sfindependent Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 really, what and why am i hung up on the negative things and wanting them? St. Patty's day is coming up and I KNOW she'll drinking then at the local bar with the guys she's been hanging with... why am i so concerned about it? and i don't see why she won't be scrwing the new guy after drinking.. her inhibitions are lessened, her horniness increased... it's all so bad for me. i want someone who wants me WITHOUT the effects of ETOH. what kind of woman is she? alcoholic? low self esteem? someone who drifts their way through life with no goals? ETOH and "goodtimes" is more of a priority than bigger goals and plans? "i've no plans"... is what she always said. i am screwed financially, emotionally and maybe even mentally... and I HAVE goals. what does that say of her? On the same hand, i CAN have fun on that day myself. Although seriously, i am slowly... SLOWLY weaning myself out of that drinking atmosphere. My married buddies, my stable single buddies, don't get too excited about st. patty's day or any of these drinking holidays anymore. Why? because they've got something else better to do thats why. Sigh. we'll see. patty's day isn't for another 2weeks. we'll see what happens between then. hopefully continued NC will continue to help me heal and really NOT care.... ok, back to work! Link to comment
sfindependent Posted March 4, 2011 Author Share Posted March 4, 2011 dammit. ok as a header, i know i'm not supposed to compare ex's to other people BUT i couldn't help it when i'm missing her...so bear with me. had an interesting night. Kinda paying for it today, and feeling sick to my stomach missing the hell out of her. I'm not breaking NC, though. Don't need to do so. What's the point, what are we going to talk about, it will just have negative outcomes (she'll perceive i'm weak and make her feel negatively towards me etc) and it will prevent me from moving on and healing. I went out on a date yesterday again with the jamaican girl. Went to the night museum to have a few drinks. I didn't feel it. Although it was still a fun date, i kept on thinking how I missed the ex. My date only had a drink and ok its sad but i kinda wished she drank more that. So after we were done, we continued to talk and had a very deep intellectual conversation again. It was something i hadn't had with M in a long time. I wasn't attracted to her physcially either. So i probably would only keep her as a friend. she left at around 10pm and I was still in the mood to do something. I went by myself to the local bar by my house and sat beside a group of people who happened to be regulars there. I also met a guy who was pretty chill we talked about mental health and all that, played pool. I even managed to get a couple of drinks for free (i always get free drinks from people and M hated how i can do it). here's the kicker. I happened to spot this girl. far prettier than M but on some level, reminded her of me soooo much. her behavior, her drinking, her having a good time... it was like a prettier version of her. She ended up flirting with me and i danced with her for a second then parted ways. She was just drawn to me... she started the flirting, not me. now, today. I miss my ex. it just makes me think of the good times we had and truth be told, i did like the alcoholic in her somewhat. ugh. now i feel like i'm back to step one again. Link to comment
MakeItCount Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 All the more reason to stay NC. Look man, it's going to take a while for you to be able to look at another girl and be like "DAMN, I WANT HER". Just go out, have fun, whatever you gotta do. I was in the same spot as you. It's all starting to clear up now. I have no problems going out and hitting on attractive girls. Sure, the ex is still on my mind here and there, especially when I'm having a crappy day. Realize it's a big part of just wanting to have someone there as a good friend, someone to confide in. That will only come when you find someone else. The rest, however, is just a process that will take time. And it'll come, I promise. I didn't think it would, but it did. you'll get there. Stay strong buddy. Link to comment
sfindependent Posted March 5, 2011 Author Share Posted March 5, 2011 trying to be. missing her today again. ran for 3-4hrs today, trying to get her off my mind. trying yo man it up today and let the feelings make me stronger instead of weaker. in actually upset too, one of my best friends told me him and M hung out to catch up, not in date way but friend way... he said she wasnt dating anyone although i know thats a complete lie, hanging out with the dysfunctional lesbian couple (im sure she didnt want to let him know her full story since it would come back to me) and asked about me briefly. my good buddy told me he told her i "was improving myself, going to the gym and reading" as part of what im doing to move on. he mentioned that she said to him i was still "attached".... ive not seem her in weeks! have made no attempt to see her, and havent been in contact woth her! what the heck? what doea that mean? Link to comment
sfindependent Posted March 6, 2011 Author Share Posted March 6, 2011 i dont think ive given her the impression im still pining on her... my other buddy said that it couldve been her ego and her assumption that was working rather than anything else that couldve made her think that way.... Link to comment
anthony4 Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 her, her, her. just an observation. Link to comment
sfindependent Posted March 6, 2011 Author Share Posted March 6, 2011 @anthony: word. thanks for keepin me in line. hooooo. ok. keep on keepin on. back to MY reality. Link to comment
MakeItCount Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 her, her, her. just an observation. Agreed. Try to stop thinking about HER. Think about YOU. That's all that matters. It'll come man. Just deal with your feelings the best you can. See, you ARE attached. If you talked to her right now, it'll show right through. That's why NC is so important in another way other than to help you heal. You can't show any weakness to her, only in the privacy of your own home, and to your best friends. Keep going man, that light at the end of the tunnel will come. Link to comment
Real Deal Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 @anthony: word. thanks for keepin me in line. hooooo. ok. keep on keepin on. back to MY reality. So when is the last time you two had ANY form of contact? Just curious... Link to comment
sfindependent Posted March 6, 2011 Author Share Posted March 6, 2011 So when is the last time you two had ANY form of contact? Just curious... about two weeks? I'm not sure. been a while. havent counted. But no FB, no text, no alls, nothing. The only way I found out about this "attachment" thing was when a good friend of mine had drinks with her (they live in the same town, 6blocks from each other). @MIC - Yes, I agree 200%, my attachment will show through. even if we talk or if we text or whatnot, it's going to show. On the upside, i've been getting old flirty, funny, cocky, devil may care attitude back. It's so easy for me to approach most women. be it during sober, at the store/coffee shop moments or during drunken stupors at the bar. I have found myself talking about OTHER things other than about her as well. I ran at the park yesterday, enjoying a beautiful saturday afternoon in the city. I began to think, this (the running, enjoying the park) is what i love to do and wanted to do with her for a long time and more often than not she didn't want that. She hated hiking, running, nature stuff. Now i'm getting to do it on my time and as much as i want. i should be happy. but i'm not. i'm missing her. I know i will be better as time goes by, and it will be ok. i know i will. i've gone through it before and i will do it again. i will get over her and find the next dysfunctionally functional woman (lol). as far as my life, it's far from perfect, far from complete. i'll get better at living it. I'll try to keep my eye on the prize and become a better man. a complete man. god, fellas i hope you keep those inspirational words coming. while my problems seem small compared to jonesy or to MIC, or to LNL, they still cause me a heavy heart. Link to comment
ClarenceRutherford Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 Thought of you, SF, when I blasted this song from my car CD player today... The Grassroots were big in the late 60s and early 70s... Where Were You When I Needed You THE GRASS ROOTS FIRST TOP FORTY HIT AT # 28 IN 1966. Thought it might give you a confidence booster, SF, as you may one day feel the way the writer of the song felt... Link to comment
Real Deal Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 Wow, that gave me chills. Fits me sitch with my ex to a tee. Best part though, no bitterness or anger. That is the key to getting over them - realizing that the sense of loss is merely a function of the ego. Link to comment
sfindependent Posted March 7, 2011 Author Share Posted March 7, 2011 Wow, that gave me chills. Fits me sitch with my ex to a tee. Best part though, no bitterness or anger. That is the key to getting over them - realizing that the sense of loss is merely a function of the ego. yeah,made me shake my head too. kind of dictated my situation. I've got a lot of things going on for me, and really, dating and getting to know someone isn't going to fit that schedule of mine while i fix my life. I've been meeting women like crazy, and i sent an ex whom I'm really good friends with a pic to ask how the progress of my woring out is going (abs and chest)... she was like "very hot, M is missing out, actually, i feel like missing out too" and "you look amazing". I know she's not BSing me. If she really felt a certain way, she'd tell me. so i trust her comment made me feel good all over. today, i felt a slight urge to text her "have a good week", then i thought, "What for?" nothing good's gonna come out of it. No matter how innocent my intentions are, it will be misconstrued as something desperate, so pffftt. lol. My really good friend and mentor talked to me for an hour last night after work, and reminded me of who i was and what i stood for. made me feel motivated to move on. I'm also reading "48 laws of power" and one of the laws was "law 10: Infection: avoid the unhappy and the unlucky" which went to discuss the power of good people's influence on your life. good people begets good influence, while unhappy and unmotivated people turn you into an unhappy and unmotivated person. She was a drifter, someone who didn't know what to do with life, who was content with a simple small town life. who's into drinking, partying and pretty much content with that kind of life. I want that too, the typical american life, house, bar life, car, kids in a small town,... BUT i don't have that yet, and she wasn't really up to being motivated to work on stuff to get there. Maybe this BU will motivate her to become better, to strive for something better. Maybe she'll move to FL again, i don't know. But really, that's not me. I've got my own path to carve and i'll get there on my own. I've gotten far in life for being 31, career wise and life wise. I'm surrounded by good friends who cherish my company who genuinely wants the best for me. I've learned to remove myself from friends who are bad for me, thus my reasoning for removing myself from the friends she chose to surround herself when we broke up. She turned her back away from my loving family who took her in as part of it, my friends who were genuine about caring about her well being and from me who really wanted to have a good, loving supportive life with her. my mentor said "i know you and she left a good man who'll be a good father to his kids one day. who'll be successful in life. and who's put himself in a really good place to be in life as of right now. you deserve better". I believe her. She's been through 2 other BU's and her opinions mattered to me, about me and about my situation. my ex's belief that "$h!ts and giggles are gone and are important to me even after a year" and "we're only new, we shouldn't work on this too much". psh. screw her. I don't want her back, as a girlfriend. even if she changed and became better, there's nothing we have in common. even now, i'm thinking what could be the things we can be talking about as "friends"... nothing. I can be a friend to her, sure. I can try that. But relationship wise? pffft. someone else deserves my genuine love and share my future; who'll have her head on her shoulders and REALLY value my company. i can do way better. in my life, and with someone to share it with. Link to comment
Real Deal Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 i can do way better. in my life, and with someone to share it with Exactly, this is the key. YOU are the prize, not her. Once you can pull this off with ZERO anger, resentment or bitterness you are "there". Almost as if you feel sorry for them. Think about someone you feel sorry for. Is that attractive? Exactly! Link to comment
sfindependent Posted March 8, 2011 Author Share Posted March 8, 2011 its funny, Real. As you may have noticed, i am one of those the "mull" over things that haven't happened yet. I'm thinking she's moved on, living it up, happy, hanging with new friends, living a purposeful life. But then i think of what she did to me. Mostly when she started disrespecting me. When she started being vocal about why she didn't like me. when she stopped telling me she loved me. I'm thinking to myself, why do i need that? Why do I WANT that? Even as a friend? I can't have people disrespect me like that. I've taken a great deal of pride surrounding myself with successful people and recognizing the value of people around me, and SHE didn't even see/realize the value i placed on the relationship. So looking forward, i might still be attracted to her physically, yes. She's a beautiful woman. But really, how will our friendship go? Shallow? we'll have nothing to talk about. we'll have "how did your drinking go this weekend?". I really don't see her talking to me about politics, pyschology, spirituality or philosophy. It'll be idle chit chat just the same. Or just conversations that will only include stupid things such as "that lady on the corner looks like the drummer from The Roots". Fun, but i want something more significant with her when it comes down to it. Her misplaced pride and defensiveness/closedness due to her introvertedness will be something difficult to bring down and I really don't know if i'd want to put the effort to put my heart into it again. I tried for two years to break it down and nothing really came out of it except negativity. I didn't grow as a person, and who knows, maybe this other guy she's seeing/hanging out with will bring the positivity out of her; good for her. kudos. I may not have been all that as a BF, poor listening skills, poor memory (i really do, it's a family trait), sometimes i'm inconsiderate, but i would almost always ask her for her opinion or her input on how to improve the relationship and she will say "i don't know". true she's said some of the problems she's had with me and I didn't listen, but I also told her this: "I don't respond well to negativity, can you tell it to me constructively? You know i'm bad with remembering things, so can you just repeat/reword it into something where I can remember or reinforce it positively?". Yup. I said that. I'm still sad she's gone, but really, i'm sadder that it went down like this. I can understand if she's upset with me WHEN i left and how i did it. But can you really blame me for leaving when i did? She was out of town when i packed my stuff and left. You're right Real, I am beginning to feel sorry for her in a way where she didn't really experience the value i was trying to place between us. I AM a bit bitter, resentful and just disappointed about the downward spiral that happened. Truthfully, again, i'm back to thinking... i'd love to be friends with her. Really. But i don't see her placing any importance or effort in that either. Knowing her, she'd be too proud (misplaced pride, i think)to make an effort to even initiate anything. Frankly, i don't want to be placed in another heart break where someone whom i used to cherish and love can't do the same and give me the damn respect I deserve for accomplishing what i have had in my life. Maybe that's part of why she resented me. I finished my master's. I had a career. I had a future regardless of who i'm with because of that. She on the other hand, has to find out the hard way. I really hate to feel sorry for her because i care a lot about her and really do love her unconditionally. But i'm not going to waste my love over someone who doesn't value it or even more so, return it. trust and respect are gone. From both sides. I'm not sure how that can be restored. Link to comment
sfindependent Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 ugh. I did not plan on anything like THAT last night. that was a mess. I went home from work around 7pm, no plans for fat tuesday. As a matter of fact, i was proud my only plans for the night on a drinking night like this was tea and a book, and possibly working out. But the night turned into something different. I happened to schedule my therapy on fat tuesday which helped. I'm feeling a lot better, i'm busting out assessments at work, paying a LITTLE bit more attention to details and overall having a more positive demeanor. People are starting to notice a difference. I reported to my therapist that i WAS feeling good. then at around 730, i get a text from an ex (not the one I'm stuck on), asking me out to get a beer or two with her. I said "maybe", since i had running plans already and let her know what was up. I ended up saying "yes" (cancelled my running plans with my good friend since my body was still sore from the night before) and waited on her at the coffee shop while i read a book. to reiterate, she's become a really good friend. There's nothing more than a platonic friendship between us (is this an ENA success story of becoming good friends with an ex?) I met her and her gay friend (who i thought was an awesome guy, btw) and started hanging with them. I told her i was broke so she was buying me drinks all night. we ended up playing pool with my ex flirting in the back with some guys at the bar..At some point the guy we were with walked up to me and complimented me saying "you have a strong positive aura". which made me feel kinda good. hey it's a compliment and i think it's something innate that he saw; it wasn't a flirty "i want you" compliment, but it was a genuine thing that he said. I overheard it too when he first mentioned it to my ex ex so i know he wasn't BSing... aside from the free drinks from my ex, also got a free drink from a couple of guys, gang bangers none the less lol. free anything is awesome. specially when it's at a bar. They were cool, invited me to the place where they worked which was right accross where we were on my next night out. actually the 7 people i ended up hanging out with were local people from the area, all lived and worked within a 10block radius. the bad part (gallop, Real, i know you're gonna frown upon this)... I ended up taking a girl home last night. the sex was unsatisfying. it left me feeling very empty. it left me missing the connection i had with M, the snuggling, the companionship and the familiarity of her face. the quality of the goodtimes we had. I miss her. I'm not depressed over losing M now. I'm happy with who i am as a person. i am on my way to becoming who i was before i met M, even better because of my painful experience. I do miss the goodtimes me and her had, and wish it never got to the point of us having to separate. but it did, and i'm accepting it more and more everyday. the more i accept it, the sadder i get from knowing i can't and won't want her back anymore. She's just another ex. I feel great as a person. Gay dude even said he can tell I look hella smart. books wise. smart and a positive aura? I think i can make it out here. But i sure as hell wish i can share it with M. But you know, she probably doesn't even care what happens to me at this point. lol. I was thinking yesterday. She left a hole in my heart. I'm sure she's got a big hole to fill as well. Knowing the situation, she's probably stressed financially (apartment is too expensive and her income isn't that great, additional $$ for groceries, bills, utilities, bar money etc)... she's either going to get a 2nd job or has to move. i don't know. I'm genuinely concerned about her but she's not my problem anymore. she's too proud to ask me back, too proud so repression is her only answer to everything. Oh well, again, i'm becoming more genuinely happy for myself, but sad right now. Not missing the relationship. but just... BTW, i've decided, i'll try cellibacy for me starting today until i feel "connected" so let's see... No TV, no radio (except for my iphone/mp3's), just books... and now, no sex. it's going to be fun. Link to comment
ClarenceRutherford Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 You got that right. She isn't your problem anymore. So please, SF, stop thinking about her. It only hurts you more. Link to comment
sfindependent Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 thanks Florida, I am trying not to think about her. It just creeps up to me still most times. but it's mostly the feeling of missing her that exists. the actual thought of her comes after realizing i feel the way i feel. weird. i've been good. still on NC, still doing my thing. climbing up and out of my hole and do things. I still have the urges to pick up the cell and call her but i know it's pointless to do ANYTHING. I'm gone, i left and i'll keep going. I just wish i didn't have her in my head as much. today is weird, there's really nothing special about today except for the fact that i slept with another woman last night and having that "cuddle" sleep buddy felt great, then I remember she wasn't M and it made me sad. Looking at it, it just made me feel empty. so i'll try to be celibate, no sex, no nothing. it'll be great, i can feel it (or lack thereof, LOL). Link to comment
Real Deal Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 Sex with someone else can be good, even if not satisfying. You are/were biologically addicted to M. Don't sweat it. You will get with someone eventually that you are really into. A break from women can be a good thing after a breakup. I waited a while after my ex wife to do it and it gave me a clarity that I can't describe. I just broke up with my GF of 10 months last Friday and I am taking a month for myself. Not that I need the clarity so much but I have found I am getting very picky as the years progress (prize mentality...haha). You're doing fine man. Keep going forward. Link to comment
sfindependent Posted March 10, 2011 Author Share Posted March 10, 2011 thanks rd, i appreciate the words. i do believe im doing great. the improvements ive been doing genuinely reflects out towards other people. im like this naturally but i feel the added experience, knowledge and life lessons in general has made me "brighter" and more attractive if not physically (im not the hottest coal in the fire) but as the guy said last night, ive got a good aura around me. my ex hated the fact that i wake up on the weekend and just be on fire whistling and just being happy. thats me and i felt sometimes my genuine love of life and cheery attitude was stiffled with her negativtistic personality. im in a good place. i feel my personality coming back. i just have to keep it slow and not burn any bridges up and not let my positive outlook come out too arrogantly and remind myself humility, sincerity, passion, positivity and respect should be a few of the pillars of my foundation. i cannot let a woman railroad me out of getting the prize. i maybe playing this game by myself, meaning i really dont know what she really thinks about all my chamges but it really doesnt matter. i know if i keep doing what im doing and live my life well, ill be a winner in my own right as a real man. Link to comment
sfindependent Posted March 10, 2011 Author Share Posted March 10, 2011 thanks rd, i appreciate the words. i do believe im doing great. the improvements ive been doing genuinely reflects out towards other people. im like this naturally but i feel the added experience, knowledge and life lessons in general has made me "brighter" and more attractive if not physically (im not the hottest coal in the fire) but as the guy said last night, ive got a good aura around me. my ex hated the fact that i wake up on the weekend and just be on fire whistling and just being happy. thats me and i felt sometimes my genuine love of life and cheery attitude was stiffled with her negativtistic personality. im in a good place. i feel my personality coming back. i just have to keep it slow and not burn any bridges up and not let my positive outlook come out too arrogantly and remind myself humility, sincerity, passion, positivity and respect should be a few of the pillars of my foundation. i cannot let a woman railroad me out of getting the prize. i maybe playing this game by myself, meaning i really dont know what she really thinks about all my chamges but it really doesnt matter. i know if i keep doing what im doing and live my life well, ill be a winner in my own right as a real man. Link to comment
danrs Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 Dude, that wasn't a mess. You seem to be wise beyond your years. Keep using the head, not the heart... I'm thinking to myself, why do i need that? Why do I WANT that? Even as a friend? I can't have people disrespect me like that. I've taken a great deal of pride surrounding myself with successful people and recognizing the value of people around me, and SHE didn't even see/realize the value i placed on the relationship. You're right Real, I am beginning to feel sorry for her in a way where she didn't really experience the value i was trying to place between us. I AM a bit bitter, resentful and just disappointed about the downward spiral that happened. Truthfully, again, i'm back to thinking... i'd love to be friends with her. Really. But i don't see her placing any importance or effort in that either. Knowing her, she'd be too proud (misplaced pride, i think)to make an effort to even initiate anything. Frankly, i don't want to be placed in another heart break where someone whom i used to cherish and love can't do the same and give me the damn respect I deserve for accomplishing what i have had in my life..... I really hate to feel sorry for her because i care a lot about her and really do love her unconditionally. But i'm not going to waste my love over someone who doesn't value it or even more so, return it. trust and respect are gone. From both sides. I'm not sure how that can be restored. Keep thinking this through man. While it's not easy to think about, sometimes it's for the best. You're analytical skills are bringing you to the correct conclusions and helping you in a very positive way here. It hurts to think about, but seems you're on the right track to get over this in a really positive way. When you can analyze and think like that, it's never a bad thing, even if it hurts in the short term. In the long run, your thinking and correctly analyzing this is for nothing but the best for you. Link to comment
sfindependent Posted March 10, 2011 Author Share Posted March 10, 2011 thanks D. i suppose being a "sensi" (got that term from scrubs,lol) has its benefits. all this self reflection and added knowledge of my own behaviors make me realize my self worth. im meeting people left and right... and just knowing the quality of people i wanna surround myself with gives me an advantage in the real world. who wants to be around people who bring u down and out? screw that. im try to see the value in my relationships, friends or otherwise. as a matter of fact im contemplating on starting to reach back out to family and people whom ive been neglecting. ive got more going than pining for people who do not deserve the time of day. im sorry if i sound bitter or mad. im a little yes but i remembered something about me, i am a good man. a bit off sometimes but i gotta keep reminding myself: better things begets better things. being involved in a cyclical negative relationship only begets heartache and pain. Link to comment
sfindependent Posted March 11, 2011 Author Share Posted March 11, 2011 Wow. Epic night, thanks to one of the guys on this board. We really tore SF a new hole, didnt we brother?. Also helped that the women were out last night having a good time too. Talked to so many women and met with this one girl i met a few weeks back at the same club. (back story is) The night i met her it was instant chemistry, chatted for 2 hours and was just very very honest open flirtation. Last night, wheeeew. She's gorgeous,and it was also instant flirtation too. I mean, wow. we had a lot of fun at the bar dancing, then she wanted to take me home. Went back to her place, but i insisted i was celibate (after the two meaningless sex i had in the past week, i decided to become cellibate.). She wanted to and i turned her down when she wanted to go all the way. I'm at work wearing the same clothes i wore last night, stink like hell, look like crap but i'm wearin a big smile. She looked at me like she was trying to read my mind, and having fun doing it... like, intensely. i'm NOT going to take this any further than dates and "chills" fellas... can't date anyone seriously at this moment. overall, epic night. epic week. epic life. Ex, who? hahahaha btw. My heart really sank for the people in Japan. We are all fortunate to have our families, our friends and our lives intact. Link to comment
ClarenceRutherford Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 That's quite some willpower there, SF. Not sure many other guys would have had the strength you had. Yes, I had a similar situation when I was in my 20s.... so I know where you're coming from. Link to comment
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