Just how horrible is labor?

[BellaStranger]

I'm not at all nervous of labour.... Yet!! Lol. I actually have an extremely high pain threshold and a high tolerance for anything as long as I can see the good of it at the end!!

 

My mum said child birth is the single most painful thing she has ever experienced but she said that the second she saw my sister (I was born by c-section due to being 2 months prem & breach) she almost totally forgot about the pain.

 

I'm almost certain I'm going for natural labour- which is insane and not ever what I would have pictured myself doing but it's difficult to explain...it just feels right! Personally, I would rather stick it out for 24 hours than risk the permanent problems that could occur with an epidural...the thought of have a needle injecting in to my spine SO freaks me out, it makes the idea of excruciating pain seem better!!

 

I'm just the kind of girl who never let's fear stop her doing anything. So I choose not to fear it at all...in fact, the new challenges ahead excite me.

[CSLX9]

Indigo777 you worry way to much. You know, if you're worried about wanting one

at 40, why don't you get your eggs frozen. Together with some sperm from your

guy. Then you can get one whenever, in a way. If you wanted you can even get

someone else to give birth, don't forget that. Or have it in a tube... Takes away

the experience, but hey... And society, screw it. Parents? Them too. You're old enough.

Friends should mind their own business too...

[CSLX9]

Oh and I forgot to say, whatever physical longterm or even permanent

damage your body might endure, rest assured medical science advances

all the time and alot of the body is already within our reach, when it

comes to repair.

[Circe]

Indigo777 you worry way to much. You know, if you're worried about wanting one

at 40, why don't you get your eggs frozen. Together with some sperm from your

guy. Then you can get one whenever, in a way. If you wanted you can even get

someone else to give birth, don't forget that. Or have it in a tube... Takes away

the experience, but hey... And society, screw it. Parents? Them too. You're old enough.

Friends should mind their own business too...

 

LOL well you have one thing spot on - I do worry too much

[Circe]

Yes.. well we've set the age of "32" .. I'm just hoping every day when I hit that magical age.. I'll want kids. If I dont - thats when it gets tricky.

 

Maybe the freezing eggs thing is an option.. might talk to the doctor about that..

[Capricorn3]

... and now I'll have to go through this .. horrible, horrible experience. And I dont even want to have a child. Not really. God I feel awful.

If you don't want to have a child, then you should never feel forced into a situation where you'll have one just to please others. Having a child is a BIG thing and changes your life forever. It's not to be taken lightly. If you don't want a child, then don't have one. No matter what anyone thinks.

[lostnscared]

My magical age that we've set is 26. That is a few years away so I'm not too fearful right now about it. It sounds awful, but I still want to go through with it for the child, just not now.

 

But Indigo if you don't want a baby, I can see how the childbirth/labor experience would emphasize that. Honestly if you don't want kids by 32 then by all means I would not recommend having one as it could lead you to resent the baby and all that you went through. 9 months of pregnancy, and hours of labor, followed by 18 years is a LONG haul to consider if you don't even want a child in the first place.

 

I see all of it--as a HUGE responsibility, but one that when the time comes I'm ready, happy, and willing to go for. If you don't feel that way, then maybe having a child isn't right for you? Don't allow you parents, your husband, society, or inlaws to pressure you into a huge decision that you aren't ready for. My reasoning for having kids has little to do with ANY of those things(or any sort of pressure) and has more to do with what I want. At least if you walk into pregnancy "wanting" the baby, it will be a lot easier on you than it is to have a baby you never wanted in the first place.

 

Interesting enough, even with all the comments in here and the awful labor story I read, I still want a child.

[CSLX9]

If you don't want to have a child, then you should never feel forced into a situation where you'll have one just to please others. Having a child is a BIG thing and changes your life forever. It's not to be taken lightly. If you don't want a child, then don't have one. No matter what anyone thinks.

 

Though at the cost of a potentially very good relationship even? Capricorn?

[lostnscared]

Good for you bella! I'm sure with your optimism about it, your labor will go smoothly.

[newwave]

Yes.. well we've set the age of "32" .. I'm just hoping every day when I hit that magical age.. I'll want kids. If I dont - thats when it gets tricky.

 

Maybe the freezing eggs thing is an option.. might talk to the doctor about that..

 

Next time I go to the doctor I am asking about it. I know a few women even into their 40's freezing eggs. Actually I'm thinking of asking her to run a complete physical to see if I can have kids.

[lostnscared]

Though at the cost of a potentially very good relationship even? Capricorn?

 

hmmm... Having a baby is sure a huge sacrifice to compromise on for the sake of even a happy loving relationship. I know those who've done it(some who do RESENT their "so" and the BABY) and others who are happy with it. But I wouldn't make such a huge sacrifice or gamble for such a thing, unless I wanted it. That's just my take. 18 years is a LOOOOOOOONNNNNNNG sacrifice for a loving relationship, and a child WILL have an effect on the relationship(more so than one could ever imagine) if you don't truly want a baby, I imagine it will be much worse than it will if you did. That is why for a lot of people babies are dealbreakers. As a man(no offense) I think it's more difficult to comprehend the idea that you'll have a baby in your belly for 9 months, go through intense labor, than be the nurturer for 18 years... That's a bit much of a sacrifice don't you think? Would you DO that for a loving relationship or would you hope that your "so" could support and accept this about you, especially if when he met you he knew that you weren't too interested in having kids?

[Circe]

But Indigo if you don't want a baby, I can see how the childbirth/labor experience would emphasize that. Honestly if you don't want kids by 32 then by all means I would not recommend having one as it could lead you to resent the baby and all that you went through. 9 months of pregnancy, and hours of labor, followed by 18 years is a LONG haul to consider if you don't even want a child in the first place.

 

 

I know And Capricorn - I know.. people have said this to me before. I'm just worried that when it comes down to it I'll be "unsure". I say "I dont want a child" because.. when I'm unsure about things thats my patent attitude. But the reality is I'm unsure.. and my problem is I'm unsure about everything that could change my life. I was unsure about getting married - and that was the best decision of my life and one I never looked back on. I was unsure about my career change (so unsure I waivered for 5 years). Again - a wonderful decision and once made, havent really looked back except with a tiny amount of nostalgia for the people I left behind.

 

I'm just an "unsure" person when things involve big change because - I love my life. Many years ago I hated my life and was so depressed I think there were times I was even mildly suicidal. And so I value having a life I love .. one thats filled with so much brightness and joy - so much.. that anything that involves change.. I really worry about.

 

So because I know what i mean is deeply unsure - which is how I feel about everything - I could end up in a situation where I think "look, I really just dont know. But I dont ever know.. so .. given how many people want me to do it - I should". But the problem is the consequences of getting this one wrong are SOOOOO bad.

i cant think of anytthing worse for a child than a mother who wishes she hadnt had it. I cant think of anything worse. I would never want to do that to a child.

 

I just truly feel like Im in a bind because my H wants kids - and I love my H more than anything and want him to be happy. But unfortunately, my H feels the same way about me. So having kids or not having kids - is something we'd both do for the other, despite our wishes - for the other to be happy. But then you just end up in a catch 22 dont you? I'd do anything for him and want him to be happy. He'd do anything for me and wants me to be happy. Both beyond our own happiness. And both of us cant accept a situation where the other isnt happy. So what do you do when one wants a kid and the other doesnt? He'd sacrifice that for me - but I couldnt live with him making that sacrifice. I'd have a kid for him - but he doesn't want me to do that if it would make me unhappy.

 

This is why I'm desperately hoping my biological clock starts ticking in the next 3 years

[Capricorn3]

Though at the cost of a potentially very good relationship even? Capricorn?

Speaking for myself only, YES. I feel it will lead to resentment in the relationship. Resenting your partner for "forcing" them to have a child against their wishes. Resenting the child. All of which will lead to a break down in the relationship and could end in divorce. To me, it's not worth it.

[lavenderdove]

I wouldn't go thru major surgery or a root canal without some form of anesthesia, so i see no reason for women to feel obligated to be 'macha' and do natural childbirth as if it is some proof that you're a 'real' woman or a better mother if you do... We live in an age where there are wonderful options to ease the pain, so why not use them? Frankly, women don't need a whole hell of a lot of pain in order to bond properly with their baby!

 

I also know a couple people who attempted natural childbirth and the mother or baby got into trouble in an emergency situation, where they literally had no time to move the mother to an emergency room or give her anesthesia, so they did an emergency caseserian WITHOUT any kind of pain killer at all or else they would have lost mother and baby to the emergency. The mother I talked to was so traumatized by this that she took a long time to bond with her baby, and swore she'd never have another child. If she had already had some anesthesia in her system (already had an epidural hooked up), this terrible thing would not have happened to her and she would not have been so traumatized.

 

So if you're the least bit afraid at all, just get the epidural and don't worry about it, the baby will be fine and you are already prepped in case there is an emergency where they need to do a quick C-section.

[lavenderdove]

btw, many people who write articles about how bad epidurals or another anesthetics during labor are frequently cultlike in their almost religious zeal to follow natural childbirth principles... the vast majority of the scare tactics are NOT based on any science.

 

And if one read the potential side effects of aspirin one would never take it, and there is of course a horror story to be associated with every medical procedure, but the reality is that relative to any other risk in life, and epidural is not overly dangerous nor harmful to babies. The second the child comes out of the womb it will be exposed to hundreds of risk factors far more dangerous than that, so please educate yourself before blindly assuming that one must do natural childbirth or you're someone a 'bad person' or exposing yourself or your baby to undue risks. Frankly, i'd want to be hooked up and ready to go into surgery at the drop of the hat in case the baby gets in undue distress or there is a medical emergency... My own sister in law had a ruptured uterus and uterine artery and would have had to go under the knife without any anesthesia or die if she hadn't already been prepped for it... i know of far far more cases of women/baby getting in trouble during labor and needing surgery than i do any side effects of epidurals, so i would prefer to be in the safer position of being ready to go should the need arise rather than take the chance of having them cut on me with NO anesthesia at all due to an emergency.

[CSLX9]

Haha I know that, I'm the same. It's called indecisiveness.

What about if you reall try to plan for a baby? Make all the preparations possible.

And talk about, but also witness some of the issues that can arise between you

when your child is born. Eventhough some people insist there's no preparing for a baby

[newwave]

I meet many men who desperately want kids, yet they don't realize the sacrifice women make. She's going to be the one who gets comments about her career and whether she wants to keep working (or not), she's going to be the one who will have to deal with the problems with childbirth and pregnancy, etc. So many men want to be dads, but not all are as involved with the baby as the mother. Between feedings (whether or not a woman nurses), changes, etc too many women are stuck doing all the work. I know too many guys who refused to even take off work when she came from the hospital and too many who didn't do anything around the house. Yes there are men who will be just as involved, in fact the one I want would be one of these guys (he helped friends raise babies), but far too many men who want kids, just refuse to diaper or feed the baby. I had this friend who was a religious person who wanted as many kids as possible but he wanted his wife to quit her job and stay at home. I often wonder if he did feedings or diaperings or if he thought that was women's work.

 

Personally while I hope to have a kid, I could not have a child unless I knew a guy would be just as involved, and that includes getting up and 3am for feedings and changes. That includes doing his fair share and rock the baby to sleep, cooking and cleaning, and taking as much time off as possible (hopefully 8 weeks or so). This is the main reason I've avoided having kids because most guys I've met who wanted kids didn't want to do the gross or mundane things associated with them. This is why I am open to adopting if I don't find a guy like this. I am not going to be the one doing everything while he does nothing.

[CSLX9]

This is when everyone who doesn't have a baby right now, says

 

''Sigh, it's hard''

 

In unison.

And then the people who do have babies, well they can

go do the same in their exclusive corner

[Circe]

Haha I know that, I'm the same. It's called indecisiveness.

What about if you reall try to plan for a baby? Make all the preparations possible.

And talk about, but also witness some of the issues that can arise between you

when your child is born. Eventhough some people insist there's no preparing for a baby

 

That's a good idea.. we should do that instead.. I've just been spending some time with a friend who recently had one actually and am pretty alarmed at how much her marriage has taken a hit post-child. Although with them I think the child just exascerbated existing problems and created new ones because of existing issues with communication

[CSLX9]

Aha. Well that's what I witness alot I tell you.

Two people love eachother, get together.

Quickly end up engaged for some reason

and voila married. Woohoo.

Then they have a baby, everything goes directly in the gutter.

They won't talk together.

Divorce.

 

Sooo.. It just seemed awfully logical to have an open, friendly conversation

with whomever you are together with, that if you're going to have a kid, you

have to realize that yes while it can be ever so rewarding like shandi says, there's

an immense amount of effort required, from both people. Both in terms of

taking care of the baby, but also still managing your relationship and

avoiding some stupid pitfalls.

[Circe]

This is when everyone who doesn't have a baby right now, says

 

''Sigh, it's hard''

 

In unison.

And then the people who do have babies, well they can

go do the same in their exclusive corner

 

lol well I did sigh after reading newwaves post Sighed thinking about my friend actually.

 

I know at least with my H he'd help .. he'd change diapers and get up at night.. he's that kind of person. Very conscientious (he does stuff like that for our dog - and he doesnt even like dogs and I said care of dog would all be on me - but even so he does some of it because he wants to help me out). And I think he'd take about 3 months off. He's his own boss so that won't really be a problem. That stuff is a must before I'd go there.

 

But i agree - the sacrifice is very much squarely on the woman's shoulders in terms of the physical labour involved. She has to carry for 9 months and give birth and even with a partner who wanted to share the load.. I suspect the greater load would be the womans in most or many cases. But you know.. thats something you'd definitely have to expect and come to terms with if you did have a kid - or at least work out before hand very precidely what you expected of each other.

 

Although that isnt necessarily enough. My friend's husband just changed once the child was born and demanded things from her she just never would have expected and some things were contrary to what they'd agreed upon before.

[Circe]

Aha. Well that's what I witness alot I tell you.

Two people love eachother, get together.

Quickly end up engaged for some reason

and voila married. Woohoo.

Then they have a baby, everything goes directly in the gutter.

They won't talk together.

Divorce.

 

 

Yup. They were LD. Got married too soon (without properly knowing each other). She had to move accross the globe to live with him. Then came the in-law issues. Then came the terrible communication and awful fights and screaming divorce without meaning it. Then came the baby. Then came him calling her a terrible mother and more screaming divorce and custody arrangements, and constant bickering.

 

:S

[Batya33]

Mostly it felt like bad period cramps for the first 10 hours - wasn't even sure it was real labor for the first 5 hours or so -the lower back pain was bad though. 12 hours later my mother arrived and I was on all fours because of the pain -the cab to the hospital was painful (my husband was flying in from out of town) Once I got the epidural -within an hour of arriving at the hospital - that made things much better although I had a maternal fever. But they lowered the epidural to help me push and that was very painful. Although I pushed for a few hours (I think) they had to do an "almost emergency" C-section -that didn't hurt (post-birth there was some discomfort and pain). So, no, it was not terrible and the joy makes it more than worth it!

[Sanesoul]

My labor would have been fine had I not been induced. I was two weeks overdue, and had to be. My contractions were right on top of each other. As soon as one was dying out, another one would be coming on. No breaks in between...for 11 hours.

 

You betcha I got an epidural.

 

The pain, for me, was like menstrual cramps amplified by 100x. The pressure of her in the birth canal was the worst because pain meds can't do anything for that. It sucked, but damn if I didn't forget all about them once I heard my screaming baby girl and saw her sweet face.

[Sanesoul]

I was lucky in that I did not have an episiotomy either. I had two stitches where her little fingernail scratched me. She had her hand up next to her head as she was coming out. She even latched onto my doctor's finger