justaglimmer Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 I haven't been broken up with my boyfriend for long. We are continuously on/off and push/pull. Things got really ugly and if you read any of my past postings you can see that things took a turn towards emotional abusiveness and maybe our time was just finally up. Its hard though, because its almost like I haven't accepted it yet. I don't feel very much... It's like I'm lifeless. Maybe I have this hope in the back of my head that he's coming back and he's going to work on things with me, but he sees me as the problem, so why would he come back, right? I guess I'm just in a lot of denial and I'm scared of what's next, which is the unknown. I feel very weird, like literally the life has been sucked out of me.. just zombie-like. There's no contact between us right now which adds to this weird feeling. I wish I could just be crying on the floor with tissues all around me, at least then I would be accepting and mourning it out. Its like I'm stuck in neutral, but perhaps I'm being silly.. I guess with enough time, acceptance will come. I guess other than to vent, my point of this post is to ask all of you... how did you feel when the breakup was still fresh and new? How did you deal? Right now I know its really hard for me in the mornings.. waking up and having the pain rush back is pretty intense. The rest of the day is spent in boredom, staring at the phone which never rings. Link to comment
miss_sunshine86 Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 I am keeping the TV on all the time - even at night when i'm trying to sleep. I am just doing nothing apart from watching tv and using the internet. I am going back to work on Thursday so just hoping I am ready for that because I don't wanna call in sick and risk loosingmy career for this man. Link to comment
Larayn Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 Hi When I broke up with my ex-boyfriend a coupl of years ago, I remember being in that exact state of mind that you describe - zombie-like. Knowing that everything has changed, but not quite feeling it... This might seem really cliché (but it is true), time is your friend here. After some time the realization will come, and you will cry, and then after some more time you will be ok I spend my first couple of days lying on my bed listening to the radio (and all the sad love songs in the world). Eventually I took up running - it was a nice way to get out of the house, and being active helped with all the frustrations... I hope this helped... Link to comment
miss_sunshine86 Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 try and maybe do one constructive thing a day- i.e . have a nice bath, go to the gym , go for a walk, write.. just one thing. Link to comment
kate1985 Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 i've been on this forum alot...one thing that helps me is writing in a journal. also try watching movies, comedies especially. and there's always your friends and family to support you. to be honest, after we first broke up, I did nothing with my life. I stayed in bed, didn't eat, cried all day...my friends had to force me just to get out of bed. Link to comment
danslenoir Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 I haven't coped particularly well at all. I'm on day 3. I hit the bottle on day 1 and that numbed the immediate pain. I saw some friends for a couple of hours on day 2 which was a helpful distraction between watching TV I can't properly concentrate on and sitting watching the clock tick by and waiting for her to appear on IM so I could get a few minutes of momentary relief when she spoke to me and asked how I was doing, inevitably followed by feelings of complete wretchedness. Today, on day 3, I have cried a lot, and watched the clock tick by waiting for her to appear on IM so I could get a few minutes of momentary relief when she spoke to me and asked how I was doing, inevitably followed by feelings of complete wretchedness. I can barely stomach a few mouthfuls of food because it makes me feel so nauseous. Pathetic I know. Tomorrow is my first day back at work since Xmas Eve, so hopefully that will provide some distraction. Link to comment
Hammer540 Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 I think it is important to focus on yourself right now...I have plenty of experieince in the breakup department...right now you are in shock...it is a loss...may be a good thing that it happened, which it sounds like by your message, so number one you have to stop looking at what could have been and look at it more as what should have never been...love is not supposed to be painful or confusing...it isnt supposed to be a mind game or create feelings of uncertainty...it is supposed to be easy and gentle...yes it is normal to have disagreements, but it is not normal to be in an emotionally abusive relationship...however, I know you are grieving your loss and your question is how do I deal with it...I think you need to look inside yourself and understand why you would gravitate to someone who treats you like this so that you dont make the same mistake and go back to him again...seek some counselling, it is good for the soul to see inside yourself and be able to recognize faults you may have...good luck to you! Link to comment
justaglimmer Posted January 3, 2011 Author Share Posted January 3, 2011 Good suggestion, heartbroken310, doing at least one thing a day... maybe I'll be able to manage that. Right now I have that "why bother?" state of mind but I know I'm going to have to come out of that. I don't have a job to keep me occupied right now, I'm a student and still on holiday break for another week, hopefully when classes start back I'll feel like going and use school as a way to focus on things other than him, instead of feeling like I can't get out of bed to make it to class. Thats what I'm scared of, that the grieving is going to hit hard right when my classes start again and I'll be stressed to the max. On the other hand, at least I'll be getting out of the house some. Link to comment
justaglimmer Posted January 3, 2011 Author Share Posted January 3, 2011 you have to stop looking at what could have been and look at it more as what should have never been...love is not supposed to be painful or confusing...it isnt supposed to be a mind game or create feelings of uncertainty. Very wise and so very true. Link to comment
miss_sunshine86 Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 yeah and when school starts put all your energy in that. so use your time before hand to relax and look after yourself but still do one little thing a day Link to comment
iwannarun Posted January 3, 2011 Share Posted January 3, 2011 The first week sucks, plain and simple. It seems like it takes FOREVER for the day to end...and sleep doesn't help either. The only thing I can tell you is...you cope by remembering it WILL get better, and time will heal your pain. Focus on yourself, stay busy (ask friends to make plans with you), and do whatever you can to not think about your ex. I know it's hard...and it seems impossible, but it will get a lot better. Link to comment
Kaytie Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 The first week definitely sucks - eating and sleeping are severely messed up and anxiety is usually through the roof. After that it slowly starts to get better (even if it's just a bit physically better since you're so tired you just crash). It's not an easy road, but trust me when I say it WILL improve. Do something physical if you can, even if it's just for a walk and listening to music or watching funny movies for a distraction. Keep busy and let yourself feel everything right now. Hugs to you....I know it's brutal, but you will get through it. Link to comment
dedem Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 I cried. I ran to my mother who did her best. . I slept on the couch for half a week with the TV on and refused to leave it. I am and have stayed up wicked late to tire myself out even though I need to be up at four. I am and have read constantly to forget my troubles. I didn't much eat for days, just bread and water and a piece of fruit or two, and half a pound of chocolate. I didn't start eating much again until I went to a restaurant during the vacation and ate out of the concern of my family. I took a vacation from my house because I collapsed on the floor in sheer and total pain, crying and not moving until someone came home and found me curled up in a ball in the corner, bawling my eyes out at what would never happen and the harsh reality of truth. And then... I realized I'm starting to move on. I told my ex to give me space for a month or two. I have a long road ahead of me. Classes will distract me, so will this site. I still cry once or twice a day and numb myself via TV, taking my own advice and going out with friends. I am trying to stay afloat, it's been only one day of classes and already I feel drowned like a rat. My only comfort is my TV, this site, and my workout routine. But I believe with a LOT of talking I'll survive... if not, I'm not the woman I thought I was. As for you, let it out in all manner of ways. You are in shock. You are hurting. You can cry. You can scream and flip out and rant in a journal. You can go through bars of chocolate and watch hours of TV and try to slowly numb yourself, and laugh at the pretty pictures or things that are said. If you have to do something you think is crazy, do it. Even if it's walking around the house nude, making yourself completely over, or getting drunk off your arse and having a one night stand with either a man or a gallon of ice cream. Just be sure a friend is there to make sure you don't contact your ex and will keep you from doing stupid things like harming yourself, when you do get drunk. Shower with your clothes on and flip out while eating pie, alternating from crying to laughing, or defile every picture of him/every man in a magazine and return all his gifts to you for cash and blow it off in a day. Gather your friends/family around and have a crap-talk fest about men, or just go out and try to have a decent time. Whatever helps you work off the stress best. And above all else, do something to alleviate your boredom lest you make it worse. And after you've worked all that horrendous stress and pain from your system, or just don't want to anymore, shower, bathe, do things to relax and let go. Sooner or later you'll be fine again and ready to sacrifice your heart for love. Just stay strong. Link to comment
Lonewing Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 The first way you know your love was real, is because when you lose them, it hurts. It's a good thing. But then you have to deal with them no longer being there. I dealt with the lose of my brohter like I dealt with the loss of my ex over a year ago. I got over my brother emotionally in about a week, it took me about 6 months to know I was clean of any feelings I had about her. Bascially, you are on a rollercoaster of highs and lows, but each individual emotion a coaster onto itself. And each coaster has it's highs and lows as well. So you might as well think of your psyche as a 6-flags theme park. My personal favorite coasters, for example, are flat, slow, and they don't go upside down. Those other ones? Serious bad mojo!! But you don't really have much choice which coasters you ride on in the early days and weeks of the breakup - you're simply waking up and poof, you're on a coaster!! You can try to stop it and leave the cars sitting at the top fo the drop, but to do so expends immeasurable personal energy, and it bottles the emotions up inside. And you gotta get those emotions out!!! So recognize when a wave is coming ove ryou,a nd just roll with it until the emotion is exhausted. Once at the bottom, get off, clean yourself up, and pickyourself back up and move forward to the next ride. Now you might not always be able to have a breakdown when you're out at work or in public, so in those places, hold yourself in check. Make time for yourself throughout the day where you CAN go and just cry it out - you'll feel so much better after it's all out!! Hold the coaster for a bit - let yourself know you'll take care of it just as soon as you can. just as soon as you can - and then get it out! If you have to punch something, the floor is always there and it takes it well - pillows are good if you need soemthign to hold. Eventually you'll realize the spurts have more time between them, and they're shorter in length as well. Go out with your friends or fmaily for meals, most of them have been through this once or twice, so they know. Some of them may want to hear NOTHING of your situation - I'd suggest finding someone who WILL listen, and hopefully that person can move you through your grief. You have to reconcile your past, before you can rebuild for your future. I found an amazing friend [his mom,that is] who really helped me through my phase, and we concluded it with what i might learn from this situation and where I might go next - inclduing where I might look for a suitable girl in the future, to avoid these mistakes I made this time around. You'll probably have a lot of things you want to talk to your ex about - so get a notebook and write it all out, all your "Dear John Goodbye, Dear John I love you, Dear John don't ever leave me, Dear John How could you!!??? Dear John we're all THROUGH!" in this notebook and maintain your No Contact wall. Nothing more effective. You'll not have to deal with your foot in your mouth or stuck up his rear, and he will have no reason to think you might go back to him. One time is enough, if you go back, there WILL be a second, or thrid, or fourth or...how many times around do you want to go?? Above all else - keep your appetite in check, and perhaps add a little more exercise than you normally do. It's Good for you!! In this current time of the year, there is nothing better than soup - it FEELS Really good! Link to comment
justaglimmer Posted January 4, 2011 Author Share Posted January 4, 2011 Thanks everyone for your thoughts on all this, its very appreciated. Right now I'm missing him pretty badly. I'm also looking back on all the things I wish I would have done differently and putting myself through the whole "well what if I only did more of this, or less of this?" which I know is very unhealthy but I guess we all go through it. I'm reminiscing and thinking about all the times in the beginning when he was so sweet and let me know every day how much he cared for me. I've been through breakups before that were hard, but this one has me a little extra upset, because in the beginning I actually thought that he was the one.. I thought he was going to be my dream come true, something sent straight from heaven. being let down again actually has me really pissed off. Link to comment
justaglimmer Posted January 4, 2011 Author Share Posted January 4, 2011 The crying finally came tonight. I'm missing him so much. Link to comment
MasterPo Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Endorphins! and emergency chocolate. Not one bit embarassed. lol Link to comment
Lonewing Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 It will probably come every night and for a while - it's Ok, let it out! You might find you're most motivated to right right after or right before - so keep a pad on hand so you don't get tempted to shoot that email at him, or that text at him, or whatever communicaiton you decide to use. And a box of kleanex. and when you're done crying, a nice half oz square of 72% dark chocolate... Link to comment
justaglimmer Posted January 4, 2011 Author Share Posted January 4, 2011 lol funny that you guys mentioned chocolate. I had actually just finished scarfing down a Hershey bar, as it was the only thing I felt like eating and my stomach was growling like crazy. Link to comment
Lonewing Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Tums before meals does wonders too... if you get to that point, of course. Link to comment
Calblee Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 if i can go back in time, i would 1. stop all the pleading, begging, digging of information and desperate measures to win her back 2. walk away high and tall 3. cry all the time because the emotions would be raw and tears would be able to flow 4. cry more and let myself sink into the worst depression as early as possible 5. continue to pose a strong front to the outside world except for a few close friends 6. continue to talk and talk to people am sure that would have allowed me to be in a better place sooner. Link to comment
MissSMcc Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 day 1 i felt like u (zombie-like) it was boxing day so i went to my mums house and had a little chat about it day 2 i cried like a baby day 3 i cried like a baby (again) its now day 9 and i feel a little more human. still hurt, confused, devestated and angry but im forcing myself not to contact him, and im doing small day to day things to distract myself. this forum has been a huge help so stick here and ul get through it. Link to comment
miss_sunshine86 Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Wow MissS - It was boxing day for me too .....we are on the same break up cycle.Its a shame you live far away. X Link to comment
Jewels7 Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 First week or so... cried, cried, cried, cried, didn't get out of bed, quit eating, quit sleeping. After the next week I managed to get myself out of bed. Talked to my family. Saw a counselor, started hanging out with my friends (who work wonders. So if you have a group of really close friends hang out them as much as possible). Movies help (only ones that won't remind you of things!). I read like crazy. I've never been big on self-help books but I pretty much go through those now on a daily basis (about breakups, being single, being happy by yourself, etc). Those seem to help me. Work out! I know everyone says that, but they say that for a reason. It does help. I also took the money that was in our joint savings account (after he took his portion out) and went on a shopping spree with it. That really helped as well It's now been almost 7 weeks since the breakup. I won't lie.. it still hurts and I still cry... but no where like I used to. I'm in between the hopeless and hopeful stage. Some days are better than others. I haven't contacted him once in those 7 weeks. I blocked him from FB, took all his family and friends off, deleted his number from my phone. I am so thankful that I remained strong and never contacted him. I have read the stories on here of people who do, and it only brings more heartbreak. It doesn't do any good. Link to comment
justaglimmer Posted January 4, 2011 Author Share Posted January 4, 2011 good job Jewels7 for going 7 weeks strong! Though my guy and I have been on and off, this is the first time I know its real. He's not tried to contact me like he usual does, and at first I was thinking "oh he's going to call and then I'll at least feel better" but no, no call, no nothing. He sees things as my fault of course, so he thinks he'd be better off without me. He's so good at playing the blame game that I've actually started believing it and I'm starting to beat myself up a little. Its true that there are some things I would have taken back or done differently in the relationship, but hell, I was trying so hard. Every night that goes by and I don't hear from him, has me now realizing the hard truth... its really over. Dealing with life without him now, and dealing with the fact that he doesn't want me back, its got me feeling like I'm slowly but surely falling apart. Link to comment
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