Girl I'm Dating....Seeing Her Ex

[ny guy]

Ok, so I've posted a few times about this girl that I'm dating now. Quick backstory:

 

-I broke up with ex more than a month ago, I don't speak to her, I'm over it ready to date.

-She broke up with her ex approx. 6 months ago. He is trying to get her back as of recent. She's been open and honest with this to me.

-We met for the first time about 2 weeks after I broke up. I was up front about my situation with her. We went on first date about a week after that, and have gone on another one recently, and will be getting together this Saturday.

 

 

Ok, so as far as what she's divulged to me about her ex in our conversations, it sounds like she is leaning towards the no side of the fence through conversations. Also, I had spoken to her recently and she had said that was going to an event this coming Sunday. So we were talking about that a bit, it winds up being that she got her ex tickets to some event a long time ago, and she may be going with him this Sunday. She said that she is not sure though, b/c he hasn't said whether he wants to go or not.

 

 

So she spoke about her situation a bit. It sounded like she did love him at the time, but just didn't see a future with them together, and there were certain things that bothered her about him, so she broke up with him about 6 months ago.

 

We've both been pretty cool in our dealings with each other, but on our second date as I had written in previous thread, it is evident that we are attracted to each other. She let me kiss her and embrace her towards the end of the night, and we were doing that for a long time that night. I really like her and want to get to know her, and I know that for both her and my sake (from my recent breakup) that I should keep a grips on my feelings for her and keep those cards close to me. She was always pretty cold via texting, I think that is just her style. Our conversations on the phone have gotten much more comfortable, but we don't talk a lot, prob like once or twice a week (only been a month or so). When I ask to make plans, she always seems receptive as well, and we try to make our schedules work.

 

 

So, I know that I should keep my guard up due to the situation with the ex, and I feel like I already know the answer to my own question. But, why would she be so open to going to an event with her ex?

 

I am doing my best to be cool and not too revealing of how much I like her at this point. I think that I should just let her deal with her ex by herself, and not influence her in any fashion other than to 'follow what her gut is telling' her, which is what I had said to her. Frankly, that is what I want. If she chooses to go back to him, it is what it is. I'll be disappointed, but there are others out there.

 

 

Am I being too understanding about this situation? Should I pull back a lot and let her sort it out with her ex?

[Callacova]

Yeah dude you can't compete with him since she already has time "invested" in him. Find someone else before you and her get going

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You are a month out of a relationship...you were the dumper for the second time in that relationship. You fluctuated between warm fuzzy feelings for her and ambivalence and couldn't quite figure out what you wanted. You bolted the minute your gf had said she really cared about you and basically thought you were the one. Now you are dating someone who is emotionally unavailable. I have to wonder if you are emotionally unavailable and therefore choosing this kind of relationship because you don't want to emotionally commit to anyone and just want temporary, for now, relationships which won't go very far. Sounds to me like you and this woman are both using each other as a diversion and to have some no strings attached dating while you figure out what is in your own minds. One of you is going to get hurt in the long run.

[ny guy]

You are a month out of a relationship...you were the dumper for the second time in that relationship. You fluctuated between warm fuzzy feelings for her and ambivalence and couldn't quite figure out what you wanted. You bolted the minute your gf had said she really cared about you and basically thought you were the one. Now you are dating someone who is emotionally unavailable. I have to wonder if you are emotionally unavailable and therefore choosing this kind of relationship because you don't want to emotionally commit to anyone and just want temporary, for now, relationships which won't go very far. Sounds to me like you and this woman are both using each other as a diversion and to have some no strings attached dating while you figure out what is in your own minds. One of you is going to get hurt in the long run.

 

Maybe you're right, and that is definitely the perception that anyone would take from it, so I can't argue with that. At first, yea it was easy to cop out and be like, ok whatever happens will happen. Now, I know I'm totally putting myself in a precarious position. Part of me is OK with that, because the way I see it now, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Part of me is anxious about this particular situation. I'm definitely not going out of my way for this girl (aside from being ok with the situation). Then again, along with the infatuation/lust that i'm feeling, I know it's clouding my mind.

 

This is probably a train wreck in motion the way it's going, but I feel like if she was truly emotionally unavailable, she wouldn't be so open for getting together, especially with working around our contrasting schedules.

 

 

I was thinking maybe I should just stick with my plans this Saturday, have a good time, then slow down and pump the brakes. I guess at this point, it's kinda hard to 'do' this without making it a point to talk about it. I guess I can talk about it. I really haven't made like I'm too concerned about it up to this point, in order to keep things light. I guess I just gotta man up and deal with the risk that I'm taking.

[Ariel85]

You're being a doormat, hon.

 

Basically, you are letting her keep you on a leash. She's been honest that she *may* want to go back with her ex. Trust me on this - if she was leaning towards being back with him, she wouldn't tell you until she was certain. Until then, you're sitting there like a lap dog waiting for her to make her decision.

 

So, I would either tell her it's cool that she's considering her ex, but then tell her you're fine with it because you are dating other women, OR, just cut her loose until she makes up her mind.

 

Personally, I would have NO respect for a guy who stuck around after I told him I was considering going back to my ex. Don't be that guy!

[ny guy]

You're being a doormat, hon.

 

Basically, you are letting her keep you on a leash. She's been honest that she *may* want to go back with her ex. Trust me on this - if she was leaning towards being back with him, she wouldn't tell you until she was certain. Until then, you're sitting there like a lap dog waiting for her to make her decision.

 

So, I would either tell her it's cool that she's considering her ex, but then tell her you're fine with it because you are dating other women, OR, just cut her loose until she makes up her mind.

 

Personally, I would have NO respect for a guy who stuck around after I told him I was considering going back to my ex. Don't be that guy!

 

You're totally right, $h!t. She is aware that I am open to dating other people now. I have been seeing someone else recently in addition to this girl, but I don't think that matters that much.

 

I'll say something next time I see her.

[Ariel85]

Well, I know things are just starting with her, and you're fresh from your own wounds, but I think when people really blur the lines between old and new, it becomes very difficult for anyone (meaning you) to get your footing and feel good about things.

 

Maybe it's just not the right time for you guys? Because really - if this guy was a total non-issue, she never would have brought it up at all.

 

I was dating someone over the summer and we had to end things (issues with him related to the war). We ended it on a great note, however, and felt good about trying this again down the road. BUT, I ended up meeting new guy during that time, so summer guy was out of the picture. Well, summer guy kept calling and texting, so I told him I had met someone new. That only made him step up his game (futile, as I was crazy about new guy). Regardless, I NEVER once told new guy about summer guy, because 1) summer guy was a non-issue, even though he tried very hard to win me back, and 2) I saw no purpose in making new guy feel insecure about old flames still pursuing me. It was way gamey for me.

 

So, you get me, right? I'm not saying dump her, if you like her, but I would pull WAY back.

[1guygirl]

You're totally right, $h!t. She is aware that I am open to dating other people now. I have been seeing someone else recently in addition to this girl, but I don't think that matters that much.

 

I'll say something next time I see her.

 

let her deal with her ex while you date others...if you are both ok dating others i dont see what the problem is here regarding her ex...you are after all seeing someone else

[ny guy]

Yea, I feel like the timing is just not right, but, it is what it is. I am glad that I haven't invested more than I already have, I am still looking forward to meeting other people, but I really like this girl. I guess it's been a long time since someone else has given me that 'feeling' inside, and being super attracted to them. I was thinking about it, I haven't put in an all-star effort into this, so I don't feel as much of a door mat as before. When it comes down to it, we've both been pretty aloof about it, and she's been relatively receptive. Also, I feel like her being cool with me was a good thing, I just didn't realize how much back in the picture the ex was. Now, it all makes sense.

 

 

 

 

True story. I spoke to my sister about it. She was in the same situation when she was in the process of getting back with an ex a few years ago. She was lightly dating some guy, and then, the ex came back into picture although I'm not sure who initiated that. She said that guy didn't really get the picture for a bit, but eventually left her alone. She told me just to enjoy it for what it is, keep dating around, and not to expect too much out of this girl. Also that it is just bad timing.

 

 

I think what I'll do is just have a good time Saturday and at the end of the day, I'll just ask her to tell me if/when she's going back with the guy, so I don't potentially invest more of my emotions into it. And to have a crappy time at the concert! haha

[Ariel85]

at the end of the day, I'll just ask her to tell me if/when she's going back with the guy, so I don't potentially invest more of my emotions into it.

 

She likely won't give you a fair response to this. I wouldn't approach it like that.

 

I would tell her flat out that you like her and enjoy time with her, but for your own sense of self, you think it's best to extricate yourself from the equation while she figures out what she wants. Tell her if she changes her mind and works the ex through her system and would like to try again in the future, she knows how to reach you, and if you're single at that time, maybe you can start this up again. Then wish her well and walk from it.

[ny guy]

I see what you're saying, I'm giving her too much control if I do that, control over me. Your way would definitely give me control over myself in this situation. I see that I'm letting her have the best of both worlds, and there is really no way that I can really compete with the ex, as there is too much history. Even if this led to something between us, the ex would always be a question in her mind. I wouldn't want that. I'd want that person to be in a clear state of mind.

 

Thanks so much for your input everyone, definitely helping me to see the forest from the trees. Thanks for keeping it real too, sometimes it stings a bit to read what you guys say, but that's really the only way to truly learn I think.

[Ariel85]

Exactly right. Don't give her more power. Let her know she's lost you, for know, because she's on the fence.

 

Truly, only good will come from doing this. Either she will realize she wants YOU and will dump the ex entirely, or, she gets back with him, which is OK, since youre moving on to bigger and better anyhow.

 

Win win.

[Growl1971]

agreed. walk away, and in time, if she truly feels for you, she'll be chasing YOU down.

 

BUT...do it with class, maturity, dignity...take the HIGH road. leave her thinking 'wow, i think i might have just screwed up'... the only way to do that is to do it like an adult...not a petulant child!

 

best of luck! and be PATIENT

[jenny_mcs]

Personally, I think all of this worry and stress is extremely excessive. If I'm reading your posts correctly, you have gone out on 2 dates?

[Day_Walker]

I think that there are a couple fundamental facts in dating and one of them that if she is attached (physically or emotionally) to another then there is no point in dating the person. I think that you should just let this one go, she obviously is not done with her ex and since you are interested in this girl it isnt fair for you to want to be involved with her while she is emotionally involved with her ex. I would politely bow out of the situation and just generally say "you werent feeling it"

[ny guy]

Personally, I think all of this worry and stress is extremely excessive. If I'm reading your posts correctly, you have gone out on 2 dates?

 

Maybe you're right, but you know what, I can't help what I feel. I really like her.

 

I would politely bow out of the situation and just generally say "you werent feeling it"

 

I don't know if I'd want to put it like that. Why would I tell someone whom I like and really want to get to know more I "wasn't feeling it". Seems like that is more for her sake to forget about me.

 

Thing is, I don't know how emotionally involved she is with her ex, that is a big question mark. I think best thing I can do, after thinking about it and talking with you all and my sister is let her know how I feel at this point, get out of that situation, and let the chips fall where they may.

[ATLstudent]

Some girls like the bring up their ex's to mess with u......Usually her bringing up her ex in conversation means..well.....she knows what shes doing......she knows it bothers u im sure.....or is testing to see if it does...........Basically lay it out for her....after another date...or whenever u feel u want to take it to a more serious place...lay it out to her.....meaning what u want out of her.......if it were me i would say stop talking to your ex...but if she wanted to keep talking to him...i wouldnt give her grief about it.....just say thank you and move along.

[ny guy]

Some girls like the bring up their ex's to mess with u......Usually her bringing up her ex in conversation means..well.....she knows what shes doing......she knows it bothers u im sure.....or is testing to see if it does...........Basically lay it out for her....after another date...or whenever u feel u want to take it to a more serious place...lay it out to her.....meaning what u want out of her.......if it were me i would say stop talking to your ex...but if she wanted to keep talking to him...i wouldnt give her grief about it.....just say thank you and move along.

 

If i recall correctly, she hasn't really brought him up at all herself. She told me outright from the beginning her situation, on our first date. Also, the only time it has really come up is when she asked about my ex. I would ask a few questions, but I never asked her "so are you thinking of getting back together with him?". I didn't really dig that deep just because I'm not sure if the details are my business. Maybe I'm wrong for thinking that.

 

Thing is, I want her to move on (if she ever does) from the ex on her own accord. If by chance, she does move on on her own, I think there'd be a much greater chance that she'd be over those mixed feelings and be more decisive. I think saying 'don't talk to your ex' is just an attempt to get control over her. It is really in the early stages of dating for us. And at this stage, I don't want to try to control her like that, I'd want her to want to get to know me better for herself. If I were in a more serious relationship, I'd have grounds to say stop talking to the ex, but now, I don't think that's an option.

 

I'll post this weekend on how it goes.

[BriarRose]

I wouldn't want anything to do with someone who was seeing their ex again, even if just casually. I would take Ariel's advice.

[ny guy]

Arite guys so we had a pretty good day today at that event.

 

At the end of the day I said my peace, that I was going to let her take care of things with her ex and that I'm getting myself out of the situation. Her response was along the lines of 'well I had told you already'.

 

Then on my way back she texted that she had a lot of fun and that she felt bad that she put me in the middle of her drama. I just wrote that 'i had a great time with her and I appreciated her honesty with things'.

 

Part of me is kinda sad about this, I feel down a bit, but it's the right thing to do. Time to move on.

[Day_Walker]

I think it is very normal to feel sad about a situation that didnt turn out the way that you wanted it to. You definitely did what was best for you and that is what is important. You also noticed that when a girl is attached to another person there is no point in dating her, which is a valuable lesson. Good luck on finding the next one.

[ny guy]

I think it is very normal to feel sad about a situation that didnt turn out the way that you wanted it to. You definitely did what was best for you and that is what is important. You also noticed that when a girl is attached to another person there is no point in dating her, which is a valuable lesson. Good luck on finding the next one.

 

True story. Everyone here gave me great advice which I really appreciate, I definitely feel like I learned something from this experience. As Jay-Z says, on to the next one! Thanks again.

[Ms Darcy]

Arite guys so we had a pretty good day today at that event.

 

At the end of the day I said my peace, that I was going to let her take care of things with her ex and that I'm getting myself out of the situation. Her response was along the lines of 'well I had told you already'.

 

Then on my way back she texted that she had a lot of fun and that she felt bad that she put me in the middle of her drama. I just wrote that 'i had a great time with her and I appreciated her honesty with things'.

 

Part of me is kinda sad about this, I feel down a bit, but it's the right thing to do. Time to move on.

 

Good for you! Good luck.