I'm not sure how I feel now.

[SA2000]

I got a call from my ex tonight saying she wants to hang out this weekend. I told her that we could hang out but it would be weird. While we were talking my call dropped. I called her back ten minutes later and we discussed what we were going to do. While I was talking to her I got a text that she apparently sent after the call dropped. I read it after I hung up. It read:

 

 

 

I didn't see that coming! Had I received this text 6 weeks ago I would have been ecstatic. Now I don't know how I feel. I have been doing a good job of healing and have started to enjoy my solitude. I guess NC does work. I was NIC for 7 weeks and got no where. I went NC for 2 weeks ignoring her calls and texts and finally responded saying that she needed to figure out her life.

 

She called me last night to say our dog was sick. I don't know why I answered but I did. She talked about work and my Mom who is sick. Then she called again today. I guess I don't know what she wants or meant or what this text even meant and actions speak louder then words but I am a firm believer in NC now! The only problem is that I may have healed too much. I don't know what to do now. I don't know if I want to walk back into the fire that has burned me twice in the last year.

 

So what do I do? What do I do if I am torn and worried I cant trust that it will last? How do you slowly approach a situation like this? How do I know if I really want to risk wasting more time? And how long does it take before you can honestly fully commit your heart again after someone walked out on you?

 

There is a part of me that wants to say you screwed up. Deal with it. But there is a part of me that says I love you and always will. Lets buck the trend and stick together.

[luckyman]

This is where you ask yourself how much is this girl really worth to me. If she means everything to you then your choice should be clear. If theres any doubt you walk away, and can live your life knowing you made the right choice, because you know you were looking for something more and it doesn't have to be necessarily "more" but different as well.

[iBroken]

Congrats! This text must have felt good?

 

Dont rush to any conclusions right now. Take some time to process what she has said. Go with your gut. Its never wrong.

[SA2000]

When I read the text I just stood there staring at my phone in a strange contemplative state. I tried to respond but didnt know how or what to say. She called me about ten minutes later asking if I still wanted to hang out. I told her I did but that I didnt understand her text and that I would need to think about what it means. I will take my time to see if this is what I want. I am not rushing back into anything at this point because this whole process has been painful.

 

But hell yeah it felt good!

 

And in the grand scheme of things I really needed this time. I don't know what will happen next but I am glad that either way I have me back again.

[RobD70]

This is always how it works, how it has to work.

 

You stop caring so much and they send something like that. Many people ask when will they know when their ex is ready to reconcile and what she wrote is a perfect example of what you'll see. They make it pretty obvious .

 

The tables are turning and now it's up to you. She can sense you pulling away for good this time, mainly because you are no longer showing interest or being emotional.

 

I remember being there myself. It's nice when you realize you hold all the cards. Now you have to decide is it worth trying again or use your new found confidence to try something new. You are not on the clock so don't feel that you have to rush to anything.

 

If you try again, as long as you are not afraid to walk away at anytime and know you will be alright alone then she will sense that and will probably stick around.

[sadchick83]

Wow SA,

That's all I have to say.....See how Full NC worked? It just worked for me as well. I wish the best for you , but what happens if you give her some of yourself and she pulls back again? Thank your phone provider for that dropped call!!!!

[PaleSeptember]

If you try again, as long as you are not afraid to walk away at anytime and know you will be alright alone then she will sense that and will probably stick around.

 

Wise words! I'm trying with my ex again currently, and I feel this way, and it makes you feel stronger for it.

[okiedokiestomp]

this is where actions definitely speak louder than words especially if you have been hurt twice before this past year. I'd let her know that she has a lot of prooving to do given the past hurt you have endured and until then you are not sure what you want and what is best for you. I remember reading on here that you have to fully get over your ex before you could ever really win them back and that basically it would have to be a whole new relationship starting from scratch as if you were new to each other to begin with. I think that would be the best approach IF you decided to give it another try, but I would follow the old addage "trust but verify" until you are comfortable with opening your heart to her again and I would suggest some couples counciling as well if you seriously decided to give it another shot. This would give you the best shot at working out the issues of the past and clearing the slate for a new chapter. Either way you are and have always been in the position to decide what is best for you.

[GotMyLifeBack]

This is great news, whatever you decide. You've been through a lot post BU. Just to echo a previous post, you really need to think of this as a possible NEW relationship. I know you worked hard on yourself. I hope she has done the same.

[Bobbadoo]

If you would get back with her, I would take it slow as if you are dating another person again since feelings and emotions are not the same. Then slowly build that trust up. Make sure to talk out any problems you had that caused the break up from before and learn from them.

[perio]

I was moved by that note.

[30yrold]

That is about the best note you could ever expect from anyone. If you still have feelings for this woman, just take things slow, and try to rebuild friendship and trust. There is a lot of love between the two of you, and it sounds like progress can be made if it is attempted equally by both parties.

 

If I were in that situation, I would begin by acknowledging her feelings, and share some of my own, staying honest and direct. Then I would slowly spend more and more time with her, and not having any expectations. Just enjoy her as a person, and let things happen as naturally as possible. All the best to you

[AutumnBorn]

....So what do I do? What do I do if I am torn and worried I cant trust that it will last? How do you slowly approach a situation like this? How do I know if I really want to risk wasting more time? And how long does it take before you can honestly fully commit your heart again after someone walked out on you?

 

That was the War and Peace of text messages. What do you do? Take the same advice you gave her - figure out your life. Whatever you do, you'll make the right decision.

[SA2000]

Although this was exactly what I wanted to hear, that is where the problem lies. It has to be more than what I want to hear. It has to be backed up by actions. I will talk to her tonight or tomorrow regarding this but I don't think that she has really changed. She misses me, I get that part, but is that enough? She completely destroyed my trust and that will be extremely difficult to rebuild. I am not a jealous person by nature and I can't allow anyone to change that. If I don't like who I am with her I'd rather be happy alone.

 

But how do you know someone will really commit? How do you know someone won't just flake out? I guess you get what you accept in life.

[LarsWB]

you DON'T know that someone will really commit...or that they'll follow through, or that the will or will not destroy your heart again. That's how it works. You have to trust your heart, look at the big picture, have faith, and either go for it...or not. It's a gamble, and we can't control others.

[SA2000]

I guess that is where the whole trust thing comes into play. I need to see more though. We have been down this road before only to end up going through the same thing over and over again. The difference this time is that I have a clear path in life. I know what I want, where I want to go, and what I am and am not willing to accept. I feel as though I left the relationship a boy and woke up one day as a man.

 

I guess seeing where her head is at is the first step. What does this text really mean? Does it mean that she is willing to put in the work that it will require? Is it even possible to recoup what we lost? Can we survive if she is no longer number 1 in my mind but number 2 behind myself? Or was this just a text at a lonely moment that she will recant?

[okiedokiestomp]

Although this was exactly what I wanted to hear, that is where the problem lies. It has to be more than what I want to hear. It has to be backed up by actions.

 

it always comes back to actions and words matching. You can begin to trust her again once you see they do match consistently over time. I think it's solid advice to give that you should not trust too soon or too much too soon, but in steps as she prooves that she has done some self reflection and work on herself. her missing you is a start but you can't build a successful relationship on that if she hasn't addressed the core issues that caused her to flake out on you before. Most on here would kill to have their ex send them an email or text like the one you received but I think you have the right attitude in being careful not to just accpet at face value in this instance. Missing you is one thing having done the heavy lifting that is required to find out why she acted the way she did previously is something completely different and sadly most are not prepared or are not interested in doing that. Please keep us posted

[sadchick83]

Maybe you are right, go by her actions, rather than words. Words can open the door to a recincilliation, but actions will allow you to build your trust again. Keep he at #2 and you will never be as disappointed again.

[SA2000]

Sadchick - I think that is where I went wrong in the past. I feel as though if you are doing something to get something back in return (i.e. doing anything in a relationship to get a specific reaction) then you set yourself up for let down. But when you do things because doing them makes YOU happy, then you can not be disappointed.

 

In the past I would do things for her because doing those things made me happy. At some point I started doing things to attempt to make her happy. When I no longer got the desired response I would become upset. But when I did things for her because they made me happy there was no desired response. Remembering to make myself happy first, and in turn make others happy around me by having a positive attitude, is my take away from this. And it is a MAJOR take away. I finally get why people say go NC and work on you.

[sadchick83]

SA,

I was totally in the same boat! I am a "giver" by nature...It sounds like you were as well. This is the point I can relate to your above email...Even if you are doing things that are nice, make you happy, make her happy, you will become resentful if the receiving party is not appreciative, or remains selfish. Maybe for you it is too little, to late.

 

I have been suffering just like you SA. I basically gave up this past weekend...guess who calls and asks me for dinner Monday night (was a holiday here), is as sweet as pie? My ex. Like he could smell I gave up on him.

 

SA, I think you and I both know you are going to try again with this girl

 

 

Here is a great site for some guidance:

 

link removed

[SA2000]

Sadchick - As much as I want to, I just don't know. I feel worse now then I did during NC. I feel like I am setting myself up to start all over again. I read and reread her text trying to figure out what she is saying. Is she saying she WANTS to get back together or is she saying she feels as though she can not feel complete without me but is going to live with it. And do I want to go through this all again? I don't know that I can be the person I was. I can't say that I wont run at the first sign of smoke and this is no way to approach a relationship.

 

I am yet to respond to her text. We talked briefly and she asked that I call her the next day (yesterday) but when I texted her she was out. I also don't want to date someone who is constantly putting people over me. In your mind it should be You, Your family, Me, Everyone else. If I am after friends, thanks but no thanks.

 

I don't know how I feel honestly anymore. If I don't feel that I can trust her and give it my all then whats the point? We might as well continue on the path we are on. Also, as strange as it may sound, there is a part of me that doesn't want to deal with it all. Like I would rather just be alone.

[GotMyLifeBack]

So SA, you sound conflicted. One way you might think about this is that you need more "data", about where your heart is, and about what is on your ex's mind. You don't have to do anything if you're not ready. Breathe. Let a few things settle. And make yourself #1, in all the best ways possible.

[BeijingPolice9]

I would say try not to feel pressured by all this, although that may sound ridiculous! Time is on your side at the moment. She is not going anywhere else. You can do what you need to do, indulge in the things that you enjoy, while you decide what your next move may be.

[SA2000]

Thanks. I am conflicted and that is because I don't have all of the information. I feel as though I was taken off guard but yet I don't know what the situation is. I don't want to rush anything as I never want to be where I was a few weeks ago again in my life. But thanks for all of the support!

[sadchick83]

You have been through a lot, I know, I read all of your posts! You have probably formed some type of protection barrier around your self, and your feelings...BTW, her text says she wants you back, but, as I have said before, actions speak the loudest.

 

I'm not even sure I can give you advice at this point. What will you do?