Advice Needed: Setting internal deadline of boyfriend proposing

[OptomisticGirl]

And would you have waited another 20 years? 10? 5? Forever? If all he said was "I'm not ready, not sure when/if I will be?"

 

I love him, I would have stuck around for 5 years before making a decision if he was going to take that next step or not. I was in a 4 year relationship knowing that guy never WOULD take the next step. There is nothing wrong with having an idea of how long you are willing to wait but to set a SPECIFIC time for him to do it by IMO, not only takes away the romance and surprise of the moment he does but puts pressure on him and her, because all she's going to do up until that deadline is stress about 'is he going to do it?' 'when is he going to do it?'. In the end, I think that will kill the relationship quicker then him NOT proposing.

[The_Seeker]

And would you have waited another 20 years? 10? 5? Forever? If all he said was "I'm not ready, not sure when/if I will be?"

 

Like everything, nothing is guarantee and everything has an expiration date. LOL I agree with you, Batya33.

 

My dad proposed to my mom in 2 weeks. He was ready.

 

So yea it depends on the guy but then again I grew from a different culture. Maybe American Culture is different.

[Batya33]

I love him, I would have stuck around for 5 years before making a decision if he was going to take that next step or not. I was in a 4 year relationship knowing that guy never WOULD take the next step. There is nothing wrong with having an idea of how long you are willing to wait but to set a SPECIFIC time for him to do it by IMO, not only takes away the romance and surprise of the moment he does but puts pressure on him and her, because all she's going to do up until that deadline is stress about 'is he going to do it?' 'when is he going to do it?'. In the end, I think that will kill the relationship quicker then him NOT proposing.

 

To me the priority should not be the romance and the surprise but making sure that you are not staying longer than you are comfortable without a commitment. Especially for those women in their mid-late 30s who want a child, waiting 5 years can be the difference between having a shot at a biological child or not.

 

And yes transitions to commitment can be pressured/stressful but if the couple is on the same wavelength then having a specific time/plan shouldn't be a problem and should in fact add to the feeling of security and stability. And of course there can be a surprise within the time period -I didn't know specifically when my husband was going to propose but had a rough idea of the timing- same with my friend who had a very romantic pre-marriage relationship and yet they had very specific plans as far as timing - samewith severalof my friends-in one example they've been happily married for over 20 years, in the other,for 19 years (and when they got back together she told him that she wasn't going to date for long without a ring - he proposed 6 months later.

[Unknown1607307972]

I'm split on this.

 

On the one hand, I can see how women waiting around for proposals and always expecting the man to do it is a useless tradition. I doubt I'd propose, not because I am a woman, but because I am a coward with no confidence . However, if my boyfriend never proposed, then it'd be ok as long as he wanted to be with me still. I don't want kids, I am not even sure if I want marriage anymore, so a lifelong partner would be enough.

 

I also think that the OP's boyfriend's plans do need to be considered, and that they should discuss their aims for the future together before she decides on a timeline. I mean if the timeline was extended by a couple of months it wouldn't be the end of the world and if a couple of months is the difference that broke a happy relationship then it'd be a shame.

 

On the other hand, the OP and her husband are in their 30's. If she wants children, then waiting around can cause problems with that. Many people understandabley don't want to have their children too old, late twenties to thirties seems to be the popular age these days. I can understand if she doesn't want to wait around for an indefinate amount of time. What if he wants to wait several years? Then, after marriage, wait a few years before kids? Uncertainty is hard and if she has a goal to one day be married and perhaps have children then she needs to know where her relationship is headed.

 

They need to talk about their goals, they need to learn what eachother wants without any pressuring. That way there's a clearer picture of things and the OP can decide what is best for her.

[hexaemeron]

Oh here we go again. This is just flat out wish fulfillment. Waiting around like some dainty Victorian waif, lounging around on a bed of pillows, being fanned with palm fronds waiting for the man to sweep her off her feet, take her away from all of this.

 

If you want to get married, TALK about it. Why are you automatically building in some sort of resentment measure here? If you want something, take an ACTIVE role in it. DO something about it. Don't just lay around like a bump on a pickle and then get upset because your precious timetable isn't being respected.

 

Because guess what OP? Here's a shocker for you: IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU. It's about him too. His needs, his timetable and his desire to be a husband when he's ready.

 

Please, for the Great Bird's sake, learn to see past your own nose for five seconds.

[petite]

It's best if you discuss this all with your boyfriend and see where his mind is at, be honest and let him know there is only so long you're willing to wait until there is a "real" promise of commitment. Personally, I think 1.5-2 years is a great time for engagement for people in their late 20's, early 30's (28-33). As for proposing, this has been discussed many times. Bottom line, I feel the man should propose. I've never met a man that wants to be proposed to, and I certainly never dated one. I don't think anyone should bully their partner into marriage, but if a partner after 2 years doesn't know what he wants from his girlfriend long term, especially those people who are older, perhaps it is time to re-think where you both stand in the relationship. At 30, I would not be with a man man in a serious relationship if there was no talk of marriage and future plans and I don't mean "down the line", 5 years from now).

[d24]

i'm sorry but if you're setting a dealine you don't love him enough. marriage is not the be all and end all. a loving caring healthy relationship can sit outside the confines of a marriage, especially in this day and age.

 

every time i read one of these threads it makes me incredibly angry and upset for the poor guy who is, the majority of the time, being a good loving partner who is simply working to their own check-list to mature and get to a place where they are emotionally, mentally and financially ready for the next step in commitment.

 

why should he work to YOUR timescales because you're arbitrarily picking a date for him to be ready?

 

in one word: selfish.

 

if you loved him with all your heart you'd be with him forever, no matter the circumstances

[Batya33]

And if he loved her he would respect that marriage and family are important to her and that marriage isn't just a piece of paper to her. And there is a time limit for having biological children safely -and for many people having one other than in the context of a stable marriage is unacceptable.

[Unknown1607307972]

And if he loved her he would respect that marriage and family are important to her and that marriage isn't just a piece of paper to her. And there is a time limit for having biological children safely -and for many people having one other than in the context of a stable marriage is unacceptable.

 

I have to agree here. While his wants in life are of course important and need consideration, so do hers. If she wants children then it is especially important. I don't want kids, but if I did I'd want to be married first as it's a security thing for me (not a moral one, I myself was born out of wedlock). I also would rather be married a couple of years before having kids if I were to have them. She's in her 30's, when people want kids they need to be thinking about where their life is heading because if she waits another five years for an engagement, then x time for marriage, then x time for any kids she could want, it's an issue. At my age the waiting wouldn't matter nearly as much. When you're older, I imagine you want to have a more stable future plan as the window for starting a family isn't open forever for a woman.

 

I am not saying the deadline is great or that he should have to sacrifice his wishes for her. I am saying that they really need to talk and understand eachothers' priorities. Perhaps they can compromise? And if they cannot, then she knows she needs to find someone who wants the same things as her rather than wait around for years with uncertainty.

[d24]

I have to agree here. While his wants in life are of course important and need consideration, so do hers.

 

..

 

I am not saying the deadline is great or that he should have to sacrifice his wishes for her. I am saying that they really need to talk and understand eachothers' priorities. Perhaps they can compromise? And if they cannot, then she knows she needs to find someone who wants the same things as her rather than wait around for years with uncertainty.

 

..and if he came on here writing a post saying "my gf wants me to marry her or she's going to dump me, but everything is fine how it is now" you're telling me we wouldn't come out in our droves gushing to him saying "omg she's being so unreasonable" "that's really needy/clingy" and "dump her now" ....

 

not to mention that compromise is a funny thing, because more often than not someone will get their own way, especially with something so black and white as this.

 

he has made his choice and is working to his timescales, so this is NOT about him. this is about her. she either loves him enough to wait till he's ready to get married, or she doesn't and she should seek out a new relationship where she can get what she thinks she needs - but pressuring him and arbitrarily setting cut-off dates is not going to help anything, which is why I'm so angry at the OP and the majority of the advice being given here.

[Batya33]

And if he loves her enough he will work on the issues that keep him from being ready when she is ready. It's not a black and white issue if she shows flexibility and he has good reasons why he needs her to extend her deadline.

[OptomisticGirl]

And if she loves him enough she won't pressure him into a specific deadline and say 'if we aren't married by such and such time we are over.' I'm sorry but THAT is not love to me. To me that just sounds like a woman who wants a ring on her finger no matter what.

[Batya33]

And if she loves him enough she won't pressure him into a specific deadline and say 'if we aren't married by such and such time we are over.' I'm sorry but THAT is not love to me. To me that just sounds like a woman who wants a ring on her finger no matter what.

 

No actually that is loving herself -that is after she evaluates what is the longest she can comfortably wait -since she wants to try for a biological family -and if he doesn't want to commit in that time frame then as much as she loves him they don't have compatible goals. Love is not enough. If I hadn't committed to my boyfriend by a certain time and I was risking him not being able to try to be a daddy (biologically) I am sure he would have left me and I wouldhaverespected him for that. I agree she shouldn't pressure him -she simply should state what she needs from him as far as her goals and if that is not something he wants a part of she should quietly and without anger walk away- no begging/pleading. then if he changes his mind that is his decision as an adult.

[lavenderdove]

People always put too much emphasis on the proposal (a ritual and formality) and not enough on emphasis on talking and negotiating and understanding where the other person stands on the subject of marriage, how serious they are about the person, their goals and expectations etc.

 

So they blindly sit around waiting for a proposal while avoiding having a conversation that talks about what the person's goals are, whether they think their relationship will lead to marriage (and a rough timeframe for that) and discussing other practicalities about marriage and planning a life together.

 

So rather than waiting for that 'magic moment' that is supposed to drop out of the sky and surprise her, she needs to negotiate this situation like an adult. Talk to him about what she wants in life, that she sees him as a keeper and sees herself married to him in the near term, and what does he think about that?

 

It is really important to know what someone is thinking before you continue to invest more and more time with them. I've known people who have patiently waited years for proposals that never come, because they never bothered to talk about goals and what the expectations and feelings were. The woman just thought the proposal would magically appear someday, whlie the guy wasn't thinking about marriage at all, not interested in it with no intentions to do so. So she should definitely discuss it with him and know what is going on between them, as should he.

[Tanzi]

I did extensive research on this topic and majority of articles and opinions stated that it is a good idea to set up your internal deadline of when you want a committment from your boyfriend.

 

You should get married when you both feel ready and not when some article tells you too. Your situation is unique and you will have your own unique commitments, responsibilities and emotions to take into consideration first. Are you ready financially? Are you ready emotionally? Are you ready to focus on marriage instead of your new career paths? That is up for you both to decide and no-one else.

 

Would you really walk away from the man you love and who loves you as much back just because he hasn't asked you to marry him by the deadline you have set in your head?

[Tanzi]

I think that asking someone to propose to you (or demanding it) is ridiculous.

 

I totally agree. If you have to do this then there is something clearly wrong with the relationship. When in a committed relationship shouldn't we be on the same wavelength as our partners and be totally aware of our feelings for each other and what we both want from relationsip? Setting such a deadline surely means you have no faith in the relationship or your partners feelings. In that case I would question whether I should actually be in that relationship NOW instead of setting deadlines for the future.

[Batya33]

Telling someone that you cannot remain in a relationship without a stronger commitment or different kind of commitment has nothing to do with demanding. If the other person feels pressured that is their issue and likely a sign that he/she is not ready for the commitment. Demanding should have no place in the decisiion to get married.

[Tanzi]

Here, here.

 

I totally get that some women's biological clocks are ticking but I fail to see how setting a deadline helps. Firstly, as D Day (Deadline Day) approaches shouldn't we already have some indication as to how our partner feels about us and what they want or see in the future? If someone is still that blind as to where things are likely to be heading then clearly it isn't heading anywhere.

 

So ..... D Day arrives and no proposal ..... what does one do? Throw in the towel? Move on and eventually start all over again in a new relationship? Set another deadline? How many times can we do this? Where is the love in all this? Surely the most important thing is to find a loving partner to share in the joys of parenthood.

 

Or should we stay in the relationship and actually talk about the future and work out what we both want? (Though I would have thought the latter would and should have already been discussed, therefore rendering a deadline unecessary.)

 

The bottom line is, we shouldn't have to set a deadline, we should already know where we are going.

 

 

Oops, not sure how the unhappy face got there but don't know how to delete it!

[OptomisticGirl]

Telling someone that you cannot remain in a relationship without a stronger commitment or different kind of commitment has nothing to do with demanding. If the other person feels pressured that is their issue and likely a sign that he/she is not ready for the commitment. Demanding should have no place in the decisiion to get married.

 

And yet I still see a woman who is in a loving relationship saying, "If you don't marry me before me by such and such date or we are over" as demanding. How is that NOT demanding? That is the truest form of a woman stompoing her foot in tantrum wanting something. I agree with a -little-blue and as I stated before: if you are willing to end a relationship that for all other attempt and purposes is a strong, loving relatoinship over the fact he hasn't proposed by your deadline, then you don't need to be in that relationship to begin with becuase I'm sorry, you aren't in it for the love.

[Batya33]

I don't think it's demanding, depending on howi it is said. You are simply devaluing her desire for a marital commitment. You yourself wrote you would wait 5 years for your bf to propose (hypothetically) -so what would happen in 10 years? 15? Is every time someone leaves a relationship because the other person doesn't want the same things a "demand" that the person do those things? If I had suddenly changed my mind about wanting to have or adopt a child I am almost certain my then boyfriend would have left me-as he should -and in no way would I have interpreted his leaving as a demand that I change my mind back.

[OptomisticGirl]

The difference is he and I talked as a couple. It was not all my deadline, it was his as well. I"m not saying that in leaving a person is demanding something. Saying, "If you don't marry me by such and such time" yes, THAT is demanding. Leaving because you aren't getting a proposal? No, it's not demanding but it sure isn't love either. The fact remains if a woman can walk away from a relationship becuase she hasn't gotten a proposal by her deadline, she doesn't need to be in that relationship to begin with because she isn't in it for the right reasons.

[Applewhite]

How is it "demanding" when you decide you want to end the relationship because you have needs that are not fulfilled and will not be fulfilled by that relationship?

 

OG I can't help but notice you have a Disney fairytale image of what love and marriage should be like. A love conquers all attitude. I guess your argument comes from this: nothing (even the desire to have a biological child) should come before love. Not everyone agrees with this. People have goals that interfere with love and relationships. Sometimes people end relationships because of this.

[Tanzi]

I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months. We have discussed the future and we have discussed marriage. We have both agreed that we would like to be engaged in 2011 (no specific timing on that) and married in 2012. Its not set in stone and neither is it a deadline. It is our desire. A desire that we have discussed together. The point I am making is that deadlines shouldn't need to be made ... these things should happen naturally and be discussed together along the way.

[OptomisticGirl]

How is it "demanding" when you decide you want to end the relationship because you have needs that are not fulfilled and will not be fulfilled by that relationship?

 

OG I can't help but notice you have a Disney fairytale image of what love and marriage should be like. A love conquers all attitude. I guess your argument comes from this: nothing (even the desire to have a biological child) should come before love. Not everyone agrees with this. People have goals that interfere with love and relationships. Sometimes people end relationships because of this.

 

Yet again it's not demanding to end it but it IS demanding to ask of it by a specific date. Setting a proposal for within two years from now? Yeah. A specific month and date? yeah, you are being a bit demanding.

 

Believe me, that's the last image I have of marriage and love. I"m a child of divorce, I above everyone knows that love in unfairytale. Yes, things get in the way and no, love does not always conquer all (lets face it, ENA wouldn't exist if it did!). The reason I know CS and I will make it is because of our unfairytale look at romance. We are children of divorce, we know at any moment it can end. So no, I don't.

[lavenderdove]

I don't think it is being too 'demanding' when you're a woman in your mid-30s and have to consider fertility if you want children. Fertility declines very sharply after age 35. A man has all the time in the world, but if a woman wants to be married to the father of her children, and she's just 'hanging out' with a man in her mid 30s, if she waits a couple more years before realizing he's not serious, then has to look for another new guy and date him for a couple years before marriage, she's well into her 40s before marrying and may no longer be able to have a baby.

 

So i think it's a question of being honest and open with each other, and her saying, look my goal is to settle down and start a family. would you consider doing this with me, and if so, when? then if he seems receptive, they can talk about things like when they might get engaged or married. The formal proposal is just a formality if they've worked out their goals by talking beforehand, which everyone should do, especially if a woman is older and looking for a mate to have children with while she's still fertile.