Moving in?

[agualibre777]

So, I have been dating my boyfriend now for 7 almost 8 months. He has been out of the country with his family for the last three weeks and our communication has been spotty. I am staying at his place, taking care of his cat. Essentially for the last couple of months, I've gradually for all intents and purposes, moved in to his apartment. He has a cat, and so doesn't like to leave her for a long time, as she gets lonely so I've been staying here.

 

He is in graduate school, his last semester of work on thesis, and it is very stressful. He'd been having panic attacks, depression, and for a while, problems with sexual intimacy because he was too stressed out. So we dealt with a lot of hard stuff before he left but both continued to stay the course and remain committed to working on issues.

 

Now, I found out I have to either renew my lease or give notice. They said 12/26 but I told them my bf is away and we have to talk and so they extended it to 1/6, the day after he gets back. We spoke last night on the phone and he said because of the amount of work he has to do, and how far behind he has gotten on work because his family hasn't let him work there, he can't take the time to move, but I could move in his place.

 

My question is: is it too soon to make a commitment like that in a relationship? If I move in, then when he has to get a job, we may need to move again in August. His next semester is going to be very difficult for him emotionally, perhaps the most difficult time in his life. Should I move in with him at this time or does it cause unnecessary strain. The benefit is we would save a lot of money and time/effort going back and forth, in addition to not wasting food all the time. Plus, I want to be around him. But will being around him, make our sexual intimacy issue worse? We haven't had that problem fixed long enough for me to know it is really fixed. It could resurface again with all his stress in his job.

[sidehop]

I'd say it's too soon considering the situation he's in and the schedule is very unstable. You maybe putting yourself at risk right when you're unsure of the relationship itself. If things don't pan out the way you two want or his depression and stress blows out of proportion it could all end in a disaster.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Why not conduct your life around yourself rather than around your boyfriend. Everything seems to revolve around him..you running over there all the time, you looking after his cats, you moving your stuff in there. Perhaps it is time to think about your life and your needs and your schedule. Keep your independence and maintain your own apartment..because he has made it clear that his life revolves around his needs and his schedule, not necessarily around you. Of course, I do understand that graduate school is stressful..but if you move in with him you may find yourself cooking and picking up the slack for him while he goes on his merry way doing his own thing.

[Batya33]

I don't think moving in would have anything to do with a relationship commitment-it would be a financial commitment (you committing to pay part of the rent/expenses). I wouldn't do it if I were you given the situation you described. It's great that you're "committed to working on issues"but I have to say -after only 8 months together if the mindset is that rather than "committed to continuing to enjoy each other/have fun" I see some red flags which likely could be worse if you move in with the expectation that is is relevant to strengthening your commitment.

[RedDress]

I agree. I don't think it would be wise to move in at this time.

 

Your bf kind of sounds like he is "ok" with you moving in as opposed to wanting you to move in. Moving in together is (to me) a pretty big thing... It's a lot of work to move... it adds stress and pressure to the relationship... and the relationship you are describing doesn't sound all too stable.

 

What if he doesn't find a job immediately after graduation? Won't his last semester be even MORE stressful?

 

I think you should renew your lease for another year.

[generaldiscord]

My first opinion is that you should never make big changes in the hopes that it will somehow make the relationship grow stronger. You should wait until everything is comfortably smooth before moving in together, getting married, having babies, or buying a house.

 

My second opinion is that part of good relationship communication is saying immediately and clearly when you're ready. "I love you and I want to move in with you" is pretty clear, as is "I think things will be much easier when you're done with your thesis". You should be aware that most of the burden will be on you, as he's busy now, and that until his thesis is done you won't get any more attention from him than you do now. But if you're aware and fine with that, I say go for it.

[KittyBoo]

It's too soon. Renew your lease for another year and then see where things are at a year from now.

[lady00]

I think you could end up regretting moving in with him whereas if you keep your own place for the next year I think you will appreciate each having your own space. If the relationship works out you'll have the whole rest of your lives to live together.

[WockaWocka]

I agree with others on waiting. In addition to the very good reasons already mentioned it won't necessarily save you money in the long run. If you give up some furniture and housestuffs when you move in because he already has everything and if things don't work out then you have to buy new stuff all over again (in addition to double moving expenses). Or consider if he doesn't find a job and needs you to pay rent. Or one of you breaks the lease early and the other person is stuck trying to pay it. And so on.

 

At the very least if you do move in together you should have an explicit discussion about how you'll handle the financial side of things if something goes wrong, maybe even write a letter of understanding. It might seem overly formal now but could be a real lifesaver if it doesn't work out.

 

Good luck.

[agualibre777]

I guess I did paint our relationship as unstable, but really it is not.... We have dealt with serious issues, true, but we do have an amazing relationship. All my friends think our relationship is amazing, people working at cafes comment on how good we are together and how happy we seem... It is just that right now times are hard for him.

 

I spoke with a couple of good friends, they thought it was not unwise to live together but just that I need to know what I need and can accept. They both thought that he should live with me because my place is more comfortable and it gives me morecontrol over the situation. It is true that right now I have been making more sacrifices for the relationship, but my schedule has been more flexible....

 

I think at this point I will suggest he sublet his apartment, that I will look for someone for him so he can focus on his work, I will sell his futon for him...etc...

[agualibre777]

Yeah I reread what I wrote. He and I both agree that I have made most of the sacrifices.... He says he wants to work ten hours a day starting early, so he can have time to see me every night. He says if I don't want to move with him that he can spend more time at my place and see about bringing the cat with him for extended stays...so it is more fair. He knows the situation is unfair. Alternatively he can move in with me, so if he has to move for his job again, that I am not the only one making sacrifices. I think what I will do is, if he doesn't want to move in with me, I will move somewhere with cheaper rent. But if he moves in with me, I will help and he can do it gradually over the next couple of months

[Snny]

He is in graduate school, his last semester of work on thesis, and it is very stressful. He'd been having panic attacks, depression, and for a while, problems with sexual intimacy because he was too stressed out. So we dealt with a lot of hard stuff before he left but both continued to stay the course and remain committed to working on issues.

 

Until he gets these issues resolved, I strongly suggest you do not move in with him. These problems will not go away if you move in and will cause serious tension toward your relationship.

[lady00]

I don't understand the rush to move in.

[Batya33]

I don't understand the rush to move in.

 

I do -the OP sees it as a sign of increased commitment which is unrealistic in my opinion.

[agualibre777]

The issues with panic attacks/anxiety and related depression are purely related to his thesis/advisor issues. They went away for awhile when he left the country until his advisor started sending him emails demanding more work and now he has to make a presentation when we leave the country. His advisor has never responded about what he needs to do for his thesis and is not at all forthcoming about his liklihood to graduate. He vacillates between worries that his advisor will fail him or is trying to make him leave through this kind of torture, etc etc. He eats his head up thinking about it. He is seeing a therapist, and is committed to finding a schedule that will minimize the effects the stress has on him and us. I mean, essentially he is having a difficult time, but we still have a good time together. We still enjoy each other. Despite all that!

 

The reason I would like us to live together is that we pretty much already do, but it's annoying just due to logistical issues of moving stuff back and forth, cooking at two different places, etc. We basically have been living together, just not sharing grocery bills, rent, etc. If I do not move in with him, I will probably choose to move out of my place anyways because the rent is just too expensive for me. So there is the financial aspect of it as well, if we share rent, then I can pay off my student loans easier. I don't know. I'm not in a rush per say, it was more rushed by the fact that I have to sign a lease and I'm basically not even living there. That's all.

 

In addition, we are talking about moving together when he gets a job; living together before we move off I think would allow us to adjust to living with each other, so the whole adjustment of moving AWAY and living together would be minimized, practically speaking.

 

I spoke with a couple of my best friends, very wise, intelligent people, who know me and my boyfriend well (in addition to everything I told you about his panic attacks/anxiety) and they thought it was not an unwise decision to live together. I'm not sure why people on here react in complete opposite to my real life confidants but maybe it is because they see us together...

[agualibre777]

I do -the OP sees it as a sign of increased commitment which is unrealistic in my opinion.

 

It is a commitment to live together, but that isn't WHY I would.

[agualibre777]

I am thinking to not move in together now. Mostly cause I don't want to live in his place and it'll be too much of a pain for me to organize all his stuff for him. I'm thinking to go move in a different apt (since my lease is up) and just wait until he and I move away together and then we can get a spot with the appropriate amount of space and without this craziness of his thesis. It would have been nice to have a good practice run before moving away though.

But whatever, it's not about being in a rush, it's about enjoying eachothers company and wanting to spend time together....... I love him, that's all.

[Snny]

The issues with panic attacks/anxiety and related depression are purely related to his thesis/advisor issues. They went away for awhile when he left the country until his advisor started sending him emails demanding more work and now he has to make a presentation when we leave the country. His advisor has never responded about what he needs to do for his thesis and is not at all forthcoming about his liklihood to graduate. He vacillates between worries that his advisor will fail him or is trying to make him leave through this kind of torture, etc etc. He eats his head up thinking about it. He is seeing a therapist, and is committed to finding a schedule that will minimize the effects the stress has on him and us.

Awesome that he is seeing a therapist and is working out the issues going on in grad school. However, these issues have not been resolved still. He needs to focus on finishing school with less distractions. Moving in could possibly distract him and add more stress. With the emotional issues that are going on, it will impact your relationship if he is living in tight quarters with you.

 

The reason I would like us to live together is that we pretty much already do, but it's annoying just due to logistical issues of moving stuff back and forth, cooking at two different places, etc. We basically have been living together, just not sharing grocery bills, rent, etc. If I do not move in with him, I will probably choose to move out of my place anyways because the rent is just too expensive for me. So there is the financial aspect of it as well, if we share rent, then I can pay off my student loans easier.

I can understand this reason of wanting to move in since I was recently in that situation before, but speaking with experience it is not the best reason. You move in because you are mostly sure the person you are with is the one you want to marry. Once you move in, you are making a sacrifice. It is a big, big commitment to make when you date someone for 7 months. Who covers groceries? Is the rent split 50/50? Which utilities do you cover? And make sure your partner is reliable for making payments on time and agrees to keep the house/apartment tidy just as you do. It's more than just playing house for the convenience of saving money; you're putting a lot of trust into someone you barely know for a year who may not be responsible.

 

I spoke with a couple of my best friends, very wise, intelligent people, who know me and my boyfriend well (in addition to everything I told you about his panic attacks/anxiety) and they thought it was not an unwise decision to live together. I'm not sure why people on here react in complete opposite to my real life confidants but maybe it is because they see us together...

Because a lot of us on ENotAlone have been in a similar situation and faced the growing pains of living together, whether it was too soon or not. Living together changes perspectives on how a partnership works. There is no telling whether a relationship will work out for the best or the worst unless you have got to know someone for years that you can trust them to handle their own business AND work with you. It sounds like you already have your decision set in mind and I wish you luck.

 

I am thinking to not move in together now. Mostly cause I don't want to live in his place and it'll be too much of a pain for me to organize all his stuff for him.

This right here is important. You don't want to move in and play house for a partner who will take advantage of you. As for waiting on him to get a job, wait til you see how well he manages his own bills or be expected to pay for most of the monthly costs. The last thing you want is to live with an irresponsible person.

[agualibre777]

Thank you for your reply. I'm still contemplating the issue, really. I am mostly leaning towards not moving in purely for logistical reasons- if we are, as we are thinking, moving in July somewhere (or he is and it's long distance for six months while I fulfill my work obligations- depending on the salary comparison to my work job), then it would be a pain to move twice really.

 

He *is* someone that I am seriously thinking about marriage with.

 

Both of my friends I went to for advice have maintained long term healthy relationships and believe that our relationship is stable and healthy and think he treats me well and are also amazed by how well we get along and connect with each other.

 

I agree that we need to talk finances. I think he and I have different ways of dealing with money. We both come from difficult families, but mine has not been supportive financially, and his is very supportive financially. So, we have different ideas about money. If he wants to make a large purchase, his parents chip in, while I have had to manage totally on my own. He is responsible, but it's true that I am still evaluating the financial compatibility. I told him that when he gets back we need to talk about finances. We are going on a trip to Mexico- he bought the tickets- I've made hotel reservations, etc. We already get our meals together and take turns paying.

 

I thought about the money thing- If we move in together, we will need to open a joint account for bills in which we deposit an equal amount- and use this money for utilities, rent, and groceries. He seems to me to be financially responsible, pays his bills, has no large debt, but I do need to evaluate if he has any tendencies towards unwise purchases, and ability to live within a budget.

 

I know it might seem odd for me to be so sure, but my guy is a very trustworthy person. In worst case scenario, he does something that is upsetting to me, then he takes responsibility for his actions and repairs it. What I'm trying to say is that he has, in the past, done a few things that upset me. He is a very reasonable person, and he takes ownership of his own error and looks for a way to make it right. I'm really impressed by that. He really does take responsibility for himself.

 

If he were to ask me to marry him today, I wouldn't say yes, because we still need to work out finances and family issues first. He is Indian, and while he grew up out of his country, his parents are very traditional, and his mother is very dominating. I will want to know how he will handle difficulty with them.

 

The point is- that I enjoy him very much, he is my best friend, I never get tired of spending time around him, we both are committed to working through issues- this to me is not a red flag. This to me is a great thing. It's not commitment to issues themselves, but working through them, finding solutions during difficult times. Truth is, we are dealing with issues that married people deal with. Marriage is being together through sickness and health.

 

I do believe living together would be trial marriage and we have already agreed that if I were to move with him, there would be a marriage proposal in all that, and engagement. I would not like to move with him without commitment of some kind on his end. He feels that is reasonable.

 

I did tell him I am concerned with him working that the burden of chores will be on me and that I need him to take initiative about such things. He has agreed to cook and clean and such so we share the burden. He maintains a very clean house- he picks up more, I'm more into the indepth cleaning, so we are paired very well in this sense.

 

Anyways, I want to live with him because I also want to be around him more, I would enjoy sharing all these responsibilities with him. But the only way it would work is if he moves in with me, which that is unlikely to happen given the time constraints with work and the possible move six months later. Too much of a pain. If he were to decide he does have the time for it, then I would be happy with him moving in.

[Batya33]

I think it is a mistake to think of living together as a trial marriage and if you want it to include a marriage proposal soon-ish after moving in then moving in knowing that now you would say "no" is also a mistake -making it an audition of sorts is a mistake IMO.

[agualibre777]

Awesome that he is seeing a therapist and is working out the issues going on in grad school. However, these issues have not been resolved still. He needs to focus on finishing school with less distractions. Moving in could possibly distract him and add more stress. With the emotional issues that are going on, it will impact your relationship if he is living in tight quarters with you.

 

I agree that this is a concern... This was my main concern, more than any other. I think because I am uncertain about it- seeing how it WAS getting better before he left the country, but I haven't been around him for three weeks, and I don't know if it will get worse again now that his parents wouldn't let him work as he needed to. This is why the situation really sucks- I have to give my apartment 60 days notice and I don't even know how he will be doing.

.

This is one benefit of him potentially moving in with me- is that there would not be a rush since his lease ends in July and we will be finding someone to sublet anyways. He can decide later and it would give me a chance to really evaluate how he is dealing with his work- if he is able to see a psychiatrist and get some medicine for the anxiety, it might be ideal. We'll see I guess.

[agualibre777]

I think it is a mistake to think of living together as a trial marriage and if you want it to include a marriage proposal soon-ish after moving in then moving in knowing that now you would say "no" is also a mistake -making it an audition of sorts is a mistake IMO.

 

I am not saying that it is an audition. I'm saying it is a trial marriage. In other words, it is in living together that one is able to see the person more clearly and learn more about them- such as the financial aspects, such as how we split the responsibilities. I don't see it as an audition, as much as it is an opportunity to navigate those issues before marriage and see how we can resolve them. It will also make moving away together easier because it will mean less adjustments to deal with. It is a lot to adjust to a new city, new job, new living situation, AND living with your boyfriend/fiance. But if you already have lived with each other, then the adjustment is easier. That's all I'm trying to say.

[agualibre777]

I think it is a mistake to think of living together as a trial marriage and if you want it to include a marriage proposal soon-ish after moving in then moving in knowing that now you would say "no" is also a mistake -making it an audition of sorts is a mistake IMO.

 

oh, just looked on line at why people do trial marriage- or what they mean by it, I don't mean it like that.... No, not at all! When my friend used the term, I caught onto it, but I don't see things that way. I love my guy, I don't have intentions to test the relationship. Sorry for the confusion!

[_Asti_]

Do you both agree on marriage, and children and the time line for those things?

 

I am with those who view moving in together as a stepping stone to further things. Not a "I want to spend more time with them" sort of ordeal. Its wanting to move your lives forward together, and achieve the goals you have as a couple [marriage, family, whatever] together.

 

Moving in together for convenience in my opinion, isn't a good reason.

 

Make sure your long term goals are the same. Make sure you both feel the same about marriage [when will be a good time..] and don't say It's only been 8 months...if you can say that about marriage, maybe you should think the same about living together. These are things you need to figure out, and make sure you are both doing the whole move in together for the same reasons.

 

When I moved in with my fiance [boyfriend at the time..] I knew how we handled situations, the good and bad, I knew the financial aspect, I knew how things would go from dating and taking our time to builda relationship. We discussed things up and down prior to moving in and at great lengths for months and months before we took the step, we talked, we figured out, we sorted it out..When we eventually got our place together [because we were ready for marrage and to start a life together] it was so smooth. There was never any hard times, there was never any 'getting used' to things, there was never any trials or doubts, or going into it wondering if it was going to work. We did it because we KNEW it was going to work.

[agualibre777]

Hi, yes, we have talked about marriage / children / timeline. Since he is hoping to start work in the fall, thinking engagement at that time for a year- get settled, marriage a year later, children at about that time also possibly, or a year later. That's pretty much our thoughts. At first he wanted to wait a bit longer for children, but I'm 31, and he saw my reasoning to have them earlier - more time with them. But we also want some financial stability also. So, that might be hard to do. Basically, we want similar things, but life brings it's own timeline also- if we don't have money, we won't be having babies. You know? So, yeah, that we have talked about.

 

So yes, I don't have family but he does. We both love each other, are both committed to each other, and do talk about all this stuff. It's just the timing isn't great because of the stress he is under. So yeah, not ideal timing really, and I suppose we could make it easier on ourselves by taking a few extra months so he is under less stress and we can also talk about such things as financial issues and family issues. His family is very intensely involved with him and they wouldn't let him talk to me much while he was out of the country. This was very hard and painful for both of us. I need to know that if we get married, he won't let them interfere in such ways with children, etc. That we will live a least a certain distance away from them so they can't get too heavy handed. I didn't realize it was going to be such an issue until he left the country with them. When I met his parents, I didn't realize to what extent how irrational his mother can be. I knew she could be awful, but not THAT awful. He was REALLY sick and she made him sit through extensive religious ceremonies, even though he didn't HAVE to. So, we haven't been able to talk much about it yet. He comes back Wed and we leave together on Friday and we'll have lots of time together to talk!