sfindependent Posted February 4, 2011 Author Share Posted February 4, 2011 faksdfhkjhfd... ok, you have fellas have to give me credit here. this is only day one of FULL NC. i've not given up just yet. But weekends were our thing. We went out, partied, etc. Well today's friday and i KNOW she's going to the local bar i hate where the guy is there. I want her to knw that the push for me to move was that she lied to me about meeting him. That I couldn't stand the thought of her seeing another man. She said she found him attractive but did not want to date him. Ugh. I wonder if she's in as much anxiety as I am in right now? I know it doesn't matter but what do women usually think of in these situations? She said to me the other day "of course i'm upset i loved you for two years and you _______ (i forgot what she really verbatim said but i think it was along the lines of me moving out and us breaking up). She further also mentioned someother time that she did not wish to date anyone right now. So superbowl is this sunday. I'm sure she's going to be drinking again at that bar with her new found friends and it bothers the s*it out of me. I've got better quality of friends whom i'll be hanging out with, friends who loved her for me. They are all professional, some are married, some established. They do not spend their entire weekends at the bars like we used to when we were together. I can use their positive influence right now. These are the people who i know may NOT take a bullet for me, but instead wouldn't even place me in a situation where bullets will be fired. we planned on being at my (ours when we were together) friends' house this weekend but given the change that people KNOW that we're BU'd, i doubt it if she will go. I will not invite her either. I've been thinking about the goodtimes that we had done together and the life we shared. It was fun. But more importantly, i'm sure she's thinking about that too, she was there with me hahah. but it reallys is sad that something so good could have been even better if we just worked on it. pah. i wonder what she'll do with my stuff? i told her a while back to put it in the garage. as i said, i'm still paying for her insurance so i suppose it's a good payment. luckily i don't need to go inside the house to get in the garage... its a separate unit. I'm sorry if this became a rant thread. I'm just a little anxious right now... i read somewhere here about letting go, from a dumper's perspective. How they are sorry for feeling the way they feel, but in no way is she interested in coming back. It made me sad. It made me realize that these games i played the LC, the nonchalance, the push pull... i was the only one playing this game. She's gone. I need to accept that. I need to accept the fact that she is never going to return. I feel empty right now. Yes, i know that we shouldn't feel like the woman was my whole world nor should i place her on a pedestal. But she did fill a big part of my heart. I was genuinely excited about having a future with this woman, and now love is gone. the love for our relationship is gone. Sure, i am 100% confident that she's missing me right now, and will probably miss me for the next few days, months or even years. But it's not the romantic "miss" that you feel for your SO. Its just missing someone who played an important part in your life. Despite me trying to be the perfect lover for her, i wasn't. I wasn't near perfect. But I d@mn well tried to be. Motions.. these are just emotions in motion. I will be ok. I'm fighting of the urge to text her. I'm fighting the urge to stoop lower to what she wants rather than what I want... but i won't. I'm sure she's contemplating what contributed to our BU as well. Some lucky woman would get this studmuffin. Link to comment
anthony4 Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 in the last 22 months, i have spent maybe 5 Friday nights alone. tonite being the second in a row. not alone because i'm depressed, just alone. wondering only a little what she is doing. only reason i may consider going out later is the damn cat is in heat. few things are more annoying. hang in there buddy Link to comment
sfindependent Posted February 5, 2011 Author Share Posted February 5, 2011 in the last 22 months, i have spent maybe 5 Friday nights alone. tonite being the second in a row. not alone because i'm depressed, just alone. wondering only a little what she is doing. only reason i may consider going out later is the damn cat is in heat. few things are more annoying. hang in there buddy ha. good for you, at least you have a cat. My new roommate is a paranoid 55 year old hippie who thinks i'll steal his junk. I'm missing her terribly right now. In my right head, i KNOW she's missing me too. I know that if i call her or ask her to meet up she will. But i'm also positive she's not going to say the words that I want to hear. Again, i do not want to be the chump. I do not want to be her "friend" while she cavorts with other men, which i doubt she will. I cannot be her friend. I know that when i do talk to her, I can not act as if things still bothers me. I cannot act like the past is still a big deal. a friendship cannot grow when i'm resenting her from the inside and expecting more than than a friendship from the get go. it's so tempting! I know where she lives, i know what time she's off, i know all these things about her... but then, what if she has the guy at home? what if she's out? what if she doesn't pick up? argh... I need to let go... jkfgkjdfhgksdfhgkshdfgh i can't believe i placed myself in this situation... again! i promised myself after my last ex that i won't get hurt again and DO the right things for my relationshps... eek. Link to comment
sfindependent Posted February 5, 2011 Author Share Posted February 5, 2011 why do i feel like i need to know the answers to questions I already know the answers to? she doesn't want me anymore. No, no no. Link to comment
MakeItCount Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Because you're bored. Go for a run or something. Link to comment
sfindependent Posted February 5, 2011 Author Share Posted February 5, 2011 i was just about to do that. Not going straight to the bar either. Lol Link to comment
MakeItCount Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 i was just about to do that. Not going straight to the bar either. Lol hahaha yeah probably not a good idea Link to comment
sfindependent Posted February 5, 2011 Author Share Posted February 5, 2011 its a slippery slope i have to avoid Link to comment
MakeItCount Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 its a slippery slope i have to avoid Running to the bar she's at would be like falling off a cliff, ain't no slope. Link to comment
sfindependent Posted February 5, 2011 Author Share Posted February 5, 2011 hahahaha i intentionally moved accross thebbay area to avoid her. i love the little town we lived in...i mean i love everything about it. my whole family lives there a lot of my friends and its just overall a lovely town filled with good memories. a few days before i went NC she told me that she wanted my stuff out by the end of the week. should i break NC to get my stuff? or wait until she calls? or do i just email her acknowledging of her request to have my stuff removed and tell her to just put it away where she feels comfortable? ill keep it nonhalant of course Link to comment
sfindependent Posted February 5, 2011 Author Share Posted February 5, 2011 first weekend without her. what did she do last night? what is she is doing tonight? who was she with? was she with that guy? will she be with that guy? Link to comment
Real Deal Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 You know the best way to conquer the 'other guy' thing? Don't try to block it out but think about it. I mean really think about her being with him, having a great time and them having sex. Once you do this you will realize that when it happens it is not the end of he world and it will not kill you. Basically it is looking your worst fear in the eye and accepting it. Acknowledge the fear - don't judge it, just acknowledge and accept it. You will see that the feelings of jealousy, anger and resentment have no real power over you and it will fade. It will have less and less control over you emotionally every time you do it. Trust me! Link to comment
smiffy Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 hi bogswagen i am in my first weekend without my ex,i saw her briefly last night,and i am missing her tonight,i would usually be with her on saturday nights,i know how you feel,i am sat here thinking "wonder what she is doing,who she is with,where she is" i want to go round and see her,to chat,but i know i must stay away,it is proving difficult tonight,but i know i must stay strong,we must,we need to stay in control of what we are thinking,and not be influenced by them,even when they are not there,its easier said than done,and i am struggling tonight,i have been reading threads on here,keeping myself busy. stay strong,keep in control. Link to comment
sfindependent Posted February 5, 2011 Author Share Posted February 5, 2011 dont u just want to confront her? be like who are these fiends u now have? i think i should just shoot her an email. im trying to makethe impression that i am actually really trying to change myself wholly, from physical to emotional to how i interact and respect people. how i listen to what she's saying. hey, i know u said u wanted some of my stuff gone by the end of the week. i wont be able to come out there for awhile and i just wanted you to know ive not forgotten about what i said when i said i can pick them up place them in the garage. ive some paintings that im trying to find a place to put them up but the damn hippie is too anal about hanging stuff that foesnt involve jerry garcia or flower power on it. take care. i probably wont send it but i still wanted you guy's opinion. i do want to make an impression tbat im trying to be more considerate of her feelings. she can ask her new friends (and that guy i have a feeling shes starting to see) to help her take the tv i left for her out wih my other stuff in the garAge. last i saw her and our pics they were still up our walls and it made me feel kinda nice. maybe she was just lazy or maybe she is holding on to so e guilt i dont know. what u think of the email? Link to comment
Imtheretoo Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 You know the best way to conquer the 'other guy' thing? Don't try to block it out but think about it. I mean really think about her being with him, having a great time and them having sex. Once you do this you will realize that when it happens it is not the end of he world and it will not kill you. Basically it is looking your worst fear in the eye and accepting it. Acknowledge the fear - don't judge it, just acknowledge and accept it. You will see that the feelings of jealousy, anger and resentment have no real power over you and it will fade. It will have less and less control over you emotionally every time you do it. Trust me! This actually makes quite a bit of sense, as I have experienced it first hand. Knowing she had already slept with someone made the entire situation somehow easier and there I was, still alright. It will make you feel terribly sad at first, even nauseated, but give it a week or two, it will begin to lose its effect on you. Link to comment
MakeItCount Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Bogs, do not send that! Let her contact you about getting your stuff out. When she does, go pick EVERYTHING up so you have no reason to contact her/her to contact you. Don't say anything about your hippie roommate, you should sound 100% happy with your new place. Stick to NC for your own sake. Link to comment
sfindependent Posted February 5, 2011 Author Share Posted February 5, 2011 sigh. want. to. get. 2nd chance. lol. seriously? one of the problems i had was tht i was forgetful. it took me our break up to take away the spiders from our front door. it took me 5 months to get it lol. so thus my "trying to change" outlook. consequences? Link to comment
Real Deal Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Bogs, do not send that! Let her contact you about getting your stuff out. When she does, go pick EVERYTHING up so you have no reason to contact her/her to contact you. Don't say anything about your hippie roommate, you should sound 100% happy with your new place. Stick to NC for your own sake. He's right. Contact her all you want to but just remember everytime that you do (regardless of the reason) makes it less likely you guys will get back together. Your call bro.... Link to comment
Real Deal Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 This actually makes quite a bit of sense, as I have experienced it first hand. Knowing she had already slept with someone made the entire situation somehow easier and there I was, still alright. It will make you feel terribly sad at first, even nauseated, but give it a week or two, it will begin to lose its effect on you. Facing it (or any of our other fears) gives them no power over us. Fear is not real. It is just an ego driven emotion that is deeply engrained in our subconcious belief system. The book 'Untethered Soul' is the best book I have ever read and addresses this exact thing. Do yourself a solid and read it. I'd given anything if I would have read something like that when I was your age (24). Link to comment
sfindependent Posted February 6, 2011 Author Share Posted February 6, 2011 yeah i know you're probably right. im just playing all the scenarios in my head and it doesnt really end well in most accounts. i know she misses me, i also know she's repressing all the unwanted feelings deep inside. i still up to now am offended by a lot of the things she said..."if i saw you at the club and danced i probably wouldnt have given you my number". ouch. that was a couple of weeks before we broke up. i knew we had problems and i thought her acknowledging how she felt was a good step into knowing how we can fix it. i was too blind o actually hear her saying "im not inlove with you anymore". ouch. face palm. i dont know if the love would ever return but if she's convinced/ convincing hersef right now that she can live without me and with these new people i have to respect that... she may just want to be alone as well and i can just her her space. i just hope im moving the right direction Link to comment
sfindependent Posted February 6, 2011 Author Share Posted February 6, 2011 how would they know that the only way u would ever come back is if you and them would try to fix it? Link to comment
MakeItCount Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 Look man, anything mean she says is straight out of her own insecurities and frustration, her own doubts. Don't give it in to it. I've said it before and I know I sound like a broken record, but keep doing what you're doing - you're doing great! Forget getting back together with her - if it's meant to be it will be. If she's upset with you making all these changes ,great! Let her be. That whole bullcrap about her saying "I wish you would've done this for me" is just her own doubts playing into it. She is thinking about how she might've screwed up. This is waht you want. Let her stew on it, let her realize her mistakes. Stay strong bro. You're doing all you can to make YOU a better person. I hope she's doing the same. My ex didn't, and I know she will suffer for it in the end. Keep going, keep venting! We'll keep you on the right path. Link to comment
Real Deal Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 Bogs - for the love of Christ, STOP making it all about her. You will drive yourself insane with this man, trust me. I know exactly what you are feeling and the longer you do this the worse you make it for getting her back - trust me! I can't explain it but that is just the way it works. Once YOU get to a place where YOU will be just fine without her she will want you back. What I mean is YOU will be the one that will decide what will happen. It is about being 100% fine with your life EXACTLY the way it is. In other words if you guys are together - fine. If you are not - fine. I know, we are taught that women want us to make them our everything in life and to *show* them how much we care. This is just not true. I am not talking about being a mean, a$$hole or jerk either but just being a man, period. With women or anything in life we MUST detach from the outcome. You can still want something and have a strong feeling or emotion to it but being detached gives that thing or person no power. If you learn to do this you will get EVERYTHING you want out of life - trust me. I have just recently learned this and started applying in and EVERY single area of my life that I have done it with is perfect, to include with my ex and all other women. Ignore the hateful stuff she has said. This is just her own insecurities manifesting and this is normal. I heard some BS out of my ex's piehole that I never thought I would hear. Sure, it can hurt but only if you dwell on it and let it have power. I highly doubt she is perfect so who says you would have wanted her number? Did you hear that sound? It was the pedestal you have her on falling down because you just kicked it out from under her. Own the sitch man!! Once when my ex started sniffing around again and we are hanging out she said "if you lived closer I would want to start seeing you again". My answer: "nah, you have too much baggage" . Of couse I said this in a playful way because I was referring to my own children that I love more than anything in the world but I was letting her know that it is NOT all about her. I really did/do feel this way too. She basically raped me about an hour after this and I made the mistake of letting it happen. Point is I got to a point where I could care 100% less of what she wanted at that point - total detachment! Link to comment
sfindependent Posted February 6, 2011 Author Share Posted February 6, 2011 thanks for the online slap in the face fellas, its only been day3 i think. so bear with my whiney-ness. im trying to push away the thoughts of her and its pretty difficult. its stomach wrenching to think (which im trying not to) that shes partying with new people whom ive never met... its my own insecurities coming to play, i know. i will stop thinking that way. i have been running like mad, and only drinking with dinner or give and take 2 drinks with a friend (no binge drinking) to relax. i literally dropped my beer belly in the couple of weeks ive been dealing with this. im kinda proud of myself when i looked at myself in the mirror, flexed my abs and saw a glimmer or two of abs! lol im pretty skinny 140lbs and 5'6 but i had a huge beer belly by the time we ended things. incidentally, she just texted me a picture of our puppy that we gave to my (since apparently all the people i know and met are just my friends only and not friends of hers) friend right now as i type. not yet ready for this s#!t right now. ive been as u know been thnking how i can open up getting my stuff out there. "cute. ill pick up my stuff someother time. thanks" im not going to text back. Link to comment
Mrs Popsicle Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 Bogwagen, you're doing great, and I will worry the day you are NOT on here whining (because you might be off whining to your ex!) NC is tough, but I think you're doing brilliantly-your reply to the puppy text was great (and I suspect she is trying to tug at your heartstrings) You have lots of progress to be proud of and lots to look forward to in the future, keep it up! Link to comment
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