think my fiance may be cheating

[river12]

If you want to follow her, then go ahead. I'm pretty much always in favor of open communication, though.

 

To be honest i didnt ever think my gf would lie to me at all ever about anything, shes all so high and mighty about people lying etc so it is a shock even that alone.

 

I to am open and in favour of communication as well but in this case if she is a cheater and i say something then she will then be totally secretivel and hide stuff even more.

 

In all honesty i would rather catch her or have enough evidence to prove so because im not interested in being with a cheater , no second chances here, cheat on me once and finished.

[river12]

Of course something isn't right. It isn't a guarantee that she is cheating but her behaviour is very suspicious and you need to check it out.

 

i agree DN no harm in checking things out.

[river12]

We spent the day together again today and all seemed ok i dont actually see any change in her towards me at all , there were no texts or secret calls etc.

however She did mention she was having dinner with a GF tomorrow night though, bit strange seeing it is going to be a monday though but she could be telling the truth on that but i dont know.

[LostOne01]

So you don't think turning to another man and talking to him about her relationship with her boyfriend is not an emotional affair, especially when it's evident they have sexual feelings for each other? Yea, right. That's not a friendship. She's been lying to him for a while now. If nothing physical is going on then she's at least in an emotional affair with him. OP, whether or not you were neglecting your girlfriend does not excuse her secretive behavior. You're not to blame for this. She probably knows you're onto her and might be trying to cover her tracks. Just keep digging. She'll slip. They always do, eventually.

[river12]

So you don't think turning to another man and talking to him about her relationship with her boyfriend is not an emotional affair, especially when it's evident they have sexual feelings for each other? Yea, right. That's not a friendship. She's been lying to him for a while now. If nothing physical is going on then she's at least in an emotional affair with him. OP, whether or not you were neglecting your girlfriend does not excuse her secretive behavior. You're not to blame for this. She probably knows you're onto her and might be trying to cover her tracks. Just keep digging. She'll slip. They always do, eventually.

 

hi betrayed , yes i know im not to blame what so ever because ive not neglected her in the slightest.

 

its just very strange that i have never ever wanted or thought the need to check her phone ever.

 

few weeks back for some reason i got a thought to check it dont know why just did and funnily enough there was a text from "pat" her old friend but thought nothing of it and those few weeks where she kept taking 4 hours to get nails done.

 

Only since she has lied and seen his text to her friday calling her sexy etc and she responding in a positive to it isnt good.

[river12]

So you don't think turning to another man and talking to him about her relationship with her boyfriend is not an emotional affair, especially when it's evident they have sexual feelings for each other? Yea, right. That's not a friendship. She's been lying to him for a while now. If nothing physical is going on then she's at least in an emotional affair with him. OP, whether or not you were neglecting your girlfriend does not excuse her secretive behavior. You're not to blame for this. She probably knows you're onto her and might be trying to cover her tracks. Just keep digging. She'll slip. They always do, eventually.

 

oh and by the way she has no idea what so ever that i know about the text messages

[lavenderdove]

If you seriously think someone might be cheating (or getting ready to start an affair), then you don't tip your hand to them because you need to remember that your goal here is to determine whether she is a cheater to protect yourself. If she's not a cheater than a false accusation will cause all kinds of trouble, and if she is cheating and you confront her before you are sure she will just lie and cover her tracks and you won't find out for sure.

 

So you need to get whatever evidence you need to make your own decision whether to let it drop or to drop her.

 

The fact that you have a medical condition at the moment is irrelevant. A cheater is a cheater, and frankly it is lousy for someone to start trotting off and sexually flirting or meeting up with other men because he has a temporary sexual issue. There are all kinds of sexual activities that a couple can use to bond, and insertion of the penis into the vagina is not a necessity for this woman to survive a short dry spell related to her partner's condition. It is just no excuse at all. It is her moral weakness and selfishness or desire for attention that makes her behave this way, not any compelling need that she can't overcome if she wanted to.

 

She's at a minimum using another man to boost her ego and add spice to her life, and more likely based on the 'sexy' talk and lying, she IS cheating with him or about to do the deed if she hasn't done it yet.

 

I'd call a private detective and have her followed while she has dinner with her 'friend', and if that's not the guy, then also have her followed next time she says she is going to get her nails done or out with someone else in the evening. If she's followed a few times and only goes where she says she's going and there is no lying about that then you might let it go, but otherwise, i would say nothing until after you've investigated this.

[river12]

I think your right on this one, but why would she keep talking about the wedding etcif she was even thinking of having an affair etc this is what i don't get the most, its pretty confusing and the fact she says she hates cheaters and would never cheat.

 

If she was cheating or thinking about it with this guy "pat"couldnt she have just went with the story of her drinks with her new workmates , because thats origionally what she told me she was doing during the week?

[Applewhite]

Because whether or not she went to have drinks with her coworkers is something that can come up and bite her later. This way she is covering her tracks.

 

And the reason she is talking about the wedding - well it DOES make sense. First of all her cheating on you does NOT mean she wants to dump you. She may very well want to marry you and still have an affair (or affairS) on the side. Also she feels guilty for cheating and being nice and romantic to you bringing up the wedding etc makes her feel better.

[river12]

Because whether or not she went to have drinks with her coworkers is something that can come up and bite her later. This way she is covering her tracks.

 

And the reason she is talking about the wedding - well it DOES make sense. First of all her cheating on you does NOT mean she wants to dump you. She may very well want to marry you and still have an affair (or affairS) on the side. Also she feels guilty for cheating and being nice and romantic to you bringing up the wedding etc makes her feel better.

 

hike14 can i pm you?

[Applewhite]

Yes, of course!

[mikem]

Disregard this post. Wasn't sure how to delete it...

[mikem]

OK, I'm going to go against the majority here, and I don't think she's cheating at all. I think you're having a hard time dealing with your (temporary, albeit current) sexual dysfunction, and are somehow transferring and projecting your insecurity onto her. Almost like her cheating would justify a breakup, rather than admitting it's because of the sexual issues at hand.

 

Yes, she's meeting Pat, but if she was banging him, she wouldn't have mentioned him AT ALL. Where is she on THU nights? Well, it takes 2 hours for a mani/pedi. Beyond that - who knows - could be any number of things.

 

There is something broken in your relationship, and I think it's the lack of physical intimacy. Which is HUGELY powerful. For her to tell Pat that he's good for her ego, shows that she's probably sharing that she's not feeling very desirable anymore.

 

My .2 cents.

 

In my opinion...Nahaa...

[mikem]

I think your right on this one, but why would she keep talking about the wedding etcif she was even thinking of having an affair etc this is what i don't get the most, its pretty confusing and the fact she says she hates cheaters and would never cheat.

 

If she was cheating or thinking about it with this guy "pat"couldnt she have just went with the story of her drinks with her new workmates , because thats origionally what she told me she was doing during the week?

 

I thinking hiring a PI, as Laverdove mentioned, might be the way to go. The key here initially is information gathering and finding out the truth. Getting the information first, with a cheater, is a wiser approach. They are in a place of 'deception' and confronting them about it, initially, without finding out the truth, can cause a lot of unnecessary confusion if you 'tip them off' too soon. What they will do, if you confront them, before find out some facts, is get hugely emotional and point the finger back at you.

 

Been there done that. You are going about this the right way, in my opinion.

[Brownstone322]

... why would she keep talking about the wedding etcif she was even thinking of having an affair etc this is what i don't get the most, its pretty confusing and the fact she says she hates cheaters and would never cheat.

You gotta get past that part! I know her (suspected) behavior may sound illogical on a superficial level, but it actually makes sense if you think about it from a different perspective. Some people cheat for the thrill, for the attention, for the "forbidden sex" (which I'll admit is probably wildly orgasmic). But that doesn't necessarily mean they want to sacrifice the comfort and stability of their regular partner. I try to avoid clichés, but "cake and eat it too" might well apply here. And I'd forget the "hates cheaters" mantra too; people I've known who think that way apply it to other people, not to themselves.

 

The situation may seem counterintuitive to you, but as an objective observer, I think it sounds "normal," as infidelity goes.

 

But the way, speaking of objectivity, your analysis is swayed by emotion (which it should be), and some of the hawkish advice you're getting here seems to come from people who have been cheated upon themselves not so long ago, as if they're seeking some sort of vicarious vindication. So be careful about drawing conclusions from inconclusive evidence. Move carefully and get your facts in order. And keep this in mind: False accusations could be the greater offense.

 

Listen to lavendardove. She's a smart lady.

[river12]

Hi lavenderdrove i have pm'd you.

[river12]

In my opinion...Nahaa...

 

i actually think the nail appointments are true.

[metrogirl]

i actually think the nail appointments are true.

 

They probably are, I don't think any of us doubt the nail story other than it would take 4 hours to get them done.

[Ariel85]

So you don't think turning to another man and talking to him about her relationship with her boyfriend is not an emotional affair, especially when it's evident they have sexual feelings for each other? Yea, right. That's not a friendship. She's been lying to him for a while now. If nothing physical is going on then she's at least in an emotional affair with him. OP, whether or not you were neglecting your girlfriend does not excuse her secretive behavior. You're not to blame for this. She probably knows you're onto her and might be trying to cover her tracks. Just keep digging. She'll slip. They always do, eventually.

 

LOL. Having opposite friends and confiding in them is not an emotional affair. And how do you know they have sexual feelings for each other? Him calling her "sexy" proves nothing. For all we know, she is telling him how the OP doesn't make her feel attractive, nor desirable, etc., hence his comment and her saying he's good for her ego. Clearly he's flattering her, because she's let him know she needs this.

[river12]

They probably are, I don't think any of us doubt the nail story other than it would take 4 hours to get them done.

 

ok im pretty sure the nail place is like for 4kms from where she works i remember her telling me about it once, so if she was to leave at 6pm which she works to most nights in traffic to get nail place would take minimum i 30-40 minutes although distance isnt far traffic would be a nightmare, so if she had appointment at 7pm then finished there at 9 pm she should be home say 9.15pm as we live about 8kms from the nail place , but im a guy i dont know how long nails take.

 

in the past she has got home from a nail appointment at this time say 9/15-9/30 pm , just the last two occassions she has gone its been 10.30 pm approx.

[river12]

LOL. Having opposite friends and confiding in them is not an emotional affair. And how do you know they have sexual feelings for each other? Him calling her "sexy" proves nothing. For all we know, she is telling him how the OP doesn't make her feel attractive, nor desirable, etc., hence his comment and her saying he's good for her ego. Clearly he's flattering her, because she's let him know she needs this.

 

ariel85 im sorry you are totally wrong , like i have said to you already im affectionate enough to my fiance , i should know im in the relationship.

If i wasnt then i would be the first to say so.

[metrogirl]

You initially started this thread because you thought she was cheating and then as the rest of us joined you, you starting defending her so maybe you aren't so sure she is cheating or are you in deep denial?

 

Usually if a person feels something in their gut, it's true. We don't feel these things for nothing.

[river12]

You initially started this thread because you thought she was cheating and then as the rest of us joined you, you starting defending her so maybe you aren't so sure she is cheating or are you in deep denial?

 

Usually if a person feels something in their gut, it's true. We don't feel these things for nothing.

 

your right metro girl im hoping and dont want it to be true which leads me to denial i guess, but i was just trying to work out re nail situation thats all.

[annie24]

I haven't read this whole thread but....

 

do her nails look better when she comes back?? are they painted a different color, do they look better? Nails never take 2 hours to do. Even when I had acrylic nails, those were done within an hour and a half. typically, nails take about 30 minutes to do. if she's getting a pedicure, that can take longer too.

[Ariel85]

ariel85 im sorry you are totally wrong , like i have said to you already im affectionate enough to my fiance , i should know im in the relationship.

If i wasnt then i would be the first to say so.

 

Except for the total lack of sex, and as you admitted yourself, your sex life was never very stellar even when you did have it.

 

Like I said - affection is one thing, I mean, I'm affectionate with friends, family, pets. I do suspect she doesn't feel DESIRED by you, and that's a very different thing. And I do think she is sharing this with this guy.