I Don't Want To Date You Because You're Too Pretty?

[Marisa33]

Ok, so I've been told this by a few guys in my life and it's really annoying. I will ask my guy friends, "why don't guys want a relationship with me?" or "why won't guys get serious with me?" and every single one of them has brought this point up! They tell me that when most guys see a beautiful attractive girl they run because they don't want the headache of having to worry about her 24/7 when she's not with him. Understand, I don't go out that much and am a very loyal person, but most guys don't give me the chance long enough to know these things about me me. The other day at work a guy friend told me, "Look, if I didn't know you personally I wouldn't want to date you either because I would worry about you getting taken from me by another dude and it would kill me. You're too pretty and that scares guys." (he has a girlfriend, so I know he's telling me the truth). I also had my uncle tell me this once too! He asked me if I had a boyfriend and when I said no, he said "yea I can see why, you're very beautiful and guys worry about that when dating".

 

This is so frusturating! Is this true?! Do guys really try to date ugly girls for something?! What can I do to fix this problem, is it even fixable?

[LanceVanceDance]

It seems like a pretty shoddy reason.

 

My ex was very pretty, she would get compliments all the time, but it never scared me and I never was worried because I trusted her and I knew she was serious.

[Batya33]

Maybe try meeting men through activities, volunteer work, sports so they can get to know you as a person and not just a pretty face.

[-Sanguine-]

To be honest, I think any guy who is secure with himself won't have a problem dating a very attractive woman. So in reality, I think that eventually you will find a guy who is secure and he will want to be with you and won't have a problem with it. You wouldn't want to be in a relationship with an insecure guy anyway, right?

[WindowTo]

Honestly I think that there are only 2 answers to this whole thing. This as a factor by itself is absolute nonsense. A guy will never consider a girl that they can actually attract being too pretty on its own as anything but great. The only real issue would be if the girl was flirty, romantically impulsive or fleeting, or unloyal in some other personality related manner. Granted that being attractive puts people in situations where it is much easier to fall prey, but an assessment of personality is where this is decided not just looking at them. Attractive people consistently have a higher standard or more specific/picky way of choosing mates and often are chronically believing that they can do better. Therefore, this may be your friends way of telling you this without telling you that you come off as too inviting of other guys advances or something of the like. OR these guys are simply attempting to explain away your relationship woes in a flattering manner. Even on the surface, attractive people are often forced to be more guarded in their initial interactions with people to flow the tide of romantic pursuit and this can cause people to think that you don't like them as much as you should for a committed relationship. The fact is that if you want to appear as a person who is ready to be in a commited relationship you really need to put yourself out there and be vulnerable, and that can be especially tricky for hot people when so often must exercise the skills of showing that "I am not interested".

[byates5637]

I've dated some 9.5/10s before and it generally sucked. Always had to worry about them getting hit on. Of course these girls loved the attention and sometimes dressed a bit * * * * ty which just made it worse.

 

I like to date right around 8/10 that dresses modestly. Still good looking but you don't have to worry about it as much. Of course if a really hot girl came along and I liked her personality it's not like I wouldn't give her a chance.

[LanceVanceDance]

I've dated some 9.5/10s before and it generally sucked. Always had to worry about them getting hit on. Of course these girls loved the attention and sometimes dressed a bit * * * * ty which just made it worse.

 

But that was because they dressed "a bit * * * * ty" and you didn't trust them.

 

My ex was absolutely stunning to look at, she could have been a model if she had been taller, yet I never worried because she never dressed in a vulgar way and did not have a flirty personality. I trusted her and loved being with a beautiful woman (not the only reason of course... but I'm addressing the thread's issue).

[Belle]

Marisa,

 

People who haven't been in this situation don't realize that it is a very valid point for some men. The insecure. Which unfortunately is about 99% of them. I've been told by multiple people that they would be too insecure to date me knowing and having seen the number of men that pursue me. Even though these men know that I am a very loyal person. For some reason, their insecurity can't get past it.

 

Is it fixable? Not unless you decide to become dowdy. If you send off the right signals that you are interested and you're not flirting with everyone else eventually maybe a smart guy will get the hint. I am a little frustrated by it though, so I'm not sure that I can tell you it gets better. I feel that the men I date are so insecure they need me to reassure them by pursuing which I refuse to do.

[Marisa33]

I don't want to date an insecure guy at all! So yes I suppose it's good that I dont' get involved with those that think this way. But still, it's annoying. I don't dress like I want attention, I'm very conservative actually. But I still like to look nice just like everyone else so I dont want to dress down to get a guy to take me serious. I never go with the attitude that I can get someone better, I'm actually a very genuine person and don't pay attention to looks as much as wanting to be with someone who is motivated like me. In other words, I don't want to date someone who is lazy with their life...I want to date someone who has a plan and is going after it. So I'm picky in that way and I don't see anything wrong with that.

 

I went to a sports bar the other day and the bartender said I look like I was 19 when he saw how old I really was on my ID and that I would be getting carded for a long long time. Do you think this is a factor too? I just look too young?

 

I'll admit I do feel uneasy around attractive guys but that's because I feel like they probably already have a wonderful girlfriend but I would still give them the chance if they wanted and didn't have a girlfriend. I wouldn't judge them based on looks.

[Marisa33]

I totally understand! And it really is a problem you dont understand unless youre in it, it sux! I'm trying to send the right signals, I just get annoyed is all. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. It's kind of depressing actually

[pinkelephant]

My first thought was, maybe it translates to you come off as promiscous in the way that you dress/act. I'm also inclined to say this phenomenon doesn't really exist on the scale you're speaking of because plllllenty of guys like a good looking girl on their arms regardless of the consequences (she might be difficult, annoying, or just "promiscuous".)

 

My boyfriend told me when he met me, he thought it was done because I 'looked way out of his league', but it definitely didn't stop him from trying. He's a pretty jealous guy, but he wouldn't throw our then potential relationship out of the window just because of that. But again, I was never considered ridiculously hot or anything. My bestfriend is a model/ridiculously hot, but has never had trouble getting a boyfriend although their insecurity issues do eventually come up. They just don't pass up the chance to date her. I mean, I'm sure one in like a million might let his insecurity ruin his chance with a hot, smart, funny girl but... would you?

 

Bottom line is, the general population just isn't that insecure.

[lavenderdove]

If that were true, then how come we see sooooo many guys on this website saying, 'why can't i get a hot girl?' or 'All the hot girls are taken...'

 

Don't change anything about yourself because someone says something like this... there are MILLIONS of men in this world, and yes, some are insecure, but some also only like brunettes or only like blondes or like tall girls or like short girls or thin girls or curvy girls...

 

So pretty girls will blame themselve for being too pretty and curvy girls will say they are not dating because they're not thin, and brunettes will say i have no luck because i'm blonde.

 

Every man (and woman is an individual). People's tastes in partners is very individual, and you will come accross some insecure guys who aren't interested because you are 'pretty', but you will also come accross some guys who don't like you because you're too tall or too short or whatever.

 

In the end such generalities are meaningless because you only need ONE guy, and everyone gets rejected for some reason or another some of the time.

[Day_Walker]

I think that some guys are insecure in that respect, but you cannot concern yourself with guys that arent going to date you anyway. You can not like and/or disagree with their reasons but remember this is still the group of guys that wouldnt date you so dont be concerned with their motives

[Ariel85]

Meh. If a guy is genuinely that insecure that he wouldn't date you because you're too pretty, then he sure as heck isn't going to have the plums to tell you so.

 

PLENTY of gorgeous women have men in their lives. They just often happen to be equally as attractive. lol. Most guys I've dated tell me they love it when we go out in public and I get checked out by other men, because it makes THEM feel better about themselves and they feel it raises their real estate a bit. lol

 

I think some people are giving you some lines to make you feel better about not getting asked out.

[DylanNotorious]

I have never known any dudes to not date a woman because she was too hot. That is def not the reason these guys won't date you. What's your personality like? Are you fun to be around? The worst thing a girl can do is be so into her own looks.

 

I think it might be a personality issue here.

[oldenoughtoknow]

OP I think you've received some good advice on this. When I read your initial post, my first thought was that you've had a run of very insecure guys. I've dated a few drop-dead gorgeous women in the past, and yeah, they can come with extra challenges. But the women I've dated sound like you - they simply were not flirtatious or someone who would give me any reason to doubt their fidelity - they were trustworthy. When they got hit on, the guys were immediately shut down. If your present yourself as you say, it sounds like the guys you've been meeting couldn't accept the challenge. Their insecurities couldn't allow themselves to witness your barrage of potential suitors. When you find the right guy, someone who is secure in himself and able to trust, your outer appearance will never be a negative issue.

[LillyLooWho]

When I was younger, I was considered to be pretty but yet, whenever I went out dancing at the clubs, I never got hit on. I never met any guys. I started to think I wasn't attractive, but then everyone I knew would say that I was and the reason I didn't get approached was because guys are intimidated. It is very confusing when you are told you are pretty but yet you can't find a guy who wants to date you. Whether I was that pretty or not is debatable but certainly I was attractive enough to get male attention but I didn't. I found dating online to work for me a lot better, maybe because the guy could read a little bit about me first? I really don't know but I understand your dilemma. If you're very pretty there is really nothing you can do about it. Just be yourself. I have dated over the years but there have definitely been some dry seasons. People assume you are a certain way if you look a certain way which we all logically know is silly but we still do it anyway. It is human nature.

[Marisa33]

Exactly! In college a guy I took a class with became good friends with me because we had to do a project together. He couldn't believe I didn't have a boyfriend. He said that most guys are really just dumb including him! He said "I saw you on campus before and when I saw you were in this class with me I thought 'gee she must be stuck up' becuase you're gorgeous, but you are actually really funny and sweet. Surprised the heck outta me!" and he had a serious girlfriend and he was telling me this too!

 

I think some of the responses on here are helpful, and others are cruel. I'm not trying to come accross as conceded by posting this dilemma, I honestly have struggled with this a lot. Even with friendships, girls tend to not want to go out with me becuase they feel like I'll get all the attention, when that NEVER happens! Guys get intimidated or so I hear and as LillyLoo said it is confusing for me.

 

 

 

This was hurtful, and I've read some others too. I was just trying to ask a question to see how guys think and if it's just me that feels this way. I have a lot of good things about me, not just my looks, I'm educated, independent and love sports and helping people.

 

I'm just tired of only getting considered for my looks because people are generalizing me. I want someone to actually talk to me without a hidden agenda and want to get to know me for me. All I want is a chance, and reading some of the comments on here does hurt my feelings. This thread is about wanting to know if guys are afraid of dating pretty girls and what I can do to help beat that "generalization".

 

Some people on here are really cruel. Maybe this isn't the best place to ask questions. But I am happy some women have wrote about going through the same thing. It does help and they know what I'm talking about.

[Marisa33]

I also was wondering if it was becuase I look a lot younger than I am. Does that hinder you? Should I do something different?

[Marisa33]

OP I think you've received some good advice on this. When I read your initial post, my first thought was that you've had a run of very insecure guys. I've dated a few drop-dead gorgeous women in the past, and yeah, they can come with extra challenges. But the women I've dated sound like you - they simply were not flirtatious or someone who would give me any reason to doubt their fidelity - they were trustworthy. When they got hit on, the guys were immediately shut down. If your present yourself as you say, it sounds like the guys you've been meeting couldn't accept the challenge. Their insecurities couldn't allow themselves to witness your barrage of potential suitors. When you find the right guy, someone who is secure in himself and able to trust, your outer appearance will never be a negative issue.

 

thank you! this really does help make me feel better and gives me hope.

[Ariel85]

Marisa - the reality of what you're saying simply isn't true. I modeled from the time I was in HS, until my early 30's. I made a lot of money off my body and my looks. BUT, I never lacked for BF's or dates, and my GF's, of which I had many, ranged from very plain, to FAR better looking than me.

 

Point is - it's like Dylan said - it comes down to personality. There is something about how you are being perceived, or how you project yourself, that isn't rubbing people the right way, and I promise you, it isn't because you're too pretty. Either people will want to be around you or they won't, and being "too pretty" isn't going to negate the wonderful qualities that would make people want to know you.

 

In your other thread about the tool bag guy, one of the first things you said about him was how he thought you had pretty eyes and would tell you over and over how hot you are. So, here you are complaining that guys are too shallow, and can't get past your looks, then you're also commenting about how it was a good thing this guy found you physically attractive. It can't be both ways...

[BriarRose]

I have to admit - I am leary about dating good looking guys, so while it may sound like a bogus reason, there may be truth to it. Good looking people are high risk, in that they meet more people and get hit on more. Is it insecure of him? Sure. But I can understand it.

[LanceVanceDance]

It's only "high risk" if the person is untrustworthy. Even good looking people can be loyal, faithful, and able to say no.

[BriarRose]

It's only "high risk" if the person is untrustworthy. Even good looking people can be loyal, faithful, and able to say no.

 

Obviously I wasn't implying that good looking people can't be faithful. I just said they are higher risk. They meet more people and get hit on more. That doesn't mean they can't be faithful. It just means they are provided with more opportunity.

[Belle]

I also was wondering if it was becuase I look a lot younger than I am. Does that hinder you? Should I do something different?

 

This only changes the dating pool for me. Most guys my age won't approach me which is why I resorted to online dating. Guys know I'm not in my 20's. When I'm out, it's 22-27 year olds that hit on me. I actually went out with a couple for lack of other options. I will say 20 somethings are a lot of fun. My cousin went to a bar with me once and said that they all crane their necks to look, but no guy my age would ever want to be a pedo and hit on me. Only your relatives can be that sweet.

 

And for the record, being attractive hasn't stopped men from hitting on me. If anything that's been a successful area. However, I have noticed that they become insecure with wondering where my interest level is and so things tend to work out less frequently than I'd like. I have had 3 exes tell me that they thought they weren't good enough for me or that i was out of their league. I like to think it's because I'm a good person.