahead and break it via text or online...it happened so many times just in this thread who knows what other minute details you left out in your real life dealings with her. And believe me i was banging my head on the keyboard in frustration along with everyone else here because unlike you, we're looking at this situation with a clear head and just when you take one step forward you go ahead and sabotage yourself and take 3 steps back.

 

You either have absolutely no self control and discipline or you dont really know what the definition of "NO CONTACT" is.

"NO CONTACT" means, you try your hardest and to go waaaaaayyyyy out of your way to avoid having any type of contact or connections with her.

 

meaning;

1) if she still has your stuff, tell her to leave it outside in a box and you'll pick it up at a time when she's not home OR another option, just tell her to throw it away(but really this shoulda been arranged before going NC)

2) DO NOT respond to her texts and do not initiate texts or online chat (if for whatever reason this is broken, keept it short and all business; cut out all the bs like "how was your day?" "i just ate ice cream", "my the weather is hot isn't it?" cut that * * * * * out.

3) DO NOT be somewhere if you know she's going to be there.

4) DO NOT snoop around on facebook, myspace, twitter whatever and try to find out what she's up to

5) delete her from all social media and networks (delete her phone #, facebook, myspace, twitter, ETC from your friendslists)

6) tell your friends and her friends that you dont want to hear anything concerning her meaning no updates on her life (like new job, new bf, she bought a new car, etc)

7) anything else that i might have missed can go here

 

and this might be a bit extreme but aside from all the above, i also destroyed all the gifts and anything else that i acquired from her or that reminded me of her. Notice i said destroyed, i couldn't just throw it away, i felt the need to physically destroy it.

 

Basically you need to act as if she never existed. Remember the old saying "out of sight, out of mind"

 

I'll tell you my situation when my ex dumped me, i went NC after about a week and i never broke it. she tried to get into contact with me twice within about a 3 month period over some random BS reasons and i simply ignored it. She had her friend whom i was acquainted with try to tell me about whats new in her life and also try to get me to talk about her and my feelings over everything but i put a stop to that crap right away. I know i might seem to be doing the extreme of things but you had to understand the details of the break up and my personality overall to know why i did the things i did. I have a different definition of what being a "friend" means and hence though i know alot of people and i hang out with them i only consider myself to have really 2 friends in my life. And being friends with an ex is out of the question for me, i dont consider a person who put me through the crap she did as something a friend would do. I'm done with her as my gf so that means she's out of my life permanently, none of this "lets be friends just because we used to bone" bs.

 

It was hard dont get me wrong, i was in love with that woman but what she did to me i just couldn't forgive just like that. you dont know how many times i sat in my room looking at my phone every 10 minutes hoping to see a text message from her and when i didnt it would take all of my willpower not to text her. What got me through that was the realization of how good it would feel 1 year from now when i all the feelings i had of her would be gone and i would be my normal happy self again. the point is, i stuck to NC and really started to heal alot faster than i would've if i hadn't stuck to it. NC is hard, it's not suppose to be easy, if it was everyone would be doing it but it takes alot of willpower. I'm not telling you this to toot my own horn, i'm simply showing you what worked for me. After about 6 months i really started to see things clearer than i ever did and looking back at how i handled it i was glad i was able to walk away from the situation with my dignity and self respect intact. I didnt beg and plead for her to have me back and i didnt break my rules for healing whenever she threw crumbs at me.

 

Seriously bro you gotta take to heart what people are telling you here because it's for your own good and nobody elses.

[jonesyjakk]

stuka 80,

 

probably one of the best pieces of advice ive seen on here in a long long time!!!!!!!!!!!

 

sf bro, we are all here my friend, really take this on board its priceless!!!!!!!

 

 

i hope you're well kid!

 

jonesy

[sfindependent]

@stuka, @Jonesy- thanks for the push. i appreciate the words. I'm sure you as well as most of the people here, have gone through what i'm going through, the uncertainty, the game playing, the doubt if it's the right thing to do. In my defense, i'm not entirely opposed to us getting back (it's been almost three months of LC) so i hope you understand my loosely based conviction to establish NC with her. Again, i'm not in such a bad shape. I'm carrying around this cloud over my head but in no way is it impeding my growth as a human being. i've never begged, cried after we broke up. I gave her all the signs, the words to tell her to come to me when she's comfortable but now, it's me who's not.

 

Ok, to put it in perspective if she wants me back to work on things yes, i'll give it a shot. if she wants to be friends, i do agree with you that i've also my own set of principles that is required so that I can be "friends' with someone. matter of fact, i hung out with an older ex last weekend and we've established we were friends and we hang out as so. But feelings have come and gone already and we don't want to break a good friendship between us.

 

I suppose part of me wants to get back with her, i admit that. part of me feels healed, parts of me still feels vulnerable. Parts of me feel unresolved. parts of me just want to get it done and over with. Part of me wants to get to know her again, but then a huge part of me is afraid I'm literally almost 50 50 on a lot of things. My friends and family know better and don't tell me anything unless its something that i should be really concerned about... I've always thought that the board is a great help and that's what's gotten me through this whole ordeal. yes, i've not fully done hard core NC and the time should come when i will. I'm still one of those suckers that hope things can change between us by treading around dangerous waters, but i'm learning and living my life.

 

thanks for the read

[twitchyfingers]

Out of curiosity, do you think there would be any advantage to going full-tilt NC for, say, 90 days, and then re-evaluating? After you get your car sorted out and such.

 

If the basis of a friendship (or more) is truly there, will it not still be there in a few months?

 

I'm just tossing that out there to see if it resonates. Since you're not curled up in a ball in the bathroom with a bottle of Jim Beam and 5 days of stubble it seems like what you are doing so far isn't killin' ya.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Out of curiosity, do you think there would be any advantage to going full-tilt NC for, say, 90 days, and then re-evaluating? After you get your car sorted out and such.

 

If the basis of a friendship (or more) is truly there, will it not still be there in a few months?

 

I'm just tossing that out there to see if it resonates. Since you're not curled up in a ball in the bathroom with a bottle of Jim Beam and 5 days of stubble it seems like what you are doing so far isn't killin' ya.

That's a great idea, Twitchy.

Why don't you try it SF indy?

 

Do the NC ("Come on baby, let's do the twist...") and throw in some Non Chalance as a side...

Not to put you on the spot or anything....

[sfindependent]

i think thatsba fabulous idea. just to put u in perspective about my life and how im not to in the dumps as i was before... i was out today looking at apartments in sf, again. i hate y roommate and we both dont like each other. our personalities are very different from one another. anyway im dealing with my own problems as i go through life. shes only a part of it that im not letting her affect me if ses not around.

 

in other words, i want her yes. need her? no. if she didnt exist id be totally fine not knowing her at all. im also sort of curious about if she's willing to open up to me now. but i know shes hanging with a bunch of coast guard guys she meets at the bar she frequents so im not sure how green the grass is on her side and right now im smart enough not to dig into something i am not prepared to hear or know about. so im sorta keeping my distance at the same time. its a weird situation to be in... last i talked to er she refused to have a serious conversation with me so i kinda get te feeling shes in denial or still hurting from this process too and may feel fragile too. who knows... but great idea tho i think thats a goodnroute to take

[Real Deal]

ok i really wasnt even planning on creating an account here but after reading through 80-85% of this entire monster thread i really felt the need to reply.

 

Seriously bro you gotta take to heart what people are telling you here because it's for your own good and nobody elses.

 

ummm, I agree. As he stated, this has all been covered....next?

[sfindependent]

So i've not talked to the ex for a minute. I've been busy with my own life trying to find an apartment she's the last thing i want to worry about... me and the roommate aren't working out and i'm hoping i can move out by the end of the month... please please please send me positive vibes i can get one i really want to have... studio, preferably under $1000.00/mo., kitchen, no hills, good neighborhood. that's it. I REALLLLLLY WANT/NEED this.

 

Nothing really to report about the ex. She still has my stuff, I've not heard back about her returning the cable box to the store, i'm not sure exactly what she's SOOO busy about but i'm def. busy with my life as well.

 

OAN: I had a crazy sex dream about the person who led me to ENA. It was pretty unreal and it just made me think about her (S). Ive tried to reach out to her several times and she'll periodically email back but that's 2% out of a 100%. I've not wanted to reconcile with her, but genuinely just wanted to see how she's been. Anyway, wow. that was an amazing dream last night, lol.

 

back to ex related news: i posted instagram pics up on my FB... and I'm not sure if you remember the lesbians (Mstomboy, no offense to use that term...) back somewhere in the thread commented on my page. I have blocked HER feeds as well so i was surprised she complimented me on my pics. Anyway, we ended up texting instead and she wanted to hangout this week, probably. she said "i'll probably come out by myself" meaning she won't take her gf with her... She said i looked good from some of the pics i posted up saying I lost weight; so i sent her a pic of me showing off my biking/gym body via MMS. she said "I love it! i can see a pimp cut developing (that little cut on the side of the abs pointing outwards upwards) sf ladies better watch out!" then "sounds like you're having a great time in the city. I'm really happy for you". At this point, i'm not really against seeing the ex's friends either. especially if i'm portraying a good,happy person. this girl and her gf are people who my ex likes hanging out with, feels that they're HER friends. the other day, i was on the phone with a friend of my ex from FL inviting me to their place and was very happy i helped him through an application process. i'm not doing this on purpose to make my way back to the ex, they're just people, one whom i helped with a job all the way from here to FL and one who wants to hang with me here in the city. nothing to that. it sounds small but he was genuinely excited to get the job.

 

i am very curious about how we (me and the ex) will be as friends, but based on how i feel at the moment, and possibly in the near future, i'd like to stay away from her knowing finding out she's seeing another man will surely devastate me. I'll let her friend know early on I don't want to hear anything about the ex if we ever do get to hang out.

 

wish me luck with apartment finding!