My Fiance and Facebook is Driving me CRAZY!! Please Help

[Ms Darcy]

I know I have an insecurity issue, I never denied this, but I can also think that a certain behavior is weird, or abnormal, or not something I would do, which is why I dont understand it. I guess im worried that she has feelings for someone else, and could never act on them because this person now lives far away, and that essentially im second best, I just dont want her to feel like she's settiling, Maybe me thinking all this is an insecurity on my part.

 

You can't control her feelings. All you can do is work on your insecurities versus working on trying to change her. You can think it's abnormal all you want -- it's not. So that's the disconnect.

 

Here's the irony ... the more you worry, question her, push her away, the more she'll start to question her own feelings towards you and wonder if you are the right person. If you stay cool, you don't introduce doubt.

[annie24]

I know I have an insecurity issue, I never denied this, but I can also think that a certain behavior is weird, or abnormal, or not something I would do, which is why I dont understand it. She has never cheated, nor would I have reason to believe she would. I guess im worried that she has feelings for someone else, and could never act on them because this person now lives far away, and that essentially im second best, I just dont want her to feel like she's settiling, Maybe me thinking all this is an insecurity on my part.

 

I don't think it's a case of settling or cheating or feelings for another man. I think it's as Alli describes it - a moment of curiosity or insecurity where she wants to see if the new gf is as hot as her. I think even the most confident person has their moments of insecurity and they sometimes do things (like this!) to boost themselves up.

[soporcogitavi]

First, I just want to say I really appreciate everyone's insight and advice, it really helps. I kow I have an insecurity issue, why exactly im not sure, I guess I just want her to be as sure of her decision as I am, but as you guys mentioned I cant control her thoughts or know them, I can just trust what she's telling me. I dont have facebook, maybe if I did I would think this is more normal. But I guess it just hurt to see her be so "interested" in some guy she dated' life. Maybe in fact its just pure curiosity and there are no emotions, howeverI still dont think it would be fair of me to aske her to delete him, I dont want her to resent me for making her do stuff or think that she is controlled, or have her tip toe around me. I think our relationship is very open for the most part and I want it to continu that way.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I know I have an insecurity issue, I never denied this, but I can also think that a certain behavior is weird, or abnormal, or not something I would do, which is why I dont understand it. She has never cheated, nor would I have reason to believe she would. I guess im worried that she has feelings for someone else, and could never act on them because this person now lives far away, and that essentially im second best, I just dont want her to feel like she's settiling, Maybe me thinking all this is an insecurity on my part.

 

This is very important. Hasn't she earned trust? You know she has but you still worry.

 

As for you being second best, and her "settling" you are assuming that. Maybe you have some confidence issues that make you feel like she would "be settling" with you? That might be a good place to start.

[soporcogitavi]

This is very important. Hasn't she earned trust? You know she has but you still worry.

 

As for you being second best, and her "settling" you are assuming that. Maybe you have some confidence issues that make you feel like she would "be settling" with you? That might be a good place to start.

 

Yes she has earned my trust and there is no reason for me to have lost trust in her.

 

I know that this guy is very good looking, and I'm good looking as well but I guess I feel threatened. I feel threatened that she can look at his pictures anytime she wants or call him , or reminisce about being with him, I just find that he's easily accesible, maybe not physically bu emotionally.

 

After I stop dating someone I usually cut all contact because I dont think its fair for them or for the women in my life to feel that I still have some sort of tie with them, thats just my opinion though.

 

My thinking was that if he was the most interesting guys she had dated before me, why didnt they become a couple, does she regret not going to visit him? These are some of teh questiosn I think about, and I know its not fair that I assume this is an issue on her end.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Yes she has earned my trust and there is no reason for me to have lost trust in her.

 

I know that this guy is very good looking, and I'm good looking as well but I guess I feel threatened. My thinking was that if he was the most interesting guys she had dated before me, why didnt they become a couple, does she regret not going to visit him? These are some of teh questions I think about, and I know its not fair that I assume this is an issue on her end.

 

You can't torture yourself with these thoughts. She's with you, she loves you. She didn't even date this guy. He probably doesn't even hold a candle to you. Why speculate on such awful things?

[soporcogitavi]

I know that this is a negative line of thinking and I have to correct this. I guess my line of thinking just snowballed down this path without me realizing it.

 

After I stop dating someone I usually cut all contact because I dont think its fair for them or for the women in my life to feel that I still have some sort of tie with them, thats just my opinion though.

 

What do you mean by "He probably doesn't even hold a candle to you"[/b]

[OptomisticGirl]

CC means you are better for her than he was, and she knows this and this is why she is with you.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I know that this is a negative line of thinking and I have to correct this. I guess my line of thinking just snowballed down this path without me realizing it.

 

After I stop dating someone I usually cut all contact because I dont think its fair for them or for the women in my life to feel that I still have some sort of tie with them, thats just my opinion though.

 

What do you mean by "He probably doesn't even hold a candle to you"[/b]

 

It's a phrase that means that he is nothing in comparison to you in her eyes.

[soporcogitavi]

I appreciate all the help here, I think its best I just deal with this on my own and work on myself, and stop bringing it up, and I should stop thinking about this as it will only harm our relationship, and I don't think I should ask her to remove him.

[annie24]

I appreciate all the help here, I think its best I just deal with this on my own and work on myself, and stop bringing it up, and I should stop thinking about this as it will only harm our relationship, and I don't think I should ask her to remove him.

 

i think that may be best. it doesn't sound like he is threat in the least.

 

you know, i have lots of people as my 'friends' on facebook, but i never speak to them, and some of them, i'm a bit angry at for whatever reason. still, i don't want them to think i have a 'grudge' against them by defriending them. if that makes any sense.

[ut804]

I don't understand you all. She is checking out EVERY GIRL he becomes friends with. she isn't just looking to see what his girlfriend looks like out of curiosity it is EVERY GIRL he becomes friends with. This shows that she cares. This shows that she has feelings for him. I know because I have done this myself. so i know from experience. when I was with my ex, i was stalkerish/ jealous and would check out every girl he became friends with. if you don't have feelings for the guy, then why would you care who he becomes friends with?? that is just weird.

 

I think her behavior is innappropriate. Checking out an ex's FB once in a while is fine but to check to see every girl he becomes friends with? that is stalking someone and shows that you care/still have feelings.

 

you are not overreacting.

[hers]

For me curiosity is different from care. I know that when I look at my ex's page, I'm doing it because I'm curiois. I have no concern for him but I do chwck bc I'm a curious and nosy person. And I'm happily engaged.

[ut804]

For me curiosity is different from care. I know that when I look at my ex's page, I'm doing it because I'm curiois. I have no concern for him but I do chwck bc I'm a curious and nosy person. And I'm happily engaged.

 

we're not talking about once in a while looking at the ex's page. We're talking about frequent visits and stalking him. she is analyzing his page! I have ex's on my facebook. once in a while i get bored and look at their site. But I'm not going to click on every girl that he becomes freinds with! thats crossing the line and going over the top. thats becoming stalkerish. thats not curiosity! and curiosity would be something like "I wonder what he is generally doing in his life" not going so far as to see every single girl who he becomes friends with and doing frequent visits. in other words, one visit is enough (ok so he has a new job and is married). THAT'S curiosity. when it's a general "what is he up to". Curiosity is NOT "I have to see every girl he becomes friends with and I have to look at his page everyday". do you see the difference??

[derroax]

I definitely can't make generalizations for all women, but for myself and the way I perceive women, I would say it is indeed a "woman thing". I sense that you are rather looking for a confirmation of what you're feeling, and it seems that it would take a lot to convince you otherwise. It is not uncommon for people even to keep in touch with exes, it doesn't say anything, and the fact that your internal "alarm" sounds at the slightest trigger, suggests that you might have trust and confidence issues, not just towards her, but also towards yourself. You should have more faith in yourself, it's you she's chosen after all.

 

Remember you can't control what others do, only how you react to others' actions. By trying to restrict and limit her behavior, this will make you feel better because it will keep you in your comfort zone (as long as she doesn't talk to any guys that I perceive as potential threats, I will love her and things will be fine) but this doesn't mean that the problem doesn't exist, and it's possible that you would feel the same regardless of the person you're with, and regardless of whether your suspicions are founded or not. By asking her to stop any contact with these people, or remove them from their facebook list, you will show that you don't trust her, and trust is the foundation of any relationship. Start looking up some self confidence books, and let go of these insecurities.

[Longview01]

Facebook strikes again

 

My suggestion, do yourself a favour and delete facebook

 

Why were you going through your internet history anyway? Sounds like you were looking for a problem

[Snny]

I side with the OP and ut804 on this one. Sorry. I was under the impression that Facebook was another way to keep in contact with friends, former classmates, and family who are scattered accross the globe. Lately, the use of Facebook has changed into an invasion of one's private life with just one click of a mouse... yet it's absolutely mind blowing that people justify this behavior in the defense of "curiosity." If someone is only befriending an ex to check up on his/her and never initiate contact with them, then it defeats the purpose of using Facebook as a communication tool. It becomes a stalker tool.

 

I am not a jealous type, but honestly people... who CARES about what your ex is doing, who he/she is dating/married to, and who he/she is friends with that has absolutely nothing to do with you? Not to be harsh, but it is not anyone's damn business. When people start analyzing a profile of someone they don't like by going through their contacts, news feed, etc. then they're no better than a stalker because they have begun digging into that person's life (whether it's entirely published or not). I entire agree with ut804's argument that the fiancee's behavior of examining ALL of her ex's GIRLS and ONLY GIRLS is out of line and reveals a deeper meaning.

 

Facebook is commonly known for destroying people's trust in others because of how they use it. It is one thing to check a profile once and leave it the hell alone, but it's a different story when the fiancee frequently visits it that belongs to an ex, whether contact is initiated or not. Even though it's facebook, it wouldn't be any different if she kept pictures of her ex and was looking at them frequently. So it's not entire fair to label the OP insecure because the fiancee is much to blame for going too far with her own sense of "curiosity." Her actions speak louder than words here.

 

Why were you going through your internet history anyway? Sounds like you were looking for a problem

The OP explained it in his post already. He was not snooping when he was looking for a link and accidently stumbled on her visted links.

[Miss Firecracker]

Log off of facebook. Problem solved.

 

I used to think that facebook was a cool way to connect with people I barely knew. Then i realized that it's strange and artificial to know so much about strangers. Then I realized that my privacy was being seriously invaded by an incredibly amoral company run by a snotty boy who can barely tie his shoelaces.

 

The less you use facebook the better. Try deactivating your account every time you log off. Eventually you won't feel like logging on anymore.

 

Have mercy on your girl, facebook is so addictive and exes are such prime targets. Let her know that it bugs you and also let her know that facebook is one of the most evil companies on the internet.

 

I totally agree with you. It seems that half the stories on this forum concern Facebook issues. Also, among my real life friends and relatives, there is nothing positive going on with Facebook. It is leading to all sorts of unnecessary jealousy and even rifts between people. And it's always a convenient way to get a jab in at someone in a subtle way, and publicly. I hate is so much I have blocked the feed of everyone on my list. They can contact me in PM's if they want to talk.

[OptomisticGirl]

I'm sorry but you don't 'accidentally' find something when looking through your internet history. You see it, yiu know its yours or not, and if you.click on it knowing it isn't yours, I'm sorry, that's snooping. Hands down.

 

Facebook becomes an issue when you let it become an.issue, just like anything else.

[Cognitive_Canine]

As far as he knows, it was just one visit.

[Ms Darcy]

Here is the question, if she keeps doing this ... is this behavior worth bringing up again? Having arguments over? Ending the relationship?

 

No one is suggesting that she is having inappropriate communications with an ex. The idea is that looking at those photos MEANS something about her feelings.

 

So, is the advice to tell him to disregard what his fiance tells him about her actual feelings? Should he leave her if she doesn't stop? I really really advise against demonstrating such distrust by looking for problems. Lots of people have problems with others looking at porn. Now, looking at an online pictures of an ex's girlfriends are bad too? I personally think that's too much.

 

I'm starting to think people view relationships like a jail.

[ut804]

As far as he knows, it was just one visit.

 

the OP mentions she checks this "on several different occasions".

and checking EVERY girl he becomes friends with? sounds like she checks his site often.

what she is saying is essentially a lie, because she told him (the OP) that she is curious to see what his new girlfriend looks like but this is a lie because she checks every girl, not just his girlfriend.

 

but let's have common sense here: if you are over your ex, then why do you care who he becomes friends with? the whole "curiosity" excuse is just BS.

[Ms Darcy]

the OP mentions she checks this "on several different occasions".

and checking EVERY girl he becomes friends with? sounds like she checks his site often.

what she is saying is essentially a lie, because she told him (the OP) that she is curious to see what his new girlfriend looks like but this is a lie because she checks every girl, not just his girlfriend.

 

I have checked out the pages of an ex from years ago. I'm over him. So you cannot confirm that checking means lingering feelings. Everyone is different. And clearly what is not the case for you is not the case for some others.

[ut804]

I have checked out the pages of an ex from years ago. I'm over him. So you cannot confirm that checking means lingering feelings. Everyone is different. And clearly what is not the case for you is not the case for some others.

 

I have also checked out my ex's sites (once in a while) but do I care who he becomes friends with? No! I don't even really go to their sites, I just need to see it once and then that's enough. my question is WHY she checks out the girls he becomes friends with. What does that have to do with curiosity? These are just girls, not even his girlfriend. it's just weird. why would she care?

What kind of excuse is curiosity? It's almost like saying "oh i cheated out of curiosity". well obviously something is not right in this situation.

 

Once again, this is not just checking. It's more like stalking.

 

It's almost like this:

 

Would you go through your ex's phone book and call up girls in it? same thing.

[Yaz]

Just delete facebook and be done with it.

 

Facebook is the DEVIL.