Advice Needed: Setting internal deadline of boyfriend proposing

[DN]

I think that asking someone to propose to you (or demanding it) is ridiculous.

[OptomisticGirl]

I think bullying is ridiculous -but she shoud not stay longer than she's comfortable and explain to him nicely but firmly, that she's going to have to end the relationship if he's not ready to commit to getting engaged. He should propose only if he desires to, of course. Her asserting herself is not bullying, IMO.

 

So what happens if the boyfriend isn't ready until six months after her deadline? Is she willing to dump him because he doesn't fit HER timeline? What about his timeline? I can understand having a goal to reach in a relationship but yet again, where does one draw the line between a goal and an ultimateum?

[sweetpea03]

So what happens if the boyfriend isn't ready until six months after her deadline? Is she willing to dump him because he doesn't fit HER timeline? What about his timeline? I can understand having a goal to reach in a relationship but yet again, where does one draw the line between a goal and an ultimateum?

 

How long of a timeline does he need? They are both in their 30s and should be able to decide and know what they want. Getting engaged doesn't mean they are walking down the isle tomorrow. Just means they are moving forward. If he can't propose by then, I'd be skeptical as to where his heart is.

[Batya33]

I think it should be discussed and she should compromise only if he has a good reason for waiting beyond when she is comfortable and has a specific date in mind when he will be ready- not "I'm not ready, not sure why ,not sure when I will be"

[OptomisticGirl]

How long of a timeline does he need? They are both in their 30s and should be able to decide and know what they want. Getting engaged doesn't mean they are walking down the isle tomorrow. Just means they are moving forward. If he can't propose by then, I'd be skeptical as to where his heart is.

 

What if he wants to be with someone with 4 years, 5 years before marrying them? Does that make his timeline less important than her's? I'm not saying her timeline is wrong, it's HER time line. She is alloweed to have it. But at the same time does that mean you disregard the other person's time line without coming to a compromise first? And no, it doesn't mean they have to walk down the aisle tomorrow but it's still a step forward. If he's not ready then yeah she should leave, but why not just propose to him if he hasn't to her yet?

[OptomisticGirl]

I think it should be discussed and she should compromise only if he has a good reason for waiting beyond when she is comfortable and has a specific date in mind when he will be ready- not "I'm not ready, not sure why ,not sure when I will be"

 

So should she not have to answer his question of why she wants a ring on her finger so quickly?

[SayWhen]

I think it's reasonable that you are feeling as you are, but...have you spoken to him about it? I guess for some people it takes the surprise and the romance out of it to try and talk about "timelines" but he may not even be thinking about it, and at this point I think it would be a natural discussion to have. I don't think I'd bring up Dec 2011 as a "deadline"...that sounds like an ultimatum. Perhaps just talk to him about how marriage is something you'd really like to one day have with him, and ask how he feels about that. That will be enough for him to know you are ready to be engaged...and it is up to him to make the next move, unless you want to propose to him.

[sweetpea03]

What if he wants to be with someone with 4 years, 5 years before marrying them? Does that make his timeline less important than her's? I'm not saying her timeline is wrong, it's HER time line. She is alloweed to have it. But at the same time does that mean you disregard the other person's time line without coming to a compromise first? And no, it doesn't mean they have to walk down the aisle tomorrow but it's still a step forward. If he's not ready then yeah she should leave, but why not just propose to him if he hasn't to her yet?

 

Well it's been a year and a half, that's enough time to know someone well enough to know if you want to be with them or not. If they want a family, it's better to not wait very long, being that the older you get the more difficult getting pregnant can be. They need to come up with some sort of compromise. I wouldn't be waiting around with a guy who says he isn't sure when we'll get married, I'd want to know if he thinks we'd ever get married and when he thinks a good time to get married is. Personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable proposing to my boyfriend. It's just one of those things where it's the guy's thing to do. Women typically are the ones who plan out the wedding, so the guy can propose.

[OptomisticGirl]

Well it's been a year and a half, that's enough time to know someone well enough to know if you want to be with them or not. If they want a family, it's better to not wait very long, being that the older you get the more difficult getting pregnant can be. They need to come up with some sort of compromise. I wouldn't be waiting around with a guy who says he isn't sure when we'll get married, I'd want to know if he thinks we'd ever get married and when he thinks a good time to get married is. Personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable proposing to my boyfriend. It's just one of those things where it's the guy's thing to do. Women typically are the ones who plan out the wedding, so the guy can propose.

 

While I agree (I have been with my fiance for 8 months) a lot of people argue you have to be with someone 2-3 years before marrying them. I agree, if they want children they need to do it soon but at the same time I wouldn't rush into marriage just because I was running out of time to have children with the OP. Not saying the OP is doing that but this is how it looks to me. If you are in a committed, loving relationship, and want marriage, then there has to be compromise on the time frame. Because if you love someone enough to want to marry them, why would it matter if he proposed before that deadline, at that deadline, or six months after that deadline? Would it not seem like that person just wants the marriage? Yet again not saying this is the OP's intent but if you love someone enough to marry them, why put a deadline on it? I can understand the rush of not wanting to waste your time but what's another six months?

 

I don't think proposing is the guy's job, and that is something women need to get over. Plenty of women propose to their SO. Just because we plan it doesn't mean we can't propose, especially if you want a proposal by a certain time. To say it's the man's job to do so would be the same as saying it's the woman's job to do nothing but pop out babies and tend to home. Very old fashioned ideas.

[Circe]

I love how everyone is just ignoring DN's repeated suggestion that OP propose to him like it's not a real alternative. Sigh. I feel like such a social lepper when I read these threads

 

I agree with the sentiment that it is ridiculous hinting to someone to propose to you, asking them to propose to you or telling them what your internal deadline is (negates the concept too) or even giving them a deadline. If you are ready (esp if time is precious) propose to him. Honestly.. I love male gallantry too - but what's enjoyable or to love about sitting there stressing for months and months about whether he'll propose or not? If a guy wants to open a door for me, great - I really appreciate that, it's sweet and makes me feel good. If I want to get married, I'll let my partner know and ask if he feels the same, and if so, we'll get married. That makes me feel good. Sitting there hoping and praying and wishing and dreaming - and stressing - wouldn't.

[Batya33]

I agree that she can propose to him but it probably makes sense to discuss this with him in advance and to tell him about her internal deadline and why she has it. I am very surprised at those who feel she is asking for a ring "quickly". Many of my friends who married in their 30s were together less than a year before getting engaged and less than 2 years before getting married. And I think that's perfectly reasonable for people in their 20s too. On the other hand -and this happens too- I have a friend in her late 30s who ended an on again off again 7 year dating relationship because she kept blowing her own deadlines and going back to him when from the first month together she knew about his obstacles to committing to her. In part he lead her on but in part she chose to get more and more attached. Now the pressure is on to meet someone and now she is not in the best health. I've seen several examples of people not honoring their own need for commitment and hanging around,missing out on other opportunities, etc. I was in a 7 year on again/off again "not quite right" relationship which ended when I was 38 (although at times it was "off" for months) - he did want to settle down,more than I did (because I sensed it wasn't quite right yet after all those years and the push-pull was unhealthily attached) and finally had enough. He dated his girlfriend about 8 months before getting engaged and they were married within a year of meeting, in their 40s.

[sweetpea03]

They usually say 2-3 years when people are in their 20s, since they aren't "mature" yet. The OP and her boyfriend are in their 30s. They have good jobs, are finishing school, etc. so they are set. There really isn't a reason to keep waiting to propose. They should know each other enough by now to know if they will get married or not. The deadline is to set a limit for how long you'll wait for a guy to make up his mind. Why stay with a guy who will always be unsure, it would be an awful waste of her time to be with him if he cannot commit. He can propose before the deadline or at the deadline, but personally, I wouldn't keep waiting if I wasn't sure if he was going to ever marry me. "I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." I like that quote. If he is really committed, he shouldn't have a problem proposing to her by the deadline.

[DN]

Once again, this is so passive-aggressive. "I want to get married by a certain time (which I am not going to tell my boyfriend) and if he doesn't propose by then, I am going to dump him despite the fact that I am a grown woman who could propose to him but won't because it's his job and he's supposed to be able to read my mind".

[Batya33]

Once again, this is so passive-aggressive. "I want to get married by a certain time (which I am not going to tell my boyfriend) and if he doesn't propose by then, I am going to dump him despite the fact that I am a grown woman who could propose to him but won't because it's his job and he's supposed to be able to read my mind".

 

DN,I thought the OP was going to talk about her timetable with him far enough in advance. Yes, I agree she could propose but there's a lot of benefit to discussing all of this in advance.

[DN]

She said that she is going to let him know she has 'some sort' of internal deadline.

 

But the main point i am trying to get at is that the idea that a woman has to wait until a man proposes is really out of date and does not conform with the idea of a strong woman going for what she wants instead of waiting for a man to initiate. It just seems so weak.

[OptomisticGirl]

They usually say 2-3 years when people are in their 20s, since they aren't .

 

I think this is just completely biased. A 30 year old can be just as immature as some 20 year olds. What, just because their biological clock is ticking they don't have to adhere to a time table like society thinks 20 year olds should? Thank God I refuse to conform to society.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Why don't you just talk to him? You don't have to put deadlines nor do you have to propose to him in the old fashioned way. Tell him you want to get engaged and married and ask what his thoughts are and if he is on the same page.

[sweetpea03]

I think this is just completely biased. A 30 year old can be just as immature as some 20 year olds. What, just because their biological clock is ticking they don't have to adhere to a time table like society thinks 20 year olds should? Thank God I refuse to conform to society.

 

I know that, but most 20 year olds can be be very immature. I'm talking about the age for the majority of people, though there are exceptions. They've already been together a year and a half and she's giving him a year to propose, so their relationship is in the 2 to 3 year area. By the time you are 30, most have dated around and know specifically what they are looking for. They are not inexperienced and are mature enough to move forward. A lot of 16 year olds think they are mature and then they get to be 20 something and look back on themselves and think wow I was immature. By 30, you've grown a lot and learned a lot. I do think a deadline is a good idea, but they need to talk about it. Both of them need to be on the same page.

[OptomisticGirl]

I know that, but most 20 year olds can be be very immature. I'm talking about the age for the majority of people, though there are exceptions. They've already been together a year and a half and she's giving him a year to propose, so their relationship is in the 2 to 3 year area. By the time you are 30, most have dated around and know specifically what they are looking for. They are not inexperienced and are mature enough to move forward. A lot of 16 year olds think they are mature and then they get to be 20 something and look back on themselves and think wow I was immature. By 30, you've grown a lot and learned a lot. I do think a deadline is a good idea, but they need to talk about it. Both of them need to be on the same page.

 

I agree there can be some sort of deadline, nothing wrong with that. But I was just posing the thought that they need to compromise that timeline. If he wants to propose in Dec 2012 will that still be alright with the OP or because it's a year after her time line is it not good?

[Batya33]

I agree there can be some sort of deadline, nothing wrong with that. But I was just posing the thought that they need to compromise that timeline. If he wants to propose in Dec 2012 will that still be alright with the OP or because it's a year after her time line is it not good?

 

For me it would depend on the reason why, with "I'm not ready yet" probably not being acceptable after all that time together. It's interesting that you describe yourself as non-conformist and yet you are choosing to get married and have a wedding reception,yes?

[OptomisticGirl]

For me it would depend on the reason why, with "I'm not ready yet" probably not being acceptable after all that time together. It's interesting that you describe yourself as non-conformist and yet you are choosing to get married and have a wedding reception,yes?

 

I can understand needing a good reason, but if he's not ready he's not ready. Nothing she can do about it. I am getting married. Not having the traditional kind but I also didn't have a deadline for my fiance to propose to me by, he did it when he wanted to.

[sweetpea03]

I agree there can be some sort of deadline, nothing wrong with that. But I was just posing the thought that they need to compromise that timeline. If he wants to propose in Dec 2012 will that still be alright with the OP or because it's a year after her time line is it not good?

 

He'd have to have a good reason for wanting to wait longer. They've been together long enough to know, so it looks like he would have commitment issues if he can't propose by the time line she has. Usually when you love someone, you want to be with them all the time and want to make that next step. If he is unsure and holding back, that would make me nervous.

[Circe]

I again, don't understand the idea of waiting to be proposed to until the man is 'ready'. I think if you are ready, you let them know. Perhaps they just haven't thought about it or assumed you weren't ready or thought they had to wait to be at a certain life stage first before getting married. Letting them know you are ready and want to do it can put it into perspective that maybe they don't need to wait for X milestone first.

 

I think proposals should be a two-way conversation, extended over time if necessary. Not a moment in time completely initiated by one person with or without hints from the other. I don't even really know what's so romantic about that. It carries this image of the woman just sitting and waiting until the man decides she's good enough to spend forever with. I don't get why some people see this as the most romantic moment of their lives..

 

As for 'being too soon' - I think it takes a certain amount of time to know someone sufficiently enough to know that you'd be compatible enough to spend your lives together happily. But I wouldn't try to draw a line and say X years is definitely the amount of time it takes! It's going to vary. Obviously if you've been friends before you dated you'd need less time ...

[KarateKate]

When it's time to move on, you'll know. I always told myself and my boyfriend that five years was my limit, but I ended up leaving after four. The resentment ate away at myself and the relationship, and the relationship just kind of died on its own. It wasn't a choice I made-my feelings just changed, and I knew it was time to leave.

 

If you're interested in proposing, make sure you get a clear picture regarding his feelings, first. My boyfriend and I had what felt like a million conversations about the issue. He wasn't ready, but he had no idea why or when he might be. Obviously, me proposing would have ended in disaster. Although, I think proposing is better than giving an ultimatum.

 

Talk to him. Have plenty of conversations about this. If it's time to move on, you'll know.

[Batya33]

I can understand needing a good reason, but if he's not ready he's not ready. Nothing she can do about it. I am getting married. Not having the traditional kind but I also didn't have a deadline for my fiance to propose to me by, he did it when he wanted to.

 

And would you have waited another 20 years? 10? 5? Forever? If all he said was "I'm not ready, not sure when/if I will be?"