justaglimmer Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Last night was probably one of the worst nights of my life. My ex ripped me apart emotionally to the point where I was having horrible nightmares when I finally went to bed. So what happened? I finally stood up for myself and let him know how emotionally abusive he had become towards me. Got a phone call from him last night. He told me that he hates me for what "ive done", told me that he doesn't believe a word I say when I tell him how much I care for him, told me that he will always be able to sleep peacefully at night because he feels like he doesn't do anything wrong in the relationship and that if its really over, he fully blames me 100%. His anger was so strong that it was almost like the devil himself was on the phone with me. I felt scared. He proceeded to tell me that if I ever wanted to be with him, things would either be his way or the highway, that I would carry the weight of the relationship and never give him any lip about it. He said that I would put up and shut up. He told me that I was destined to fail without him in my life to keep me somewhat centered, that I would screw my life up completely. Literally our biggest problem over the past couple months was that I actually started standing up for myself. I let him push me around and belittle me for awhile but enough was enough. I thought that if I stood up for myself, he would wake up and realize what he's been doing... I was so wrong. It only made things so much worse. He said that if we were ever out somewhere, like in a restaurant, and I talked back to him.. that he would literally dump his food all over me and walk out and leave me sitting there. He said that I go against his wishes by wearing makeup, dressing the way I like, and even painting my fingernails. He said that he thinks I do these things just to test him. My biggest question out of all this is why did he even pursue me to begin with? When he first saw me, I was just the way I am today. Why didn't he choose someone from the start who didn't wear makeup, or dressed to his "standards"? Why didn't he choose someone who immediately just dropped to their knees and worshiped him? I do not understand, in the beginning he was so into me. All he would do is compliment me and now he suddenly hates certain things about me and acts as if I can't get anything right. I feel so weak and so dumb, because he had me scared last night. He didn't physically threaten me, but something about his anger had me stunned. I didn't fight back anymore, I didn't want to make things any worse. All of you here at ENA have been so helpful thus far and I'm glad I found this place. I just needed to vent and if anyone has any further words of encouragement and advice for fully ridding myself of the mess I'm in, I'd appreciate it. Link to comment
MasterPo Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Whoa. I got angry just reading the post. Well sweet, the bottom line? He lost respect for you for whatever reason. Unless he gets help this kind of abuse and that's what it is, is going to continue for a long time. If you have kids they will experience it as well. In a minute or so you are gonna get hit with "dump him" and all that. Me? I will say it but I like to salvage so here goes; find a counselor for him, read up on emotional abuse, the 'net is filled with resources or dredge ENA I've seen a few. Talk to someone and get your confidence back. Print out all the advice you get and read it every so often. This thing will destroy your life, don't let it. Be strong and don't be afraid to PM the more knowledgeable ENA. Get busy. Link to comment
GotMyLifeBack Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 He's an abuser. At the beginning he had all control. When you stood up to him, he escalated his abuse. There is a sick part of him that needs control. He will keep escalating. He won't change. Stay away from him. Forever. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 That guy sounds like he is not even worth the paper his birth certificate is printed on. It sounds like you should never have anything ever to do with him ever again. Do not bother calling or even thinking about him. He is abusive and controlling. They ALWAYS get worse. If he is your ex then you are one lucky gal. Stay gone. My mother's best friend is dead because she married a man like this. Link to comment
Daisy11 Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Oh wow you're situation is almost identical to mine! My ex was great at first and so in love with me. He actually begged and pleaded me to come back after our initial break-up and then when I agreed to reconcile he flipped a switch and became a horribly, cruel individual. He started putting all of the blame on me for our initial break-up and consistantly told me what a horrible person I am and put me down for anything I have achieved or would be important in my life. It was almost as if he made a joke out of anything I believe in. Yesterday was the last day for me to listen to all of his hurtful words and blame. I do take respondsibility for some of the things I did in the past that were wrong in our relationship, I am the first to admit I'm not perfect. However, in all relationship it takes TWO to either make it work or not. You cannot have a person in your life putting you down and making you feel respondsible for everything. Anyone who says that you have to "put up and shut up" or it is "his way or the highway" will never make you happy! I don't know why your ex pursued you to begin with if he was going to try to change you. I ask the same question about my own ex. A lot of my friends and family members have come to the conclusion that he is mentally instable since he changes his mind/opinion at the drop of a hat without being provoked. Maybe your ex has some of the same issues? Regardless if he does or doesn't, he is never going to change unless he wants to change. And you cannot help him if he doesn't want help. I know it is hard, I have had many long nights of restless sleep and nightmares over this also. It's crazy because my Ex treats me the same way but I still found myself talking to him and letting him in my life. The only way to get away from this and move on is to cut him out completely. Today is Day 1 of no contact for me, but yesterday after a string of cruel and hurtful text messages from him I finally blocked his number from my cell phone and deleted him off of facebook. I suggest you try doing the same. It's hard, believe me, I know and it's only Day #1 and I'm thinking of unblocking him... but I know deep down that this is what's best. Good luck to you and keep posting on ENA, it helps! Link to comment
sidehop Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 So he feels threatened of his power and trying to defend himself because he doesn't want to admit that he's a coward. Now he can't control you. Right now you are the one in control so as much as he may have 'threatened' you, he's probably feeling like a little man. It's likely he had abusive past, could be completely assuming but he's father was alcoholic, abusive or was only taught with a lot of anger with no logic. Stay strong, you deserve so much better than a loser like him. Who on earth threatens to dump food over their S/O? Link to comment
Mauxly Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Masterpo was right about one thing. Here's your first DUMP HIM post. I know that mPo believes in the possibility of salvation, maybe through counseling. But I advocate focusing on yourself. Get counseling for you. You've put up with this crap for too long, you need to figure out why and be given an emotional toolset for dealing with this. You need to build up your own self worth before considering staying in this relationship or getting into another one. The things he said to you were manipulative, demeaning and degrading. They are the halmark of an abusive relationship. Please go NC and get yourself a good therapist. I'm speaking from experience here. Link to comment
Daisy11 Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 I agree with Mauxly, get yourself a therapist. The affects of an abuser can be long lasting and very damaging to yourself. Please go talk to a professional and regain some of your own self-worth. Link to comment
DN Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 He has told you all you need to know. Better that than sweet-talking you back and behaving like that once you are with him again. Don't let an idiot like this bring you down - he's not worth your time and attention. And don't engage with him in another fight - he enjoys it. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 My biggest question out of all this is why did he even pursue me to begin with? When he first saw me, I was just the way I am today. Why didn't he choose someone from the start who didn't wear makeup, or dressed to his "standards"? Why didn't he choose someone who immediately just dropped to their knees and worshiped him? The only "standards" you need to meet are your own. I realize that it's easier said than done, but you have to cut off all contact, and be in control, instead of allowing him to control you. You can, and do deserve better than this. Link to comment
justaglimmer Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 Thank you all for the responses, I'm glad I can come here because right now I'm embarrassed to talk about it with family and whatnot, though they're not dumb, they know something is up. I'd love for him to be able to get counseling, but its out of the question because he doesn't think he has a problem to begin with. When I tried to let him know he had a problem, things got out of control real quick. It sucks a true hopeless case. Forgot to mention that he also accused me of trying to start fights so I can have a reason to go "wh*** around". He even got angry that I went to my little nephew's birthday party over the weekend. A kid's party with nothing but family! He said it just goes to show that I'm not at home crying over him when I should be if I really cared. Link to comment
MasterPo Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 When a person is in love, no amount of rational advice is going to sway them. Love is what it is. I was being real and giving her tools to work with if she stays with him AND that is a very real possibility. This is ENA and all advice has value you just have to mine it for yourself. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Oh no, you got involved with a very abusive man. He won't let go of that control, and his 'punching bag' easily. Why? Because you have now become his go-to scape goat for all his own internal worries, anxieties, insecurities, inadequacies. You really need good people around you in your life right now. ENA is great, and there is lots of support here, but you do need real flesh and blood support as well. The more, the better. Friends, family, supporters through a local resource center that knows all about this type of cycle of abuse - all good to have around you right now. I really strongly suggest you look into a resource center for abuse victims, and talk to someone. For several reasons. What you described is someone who is genuinely scary. You aren't weak for being frightened by him; he sounds very good at tearing people down, threatening, and destroying confidence. He is a classic abuser, and sometimes (very often) the abuse does get worse when someone stands up to them. It escalates, and that is why I think it is so important you have as much real support now as possible. Not only to help you heal and get on with your life, but to have someone help you create a plan of action of getting him out of your life for the long term. You should even have an emergency plan; you should be prepared for a while to not be alone too much and to always have someone to call and somewhere to go if you need to. Also a plan for when he tries to contact you, or does show up unexpected. So I really hope you will seek out that kind of help from someone who has the experience of dealing with this, and who can be a physical shoulder for you to cry on if you need to, or to help you remember what it is to laugh too. They'd also be able to answer your questions a lot better than a lot of us here (though some people here def. are knowing what they are talking about and have hearts of gold). Just remember this: what he does and did, it's not about you. I know that is hard to understand, even harder in your heart and emotionally, but I hope with time it will sink in and you will allow yourself to think that way. He is an abuser because he has problems. He belittles you and compliments/tears you down according to a system he has learned has worked to give him control of a person and situation; it is not because of you, it is not to do with reality or who you are. His words and actions are not an accurate representations of reality or truth, and neither his idea of who you are. You can do this. One day at a time. Link to comment
justaglimmer Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 Whoa. I got angry just reading the post. Well sweet, the bottom line? He lost respect for you for whatever reason. Unless he gets help this kind of abuse and that's what it is, is going to continue for a long time. If you have kids they will experience it as well. In a minute or so you are gonna get hit with "dump him" and all that. Me? I will say it but I like to salvage so here goes; find a counselor for him, read up on emotional abuse, the 'net is filled with resources or dredge ENA I've seen a few. Talk to someone and get your confidence back. Print out all the advice you get and read it every so often. This thing will destroy your life, don't let it. Be strong and don't be afraid to PM the more knowledgeable ENA. Get busy. You're right MasterPo, what I've found on the internet that describes an abusive person and toxic relationship fits him perfectly. Its almost scary how much he fits the bill. And yes, counseling would benefit him greatly if he were open to it, but there wouldn't be a shot in hell for that. He's extremely set in his ways. Link to comment
justaglimmer Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 Sorry that you're going through something similar Daisy, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Good luck to you, if you've made it this far and have already blocked contact with him stay with it! I wish I had. Link to comment
justaglimmer Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 Who on earth threatens to dump food over their S/O? Very good question! I was stunned to hear him say that. If anything like that ever happened I'd be so humiliated it would scar me for life for sure. Link to comment
ToF Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Good luck to you, if you've made it this far and have already blocked contact with him stay with it! I wish I had. It sounds as if you feel your situation is hopeless. Is that how you feel? Link to comment
MasterPo Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 You're right MasterPo, what I've found on the internet that describes an abusive person and toxic relationship fits him perfectly. Its almost scary how much he fits the bill. And yes, counseling would benefit him greatly if he were open to it, but there wouldn't be a shot in hell for that. He's extremely set in his ways. Good for you, sounds like you are on your way. I give this advice as controversial as it, because I've seen it firsthand. You will most likely leave him, he will be indignant and probably * * * * * to everyone that will listen. He will then feel the pain of your loss and this is where it gets spooky. He may come for you aggressively and you don't need that drama. Just my opinion, it's better to have your information/research (the plan) ready when this happens and you don't have to go back to him but you can give him the tools to be a better person. Set in his ways? Yeah, for now but love is a crazy thing and it will bring the strongest to their knees. I wish you the very best and good luck. Link to comment
justaglimmer Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 ToF, I do feel a bit hopeless, though I know I have to find my way out and stick to it. This man somehow became like an addiction to me and now I'm struggling to break free because my emotions and thoughts are so scattered. I wish I would have stopped all this earlier because now its worse. Link to comment
ToF Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 ToF, I do feel a bit hopeless, though I know I have to find my way out and stick to it. This man somehow became like an addiction to me and now I'm struggling to break free because my emotions and thoughts are so scattered. I wish I would have stopped all this earlier because now its worse. It's common for those in abusive relationships to become codependent on their abusers. It's a twisted, scary truth, which is why you should seriously consider getting therapy for yourself. Yes, this has gone very far, but you're not in too deep to get yourself out. It will take considerable effort on your part to put the pieces of your life back together, now that this relationship has torn it apart. It's a daunting and scary task ... but countless other women have completed it successfully. On the other hand, countless other women have chosen not to, and have ended up with ruined lives or worse. He's given you an option: his way or the highway. I say you pick the highway and don't look back. Link to comment
dramallama Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 It sounds like his views of women are from the stone ages! He is obviously a very scared little boy inside who is so insecure that he needs to put others down and control everything. Just get out of this relationship. Maybe someone else with more experienced advice on leaving abusers can help, but just leave. Can you go while he is at work? Then if you ever ever ever need to meet him again (for a legal reason) ask one or two strong family members to be there to protect you, or even organise for the police to be there. This may sound drastic but he sounds very unstable, and I have no doubt that if you "pushed his buttons" enough, (like by saying that you are leaving) that he would physically abuse you... or worse. If he was actually remorseful then it's possible that he might change, but he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. If you do leave (and I hope so) he will try to sweet talk his way back, saying that he can change. DO NOT go back. Please leave before there are children involved. It's not too late. In a few years you will wonder what you saw in this person. There's a loving, stable, equal relationship out there for you. Link to comment
Nothisdoormat Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Justaglimmer, What you've experienced from your abusive BF is just a glimpse of what is to come if you remain in a dictatorship - -- I mean -- relationshp with him. Forget about seeking counseling for him. Please seek counseling for YOU. He's abusive and it will not get better - only worse. I was in this type of relationship over 10 years ago and was verbally, physically & sexually abused by a man who was outta control. You can't change them, you can't pray them well, and you should not sign over your lease on life to them. Get out now while you have a great opportunity to do so. The convo you have had with him should be the "straw that broke the camel's back." Link to comment
Lonewing Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 NC FTW We're here for you girl!! You know what you gotta do - stay the Course!!! Link to comment
justaglimmer Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 Thanks so much to everyone who's replied to me. I get so angry about the situation because he sets me up to fail. I have to constantly watch my words, and then he still takes things the wrong way and misinterprets everything I say. I have really been trying with this guy, I never belittle him like that.. and I never nag him or talk down to him. The only time I ever speak up is when he starts lashing out at me and I make an effort to stand up for myself. I'm not perfect but there is no good reason for him to be so angry at me all the time. Sure, there were things I would have done differently in the beginning when we first met, but I can't continuously be punished for all that. I wish I had recorded our conversations sometimes. One of our last fights had really ticked me off. He had offered to come and see me either late that night or the next morning. He has never offered to come see me in the morning hours unless he had to be at work later that day. I replied with "tomorrow morning? I thought you were off work tomorrow?" in which he snapped and said "Oh well I wont worry about seeing you at all if I have to go by certain hours."... I replied with "Noo, You can see me whenever you want, you just usually dont make morning plans unless you have to work that day, thats all, just caught me off guard, its no big deal, morning's fine by me. What time do you want to be here in the morning?"... There was a long pause and then he was like "No, don't worry about it. I don't think I'll come over at all now." I pleaded with him that I didn't mean anything by the comment, he eventually just hung up the phone. Literally set up to fail. Link to comment
delsolar16 Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 "No, don't worry about it. I don't think I'll come over at all now.". Ahh, that passive-aggressive * * * * irks me to no end. How old is he? Link to comment
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