i'm such a wreck right now. Help.Nonchalance fail.

[sfindependent]

Hey, send her this way! I think I'm in love (or lust).

 

 

oh my gad dude. I'm very tempted to send you a PM on how she looks like. But i don't want to count my chickens before the eggs hatch. She was a party girl but got burned out real quick from it so i think she's a responsible partier now, lol. I know she's only had one BF since HS and maybe one or two more that's none serious, if ever since i've known her lol...

 

that message from her was of interest huh?

[sfindependent]

NO ONE. I mean NO ONE can guess what goes on in women's heads.

I like what a wise philosopher once said to his older bro. on an old TV show:

"I'm never gonna get mixed-up with girls..."

 

hahah true. See that's here's an example. We agreed NC, then we gchat after two days (maybe because it's valentines, who knows), then goes through my photo app pics despite her not being my "friend" there. I suppose she's checking to see what and how i'm doing. I've taken a bunch of cool pics from different activities i do from the places i've been in already. No party pics, no other women pics, but definitely "i have a cool different life" pics. she liked one of the latest pics and then posted a comment on one.

 

I took her off as a friend there a while back and i'm kinda glad she's been nosing around my business. She mentioned one time we talked how I "post your life on FB, so i know you're planning on getting braces". so i guess she visits my FB page too. as i mentioned, i gave my password to my friend so i am not to see or post anything on FB for a while until I am completely fine seeing her in skimpy skirts and partying.

 

btw while i've disappeared from Fb and gchat, i can't stop her from seeing my pics on the photoapp. apparently it's on public forever. I don't have her feed so if she does post anything, i won't see it.I'd have to go and visit her page to see it and i've been good abut avoiding that temptation.

[ClarenceRutherford]

How can you tell when someone is just viewing your pics on FB?

I know leaving a comment shows that, but just viewing the pics?

I'd love to know.

 

I think one of my pics set-off an EX whose not a FB friend. (I have my pics publicly viewable).

[sfindependent]

How can you tell when someone is just viewing your pics on FB?

I know leaving a comment shows that, but just viewing the pics?

I'd love to know.

 

I think one of my pics set-off an EX whose not a FB friend. (I have my pics publicly viewable).

 

not the pic... i posted something on my wall saying "braces are 8k!!!" something like that, and she's still a friend. I've taken her feeds off to be honest with you. so i won't see her life at all. hers is on public profile as well even if i unfriend her, i'd still be able to see her wall. So i just gave up FB for the mean time. to be honest, it's not that bad.

[Real Deal]

not the pic... i posted something on my wall saying "braces are 8k!!!" something like that, and she's still a friend. I've taken her feeds off to be honest with you. so i won't see her life at all. hers is on public profile as well even if i unfriend her, i'd still be able to see her wall. So i just gave up FB for the mean time. to be honest, it's not that bad.

 

So you are changing the way you do things because of her? Not good. Granted, being "off the radar" can be good at times but just delete her and be done with it. Please tell me if you "unfriend" her you have the self-cotrol not to look at her wall. Anyone non-celeb that was their wall and photos public for non-friends has issues....haha.

 

Not to mention if you do keep her you can make it where she cannot see your wall too.

[sfindependent]

oh no. I'm not changing the ways i do. I love using that app. i still use it to this day. I like the pics i take.

 

FB and gchat, i mean, it's temptation. Obviously i've no self control from the way i've been contacting her despite the NC agreement. It's still fresh, my hopes are easily raised and i still go about thinking "what ifs" with her. I think logging off of fb for a while and not seeing her on gchat will be good for me.

[ClarenceRutherford]

"by getting to the point of..." i meant, if it happens it happens. I would like to have a child one day and I felt good about us even at that point.

 

by the last few months she's waxed and waned, when i brought it up she said "if it happens, it happens" meaning a pregnancy, then she'll turn and complain we don't use condoms anymore despite her not having any Birth control. That was the only time we stopped drinking. We decided together what to do and obviously, she had more control and I respected that. She wanted it partly because of I wanted to keep it. We made the list and I was a big part of the "pros"... but that was a looooong time ago.

You two were having sex without any kind of protection?

That's like playing Russian roulette, SFL. You do know the risks?

 

I know it feels a lot better. My wife and I haven't used condoms or any other kind of protection for years... but we're not in our 30s anymore and she thinks we're "safe..."

 

We always used condoms before we got married. I tried to talk her into going without one night (I wanted to try it sooooo bad as I'd never had unprotected sex with anyone before), but she wisely refused....

[sfindependent]

yep. we just got tested when we got together... i know what u mean but hell.

 

shooooot. even if i have been off fb for a week now but i still gdt the email alerts. my wall has been inactive now for a few days and she posted "saw a porsche with a roof rack today".... (my dream cAr is a porsche) so? u thought of me is that why u post something up there? whooopty do. or did u want me to look at YOUR profile to show me somethig ill react to? sigh. im not gonna play your game. im not ready to. when i do, ill crush you the way you beat me constantly at scrabble. i will not reply until im ready to do so.

 

i went to see the therapist today and told a family member about it. im going there to fix myself, not just coz im depressed or anxious. im going to address everything, my weaknesses my fears etc, in going through this i discovered im not the man i want to be, im not the man i can be for my family and future children. i still love her, withall my heArt. but i cant give love, appreciate love without loving myself first. she can wait until im ready. if shes moved on, thats fine. im gaining myself right now. me and me alone. for now. if she wants another shot, then we can truly enjoy ourselves because i can be the man i want to be for her, or anyone i meet.

 

speaking of meeting someone, that girl i met on valentines night when i went to dinner by myself... i have a afternoon date with her on sunday. nothing serious. i just want to get out there and meet people and not be a recluse.

 

day 1 of minimizing drinking too.

 

floridaman, realdeal, virtual highfive fellas

[Real Deal]

Good. You sound better. Be selfish right now and make it all about you. It WILL make you better in ALL relationships (family too) down the road.

[sfindependent]

yeah. i so want to keep a conversation with her and i know its her way of reaching her arm out. but her intentions, im not sure yet. ill hold off for now.

 

one thing it shows tho is she is looking through my social networks and thinkong about me.

[ClarenceRutherford]

yeah. i so want to keep a conversation with her and i know its her way of reaching her arm out. but her intentions, im not sure yet. ill hold off for now.

 

one thing it shows tho is she is looking through my social networks and thinkong about me.

Be careful. You're dealing with a snake You could get bit, so to speak.

[sfindependent]

i agree. its probably the motions of the bu settling up after few weeks of being single now coming up. she saying she saq something that reminds her of me. thats all.

[sfindependent]

i'll be honest, it's difficult to ignore these little small talks from her. I'm glad that my buddy has my FB password, or else i'd be tempted to immediately post back.

 

I am trying to exercise self control. I'm not sure what to do with her right now, so i guess that NOT doing anything is better than doing something that can be detrimental to me...? I know she wants to keep me in her life, and i want her to be in mine too. But we're not in the same page as of yet. I still want to have another chance with her, truthfully speaking. But i'm not in the right place at all to have ANY relationship (i admitted that to her a while back, after the BU). I told her i sincerely have been thinking about what i lost and how my ways have affected my relationship with her and i'm doing things to improve myself for the next person i meet. I've a lot of issues within myself i have to work on.

 

Last night, i spent a good few hours at a late night coffee shop. Reading "48laws of Power", eating an egg salad sandwich and tea. It was awesome. I walked by a few bars and thought about her, and how out of control i was with my drinking. I really need to cut that down. doesn't really help feeling depressed already and have the depressive side effects of alcohol.

 

going back to her (as i usually do). she's making an small effort to let me know she's thinking about me, and i know it was big of her to post something on my wall as posting comments on my photo app profile.

I'm really torn if i should respond nonchalantly to her or if i should let it simmer for a week.

 

....?

 

ok fine, a week it is.

[Real Deal]

She is thinking of you but doesn't want to be with you. If she did she would say it. Anything short of that is her guilt and ego feeding one another. Ignore it. This still has a long way to go before it is done but you are focusing all on external changes and not as much the internal ones. If you playcate her now it will validate her desire that she can have you anytime she wants to. I don't get the FB thing. Delete her, plain and simple. She's an adult - she'll get over it. It blows my mind that guys are so worried about upsetting someone that sh*t all over them. It doesn't make any sense at all.

[anthony4]

Mine blocked me on FB. Weren't friends there anymore anyway. I hadn't pestered her but it was for the better. She can't see mine, and I can't see hers. I never took offense to it. I look at it as my Facebook now. Good advice from Real again. Day25

[Real Deal]

Anthony...soon the days will fade into weeks my friend. You are lucky there are not children involved. It makes it so much easier to move on (it seems).

[sfindependent]

anthony, u are strong my brother. stay so. me, im still weak and confused and easilyninflueneced

by my emotions. im trying to be strong, but my gut instinct tells

me to call/text/write her. i wont. day3 of a long period of days.

 

i want to text her saying " what was up with that post? if u are thinking about me,

say so. i couldnt read your mind. you know being subtle didnt help either of us figure out the other" but anger is not a necessary option right now. ive got to let go. this whole experience is emotionally exhausting.

[sfindependent]

now that i think about it real, it probably is guilt. guilt of whateer including going after some guy directly after

me, i dont know. ugh. really beginning to disgust me and lose my rwspect for her

[askltk]

now that i think about it real, it probably is guilt. guilt of whateer including going after some guy directly after

me, i dont know. ugh. really beginning to disgust me and lose my rwspect for her

 

Man, I know it's tough - but stop over analysing every minuscule piece of communication for a hidden meaning. It's gonna continue to mess you up. I've been there, the early days of my BU - every text would be meticulously over thought in some way for my to find a positive from her.

[Real Deal]

Man, I know it's tough - but stop over analysing every minuscule piece of communication for a hidden meaning. It's gonna continue to mess you up. I've been there, the early days of my BU - every text would be meticulously over thought in some way for my to find a positive from her.

 

This is the rub right there. Stop thinking about it. They do this (not always on purpose) to keep you on a string. They can't help it. It's a function of their ego. If you need a reminder read that article thing I posted early on. Seriously, read it every day in the first 90 days of a bad breakup (or a good one..haha).

[sfindependent]

The concept of letting go, completely letting go is a process that everyone who is going through a break up has to do. I mean, letting go of expections especially.

 

Just to clarify, i wrote this as part of my self reflection looking at myself from a third part POV. If you would like to understand my current mindset, substitute "our" to "me" and so on. The board's POV on my mindset will be very much appreciated.

 

I fluttered through numerous "get your ex back" sites, articles and advices since being dumped by my ex... I've read advices that mirror my own experiences, some from the other person's perspective, and others as couples testimonies of how they were able to get back with their ex and lead a successful life together. But as time went on (been officially broken up a month now, but who knows when she checked out of the relationship itself, could've been months prior) I've transitioned from "getting your ex back" to "why not to get back with your ex"; attraction; seduction; "get over a break up" even "regaining power" and "what to improve within yourself after a break up"; advices on picking yourself up from a traumatic experience as a break up. There were a lot of common themes in these articles but at the same time, have a lot of differential factors that are unique to each experience. After all, we are all human and we do not have exactly the same situation being played in front of us. Most say NC as a means of healing yourself, to ultimately detach yourself from the emotional burden of a break up and start living in a life of independence from your SO. Outta sight outta mind, so they say.

 

The concept of being exposed continuously to a negative stimuli (your SO rejecting you) is very counter intuitive to our basic premise of survival. Why would you want to be surrounded by things that continuously hurts you? It's like, as someone said here, picking on an open wound without letting it heal first. It's also, as a manm, very humbling in the simplest sense. Our ego's are shattered, "why does she not want this?" or "what did ever do to be rejected like that?". It's our initial instinct to question our validity in the relationship. In a normal relationship (no abusiveness such as physical, verbal etc), we open ourselves up to the other person as time goes on, and quite understandably, we open ourselves to being hurt because we started taking other person personally. Makes sense? If it were someone else, maybe some random homeless man on the street yells at you that you're "sexually inept" or "your personality sucks!", chances are we will just brush it off and not take it "personally". However, if someone we've allowed to get in our head, someone we've slowly opened up our hearts to reveals something such as "I don't love you anymore" or "it's not working out anymore" despite us trying to make it work; our egos get hurt. Our emotions are set in an unbalanced flow and whatever we expected from the people we've trusted are no more. the emotional connection we have between our SO's have been tethered. The history we've shared and the time we spent seem to have gone to waste, doesn't it?

 

But what is so special about this "history" between you and your SO? by definition, history is the past, furthermore the term history means that there's a significant event that connotates a specific event. We constantly hear "the past is the past" or "i can't believe that she just let go of that history we have". I'm sorry if i'm sort of minimizing the significance of your history with your SO, but bear with me here for a minute.

 

Think about it this way, when you first got together with your SO, both of you carry baggage. Both of you carry these little negative aspects about yourself that you hide from people during the initial phases of your relationship. However, over time you share "history" with your SO... swimming in the nude in the dark, a nice conversation about politics, sex, etc. You feel comfortable "releasing" the guard you put up to hide your negative self. The one that is selfish, the self centered aspect of you. You start exposing your bad self freely into the open and because you are blinded by the idea of "love", you feel entitled not to CHANGE them but to have the other person ACCEPT them instead. In essence, this "history" you speak of, this "special bond" you have with the other person isn't as good as it can really be. Why not?

 

To put in perspective, the idea of being with someone without healthily addressing your own faults and shortcomings will always "taint" this history you call so "special". it will always be there, hiding and coming out in the most inopportune times.

 

Let's just say you are a serial cheater. You've cheated on your then girlfriends for years, and now this "special person" is in your life and you spend "history" with them without consciously addressing your fidelity complex. What do you suppose would happen? The same goes in everything. By being conscious of what you're doing and maintaining a co-effort between your SO and you to be aware of relationship pitfalls you both contribute to the relationship, the history itself holds more meaning to you and your SO. The relationship would have more meaning. Would you rather hold on to a meaningful relationship or one that is broken? remember, it takes two to tango. Whether you see yourself as blameless or at fault, 100% sure you have in someway shape or form contributed to your relationship's demise.

 

In reflecting upon the hundreds of people's experiences, advices and my own personal reflection, i have come accross my own personal "eureka!". this relationship i'm mourning for is a reflection of my own personal shortcomings. Of course, i'm taking into account that the qualities i inherently possess may really not be a good fit to my previous partner but therein lies some of my own personal shortcomings to see that, to establish personal boundaries and accept certain facts that may or may not be acceptable to the other person. They are as forgetful as we may get, entitled to their own opinions and feelings themselves.

 

what do i mean by that?

 

Taking you back to the idea of NC after break up, i kept on seeing the word "accept it" and "let go" "learn from it". But what exactly am i letting go? what exactly am i learning? what is it that means "if its meant to be" or "NC, LC, NIC nonchalance" and all these tactics to forget about your ex, to move on or to get your ex back. But what about you?

 

I've spoken with my ex several times after the break up, as you all are well aware. Most are idle chit chat that Real and everyone has been more than willing to offer their advice to me about what my ex could possibly be doing or feeling.

 

I've also spent a great deal of time improving myself and for the life of me, could not distinguish whether i'm doing it for myself or for my ex whom i was still pining over at times, but i suppose it's ok for the meantime. I'm getting out there and it's all that matters. However, through this i am doing a genuine self reflection about what it is about me that contributed to how things didn't work. Again, there could be a big reason why we broke up that ultimately stemmed from my inadequacies, but also, it just probably didn't work because it naturally wouldn't. I'm reading a ton of information that could help me go through this and into my next relationship whomever that could be.

 

But the biggest part of NC i believe (and this is slowly giving me the reason to go LC or NIC and be accepting of her miniscule advances) is the fact that I'm trying to learn to accept the hand that has been dealt to me.

 

It's unfair for myself to think all these negative thoughts about "who's she friends with" or "who is she dating" or "what is she doing"... these are selfish thoughts that reflect my own inability to accept who she was even when we were together. Get? Ok, let me put it this way: your SO is a culmination of a personal history that makes up her personality and her beliefs; she will be that person no matter what you do, and so are you. Unless you are a hypnotist who can ultimately change your partner, if you cannot learn to accept who she is and celebrate it joyfully, then you will always be placed in a position where you would have problems later on in the relationship when that "guard" is let down. for me, you are constantly being judged to see if you can accept the person for who they are... establishing comfort and security to be who they already are. Still confused? in regards with religion, if one of the two people do not believe in the same aspects you believe in, forcing them to adhere to your religion without them freely willing to devoting changing themselves to accept that as part of you will have dire consequenses. It will build resentment and anger "why do i have to change?" "what happened to me being who i am?". Doubt ensues.

 

As i mentioned numerous times during this post, that i've been doing extensive self reflecting. There's definitely room for me to breathe now. Room for me to explore the world and find myself. I've discovered my imperfections and what i contributed to my relationship with my ex. I failed to address my own faults and accept her imperfections as well. while i remained rigid with my own beliefs i did not take hers and let it be part of our relationship. her desire to find friends of her own, to freely practice her own spirituality and make her basic daily life decisions.

 

Especially now, with her living her life the way she wants to, i fail to be accepting of that. That is not love. That is selfishness. That is control. If she chooses to date someone else, of course i would feel sad and empty. But in the grand scheme of things, if you do love your SO whether it be you're still together or not, celebrating your differences and respecting their decisions and accepting them will help you learn to be with someone who will do the same for you.

 

I'm trying to accept the fact that i am not the person whom she wants to be with and who knows, maybe this new person she is seeing is someone who can make her happy. It's very humbling. Who knows if these new found friends of her will play a significant part in her life. I choose to be above them, on my time when i'm ready to fully experience her friendship and with my boundaries of course. I'm testing the waters myself to see if i'm ready to accept her new life, sadly i'm not quite there yet, but awareness is, i suppose, an initial step to approaching this different kind of relationship with her. I'm aware of my emotions, i'm aware it will take time, and i'm aware that i shouldn't focus on her at all, since I have my own life to focus on right now. After all, if it weren't for her, i wouldn't know what kind of shortcomings i have that i bring to the proverbial table whom i share life with someone i'm supposed to love wholeheartedly and unabashedly.

 

I know the board will slap me stupid and tie my hands on a tree to keep me from re-establishing contact with her without her placing her heart on the table. I know she won't. She's not that kind of person to admit her feelings, so i won't expect her to. I don't expect her to do anything more than be concerned about my well being and periodically check in with me. I don't expect her to jump back in my arms saying she's regretted her decision to leave me. I wouldn't want to anyway. instead i will give her a reason to reach out. I will welcome her advances and return it accordingly. Once cannot rush into situations like this and expect it to work in your favor without the blessing of time.

 

the history we have together was great, but it's still riddled with our own imperfections it's difficult to really want that back from her. Knowing without fixing our own personal problems (problems that contribute to the demise of a relationship), if we try to have any kind of relationship (friendship or otherwise) it will ultimately fail. Not without having the fundamental aspects of having a healthy relationship.

 

I'm working on mine right now and last i heard she's having a creative breakthrough and is working on her art again. I told her i'm proud of her for doing so and she should keep it up.

 

I'm looking forward to therapy, looking forward to improving my career, meeting women and most definitely improving my capacity to be in a healthy relationship. if at some point, she sees me as a better person, great. If not, i'll be in a far better place than i am right now to provide someone else with a much more significant relationship than my previous one. i'll be more attractive with all these positive qualities i am to gain from this, to her and everyone around me.

 

then i'll be able to really hold a meaningful relationship; with her or with someone else.

[sfindependent]

re-reading that post kind of relieves me a bit. i hope it will help other people.

[anthony4]

So you are saying you aren't gonna do NC - rather LC or NIC? I think i saw that in there. If so, good luck. When i think about any good our relationship had, i just counter those thoughts with all the negative. (mostly from the long list of reasons i wrote down in proximity of my computer, about "why i shouldn't be with her", 37 to be exact, some trivial some not) It makes my decision somewhat easier. I had to do it again today while driving and without the list. I don't need to look for the good in my ex right now, even though there was good. It's just not productive if I want to move on.

[sfindependent]

no, im not saying any. I think a big part of it is the "pressure" of performing NC/LC/NIC/nonchalant.

 

What i'm saying is i'm welcoming change. I'm accepting the days as they come. I do not have to ignore her when it's not necessary or will not benefit the situation, but i will not also go out of my way to put her in the center of my undivided attention. I will simply, be.

 

I know Real and Anthony and FlridaMan are all going "nooooo" but trust me on this fellas. I think part of healing is accepting. I'm not going to lose my new found self respect by letting her walk all over me, that's what boundaries are for. In the course of things, I've lost a lot of myself into going about this the wrong way. By ignoring these feelings and letting them take their natural course.

 

Maybe being exposed to her will "grant" her the "ok" to date other people. it's her choice, not mine. I just won't be there when she is, or does. Neither of us will gain from disrespecting the other by maintaining contact with the other if their life choices is not in accordance to each one.

 

Knowing her, she's moved on. I should too. Letting go and letting her truly be is part of that. If the situation calls for it and neither of us will be in a place where we would get hurt by what the other person is saying or doing, then why wouldn't i let the positive energy flow?

[sfindependent]

i can understand that people here would disagree with me with maintaining NC vs LC or NIC or whatever, and i respect the power of NC. i'm not discounting that need to do so, and i'm doing just that going on with NC. I'm taking this time to heal, but also, i'm looking at it from a perspective where "i SHOULD let go". it's her life. I should live mine.

 

I've been reading someone else's thread here and it's made me realize how much i'm spinning my wheels on something I shouldn't be spending so much time on. I really don't have anything to talk about with my ex other than daily mundane things, so being out of her life limits me from having anything to want to talk about with her. I'm sure she feels the same way with me, thus the small idle chit chats we've had together. In someways, i wish that our quality of conversation would improve but looking back at the REALITY of our relationships, we didn't really have much to talk about. it also didn't help that she's introverted and therefore usually keeps things to herself. Also, I don't think that there's much to talk about, unless i want to hear what she's been doing with her new men and friends; i'd be stupid to think that i can handle such a situation right now. I've got a long way from being fully detached and I'm sticking to my guns. Besides, i know i've got a lot of things on my own plate right now. There's no point in worrying about who she's talking to or who she's sleeping with... i'll be honest, it goes through my head like crazy, even right now. But i can see everyone's suggestion, "what's the point of doing so?"

 

I'm not really sure where i'd want me and the ex's relationship to go. Although I've heard people say "being a friend to an ex is a disservice to the word "ex"". I've only had a couple of ex's i'm friends with, and even with that it took a while for me to be accepting of the relationship. I would take my time to be accepting of this one too.

 

i've got a lot more going than when we broke up, a lot more support that can help me heal in time. I thank you for that. I hope the therapy, the working out, the writing here, the reading of books, my independence, and going out with other women will help me get through this.

 

i hope i've not lost the respect of the people that have been helping me here. I am maintaining NC.

 

Although my kindness and acceptance (or rather the appearing it in front of her) of the fact that i'm ok now and am ok with the BU may have sealed the chances of reconciliation, i don't think i should care much about it. Knowing it's that way makes me heal. Knowing NOT to expect her to call makes me heal and not check my phone a million times. I'm going to be a completely different person in a few months. a happy one. A confident one. a healthy one. a successful one.