delsolar16

It’s interesting how you say that you are superior to me partly because you have more friends than me, and then say that you used me because you were really lonely. Do you ever hear yourself speak? The immaturity shines through in your email. It’s like you just wanted to think of as many insults as you can and shove them in to a few paragraphs because you were angry. Did you ever realize that during this whole relationship, almost everything was about you? You wanted to complain about school almost every day we talked. I listened. You were in pain and needed someone to talk to. I was there. Remember when I finished my first medical school interview and you were the first one I called as soon I could get to my phone? Remember what you said when I tried to talk to you about it? “Nick, let me call you back later. I’m watching the Colbert/Stewart rally on TV right now, and it’s a once in a lifetime thing. We can talk about your interview anytime.” And then when we talked two hours later, instead of apologizing, it ended up being a two-hour long discussion about how I was a burden to you. I always wanted to know what you wanted. I wanted to be as close to perfect as I could for you. I grew my hair out because you said you would like it better. I grew a beard because you said you had always wanted a boyfriend who had one. I ran 6 miles a day and worked my abs out for 3 months so I could look good when I got there for you. I get there and you don’t even want to shave your legs. It would inconvenience you too much and you just don’t like to do it. And then you say that I should gain weight, because you want to feel dainty around me like you have felt with your other ex-boyfriends. And remember how I stayed up and did my best to take care of you. And then the next day I was exhausted and taking a nap. I heard you come in and so I woke up so I could spend time with you. You asked if I wanted a sandwich and I said sure. You looked back at me as you were walking to the kitchen with this awful expression on your face and said “Uhh...are you expecting me to make it and bring it to you?” I’m sorry to be so presumptuous. I forgot that you are to never do anything for me. You never have. Why should I have thought that at the time? My mistake. I’m not like you. When I’m angry, I don’t say things I don’t mean. I don’t try to inflict emotional pain on you. I don’t want to hurt your feelings and make you feel miserable. But you are 21, and for some reason you had me convinced that you were mature. I guess part of me just wanted to believe it even though I had no evidence to support it. And remember when I visited you and you kept saying that I should move to be with you, and we started looking for jobs online? And then two days later you said that I shouldn’t move. And then two weeks after that you said I should move, and started sending me all of these jobs that I could apply for. And then I applied for them, and did a phone interview, and was basically offered the job. I thought you’d be ecstatic when I told you I had a job lined up, but you weren’t. You changed your mind again and said I shouldn’t move. You don’t feel things as deeply as I do. When you dropped me off at the airport after my first visit, I cried. You said it was a turnoff and “What kind of person cries in public? Do you have no shame?” That will always strike me as something that is completely odd about you. You should have given me a list of emotions I am not allowed to express in a public place. That would have been helpful. Remember that letter you wrote me? I watched you cry over skype as you read it silently to yourself before you sent it. You wrote how you have every intention of spending the rest of your life with me. You said that you had wanted to tell me that you loved me a long time before you actually did. You said that for so long you had been emotionally dead, but I made you feel again. You said I brought you back from the dead, and that your mom is happy to finally have her daughter back. That was all temporary though wasn’t it, because soon after that, you could never express any emotions towards me. You could never communicate to me how you really felt. You would always say “I don’t know” when I asked how you felt. And 3 weeks after you sent me that letter you were completely gone emotionally from the relationship. Every time I go out on to the back patio and look at the swing we have, I always think about how I sat on that swing one Sunday morning and talked to you on the phone. During that conversation you said you would never lie, cheat, or ignore me. It meant so much to me. I didn’t even ask you to say it…you just said it. It’s strange how quickly your feelings change and how easily you can break promises. You never wanted me to be happy. After we broke up and kept calling each other for the next two weeks, you hated it every time I sounded happy. Remember when you called me and I was driving to go play tennis with my friends and I was having a really good day? It really got to you, and out of nowhere you said “So my mom really hates you.” You wanted to bring me down. And then I said I don’t want to be torn down and I want to continue to have a good day, so I got off the phone with you. And then you sent me a text that said “you are losing me.” Nice try. I can be happy without you…I’m allowed. And then we talked later at midnight and I was trying to tell you about this really happy moment I had during while I was driving home from Fayetteville and you kept saying “why would those things make you happy? That’s weird. It’s not normal.” You never supported my interests. In fact, they were a turnoff for you. What I don’t get it is why you would get in to a relationship with me even though you knew these things about me beforehand. You hate that I play golf. I don’t get it. You hate it, and yet you’ve never set foot on a golf course. But apparently you hate it enough to hold it against me and make you think less of me. You refused to ever go on a golf course with me. What happened to taking an interest and supporting me with my hobbies? Whenever you told me you liked racing, I started researching, watching videos, watching races, talked to you about it. I was trying to learn all I could about the sport so you could share your interest with me. Not once would you ever consider doing that. You are selfish. You couldn’t believe that I would “be so stupid” as to believe in a god when I was 16. And now you hold that belief against me as if I still do. That is crazy. You’re the one going to a naturopath and taking homeopathic remedies. If you only knew how stupid you were for taking them, but I never said anything. I never held it against you, because I knew you were desperate to find a cure for what you have. That’s how people get trapped in worthless alternative medicine. It will never make you better. How could you use me for the last two weeks that we talked? You strung me along day after day, saying you didn’t know if you wanted to get back together or not. You said you wanted to see me one more time. And then the moment you meet somebody else, you send me a text saying that we shouldn’t talk anymore. How mature of you. But you never really cared when you hurt me, so why should I have expected anything different. Did you ever notice how every time you would have a problem, I could sense it even though you weren’t telling me? And then it would hurt me, and when I tried to talk to you about it, you made me feel like my feelings were “wrong”. Like I shouldn’t be feeling what I’m feeling. And then you’d get mad at me, and after some great manipulating on your part, I would end up apologizing by the end of the conversation. Have you realized how many times you’ve apologized to me in the past? I could count them on one hand. It’s something you rarely do. I would love for you to one day realize that your very last words to me were completely and utterly, over-the-top vindictive and hurtful. I would love for you to call me or send me an email and apologize for what you said and tell me that you were being immature and selfish and that you didn’t mean any of those things. But I know you won’t. You aren’t big enough. And you also aren’t mature enough to come to that realization. But that’s what I get for getting involved with a 21 year old isn’t it. You said we shouldn’t talk for the moment because it’s not healthy for either of us. And then I backed off and never said anything. Five days later you write me that scathing email. You said that you met someone else and that you are happy. I know you aren’t happy. He may make you happy sometimes, but you will never truly be happy…it’s not part of who you are. You are a sad, depressed girl who is always in pain. He can’t change that. I remember that one night chatting with you and you said out of nowhere “I wish there was a purpose to life so I wouldn’t randomly and nonchalantly consider taking my own life.” And you stated that you seriously consider it sometimes. I had forgotten that I saved that conversation and emailed it to myself. I must have seen a huge red flag at the time. Your email also showed me that you haven’t moved on, and that you are trying to convince yourself to hate me so you can get over me. Good luck with that. I don’t quite know exactly what you can hate about me. Every time you mention something you don’t like about me, it’s so insignificant like you’re just grasping at straws – trying to think of anything you can to convince yourself. When you start talking to new boyfriends about problems that you had with your ex’s, you will tell them of those that treated you badly, that never cared about you, that were always jerks to you and had no ambition in life. And then you’ll think of me, and what will you say?

I remember one of the very first things you ever said to me when we met was "Well, to be honest...I think I'm pretty awesome". I mistook your narcissism for confidence and healthy self-esteem. You are so in love with yourself. I realize now that really all you want is a replica of yourself but with a penis. He would be your perfect match wouldn't he.

I know you loved me. I know you appreciated me at one point in our relationship. I know you found me attractive, and interesting, and smart. I know you realize I always treated you well. I always put you first, I told you that so many times. I was special to you. You enjoyed my company. You were lonely when I met you, but always had many guys wanting to talk to you. You didn’t like talking to them; you liked talking to me. It’s why you spent 6 hours a day communicating with me for the first 3 months. You really wanted me to fly up there to see you. You were nervous and hesitant, but you wanted it. You loved when I was there the first time. You couldn’t stop looking at me the first night. You stared at me for hours and smiled. We held each other’s hands while we lied in bed. We touched. We kissed. We loved. I gave you an emotional high for so long. You emailed your mom telling her about me and how happy you were. You have never felt towards another guy how you felt about me. You would always randomly text me to say how much you loved me. You stayed up so late every night to talk to me. You weren’t bored. You said you could listen to me talk forever. You stared at me over the webcam and would just smile and throw temper tantrums in your head because you couldn’t be next to me and touch me. You loved me and wanted me for so long. You were happy.

It’s interesting how you say that you have been using me this whole time because you are so lonely, and then you go on to tell me that you are superior to me partly because you have more friends than I do. Do you ever hear yourself speak? The immaturity shines through in your email. It’s like you just wanted to think of as many insults as you can and shove them in to a few paragraphs because you were angry. Did you ever realize that during this whole relationship, almost everything was about you? You wanted to complain about school almost every day we talked. I listened. You were in pain and needed someone to talk to. I was there. Remember when I finished my first medical school interview and you were the first one I called as soon I could get to my phone? Remember what you said when I tried to talk to you about it? “Nick, let me call you back later. I’m watching the Colbert/Stewart rally on TV right now, and it’s a once in a lifetime thing. We can talk about your interview anytime.” And then when we talked two hours later, instead of apologizing, it ended up being a two-hour long discussion about how I was a burden to you. I always wanted to know what you wanted. I wanted to be as close to perfect as I could for you. I grew my hair out because you said you would like it better. I grew a beard because you said you had always wanted a boyfriend who had one. I ran 6 miles a day and worked my abs out for 3 months so I could look good when I got there for you. I get there and you don’t even want to shave your legs. It would inconvenience you too much and you just don’t like to do it. And then you say that I should gain weight, because you want to feel dainty around me like you have felt with your other ex-boyfriends. And remember how I stayed up and did my best to take care of you. And then the next day I was exhausted and taking a nap. I heard you come in and so I woke up so I could spend time with you. You asked if I wanted a sandwich and I said sure. You looked back at me as you were walking to the kitchen with this awful expression on your face and said “Uhh...are you expecting me to make it and bring it to you?” I’m sorry to be so presumptuous. I forgot that the you are to never do anything for me. You never have. Why should I have thought that at the time? My mistake. I’m not like you. When I’m angry, I don’t say things I don’t mean. I don’t try to inflict emotional pain on you. I don’t want to hurt your feelings and make you feel miserable. But you are 21, and for some reason you had me convinced that you were mature. I guess part of me just wanted to believe it even though I had no evidence to support it. And remember when I visited you and you kept saying that I should move to be with you, and we started looking for jobs online? And then two days later you said that I shouldn’t move. And then two weeks after that you said I should move, and started sending me all of these jobs that I could apply for. And then I applied for them, and did a phone interview, and was basically offered the job. I thought you’d be ecstatic when I told you I had a job lined up, but you weren’t. You changed your mind again and said I shouldn’t move. You don’t feel things as deeply as I do. When you dropped me off at the airport after my first visit, I cried. You said it was a turnoff and “What kind of person cries in public? Do you have no shame?” That will always strike me as something that is completely odd about you. You should have given me a list of emotions I am not allowed to express in a public place. That would have been helpful. Remember that letter you wrote me? I watched you cry over skype as you read it silently to yourself before you sent it. You wrote how you have every intention of spending the rest of your life with me. You said that you had wanted to tell me that you loved me a long time before you actually did. You said that for so long you had been emotionally dead, but I made you feel again. You said I brought you back from the dead, and that your mom is happy to finally have her daughter back. That was all temporary though wasn’t it, because soon after that, you could never express any emotions towards me. You could never communicate to me how you really felt. You would always say “I don’t know” when I asked how you felt. And 3 weeks after you sent me that letter you were completely gone emotionally from the relationship. Every time I go out on to the back patio and look at the swing we have, I always think about how I sat on that swing one Sunday morning and talked to you on the phone. During that conversation you said you would never lie, cheat, or ignore me. It meant so much to me. I didn’t even ask you to say it…you just said it. It’s strange how quickly your feelings change. You never wanted me to be happy. After we broke up and kept calling each other for the next two weeks, you hated it every time I sounded happy. Remember when you called me and I was driving to go play tennis with my friends and I was having a really good day? It really got to you, and out of nowhere you said “So my mom really hates you.” You wanted to bring me down. And then I said I don’t want to be torn down and I want to continue to have a good day, so I got off the phone with you. And then you sent me a text that said “you are losing me.” Nice try. I can be happy without you…I’m allowed. And then we talked later at midnight and I was trying to tell you about this really happy moment I had during while I was driving home from Fayetteville and you kept saying “why would those things make you happy? That’s weird. It’s not normal.” You never supported my interests. In fact, they were a turnoff for you. What I don’t get it is why you would get in to a relationship with me even though you knew these things about me beforehand. You hate that I play golf. I don’t get it. You hate it, and yet you’ve never set foot on a golf course. But apparently you hate it enough to hold it against me and make you think less of me. You refused to ever go on a golf course with me. What happened to taking an interest and supporting me with my hobbies? Whenever you told me you liked racing, I started researching, watching videos, watching races, talked to you about it. I was trying to learn all I could about the sport so you could share your interest with me. Not once would you ever consider doing that. You are selfish. You couldn’t believe that I would “be so stupid” as to believe in a god when I was 16. And now you hold that belief against me as if I still do. That is crazy. You’re the one going to a naturopath and taking homeopathic remedies. If you only knew how stupid you were for taking them, but I never said anything. I never held it against you, because I knew you were desperate to find a cure for what you have. That’s how people get trapped in worthless alternative medicine. It will never make you better. How could you use me for the last two weeks that we talked? You strung me along day after day, saying you didn’t know if you wanted to get back together or not. You said you wanted to see me one more time. And then the moment you meet somebody else, you send me a text saying that we shouldn’t talk anymore. How mature of you. But you never really cared when you hurt me, so why should I have expected anything different. Did you ever notice how every time you would have a problem, I could sense it even though you weren’t telling me? And then it would hurt me, and when I tried to talk to you about it, you made me feel like my feelings were “wrong”. Like I shouldn’t be feeling what I’m feeling. And then you’d get mad at me, and after some great manipulating on your part, I would end up apologizing by the end of the conversation. Have you realized how many times you’ve apologized to me in the past? I could count them on one hand. It’s something you rarely do. I would love for you to one day realize that your very last words to me were completely and utterly, over-the-top vindictive and hurtful. I would love for you to call me or send me an email and apologize for what you said and tell me that you were being immature and selfish and that you didn’t mean any of those things. But I know you won’t. You aren’t big enough. And you also aren’t mature enough to come to that realization. But that’s what I get for getting involved with a 21 year old isn’t it. You said we shouldn’t talk for the moment because it’s not healthy for either of us. And then I backed off and never said anything. Five days later you write me that scathing email. You said that you met someone else and that you are happy. I know you aren’t happy. He may make you happy sometimes, but you will never truly be happy…it’s not part of who you are. You are a sad, depressed girl who is always in pain. He can’t change that. Your email also showed me that you haven’t moved on, and that you are trying to convince yourself to hate me so you can. Good luck with that. I don’t quite know exactly what you can hate about me. When you start talking to new boyfriends about problems that you had with your ex’s, you will tell them of those that treated you badly, that never cared about you, that were always jerks to you and had no ambition in life. And then you’ll think of me, and what will you say?