i'm such a wreck right now. Help.Nonchalance fail.

[sfindependent]

Alright man, tough love time. And I'm only doing this because after talking to Real, I realize this is the exact same state of mind I was in when we broke up. Reading into everything she said, everything she did, everything that was said during/after the relationship

 

Can it come with a virtual slap on the forehead too?

 

It sucks, thats what my buddy said as well. "you are reading too much into stuff". One even said "she's not trying to do small talk". but I don't expect her to. she's never been a small talker. Only speaks when something needs to be said. I was the gabber between us. That's my personality. We were polar opposites. She believes that that's probably why it didnt work, and i should too.

 

She hasn't taken anything of the walls - big whoop. I went to my ex's house about 2 months after we broke up, and everything was still there. Gifts, cards, and she still wears the shirt I made her. What does it mean? Nothing. It's not like she's hanging onto it hoping we'll get back together - she made it painfully obvious she didn't want to get back together. She can try to logically justify why you should be together, but it won't do anything to change her mind. Real has told you (and me) over and over it's about emotions. If she's not feeling it, she's not feeling it. She won't feel it again by you hanging around. Attraction doesn't just blow up suddenly when she looks at a painting she made you and she gets all sad. She might miss the good times, miss having your friendship, etc (which I'm sure she does), but it's not enough. Trust me on this. I had her best friend telling me how much she misses talking to me a month before she had a new boyfriend. Doesn't change ANYTHING

 

i see. you are correct again. in other words... emotions and attraction is not the same, per se. Attraction is attraction and it's not based on emotions that are anchored specifically to something else. In relationships, whether it be new or not, have to have attraction. Where in she specifically told me she wasn't attracted to me at all. Big blow to my ego, yes. But again, i'm pretty self confident with who i am. re-attraction is a difficult thing to achieve and as i read before "re-attraction is almost impossible to do, it's better off starting a new relationship". I think i am well underway into letting go. I cleared her off FB, i took her off our online games.

 

Cancel the health insurance. It's not your business anymore. Stop trying to justify it as she let's you use her car, hasn't cashed the check. MAKE HER cash the check, clear up anything owed, do it TODAY. You need to sever all ties with this woman, as it's just giving you reasons to contact her (and her you), and you can't handle it. I wouldn't be able to handle it, and I proved I couldn't. I broke down twice in front of her, killing the attraction even further. Do you really want to do this, or do you want to walk away with your head held high like a MAN. Are you a man or a mouse? Ask gallop, he'll tell you what you're being right now.

 

Somehow i think i left with dignity. I had a really bad relationship/BU at one time and I swore acting like a mouse and begging are never gonna happen again. I left this with some dignity when i left. i may have acted like i was trying to convince her and texting her long preachy messages but I stopped immediately and left the house and have moved forward since. Slowly, but forward nonetheless. She knows i'm making changes but hasn't seen me for about 3 weeks now. I'm getting braces soon, i'm working out and I have always had a positive outlook in life. I'd be looking so good hollywood would come calling me to fill in for movie stars lol.

 

Don't worry about what she's thinking. I know it's tough. In fact, nevermind. Think about it. Then think, what does it matter if she doesn't want to get back together? Trust me, she doesn't think you're over her. Reading your texts (the ones that made Real throw up, way to go ), I see myself a few months ago. I had every chance to pull away and save my dignity, but I said some really dumb stuff that shows her she still has a full on hold over me. If I could go back, I would cut ALL contact with her immediately, avoid her at any cost, and let her miss me. You know what she said 3 weeks post b/u when I asked her to meet up? She said "Looking forward to it!!" like 5 times. Imagine now, if I had let a few months roll by, and then decided to contact her. She would've had NO clue how I was doing, would've assumed I was completely over her, and think that she really wasn't anything special as I'm moving on so easily (seemingly). Now, no guarantees that would've helped us get back together, but it would've at least made her attraction go up tenfold because SHE DOUBTS HERSELF and her DECISION. THAT's the position I would've loved to be in. She would've knocked herself off her pedestal and wondered why this needy, clingy guy suddenly has all the confidence in the world and doesn't NEED her to be happy like he did in the relationship. Think about it.

 

it's been two weeks of LC and she's probably haven't seen me for more than that. I know she's doubting it, especially with the new changes in my life. I know because she was crying about it when she left for NY a few weeks back. I know she misses me, no doubt. We did a lot together as a couple despite the limited activities we did. We constantly had barbecues, either just with the two of us or the gazillion friends i had come over. Again, she made told me on the day i said i want a "a few days away" where i was going to go on NC that she "thought you were over me by the way you have been acting". I think i've established a good enough indication that I'm over her.

 

The last few texts were a step back, i admit. she wasn't into small talk and i was a bit of being overly enthusiatic... but I've always been that way, even when we were together. I'm a gabber and I need to stop that. I'm a man.

 

You're not responsible for her happiness. Let her be happy. Let her rebound. Let her do whatever the hell she wants to do. She's not your concern anymore, and you're not hers. Women don't respect doormats. Don't be one. You're making great changes, and she's bitter that you didn't do it while with her - that again will make her doubt her self-worth. It'll make her think about what she could've done better to make you feel she's worthy enough of those changes. She'll be qualifying herself to YOU, not the other way around.

 

I like that last line there. I do knwo she's bitter and i do know she knows I can get any woman i want pretty much. I think that's a kicker there... is that she KNOWS that about me. Now that i think about it, I'm definitely sure she's trying to validate herself right now, with the men and the attention she's getting from them. She hated that whenever we went out, I was the life of the party. I was the one women and men wanted to talk to and not her. She was telling me the day she revealed the new guy was that "i barely spent five bucks at the bar and people were just buying me shots and drinks all day!". I'm sure that'll fizzle down in a few months. She had extremely low self esteem and it got in the way between us in a lot of ways, but me having way too high self esteem didn't seem to make things easier on her.

 

In someways, i'm already letting her go slowly... i still don't want to hear her business but I'm starting to feel like "hey, its what she wants to do"... These are just the waxing and waning part of BU's. I do want her, i don't want her, i do want her, what is she doing who is she doing blah blah blah.

 

Again, I only say this because you're a good guy, and you're just slipping up. I'm in a place now where I don't act on my emotions, I just accept them. Yeah, I'm still hurting, but I'm not letting it hinder my life. I still have the what ifs, but I let them pass. Give yourself some time, tough through these times, and keep doing things for yourself. You're doing amazing with that. It took me a long time to start concentrating on me. Learn from my mistakes. I've made many, but you don't have to. Man up, and actually start moving on. Right now you aren't, you're just dwelling, which again, is natural. But you can't dwell forever, as it's just holding you up. Okay, I'm going to end my rant now. Whenever you waver, re-read this:

 

 

Originally Posted by bogswagen

Pah. i really need to grow a pair.

 

yeah, i do feel i'm somewhat dwelling on the past and what i wanted from her. But i can get it from anyone else, she didn't do anything more than what i can get from anyone else. In her case, she gave me heartache and i really don't want that anymore. I need to release her from my grip...It's just weird not to have her as a big part of my life now.

 

I feel like that song "hold on loosely"...

[dramallama]

 

her: Am I still cobered under your health insurance

me: Covered, yes.

 

This is how the conversation should have gone. And I agree with everything Imtheretoo and MakeItCount said, and of course, Real Deal. You're looking for an excuse to hang on, and she's still got you wrapped around her little finger. The point of moving out was to make it easier to cut ties with her. She's chosen not to be with you. Make her live with the consequence of that choice. Tie up the loose ends TODAY.

[sfindependent]

yes drama. I will end it, today. It's been going on long enough. the stuff in the garage can go last since it'll take a long time to do that. But other than that the emotional ties need to go. garage is more practical and the insurance, well. I will clarify that with her. today.

 

texted her to call me after work. i will be prepared. im already assuming she will say something hurtful and i have to be able to be ready for the sting. i need to get out ofthis spiral.

[MakeItCount]

I'm not going to talk about whether attraction can be rebuilt or not, that's a story for another time. It's irrelevant at this point.

 

You know what you gotta do, and we're here to enforce it. It's like the NC police. Except we don't carry guns

 

I'm going to do laser therapy smoking cessation today. In a month I'll be back up to weight, and back in shape after the cancer sticks are gone. Game on.

[professorplum]

Sounds interesting. Hope you will come back to the topic Can attraction be rebuilt or not though Make it Count as I would be very interested to hear your thoughts.

[sfindependent]

exactly. I suppose attraction can be rebuilt, depending on how well you "reinvented" yourself and how you left the relationship. It would be very difficult for me because I know the sex between us sucked. I mean horrible. We fought about it, she just laid there sometimes and let me do her, and whenever it was just that bad, i'll throw it out on her. It was bad bad bad. So there's no "physical attraction" to follow uip on ie "lust". I'm trying to slowly accept the emotions and hopefully learn NOT to react upon it. I hate that I get anxious when it comes to this.

 

in my case, i've a lot to fix for myself. the way i act (people mistake me sometimes for being gay. I'm a touchy feely kinda guy and it comes accross to american culture as "gay"). I also need to be less inconsiderate about other people's feelings. I've a habit of taking the reins and just going about my business. Not asking, not conisdering... and it's not helpful in any of my relationships. I also need to be more of a "man". A man who does things. Not fix cars and all that. but When i say i'll do it, i'll do it. when I say i'll change, i'll change. When i'll do, i'll do.

 

I stumbled accross an old email (i was clearing up old stuff) and found a letter she wrote me back in 2009. It was like a cheat sheet of how to make her happy and what things she hated about me doing. my inconsideration when it comes to doing what she wants, our sex life, everything. Kinda made me sad and disappointed because it reminded me of MY mistakes and what i should've done. For the most part i was a good bf, but then again, i keep thinking there's some stuff that I shouldve done to make things even better for us.

 

oh well. I'll talk to her tonight if she calls (which is ok if she doesn't, i can understand that she might have plans, its a friday). I'll be worried about it, but it will pass. I'm in the phase right now where i'm also starting be "ok" with her being with another man. Whether it's a rebound or he treats her something spectacular, i really can't do anything about it. I just don't want to know about it. Outta sight, outta mind. I also can see that after talking to her tonight and getting all these together, that we'll just not talk. She'll live her life and i'll live mine. I am sure it's going to be a "closing" conversation that will end up with us not talking at all. SImply because there's nothing else to talk about. I'll miss her, for sure. I'll think about her. But there's nothing I can do. I just have to let it go. Shoot, i had a year relationship with someone and i worked with her and i had an easier time forgetting about her.

 

we'll see.

[sfindependent]

i just wanted to vent here so instead of writing this to her, I'll just write it up here.

 

 

Hey.

 

I found a letter you wrote to me a year or so ago. It was an email you wrote me opening up to me about how you felt about me. How you loved me, what you hated about me and about how difficult you thought about life in general, and what you needed from me and how difficult it is for you to communicate how you felt about things. It made me sad thinking that both of us wanted to be there so bad for each other, but neither of us were prepared and our own issues made it harder for us to be make things easy to be with each other. Loving someone easily is what we wanted, and loving someone easily is as it should be.

 

I know neither of us intended to be where we are right now. I know i've hurt you in so many ways during the time we were together and even way after we broke up by my actions. I've always hated and regretted the fact that I made you cry, but even more so I hate the fact that there were times when I just wasn't able to make you happy at all. You know I love making you smile, and i looked forward to doing the things that make you happy. It made me happy knowing that regardless of where you got your happiness from, i was behind you supporting you.

 

I've been doing a lot of self reflection and asking myself what we're the things I have done that has brought us here. With that, I've been working to improve myself. It takes a bit of practice to be more considerate and listen to what others need or what they need me to do, but I'll get there. I re read some of your letters and even in things such as how i treated you in bed requires me to do more active listening. I can see how listening to what my partner's needs are and recalling it would make being with someone physically and emotionally unbelievably beautiful. It slips from time to time still and it's a conscious effort, but it's getting easier by the day.

 

I wanted to clear that from my head, the guilt of not being able to consistently do the things i needed to do in order for you to be truly happy with me and with yourself.

 

I know it's moot point now to be doing all these changes for us; it's not that. i know both of us are hurt but is slowly moving on from the other person. I know we're trying to lead separate lives now and it's one entangled mess that it would take a while to sort things out. I'm not bitter nor would i ever intentionally intend to hurt you.

 

yours,

b

[MakeItCount]

Get rid of the old e-mails, now.

[sfindependent]

had a conversation with M. went fine. a bit awkward at first but understandable. It was a short 5min call in total (She was headed home and her battery was dying).

 

It went fine. She's going to start looking for insurance, and if its too much, she can pay me the rest. I'm ok with that because I am not a jack@$$. I thought about it and CA medical bills are expensive and she's making enough where she won't be covered by medicaid. I went to the ER for stomach pains and it cost me 12k probably even more since i had CT scans. I talked to her about it and i told her i'm ok with that plan. If she ends up getting sick or in an accident, i would feel guilty for taking away something that can probably help her. Good Karma and positive vibes. I will take her out of it when she resolves her medical/dental issues. I will also remove my stuff when the car is ready and we reached a good agreement.

 

She talked about hanging out with our mutual friends, and going to some pottery thing tonight that she wanted to go when we were together. I talked about hanging out at the Asian American Film Fest. There was no groveling, no "i love you, I miss you". Anyway, she said she hasn't gotten to the point of cleaning up stuff from her apartment, and i told her to just put them in the garage. She still sounded guarded, and aloof and pretending to be cool about talking "word up!". I was pleasant, nonchalant, welcoming and unaffected "hey, i wanted to talk to you about the insurance thing". I tried to sound genuine about what we were talking about and considerate about what she had to say.

 

I know it maybe an opening for me to get hurt by being led on or when she decides to start dating but I am going to be NC/nonchalant, given the light of my more recent realizations about myself and what i need to do to improve my relationships, with anyone and not just on her. I shouldnt be focusing on her anymore. This is about me and my imrpovements. I've read enough posts, threads and received a lot of valuable advice from people like Count, Real and Popsicle to reel me in the right direction of living a non-dwelling life. I should, and will and AM following it.

 

I will hang with my own friends tonight and meet a few women tonight. I'm not going to wait for anything to happen between us anymore and just accept the fact that we may just end up only as good friends. I'm going to the gym tonight before i go out. People are definitely noticing my change in weight and my diminishing beer belly.

 

The sooner i move on with my life the easier life would be for me. i'll grow a pair, man up and carry what i learned from this and move on.

[sfindependent]

Get rid of the old e-mails, now.

 

Lol thats what i was doing. Clearing up my closet so to speak.

 

I'm actually glad i saw them. it made me think of what I can do for myself in my future relationships.

 

It showed me a different light as to who i was when we were together. It made me see that I wasn't as perfect as i wanted myself to be seen as. I may not be able to use what i learned with M, but I can definitely use it in my future relationships.

[Imtheretoo]

Nice letter. I sent my ex one 3 days after we broke up, not a month after. You need to stop obsessing about this, Bogs. Stop looking for things that will hurt you, god knows there are enough in the vast of an entire relationship and you're just moving from hole to hole now. You need to box everything that belongs to her; be it emails, or postcards, pictures, etc, and just put it away. Once you're ready, you'll know.

[sfindependent]

im not gonna send that letter. and yes i admit im startinh to sound a bit obsessive here but im not constantly feeling this way. the fluctuations of these feelings are sparcer, although they still do feel the same when i feel it. but then i ask myself, what can i do about it? nothing. and if i do i probably sound like an idiot and push her further from me.

 

a lot of times i may sound like i know what i should be doing and forgive me for that im just trying to im trying to live my life telling myself all these things so i would believe it. its my way of putting it down on paper instead of saying stupid things to M.

 

always move forward.

[Imtheretoo]

No I'm sorry, man. Tough love is effective but compassion is also something we shouldn't lose sight of in these situations. You'll be alright man. I was the same way, constantly moving back and forth. Feeling incredibly relieved and enlightened with knowledge one second, then falling back on despair and sorrow for my unfortunate mess the next. You're doing the best you can, I'm sure. None of this gets any easier. At least in terms of how many relationships you've come out of. I just try my best and convince myself I am better off, and that the future is brighter than the pits of hell I seem to reside in, (which only lasts about a week or two).

 

I just had my new pull up tower delivered and starting P90X again, (I did it a couple years ago), and I love the results. Nothing brings more confidence walking around the beach advertising your 6 pack and 6% body fat So I think it's awesome you're starting to lose weight, the healthy way, and improving your self-image. I just recently started dating someone and I'll be honest, I forgot who my ex was. So keep that positive attitude and vent on this forum, and take it like you said, one day at a time, and always keep moving forward.

[sfindependent]

thanks man. i hope i dont seem like a fool to everyone who's helping me round here. i am trying my bes to weigh my options without losing who i am. it hurts and i know i am open to getting hurt a lot more than i should or already have. some of the things i end up saying or doing may hurt my chances of gettin back together and im trying not to do those mistakes.

 

im going by my house to pick up some stuff. i think from the most recent conversation it sounded like we had an agreement for the mean time. i dont think we should hang out yet. i am personally not ready

but im ok with the current agreement of the arrangement for the meantime until she finds one and i get my stuff

there.

[Imtheretoo]

The ironic thing is, no matter what people say, you will always make your own mistakes. We share our experiences, our triumphs, or lows, but in the end, they are unique to our own situations. I truly think emotions and relationships are just one of those things where you have a small margin of success when learning from other people. Best we can hope for is that somehow, someway, someone else's experience sheds light into our own turmoil. Unfortunately, I have rarely been lucky in that sense, I always tend to learn from myself and try to prevent similar problems from reoccurring in the future.

[MakeItCount]

Bogs, don't worry about screwing up man. As similar as all our situations are, it's always unique in some way. You just need to remember that there is a common denominator. And that is, we are all much better in keeping NC until we're truly ready to face our ex's without any expectations, without any feelings. And that takes a long time. Look at me for example, 6 months out of a 5 month relationship...I'm still not ready to talk to her after all this time without having emotions tied into it- so I'm avoiding her until I know I'm ready. When that time will come, I don't know. All I know is that I'd rather wait another 6 months and THEN talk to her on an even ground. I've learned much my friend. The biggest lesson is...I can't separate myself from my emotions yet...so for my benefit, I'm letting everything slide off my back until the time is right.

 

Stay strong.

[ClarenceRutherford]

exactly. I suppose attraction can be rebuilt, depending on how well you "reinvented" yourself and how you left the relationship. It would be very difficult for me because I know the sex between us sucked. I mean horrible. We fought about it, she just laid there sometimes and let me do her, and whenever it was just that bad, i'll throw it out on her. It was bad bad bad. So there's no "physical attraction" to follow uip on ie "lust". I'm trying to slowly accept the emotions and hopefully learn NOT to react upon it. I hate that I get anxious when it comes to this.

Bogs,

Doesn't the sex tell you something?

She didn't appear to be into you much at all. Woman who love their guys show some emotion, do things with their arms in holding you, make sounds of enjoyment, etc. They don't just set there like a cardboard dummy.

[ClarenceRutherford]

thanks man. i hope i dont seem like a fool to everyone who's helping me round here. i am trying my bes to weigh my options without losing who i am. it hurts and i know i am open to getting hurt a lot more than i should or already have. some of the things i end up saying or doing may hurt my chances of gettin back together and im trying not to do those mistakes.

Hey, Bogs, you're not the only one round these parts with such troubles.

I recommended another poster, Jonesy, who's going through a devastating breakup, to read your thread and the solid suggestions provided by the posters.

You may not know it, but posting about your situation could help others in similar dire straits.

Bogs, don't worry about screwing up man. As similar as all our situations are, it's always unique in some way. You just need to remember that there is a common denominator. And that is, we are all much better in keeping NC until we're truly ready to face our ex's without any expectations, without any feelings. And that takes a long time. Look at me for example, 6 months out of a 5 month relationship...I'm still not ready to talk to her after all this time without having emotions tied into it- so I'm avoiding her until I know I'm ready. When that time will come, I don't know. All I know is that I'd rather wait another 6 months and THEN talk to her on an even ground. I've learned much my friend. The biggest lesson is...I can't separate myself from my emotions yet...so for my benefit, I'm letting everything slide off my back until the time is right.

Stay strong.

I read that the breaking point is relationships that last over 3 mos.

I dated a NEAR-fiance for 6 mos. It devastated me and still hurts me.

 

It was our first real love for both of us, me 26, her 29.

After she turned 30, there wasn't anything she could not find wrong with me.

She brought up getting engaged so I let emotions enter my mind and took the breakup personally. I did much better in future breakups.

 

It's like she's living in a room inside my brain, a room I can't open and clean-out as she has the key.

Even 20+ years later, I can't get her out of my mind.

It was a time in my life I'd just as soon forget...

[Real Deal]

Bogs, on the insurance thing get her off of yours. Don't be an a$$ about it and give her a few weeks notice, but just tell her that you went ahead and did it and it will be effective as of "xx" date. This will sound like a super d*ck move but this is a business transaction at this point, just make it a friendly one. Not sayin be her friend, but just be civil and calm. Remember, as a man you are in control of your emotions. NO MATTER how she reacts you remain calm and centered. Good move on ending the text string, espcially if she initiated. MakeItCount had a great point about the missing you vs. attraction. HUGE difference. Granted, missing you can turn into attraction at some point but you need not worry yourself with that for now. The picture thing - I was divorced for 6 months and my ex had pics of her and I up still and was already seeing some other dude that was coming to the house. It means nothing so don't read into it. Unless she says "I messed up, blah, blah, blah" everything else has not meaning. The sooner you stop reading into stuff the faster you will have your power back.

[sfindependent]

Thanks Real. I will do that as soon as possible. But right now, I'll do NC. I mean, solid NC. my goal is 2-3months, or however long it is to get over her. Finding me and what I need to do to get out of feeling like this is more important than the insurance, the car, the garage and my little knick knacks.

 

I've been carrying this burden long enough and it's consuming me. I hate that. I am messing up at work, i'm messing up my chances of reconciliation by staying LC/NIC/nonchalant, i'm neglecting the rest of the more important things in my life. It sucks, I see myself from a distance when im with my friends or when i'm by myself and i'm not really acting upon my feelings actively, but i can tell, it's not a pretty sight. I'm zoned out, i'm distractable and I'm NOT being myself. i am . I am weak still. We talked for a minute and despite me trying to be strong, i faltered. It ended up we both agreed that it's not a good idea to be hanging out or talking for a while. she mentioned something about picking up my coffee mugs, my knives and my linen. i prodded and she told me she had plans about going to some "pimp and ho's" party at her local bar that night. I ended the convo with "thanks for letting me get S*it off my chest" and that was it.

 

I went to her house (she wasn't there) to pick up my stuff while she was out buying costumes for the party. There were signs she had a party sometime with her new friends probably after getting kicked out of the bar due to last call. There was liquor everywhere. she made an effort to clean up but that's irrelevant. I took some stuff that she boxed up, but wasn't able to get the kitchen stuff and move it to the garage. Looking back now I shouldve done that but screw it. there were condoms and lube on the bed sidetable (dunno if it were hers or if i left them there. we have a habit of leaving a messy bedside). There was also a beer on my side of the bed. Strangely i'm feeling more ok with that right now since if i was in her position, i'd do the same thing too. I'd FTOW, throw parties etc etc. I sent her a text when I left. I said "Got most of the stuff out, left the kitchen stuff since i didn't have room for the kitchen stuff. Put it in the garage if you want" and that was it. No replies and I don't intend to send anything back explaining anything of how why i didn't put stuff in the garage, still left some stuff at home etc etc. My priority is myself and improving myself from this broken hearted shell. I am a man, dammit. I should act like one. I feel like an idiot, used, misled and i feel like right now, she looks at me from a "pity" standpoint. My latest limited contact with her didn't prove i was a strong confident man who can win anyone's heart.

 

I am confident i need to go NC. NOW. I probably won't work on the car for a while. First thing i need to do is get ME together. What she thinks/does/feels whether its about me or her own life, i have no control. If she wants to throw my stuff away, they're material things that I don't need in my new life now.

 

Yesterday after that revealing encounter, me and my buddy went to Ikea to get some furnishings for my new room. we built it and got done by 11. Went out to have a few rounds, tried to get my mind off of her (which I just sulked in the corner, silently grieving) played a round of pool and just went home. I dreamt of her saying "we've tried this before and it just won't work". Ugh. I went to work extra early today and I'm making an extra effort NOT to dwell about her.

 

I need to regain my confidence and my positive outlook on life and learn from this.

 

I'm going to the dentist this week to get my teeth done. its a slow process but i'm on the way of getting braces. i want a different look, a cleaner appearance for whoever i might meet. I tossed a lot of old clothes. LOTS of them, gave em to salvation army. If i need new clothes/items i can buy new ones. I'm changing my environment. I plan to live a minimalistic lifestyle. I only have my room and what's in it. I will control my life. Right now, i'm sheltering myself from majority of my support system. I know I should take advantage of that but I am tired of looking weak to everyone. I have 5different people I'm talking to about it but not much else. Pretty much radio silence.

 

I also took her off my social sites. As a matter of fact, i opened up my FB account back to public (including her) but i asked my buddy to change the password for me so i won't be temtped to log on FB and make a fool of myself. If she posts pics of her life such as "pimp and Ho's" parties, i won't see them and the 40 people we have in common will. I'm not going to look like i'm on a downward spiral.

 

As far as self improvement, i'm debating on seeing a therapist (if i can afford it) or attend some conferences on relationship improvements. In analyzing everything, i can see how and why she would have left me. there were things that I did as a partner that was selfish, inconsistent, weak and unreliable. I am not too self aware of my capacity to do these things and it's a personality downfall. I want to be a completely different person when i meet her again or be with someone new. New teeth, outlook, body and life in the city.

 

The break up has been painful. I am not going to deny the fact that even as i type right now, i have this sinking, gut wrenching, heartaching, feeling of loss and ego-shatter that i haven't had an appetite in a fwe weeks. I've been slowly losing my appetite, i am neglecting the most important thing out of all this. ME. I feel like i'm not myself, i have these obssessive, compulsive reactions that i know if M saw me, would look at me and ask "i was in love with this guy?". No. I am not that person. I have more pride than that. Someone said "is she a lesbian? cos right now you're acting like a girl and if she isn't, why is she going to date you?". Good point. Why would anyone date me at this point in my life? Depressed, needy, clingy and lonely.

 

Ever see 500 days of summer? I'm trying to continue to be at that point where i'm still keeling over the loss and her new life, but i'm also at the point of trying to find my own. The part where he starts to get out of his misery and live with the pain, but live nonetheless. My room is pretty sick, just needs cable, internet an iphone player/alarmclock and a bed frame and a ps3 and i'm set. the cable guy is coming over today to set my cable TV on and my internet box is coming in the mail by tuesday. In a way i can relate to that movie. I've always admired Gordon Levitt's style and look. We have the same frame so if i see something cool he wears or something. Anyway, i digress. I need to get out of my rut. fast.

 

I actually do not find the need to call/text her. But what i'm more hurt about is that she's living the life i wanted her to have, without me. I always told her "yeah, just live your life and i'll be back here supporting you" and she never did. Now she is. Maybe the fact she was in a committed relationship made her feel tied down. I don't know. But does it matter? No. We're not together.

 

My buddy told me "you're old. there's no point in waiting on someone to change for you and like the same things you like and live the same way you live. Get someone who already has that and will work with you to keep up that life." i realized, i suppose part of the relationship that failed was that we were trying to put a square peg through a round hole, forcing something that wasn't working. We were just too blind to see that. it's unfair for me to ask anyone to change who they are and unfair for them to do the same for me. I should learn to be more accepting of people's choices in life. i should live with this belief coursing through my veins.

 

i also need to be more loving. loving to the people who care about me. Right now is not the time to act upon this idea since i'm a bit too zoned out for other people but i need to learn that too. I am finding out now that i'm not a good listener. M asked me specifically to take the knives and whatnot and i didn't. I should've. But i didn't. That's a prime example of one of the things that frustrated her. I wasn't a good listener.

 

I also need to be more proactive, not reactive to life. I always talk about "buying a house" "going to school" but nothing really transpire out of my "wish list". I can see that as another thing to make my relationship fall.

 

I'm sure there's a bunch of things that went wrong, why would we break up if there wasn't, right? I'm trying not to blame myself for the fall of our relationship but i'm holding myself accountable for my part in it. I can only do but improve myself and learn from those mistakes. I'm trying not to make these improvements about her either ie "if i change, itll make her happy". Well, ok, i'd be lying if i said i didn't think this way. In the back of my mind it would be cool to be completely over her, reconnect with her in a more improved state of life, and then say "ha." But i'm far from that.

 

I'm sure you've seen the count of monte cristo... he came back years later, rich beyond his wildest dreams, and he used everything he had to invest on this devious plan to exact revenge on his enemies. he used his resources and that change to confuse his enemies, to manipulate them and make them go "oh, sh*t". I guess take the negative aspect of that movie out and you'll see that he took his time to change. and change he did. And no one. Not even the closest people he saw, did not recognzwe him at all. I won't be as drastic as him obviously (and you wont see me in a leotard suit anytime soon) but if i put in the time and the effort to move on and get my life back on track, it will show.

 

I need this forum to get through it. By typing, by asking for advice and encouragement along with the hundreds of other online sites, i should have enough in my arsenal to do things the right way. Now i'm NCing for sure and building upon that. radio silence. like a ghost. Pretend she's dead and pretend i died.

 

I hope this wave of "this is actually good" lasts longer and improves. I hate seeing myself in such a bad shape.

 

 

 

 

Anyway, i took a good long look at myself. Yes, after all the

[sfindependent]

oops... got cut off with my post, i just realized.

I'm taking a long hard look at myself and the opportunity i have right now. this is the time i can fix myself, to be a better person overall. To be aware how my actions play in relationships. I'm not sure yet of what to do. I'm thinking boxing, writing, focusing on the projects i have in my career. I can turn my position in my building right now into one of the more influential people in san francisco...Yes. I can. I can meet the mayor of sf, the niner's manager, UCSF top researchers, community leaders and the like. If i work hard enough, i can turn my building and my career upward.

 

it's in my fingertips and i can barely recognize it with this much chaos in my head. I've got more going for me, for pete's sake. i managed to lose two years of beer gut in 1month. it's almost literally flat. I just gotta sculpt it

 

Can you imagine what kind of people i will meet and see? Can you imagine the power and level of attraction i raise, with her or with someone else? How can i not see it, and be so influenced by something, if anything, that seems so insignificant now that i think about it?

 

Anyway, its going to take a lot of courage to finally be able to be ok with how things are for the time being. Her moving on, me being alone. It only means i have so much time to improve myself and cliche as it may sound, be the best i can be. But i need to heal. and waiting to heal sucks. Especially if i have something tying me back to her (my car).

 

I'm trying to swallow the fact that my ex girlfriend is sleeping around now with the first guy she met. I know it's nothing significant. even if it were, it's significant to her... NOT me. I have experiences that are significant to me and me alone. I shouldn't be worried about her or what she's doing. Whether or not she's doing well is none of my business, really. She can f*ck up as much as she want to hide her feelings away, hang with the wrong crowd, and mess up her life. It doesn't matter, really. If she wants to lead her life that way, she can. between the two of us, i've a better chance of improving my life with the opportunities i have right now than her. She's tied to her self image problem, her hang ups and this latest BU with me. I have the real power. the power to transform myself

 

The biggest thing i hate about this is i gave her the power of the relationship, especially after the break up. Much to the wonderful people of ENA. I hate that i look and feel like an idiot who got uninvited to the party of a life time. I hate the fact that I keep thinking that I messed up my self respect and can't get it back anymore. But you know, i'm thinking to myself I can regain that. The day that she would hear my name on the 7oclock news and see me working on my car shirtless will be priceless. She can look hot as she wants and be with her new man. But in reality, i should feel like i'm the winner in this situation.

 

Onward, and forward.

[Real Deal]

Make no mistake it about it - the condoms and all that other stuff were left there on purpose. My ex used to do things like play the messages on her answering machine when I would pick up the kids and there would be some random dudes leaving her messages. Mutual friend thing sucks (if they used to be people you used to hang with). Forget them. People feel the need to pick a side and many of mine picked my ex because she still worked with most of them and I had just switched jobs when we split. Who cares?

 

On going back to school and all that crap - DO IT! Stop making excuses and build a life for yourself that you love with or without her or any other woman in it. If you do so I promise you that you will NEVER have trouble with a woman again the rest of your life. Will things be perfect always? No! But you will have so many great aspects of your life that if a relationship/marriage goes south it will not destroy you because you will have so many other things to focus on. You wanna know how to be the man of a woman's dreams (or a bunch of them)? Be the man of your own dreams. EVERYTHING else will fall into place if you deeply feel that you are actively living or pursuing your purpose in life. Until you do this your life will be lacking in many ways, to include your relationships with women.

 

A man is a leader and does what he wants with his life and takes his own direction, even if there isn't anybody that follows. This is all the stuff I was talking about last week about a purpose and passions in life. The women will follow. Will you get every single woman you want? No, but you will not notice at all. Trust me on this.

 

Get to work my friend!

[sfindependent]

Real,

 

as much as I rant and rave and wax and wane with what's going on with my life, i am somewhat inspired by what i can achieve here in the city and for myself. I believe that I can turn my life around and be an amazing lover. I just need to get my act together and regain focus. tonight i'm coming home to a nice apartment. It's cleaner (still lots of boxes that has little memories of her but i'll get to that), it's a bit "pimpier". although i have to admit, i hung up two paintings... one that she made for me and one i made for her. It's cool, i like it and it looks good on my walls. I really don't see the association with her and the paintings. Only thing that brings back the memories strangely is her handwriting. The little notes she sent me, the knick knacks she made for me. Oh well, you know, the right woman will do just the same and probably even more. If it's her, it's her. If it's not, hell.. why not?

 

I can't wait to get my @ss out and do my job the right way. As i said, i gave my FB password to my really good buddy and he changed the password for me... He reminded me "do you see M going to church with you (i'm not a devout catholic but she's literally repulsed by my religion)?" "no, she hates my religion" he said "it's your fundamental core belief. you may not follow it religiously, but the days that you do, wouldn't it be unfair for her and you to force that issue upon each other? Even more, wouldn't you just want someone who is already ready for that?". Hit a core, but it is a painful truth.

 

Onward and Forward, my friend.

[sfindependent]

Thank you for sharing two great years of love. Despite our bickering, our incompatibility and our misunderstanding, We tried to love each other the best we can, but our own issues got in the way, we made mistakes we cannot help making. In the end, something that could have been wonderful just turned unhealthy.

 

I would admit, this time apart has been definitely eye opening. As I said, i've take this time to sort myself out and in the process realized, how i've strayed so far from who I really was when I met you and the man that you kicked out of the car. I realize I consistently turned farther from the man you fell in love with and wanted to be with to someone uncaring. Both during the time we were together and when we finally broke up, I acted foolishly, careless, inconsiderate and irresponsible. When I did, I can understand why moving out when you weren't there hurt you. I can understand why you lost respect for me. I made promises i didn't keep, when i say i'll do things I didn't follow through doing. I was a bad listener; My word wasn't my honor; i detached myself to you and wasn't the supportive man you thought and needed me to be. In a way, i hated myself for who i have become for you. If I couldn't respect myself, how can i expect you to respect me? I'm very sorry for how I made you felt in the end.

 

I loved you but wasn't loving you in all the aspects you needed to be loved. But by the end, I was giving you love in all the wrong directions. But i've always wanted you to be truly happy when we were together. I was too into myself to realize that as much as I pointed out what was wrong with you, there were also a lot of wrongs with me.

 

I know there were a lot of things i did and said about you to you,with my perception of your faults and how I threw my frustrations towards you; that could've pushed you away and I'm sorry for that. I really am. It was all born under the feelings that I seemed to have lost a grip of who i was to you and who i was for myself. In a way i hated both of us to having fallen so far from the people we were before; the two people that found so many reasons to love one another in the beginning. I loved you and who you were when we met ever since the beginning I knew I wanted to be with such a wonderful woman. I appreciated you for who you were and honestly, not how we've become.

 

I'm not saying you're perfect. You made me upset, confused, disappointed and misled at times too. Frustrated mostly. But i really, truly forgive you for how you made me feel.

 

I've always forgiven you, for everything little thing that made me upset. For hurting me at times, for making me feel the way i did when we were together. I do not appreciate it some of the things you've said or have done to me, but I was not harboring any feelings of anger towards you when we spoke before you left for NY. Some of the things I do not understand about you or why you say or behaved when you did, i choose to accept. That is who you are, how you felt and really, I care about you through and through. I do not resent you for what i perceived were your shortcomings. Although I made it a point to point them out, it was unfair of me to try and change you to become someone you weren't. I never intentionally wanted to hurt you nor wanted you to change yourself into something you're not. I loved you genuinely and I forgot how to show it, even with a gesture as simple as accepting you for who you are. Because I do. I love you and your imperfections. i always have. I'm sorry I did not show it.

 

I've said and done a lot of things when we broke up. I said and did a lot of inconsiderate things I didn't mean, yet said and did. I admit I felt the world cave in when we broke up. But so far, i'm doing better than before. I'm sure you are too, especially with the new friends you've met. You've always wanted your own friends and i'm glad you found new meaningful friends in such as short time. I'm sure they're quality people who make you truly happy in life.

 

I said I wanted to be friends with you, but in honesty i want to be more than friends with you, but with a good foundation of friendship. I know, it's a bit confusing and a bit daunting. Us, friends? I want to have another try with you, something more meaningful than what we had before, something healthy. We're not on the same page and I acknowledge that. We agreed that it wasn't a good idea, and I respect you for telling me how you felt, and thank you for hearing mine.

 

I do not expect you to understand me, nor do i expect you to act upon any feelings you have left for me after how things ultimately ended between us. Christmas, New Year, my birthday, the way i yelled at you in the car the last time we went out to SF. for my part, i couldv'e made things a bit better if i was a bit more aware of my actions, as a man.

 

I miss you. I really do.

 

The night i spent in jail was a wake up call. I wasn't happy with my life and i had been blaming everything and everyone for a lot of it. I somehow lost my way and forgot all the ideals and morals i stood for, all the responsibilities as a man that i had to uphold went out the window one by one. To put into perspective with something as simple as keeping my phone in my pocket while we have a nice dinner, i disregarded its rudeness and went about my selfish way. I focused my energy on something else other than respecting and appreciating you. I said the right words, but failed to follow through with what i say and I understand why you felt the way you did for me in the end.

 

You wondered why, of all the times i had to do everything you needed me to do, i did when we broke up. i realized that being who i turned into, can miss out on something so wonderful as love. I cannot be loving without truly acting love. Not "in love" but, LOVE. And loving you was a wonderful thing. I cannot be that man undone.

 

As you know, i've got the orthodontist appointment to put braces on, I'm finally getting my teeth done! I'm happy about that. It'll be expensive but it will be worth it.

I've been working out and running religiously since we broke up. I hate that my body personified how i took care of myself and you.

I'm reading a lot of the ebooks i used to read to remind me of who i was before. good manners, etiquette, loving the people that mean to me.

I've had S take away my FB profile. I am on hiatus until i've found the discipline to regain my focus on the actual real people that really matter. Not virtual ones.

The biggest thing is i've scheduled to see a therapist. I want to be able to rethink my plans in life. I've lost focus on the little things that mattered to me in life it's ridiculous. I used to be active with my family, purposeful with my work, and passionate with my love to love. I want to be responsive, responsible and caring; by knowing who i am and what my role in any relationship is, i want to learn how to properly listen to the people i care about without having them drown in my self centered opinions.

 

I want to be a better man, to whomever I choose to love next.

 

Happy Valentines day.

[sfindependent]

i want to send her this, so bad.

 

But i don't know. We're not talking anymore and we both agreed NC, but the heartfelt content of my coming of realization i think is sincere. I don't know what will happen if i do send it. I'm not sure how i'd feel. I feel this is giving too much heart to someone who doesn't feel the same way for me. But i'm sure there's love there somewhere. I'm sure she'll cry if and when she reads this. I'm not sure why i want to send this but right now, i'm not myself to appear confident. I'm not sure she'd appreciate someone who's confessing so much about his life to her right now. I don't know. I am just glad i got to put my thoughts down.

 

But i did schedule a therapist for me to see. I think that it'll be helpful for me to not only realize my problems, but also realize my potential to become a loving human being.