i'm such a wreck right now. Help.Nonchalance fail.

[sfindependent]

btw dramallama, i love your sig makes me feel i'm getting quality advice if you want to give my situation to someone else. for real.

 

anywho, i know i JUST said something about NC. But i'm really fighting the urge to explain myself further to her why i need to go NC, but i won't. i need to be consistent with what i'm telling her. I need her to respect me for being able to do NC when i say i'm going to do NC.

 

in my text/convo with her did i word it the right way? I feel now that i'm becoming paranoid (hey, i'm being honest) about what i said if i took my b*lls back and have the upper hand by saying "I need space to get over you and move on" and "i will call you in a few days". i acknowledged our relationship by saying "im sorry it didn't work out between us" and acknowledged respect for her feelings by saying so as well.

 

anyone think about any of this? Real Deal, did i finally take the "lead" on this one?

[anthony4]

you are so being honest here. I for one, respect you for that. but.... "maybe we can hang in a few days" cmon, man. you are a smart guy, said it before intelligent, educated, have 2 cars? 2 cars? ( * * * , i practically idolize you for that fact alone and i'm old enough to be your father) point is, it sounds like you have the world in your fingers. And you are still giving her hope. knock it off knucklehead. (i'd say it the same to one of my sons) If she really thinks the sun shines out your *** she will wait for you/be there when time has put things in some different perspective. BTW don't explain NC, i hadn't even heard of it until i found this forum. To those who don't know, or deserve to know, it can be a secret weapon of sorts. just my opinion. If I can do it, so can you. We're all in this together. peace, and man hugs

[sfindependent]

HA! man hugs to you too.

 

I know, man. The world is on my finger tips. I keep telling myself, "what did this woman do to me that anyother woman can't?"

 

Ladies, you know I love you, all so pardon this comment... but it's my chance to have more P**n now that i'm 31, single, eduamacated, great job (2 jobs that love me, for that matter) and in the best city in the world. She's the one who lost me. Not the other way around! ugh, i suppose part of it is the part of being rejected. I mean, i have all these and more! I did love her, showed her that (might have been selfish in someways, but i admitted that it needed to change) and didn't cheat on her! i involved her with my family, friends, work etc.and i tried my best to make sure i'm inviolved with her...

 

in hindsight, it is about the rejection. I guess in the back of my mind, i KNOW im better off without her. but being tht the relationshop is still fresh, i cannot think of nothing but the goodtimes that we had and the POTENTIAL (not the real thing) of what we could have had. Maybe she's more clear headed than i thought she was and maybe this is the right thing for us (to break up), but the bottom line as Dramallama pointed out, she dumped me and it is (as much awesome things i have going on for me) a big blow to my ego.

 

i think my next plan is to save up and buy a real car. get my credit straight and work out.

 

i know i'm not going to call her in a few days, i'll contact her when i'm ready to contact her. no drunk texts, no embarrassing/degrading communication that will set me back to my plan of gaining my own self respect back. maybe this will build anticipation? I don't know.

 

i literally packed up most of mythings and jetted outta there. I told her i respected her feelings of how she felt about me and wanted to give her space as well.

 

i didn't explain NC. I just told her i needed some space. i've turned into someone i'm not, i've realized my mistakes, and want to change that for myself or for whoever i wanted to be with.

 

i'm sure she'll contact me if i don't contact her for a few days. she's going to ask me about my stuff that's in her house. To that i'll see how i feel about responding to her.

 

I know she's going to get hammered at the super bowl party at the local bar where she met the guy she said she thought was attractive (long story, it's back there along with older posts somewhere) and who knows, she might hook up with him, date him etc etc. I slipped and told her when i was needing time off that i still feel that i am cheating on her if i start talking to a girl right now. but i digress... i cannot be and WILL NOT be a chump and wait for her at home while she talks or f*cks another guy from the bar. right now talking and f*cking are pretty much the same thing in my book when it comes to her. it's NONE of my business whatsoever. i don't want to know. Frankly, her seeing that guy made me cringe and disgusted. granted we were broken up and she said it was "nothing" she lied to me about meeting him at the bar

[sfindependent]

nc is the

the best thing right?!?!

[dramallama]

bogswagen - yes. Read the guide to NC and you'll be re-assured that it's the best thing. People only appreciate something when they've lost it, and your ex not only lost you, she told you to get lost! I'm a bit unnerved by the contacting her in a few days. I know it's what YOU want, but it's not enough time for her to cool off. It would have been WAY more non-chalant that if you told her you're still willing to work things out but still respect her decision if that's what she wants, then wished her luck...

[MakeItCount]

nc is the

the best thing right?!?!

 

Yes it is. I've made a lot of progress in the last couple of months. It's more and more becoming about me. Keep it going man, seriously, you need a couple of months at least apart. I know it's a long ass time in the state you're in - but it does get easier.

 

When my ex and I broke up, 2 weeks felt like 2 years. But as time progressed it got easier and easier not to check my phone and to not contact her. Just keep it going. EVerytime you want to contact her, call a buddy or post on here. We'll always be around to keep you on the right path.

 

Good luck.

[Real Deal]

NC is a step in the entire process of moving on. If you view it as a punishment to her you will only punish yourself. If you feel guilty for doing it you will only punish yoursellf. Do not let her make you feel guilty or be weak. If you slip up do not get too down on yourself. I view NC as this - do NC until you feel you get yourself in the state that when you speak to her/see her that nothing she says or does can affect you. If she is angry and tries to argue, you don't take the bait. If she throws herself at you and wants sex you will be strong enough to say no. If she talks about some guy she is seeing or you see her with one you do not feel like someone punched you in the gut (this is the hardest one). Does this make sense? So many guys on here talk about how hard NC is and they don't even have kids with their ex. It's total BS. The other exception would be if you work together and side-by-side. Outside of that you should consider yourself LUCKY that you can do 100% NC. It is for YOU and has nothing to do with her, period. Good luck man!

[askltk]

Stumbled accross this thread from Drama's SIG, and reading Real's post had me there an then. I've read your story from then, and it's been genuinely inspiring to hear the support, and at times direct, advice that people like Real / Drama / Make it Count have posted. I will take what I can, as I'm sure you have.

 

Good luck to you man, seriously sounds like your setting yourself up for positivity.

[sfindependent]

yeah a big part of why i moved and want to do Nc is due to me not wanting to see her start dating or her moving on. i think she's got greater convictions than i do when it comes to moving on. i think shes stronger to resist calling, to start dating,to start moving on. yes ill be posting on here.... expect that! my buddy took me out to yhe sf exploratorium after dark... i wished all night that me and michelle couldve gone there... my brain just keeps goingback to thinking bout her...

 

breaking up was her decision. yes i told her that i want to work things out and she knows how i feel about her. but shes maintained her conviction and just ignored me. i didnt plead but i did try to rationalize and convince.ugh.

[askltk]

At the time of the break up - I did everything wrong. I pleaded / I begged / I promised I'd change. Even thinking about it now, I feel ashamed. But, on a positive side, I knew I'd reached rock bottom and look back at that and say "that's not me - I want to get "me" back". Not for her, but for myself and future relationships.

 

I too have done well for myself, but it has taken friends and families to convince me that she's losing out. And now, although we still talk (though after todays findings, for how much longer I dont know..) I know I'm moving on.

 

Please keep it posted, it really is a fascinating read.

[sfindependent]

did i write my farewell im nc'ing well?

[sfindependent]

At the time of the break up - I did everything wrong. I pleaded / I begged / I promised I'd change. Even thinking about it now, I feel ashamed. But, on a positive side, I knew I'd reached rock bottom and look back at that and say "that's not me - I want to get "me" back". Not for her, but for myself and future relationships.

 

I too have done well for myself, but it has taken friends and families to convince me that she's losing out. And now, although we still talk (though after todays findings, for how much longer I dont know..) I know I'm moving on.

 

Please keep it posted, it really is a fascinating read.

 

what happened today?

[askltk]

I read your thread today! Ha Really has opened my eyes to things, especially with what Real has been saying.

 

He commented on my thread earlier, and in one paragraph basically summed up where I was with my Ex. And it didn't make great reading if I'm honest! It maybe that it's a real outsiders view, but I can get where he is coming from.

[Real Deal]

1. ask - we are all in this together man. Having been through mine and having clarity now is the only thing that allows this. Sometimes us guys have to give each other a poke in the eye to help each other out. It's the name of the game. Trust me, I still beat myself up a little over the mistakes I made, but I deal with it easily because I no longer want my ex back and I am in a great place now, so it worked to my advantage that I F'd things up (hooking up with her too soon after she showed that she wanted me back). This is something I want to help guys try to avoid. If any woman is worth it she will be willing to wait until YOU are ready. Funny thing is my life is great now and my ex is bitter at me about it because I moved on (not just with another person but that too...haha). Something else that drives her crazy is she is with someone else and I am 100% unaffected by it - hell, I am actually happy for her, but somehow many women that are the dumper end up getting all narcissistic on us..LOL

[MakeItCount]

Something else that drives her crazy is she is with someone else and I am 100% unaffected by it - hell, I am actually happy for her, but somehow many women that are the dumper end up getting all narcissistic on us..LOL

 

I can't wait to shake the new guy's hand when I see him

[Real Deal]

It's even better if you give him the one arm "man hug" like when you shake hands. Likely over the top but everyone would be like * * * ? That is a cool a$$ dude...LMAO.

 

Speaking of which - every guy on here should watch 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall' if you have not done so. It is hilarious but there are so many true things in it. The jealousy thing is shockingly true that even if your ex has another dude that once you get someone else they flip. haha.

[sfindependent]

At the time of the break up - I did everything wrong. I pleaded / I begged / I promised I'd change. Even thinking about it now, I feel ashamed. But, on a positive side, I knew I'd reached rock bottom and look back at that and say "that's not me - I want to get "me" back". Not for her, but for myself and future relationships.

 

I too have done well for myself, but it has taken friends and families to convince me that she's losing out. And now, although we still talk (though after todays findings, for how much longer I dont know..) I know I'm moving on.

 

Please keep it posted, it really is a fascinating read.

 

thanks. it wouldnt be if Real, Drama or any of the folks who've been helping me through this.

 

I went to the Exploratorium last night for drinks. They (along with SF Academy of Sciences and the De Young Museum) hold events on certain nights of the month that do not allow kids and serve alcohol. It was pretty sick. All through out the night I kept on thinking how she would have fun there. It was right up her alley and it wouldhave been a great "romantic" night if things were going well between us.

 

But it's not. It's day one of NC and i literally KNOW we would have to talk in a few weeks. I just have to be prepared for anything she has to say (i'm dating someone already, i'm not into you, getout of my life comepletely, my lief is better without you etc etc). I'm pretty sure i can speak for the whole ENA world when I say I wish we can read what our ex or our current SO's are thinking. I wish we can have that right combination of words that would bring them back or do the right things all over again.

 

If anyone is curious, neither of us cheated nor did we have an abusive relationship. No hitting each other no nothing. I'm beginning to see where I went wrong as far as trying to impose my beliefs (NOT Religion but just you know, what would be fun etc) on her. But i can't say she tried to either. She was submissive and yet, she repressed what was wrong with our relationship for the longest time and didnt discuss it with me (she admitted that too) and ultimately turned it into reasons why we shouldn't be together (we're not compatible we're too different, to which i said , no we're not. we worked together for two years. Its just we didn't do anything about what was good, what was bad etc). She did say "you've treated me so well, you're the perfect guy for me and i don't know why i'm not attracted to you" and " you did try to make me happy". I asked her multiple times during the relationship to "fix it" and find out what she might want to do and she would say "i don't know". she mentioned me smoking but i never gave an indication that I would quit. Until after we broke up

 

in regards with the changes i'm making for myself (losing weight, smoking etc) she still hates it to this day and believes i'm moving on. She's mentioned several times while she cried saying why didn't i do these changes when we were together?

 

AS far as our life together... we had a lot of fun but sometimes i felt that we were just... there. I wanted to go hiking on certain occassions, i wanted to do walks with her, i wanted to get out of our town and drive to the next town over. there was always an excuse for us to just stay stagnant. "it's cold" "it's far" or something along those lines. I wanted a change of pace as to what we were occasionally doing and she just wanted to lay in bed with me or just cuddle in the couch to watch the football game on a sunday morning. i didn't mind doing that on certain occassions but i did want to get out sometimes and i never did because i'd feel bad leaving her at home.

 

I'm still trying to rationalize in my brain a lot things: why i'm still hung up on her, why am i thinking of the coulda woulda shoulda, and just plain miss spending time with her. I mean i love the woman! i'm still tryng to tell myself to move on and just get away from her.

 

When i moved, when i changed my status on fb, when i hurriedly came in the house and left, when i told her i needed space and need NC... these actions make ME look like i'm the one dumping her. I'm turning the tables around. In fact, i'm short of saying "i'm dumping you and i'm over you" but that would mean i'd be lying and i don't like that.

 

I wonder how she's feeling right now that i've done all these? How does it affect the chance of reconciliation?

 

ugh. i KNOW i gotta move on. I KNOW there's a million other women there, a million other things i can do besides focus my energy on her or any woman... i just need to get it going.

[MakeItCount]

It doesn't matter what she thinks man. This is for YOU and YOU only. Sometimes it takes something like this to kick our asses into gear. Keep doing what you're doing, don't stress about what she thinks. Seriously. In a couple of months if you keep this going you'll be in great shape and a great mind state.

 

I had the same experience as you, she lost attraction. Whatever. Keep in mind that you treated her well, that's all that matters. That will always be a measuring stick for other guys, and most will come up short. People like us are rare, in that we can be trusted, no infidelity etc. Keep doing what you're doing man, you're doing well. It's only natural to feel this way and analyze everything, to miss them when we're out. I am the same way - I'll go out and have fun and end up thinking it would've been great for her to be here. But she's not, so I'm enjoying it for myself.

[sfindependent]

makeitcount.

 

it's funny. She knows I never cheated on her, but i did with all my other gfs. she knows that.

 

I think it will be a good measuring stick. I mean, i'm confident that she'll realized how well, despite our arguments I treated her. She knew that even when we broke up.

 

had the same experience as you, she lost attraction. Whatever. Keep in mind that you treated her well, that's all that matters. That will always be a measuring stick for other guys, and most will come up short. People like us are rare, in that we can be trusted, no infidelity etc. Keep doing what you're doing man, you're doing well. It's only natural to feel this way and analyze everything, to miss them when we're out. I am the same way - I'll go out and have fun and end up thinking it would've been great for her to be here. But she's not, so I'm enjoying it for myself.

 

it's such a BS crap out. I mean, it's like "oh its gone" and i'm like "why didnt you tell me you were starting to feel this way? We could've done something about it!" She said she ignored the feelings and hoped it would go away. rather than worked together and instead, it grew even more as the months went by... she always kept me at an arm length when it came to her feelings. She's introverted when it comes to partying she's the life of the it, drinking like a fish and acting goofy like what frat boys do. But when the real life needs to be addressed, she's pretty complacent/nonchalant about where she would want to end up. I kept on telling her "we need a plan" and she insisted "let's just take this day by day". I am 31, and i cannot live my life "without a plan". I was including her in it and now that i think about it, she didn't want to be part of mine, simply said.

[MakeItCount]

Yep, they wait and wait 'till it's too late. We tried to reignite it and it was working, then she gave up. Silly girl, expected no effort to fix things. Like I said, whatever. I'm getting stronger by the day. I can't wait for the day where I wake up and go 'holy crap I feel amazing'. It's like the day of reckoning, where it stops consuming your thoughts, and it's going to be the best feeling in the world.

 

You'll get there too. As gallop puts it (so eloquently, may I add)...it's just a girl!

[sfindependent]

i know. Man i used to be such a effin cool cat. I still am, but i got swallowed by a relationship that was going nowhere. we dated for two years and no plan whatsoever. i told her in one of my rants when we broke up was that if ever we're to be anything i couldn't do it without a plan. we did it her way by not having a definitive approach and it just did not work.

 

i'm not sure if i should be dating right now. In some ways i think i need to get out there just because I need to see the world has other women of a different calibre than her (i couldn't say "far better than her", just yet). what was that? F.T.O.W.? F*ck ten other women? hahahah. love it.

 

But on the otherhand, my brain is somewhere else that if i do go out on several dates she won't enjoy MY company. oh well. We'll see how it goes.

 

what's the point of getting back together you're the only one who wants to be back, right? That will be a lonely clown car.

[Real Deal]

F.T.O.W. : it took me getting to #5 before I realized that my ex did not deserve to be up on the pedestal that I had put her on. I say this not to sound cool or like a player or anything because I'm not (don't wanna be). The whole point is there is no such thing as 'soul mates' or 'the one and only'. That is our scarcity mindset that takes over and that we will never feel that way about anyone again - nonsense! Society has us (and women) programmed to believe that to sell diamonds and valentine’s day cards. I say this not to sound callused or bitter and I do believe in true love and having meaningful and committed relationships, but the sooner that we realize this and live our lives as such the better our relationships will be. It gives us so much emotional freedom to allow a woman to do her own thing and be secure in the fact that she loves you and is really into you and we don't act from a fear based mindset of 'what if she leaves me?'. Think about it gents…..

 

BTW - like the "it's just a girl" thing...

[anthony4]

Glad you're hangin' with a plan. To be honest, i don't know how easy it would be for me if my ex was contacting/staying in touch the way yours had. That had to make NC for you much harder. KUDOS! I'm doing NC because she gave me nothing to hold on to, and I really need to keep believing she's just not right for me.

[sfindependent]

Glad you're hangin' with a plan. To be honest, i don't know how easy it would be for me if my ex was contacting/staying in touch the way yours had. That had to make NC for you much harder. KUDOS! I'm doing NC because she gave me nothing to hold on to, and I really need to keep believing she's just not right for me.

 

NO WOMAN is right for any man. that's why they invented the words "tolerate" and "compromise" lol.

 

i initiated NC yesterday with her, and prior to that it was LC/nonchalance. prior to that we were living together for another 2-3weeks before i moved out. I don't think she knows one of the reasons I left was because of that guy she met at the bar. she ruined my trust for her.

 

I really think and she called me out on this that i was the female in the relationship. from being sweet, to being thoughtful to being needy to ugh. everything, i suppose. I was a man for her when she needed support in every aspect, and the way I assured her I am someone who wanted to have a good future for the both of us.

 

scr3w it. i just need to get over this "humP". she's not mine. she can do whatever and whoever she wants. right now that's what i'm trying to prepare myself for... is when she starts seeing someone...

[sfindependent]

you know, i wouldn't be surprised if she's feeling a lack of purpose right now. She's quit her master's program, just found a so-so job. lost her support system (me) and has no friends (and the friends that she has aren't the greatest ones... a couple with a very dysfunctional relationship). her mom loves me, and i'm pretty confident she's feeling like, despite her "dumping" me, she's the one who lost a lot of things. and the swift way I moved out and told her how i needed to get over her, i'm now really feeling that I'm the one who dumped her. Shoot, i'm still paying (not for long) her medical/dental insurance through my work.

 

I feel like I've the "power" here, like i said sure, single men would love to be with her. but you know, married men would also kill to be in my position right now.

 

off topic. I'm calling the dentist as we speak. i want to get braces. lol