I'm not sure how I feel now.

[Islandia]

That message is about the grail of what you can expect from a dumper. At this point, you really don't have to do anything. If she wants anything to progress - she will definitely let you know. I think the best thing for you to do is figure out what you want in relation to her and have that in mind when she inevitably will contact you again.

[SA2000]

We are going to a movie tomorrow night. I talked to her for like 20 minutes tonight and she mentioned she was at a work function last night. And here I thought she was out getting drunk with the girls. Has she really changed? She still has a lot of proving to do. I'm not going to be a jerk or be stand offish or whatever but I am going to be somewhat guarded. I'm still recovering from all of this. But I have a feeling that once we see each other it will just feel normal like it always does. For now I am going to stop over thinking everything.

[thekid55]

This thread is a great learning tool for all of us. It helps me picture what exactly I would do if my ex wanted to come to me right now and reconcile. We've only been broken up for 2 weeks and I'm still in the healing process. I've gotten needy, begged, etc and it has definitely pushed her away. I haven't initiated contact for three days now and I'm feeling much, much better.

 

SA, can you post some of your original threads in here?

[oasisrob22]

SA, I have been following your threads for several weeks now. I wish you the best of luck, you seem like a sharp guy.

[SA2000]

The Kid - There are a few but here are the more important ones.

 

This one I used to detail how I felt on a daily basis so it's a bit all over the place:

 

 

This one is more recent in regards to me going NC and not responding to her texts and calls:

.

 

And this one details me starting to feel better and see light at the end of the tunnel:

 

 

The crazy part about looking back on all of this is that I am right where I wanted to be and now am conflicted as to how I feel about the whole situation.

[SA2000]

Well I'm sure glad nothing got solved. We talked but not really. We were both too guarded to really get to the issue at hand. At one point she said it felt awkward like a first date which I agree with. We would both open up a little but then pull back with a follow up statement. For example she would say "I can only be really happy with you. But I'll probably never get married". We talked for a solid hour or so and I asked her what her text was all about. She said she really misses me but that it feels awkward now and that she feels as though I'm a different person. We agreed to talk when we wake up.

 

After tonight I feel as though things are different. I feel differently towards her and kind of numb. I feel ok being with or without her which is a strange place to be in. I think she could sense that which caused her to go into her shell a little bit. I'll post more after we talk tomorrow but I'm guessing that conversation doesn't go far. And I'm ok with that.

[GotMyLifeBack]

Could be you'll both open up gradually. Could be you've outgrown her. Could be one or both of you have been worn down by the ordeal. As you say, you'll need to talk more to know what's going on.

[SA2000]

I am now thinking back on our conversation and thinking about how I would feel to go back. God, she's beautiful. Anyways, this is a difficult situation when I think realistically what the possibilites are. I am still upset that she left. She knows that. I think she is finally over all of the things I did years ago that broke her trust. I don't know how she really feels though. Yeah her email was nice, but when I saw her it didn't feel like she was the same person who wrote it. But I guess we need to talk more to get into the details. The problem is that when we talk I usually do most of the talking.

 

Here's a recap: I pick her up and she's running late. She had to dye her hair because she saw a picture of us and thought it looked cute. So she gets in the car and we listen to some music. I didn't want to Start talking right off the bat. We go see the movie which was good but not great.

 

Afterwords we go to a diner to eat. We start talking about old times. She is telling me about her friends and their lives. I tell her that I removed myself from that circle for a reason. She says it feels like I look down upon her. Like I am a disapproving Dad. I guess I can see that. So I ask her what was up with the text she sent. She says oh it was my journal entry that day. I tell her that it doesn't seem to fit. That we had a conversation last time I saw her where she told me she was going to date this other dude seriously. After that she sent that text, and now we are having sine awkward conversation in a diner at 2 am. She says she misses the old us but feels like we have changed. I tell her we have but that if we spend time together that we would see how quickly things became "normal". We finish our meals and leave.

 

I drive her home and we sit and talk. We are both taking a step forward and then a step backward. She asks what happened. How did we get to the point where we broke up. I tell her we both became insecure but that we handled it differently. She doesn't seem to like that response. She says "Why? Because I left?' and I say yeah. She asks if I am going to take any responsibility and I tell her I do. That had we not broken up we couldn't get to where we are today.

 

We talk about marriage. She goes from telling me that she knows she could be completely happy with me to saying that she doesn't know if she could get married and that shed have to elope. She seems to pull back here as I look back. I ask her how she feels about the whole situation. She says she was really missing us but that it's awkward now. She says that she knows that she could only be really happy with me though. I tell her that it's only because we haven't seen eachother in some time. She says she is afraid we would get bored if we were together. At first I take this as she would get bored and lean away from her. I say "I'm not worried about that because I always have me to keep me happy". She doesn't like that answer. It's like she wants me to need her. She says it's comments like those that make her question things. It is now getting late and we are not really going anywhere. We are both tired and afraid so I drive her to her door.

 

On the drive I tell her that things fell apart when she stopped making me feel like the big strong man. That I need to feel like the man to be completely happy. And I said that she probably felt that things fell apart when she stopped feeling pike the lady that I thought was sexy and wanted to protect. She agreed. I hugged her and called it a night.

 

So now I think we have taken a step back and don't know if we can move forward. There are major trust issues and I don't feel as though she will do what it takes to show me that I am the man. That I am her man. I guess I still don't have enough information. She still seems unsure and there is nothing I can do about that. I don't know what to say or do to tell her how I feel. I guess all I can do is listen to her now. I just hope she says something.

[sadchick83]

SA,

I think she wants you but she is also being manipulative with her responses. She says some thing then "disclaims" its intended meaning. It will be hard to resolve things with this type of communucation. You have it right when you say one step forward one step backwards.

[SA2000]

Sadchick - We both seem to be doing that. I'm following her lead. I don't know how to get around it though without coming off as needy. I want to be firm and say here is what I want. I want to start over. I want to make you happy and proud again. I want to be your strength again. I want to be your best friend again. You clearly want that too. Let's stop doing this dance and get things back on track. You didn't break my silence for no reason. Now back it up.

 

But that sounds like it's too much pressure. I'm known for being laid back and having a non chalant attitude. Where do I go from here?

 

I was hoping to have a nice playful morning. I texted her saying that I would be working around the house and that she should call me if she wants to hang out and give me a hand. I just wish she would open up and really commit to her feelings that I now know are still there and are still deep. It's like she is so scared.

[GotMyLifeBack]

SA, giving it your best guess, in one sentence, what is she scared of?

[SA2000]

Shes afraid to open up. She is over thinking things. Analysis paralysis. She's scared to make any solid decision. When I start to make them or her i.e walk away she starts to open up like she did in the text. I thought she was ready but now I don't know. She's at a crossroad and knows that one way or another her decisisons now will be permanent. She wants to hold out as long as possible before having to make a move. Her text was from the heart and she meant it but if she doesn't start showing it her exposing her heart will be for nothing. I'm waiting for her to show me something but she's not. Why send that text and invite me out and call me every day if it's going to be like this?

 

We need to simplify the situation. It's become to complex with third and fourth parties. We need to either start spending time together or cut ties. And we need to do that like now. I'm losing patience for this girl. I get that we miss each other but let's not make this harder then it needs to be. Either you want to be with me like really for real or you don't. Please don't waste anymore of my time. Love me or let me go.

[GotMyLifeBack]

SA, you may have read this already: link removed

 

Also, as long as there is a third and/or fourth person hovering around the perimeter of your relationship, no progress can be made.

[SA2000]

Yeah I know. I'm willing to cut that fourth person out but she's scared to get too close and be left alone. That's her biggest fear and she's letting it consume her. But her actions will do the talking. And right now they are saying I'm not ready. But I cant wait any longer for her. There has to be substance behind your words. Otherwise that's all they are. Just words.

[sadchick83]

I totally know your situation..if you push you seem needy (even though you are not) if you dont push, you may miss a great opportunity for reconciliation. You are both dancing the same dance, just not with eachother

[sunnyv]

Hey sa just tell her you want her back. That way you never can look back and say you didn't go after it. I would loveto be in your aituation. Its uo to you. What do you want? If it is her then by all means don't beat around the bush.

[SA2000]

Wish it was that easy man. I texted her back last night and said

In response to your long text I feel the same way. I feel like I can be complete with you. Like we are supposed to be with each other. As strange as that sounds. I know that we could make each other happy again and let our guard down again with time. After everything is said and done i feel like now that we know where we are supposed to be we could honestly be happy again without doubt. So follow your gut and your heart. I may seem different but at heart I know my T is still in there. And your SA is too. And you looked hot tonight. Dig the dark hair. Gnight.

So she does know how I feel. I honestly have no idea where to go from here.

[SA2000]

I called the ex to figure out where her head was at. Basically she said that things were awkward between us after our "date" and that she is still not sure what she wants in life.

 

As usual I told her that it wasn't fair for her to call me and that I couldn't move on if we stayed in contact. She said she wanted me to be a part of her life and didn't understand how I could just completely shut her out. I told her that I couldn't date anyone else seriously if I was still in love with her. She said that she did mean what she said in her text but that something was holding her back. I told her it wasn't fair to me for us to hang out when my intentions are not the same as hers. She agreed and said she didn't want to stand in the way of me finding that special person and that she wouldn't call or text until she was ready.

 

So part of me thinks that's the end of the road. That we won't speak again and that she will become more of a stranger then she already is and that eventually feelings will completely fade. That my all or nothing approach is unrealistic and that I have lost the closest person to me because I forced them out of my life. Maybe I should have been more patient to see where it would go.

 

Then another part of me says she'll be back. By her track record she'll be back in a week or so and will come up with a dumb reason to call or text me. That it won't truly be over until I honestly move on and stop answering.

 

Although I know you don't go from broken up to back together and that we actually have to see each other to reconcile, I feel like the timing is still off. That if she were ready honestly and not just sad she would make more of an effort to show it. Then again maybe I'm not giving her the opportunity. But I'm not going to sit around and be friends with her and read her texts while she also lives the single life. I have too much self respect for that.

[Kevo]

Don't beat yourself up. You were not unreasonable in what you asked for. You showed a lot of self respect and that'll stick in her mind too. Either way this ends up I think you played it well. Best of luck.

[professorplum]

I would like to echo Kevo's sentiments. Hope this works out for you.

[faithful14]

she's still doesn't seem 100% sure what she wants and so in a way, it's good to give yourselves time to see how you will feel. I think you did the right thing in what you told her. Either way, I think you will come out on top in this situation.

[GotMyLifeBack]

She'll definitely be back. She's still very attached and loves you. But yes, there is "something" inside her that's holding her back. I hate that she keeps screwing with you like this. If you felt strongly enough that you wanted her back, you two could devise a plan, perhaps see a couples therapist, and begin putting the pieces back together. But if she (and you) don't want to commit to that, you're choosing between no contact and this endless teasing thing she does to you. And, as you well know, you don't have to do anything you don't want to.

[sadchick83]

SA,

You have to have nerves of steel to handle this situation, she just keeps coming back, again and again....more often and with more intensity than any other poster on ENA. I don't know how you handle this emotional rollar coaster. I'm sorry, but the text she sent you was really intense and was basically begging you back. But as soon as you came back, she, yet again, is pulling away.

[SA2000]

Faithful - I agree. Everyone around me is like who breaks up with you but then keeps calling and texting you? I agree. Makes no sense and she clearly isn't 100% on anything. I don't know what her deal is.

 

Agonizing - NC is hell but I am getting pretty good at it. I hate the ups and downs too man but I know that I'll be OK in a few months if I stick with it. It's funny that everyone is banking on her coming back.

 

Sadchick - Yeah I don't get the whole intensity thing. That was crazy. If you don't want to be with me, why would you send that? And if that is the trend, what's next? Lol. Maybe had I kept some distance she would have continued the persuit. I just dont like playing games. As far as my nerves are concerned, I'm known for being really easy going and level headed.

[faithful14]

I believe more time needs to pass until there is absolute certainty of what she wants. She's still wishy-washy and I would protect yourself from that. She needs to prove that she won't pull this again and again....and her actions right now are not helping her case.