I'm not sure how I feel now.

[SA2000]

I shouldnt say nonchalance isn't working. It makes it seem as though I have an agenda. I still care for my ex but I am not trying to get her back. If it happens, great. It'll take a lot of work but I have never been one to quit on anything easily. I get to spend time with my best friend. If it doesn't happen, great. I move on and meet new people. Life is new and exciting.

 

Our conversation is good and she seems to be doing a lot of things to become a part of my life again but it takes time. I wouldn't want to rush things and end up where we were when we tried to get back together a year ago.

 

At this point I am just going to take it easy and see what happens. I have gotten a lot of "remember when"s but that doesn't mean a whole lot to me at this point. She has called or texted every day since Friday, usually around the same time and then talks to me until she gets tired. It seems as though she is doing things to show me that she isn't seeing anyone else. Maybe that is just my interpretation though.

 

At this point I am just going to go with the flow. I would like to go a day without speaking to her though. I don't want to get pulled back in only for her to walk away again. I will be less available this weekend so we will see what happens but at this point I have no idea what to expect.

[dumped]

We have been broken up for 1 full year and have been talking for the past 6 months.

 

I haven't called my ex in 2 months. I always answer when she calls. She now calls me everyday. At first she would call once/twice per week. And we would hang out one day on the weekend. About a month ago we started to hang out Friday/Sat. A week later Fri/Sat/Sun. Then a day during the week. Last week she invited me to her place to hang out with her family. This week we hung out everyday. Nothing initiated by me. She is now asking me what will we do this winter? Are we going to go skiing? Vacation?

 

I don't know what turned this around. I wasn't sure how I felt anymore. The only thing I can think of is that I stopped caring. I removed all pressure by not caring, not calling. I stopped thinking.... where is this going? am I being too available? I said f-it. Let the chips fall where they may. Regardless of where they fall I can do better than this nonsense. I started to enjoy myself and my time with her more. I am still unsure on how I feel, but whatever if it happes it happens

[SA2000]

Dumped - It seems as though I got to the same point. I realized that I needed to stop all of the pressure and just let things happen. Pressuring her back into a relationship or telling her its all or nothing wasnt going to get me very far first of all and second of all I wouldnt want to be in a relationship with someone who felt pressured into the relationship. That would just lead to another break up.

 

I have been letting her do all of the contacting. She didn't call at her usual time last night but she texted me during the day. I started to wonder if she was waiting for me to call her since she has been the one calling me. But then I thought that I am thinking about it too much and just went out with some buddies. I told her I would stop in and say hi when she works Saturday so I know I will see her this weekend. It just felt weird for her not to call after her calling me every day to talk about nothing but whatever. No big deal.

 

I think this is how the whole getting back together thing works out. If you don't see or talk to someone for months there is no real way to work things out. If you take some time apart and really honestly miss each other then there is a shot that it can work. But the dumper obviously has to be the one to do almost all of the initiating for that to happen. And as the dumpee, I am not going to be needy or pushy when she doesnt call. If she never calls me again, which I highly doubt, I will be fine.

 

Like you said, there comes a point where you are just like eff it. I am not going to try anymore. Let it be and be cool with it.

[SA2000]

The ex ended up texting me last night. She asked if I was going to a sporting event tonight which she already has tickets to. I told her I didn't have tickets unfortunately (I am a HUGE fan of the team). She said she would see if she could get another ticket. She has a few connections because she used to work for them. I doubt I end up going but I think it's interesting that after 3 months she is still contacting me on a regular basis. Lately it's been every day.

 

I went on my "blind date" last night too. The girl seemed pretty cool. She showed signs of being attracted to me but I didn't really reciprocate too much. We had good conversation amongst the group that I was with and she showed that she thinks at an elevated level. She is attractive and has a really good job. Honestly it seems like if I were to date her we would probably get along pretty well. I didn't get her number or anything but I'm sure I can as it's my coworkers wifes friend. I'll probably sit back and see if she persues more though. That's just my personal style.

 

Its funny that I can come off as cool and confident around other ladies but with my ex it's totally different. It's like she has some kind of spell on me where I tell her everything all of the time. I am trying to hide how I feel a little more now though.

 

So the question I guess is what's up with my ex? She said she was going to start dating sone dude like seriously a few weeks ago. I told her it was stupid because she admitted that she couldn't really have feelings for him because she still has feelings for me. I go NC for a week and she kind of freaks out a little. Then she starts sending me really deep texts about once every two weeks and contacting me on a daily basis. She friends me on Facebook and posts on my wall and calls me almost every night. If I break up w/ someone I don't talk to them anymore. Especially after a few months have gone by. I guess if she's trying to have ne and him it's going to be a big surprise when I start to date someone else seriously which could happen soon as I am dating other people again. When that happens I will cut contact with her completely. I'm sure that's when she will realize she wants to come back.

[thekid55]

I would continue to date, SA. Think about this too. After you've spent all of this time worrying, analyzing, etc and she decides that she wants to come back, would you really want her or be able to trust her again? Or is it a case of wanting what you can't have? I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

 

If I were you, the next time she sends one of these 'deep texts' and tells you about dating someone else, I'd just tell her that she needs to stop and you just want to move on with your life. You know that you want happiness and stability in your life.

 

Can she provide that to you? I don't think she can right now.

 

She really needs to lose you to realize what she had.

 

Just my opinion.

[SA2000]

Halloween is my favorite holiday. I get way into it. I stopped in and saw the ex for like 5 minutes at her bar. She gave me a big hug and told me I looked gross. Haha. She then came back around the bar and took a picture with me. My costume was really good as usual. She then texted and called me at 3 am saying she missed me. I didn't answer.

 

I texted her back in the am saying I passed out. She said she forgives me and misses me and wants to hang out. I told her I'm game and to call me later. She said people were asking if we were going to get back together and saying we are so cute together. I said "Because of my hot Halloween costume?" She laughed. I'm going back to sleep now.

[ForumGuy]

This story is an inspiration for most of us on the great site.

[GotMyLifeBack]

Yeah, SA, I agree with forum guy. there's something compelling about your story... how you've struggled to stay centered... how she's struggled to break through her inhibitions... the apparent progress toward reconnection. Give yourself a lot of credit.

[SA2000]

Ok so here is where things get interesting/difficult. I talked to the ex today. We talked for about 30 minutes about nothing in general. I was telling her about how I helped my Mom move and how I have been hanging out at my buddy's house. He is married and his kids treat me like an uncle. He's been one of the best people to have in my corner during all of this. She then starts talking about her sister and how her sister says that we should get back together and that I should come to Christmas. She says that we should get back together because we would have beautiful kids, whatever that means. Her sister is 15. Her whole family LOVES me. Im like "Ok?" Then she says she wants to talk to me about something. Im like "Ok?" She says she has been thinking and she has made a decision. I am like "Ok?" She is like "I want to be with you. I want to take things slow, whatever that means, but I know that you are the person I want to be with." I am like "Ok?" Kinda caught me a little off guard. She says she has trust issues but thinks we have what it takes to work through them. I tell her I have trust issues as well but that I am willing to try again. I say we should take things SLOWLY on multiple occasions. I tell her that I don't want to go through what we went through all over again.

 

We talk about the break up and how we kind of needed the space apart. She says she is going through some things personally and needs me to be patient with her. We talk about how the time apart allowed us to realize how much we appreciate each other. Not just having another person there but to have each other. She says she realizes that no one will ever be me and that she doesn't want anyone to be me. I say jokingly "So let me get this straight, you consulted a 15 year old and this is the conclusion you came to?" She laughs and says "Yeah". I tell her that we at some point should sit down and talk about our expectations but then back up a little and say we don't really need to do that right now. We talk about how one day we will look back and say we wouldn't have made it if it weren't for this. We both realize though that thats a big IF we make it through all of this.

 

So that leaves us at a strange point. What does "Take things slow" mean? Obviously she wants to start working towards getting us back to the us we used to be. She said she realized that I cant be responsible for making her happy about herself and that she needs to find her own happiness which is a really good sign. But at the same time I don't know how we rebuild everything we had. I know that it will take time and patience and we will have to show each other we mean what we say but I think it will be pretty hard. My heart will be pretty guarded at this point. I feel as though I am at a point where I don't necessarily need someone else to fill that void anymore. Like being alone is the best option. I guess at this point we just take it one day at a time and see where it goes. I don't want to jump in head first but rather just have fun and let it be what it is. The funny thing is that when I am not with her I think of all of the things I love about her and miss about her. As soon as she says she wants to try again I think of all of the things I don't like about her. I guess thats just the way the human mind works though.

 

So now I have to figure out how to approach this situation. I know that I need to be the best me I can be for both myself and for her. I know that I cant go back to the way I was in the end of the relationship or we will go right back into the breakup makeup cycle again. I just really don't trust this situation as we went through a failed reconciliation a year ago. I don't trust that she wont just leave again. I guess its her job to show me that though. Its going to take some time for things to get back to "normal". But instead of sitting around waiting for another person to change I realize that I can only control myself. Our conversation ended on a weird note. She said she would talk to me tomorrow and to have a good night. I just said good night. We used to say I love you there but its way too soon for that.

 

So now what?

[faithful14]

well if you want to get back with her, then it's up to you. It's a risk you take, but that's not to say that another person you date won't up and leave you at some point like she has.

 

Taking slow can mean anything, so I would suggest seeing her in person and having a serious conversation. Lay all your cards out on the table with her...what you want from her: commitment, stability, sticking it out through thick and thin, and so on.

 

To me taking it slowly means just taking things day by day; just like how you would in a brand new relationship. Keep your expectations low and for sure keeping your guard up. This is the time to get to know her and to assess if she is really different and if the usual problems that plagued you guys last time are completely gone this time around.

[The_Seeker]

Taking it slow? I think that means don't go with the flow. No?

 

I agree with Faithful14. Definitely keep your expectations low and keep your guard up. Protect your heart.

[pillowtalk]

To me, taking it slow means starting out like it's a new relationship. You date. You don't spend every second together, etc.

[Ariel85]

So, she's been pursuing you and contacting you daily, and when you say you're open to trying again, she says she wants to take it slowly?

 

Seems like she just wanted to know if you'd be available.

 

I dunno. If she's bailed on another reconcilation, I'd tread VERY carefully. She doesn't seem super emotionally stable, and that worries me for you.

[30yrold]

Thats what it sounds like to me.

 

To me, taking it slow means starting out like it's a new relationship. You date. You don't spend every second together, etc.

[dumped]

Go with it for now. Our situations are exactly the same. I will follow up tomorrow with my recent updates. Do NOT PUSH

[SA2000]

We were in a similar situation last year. I begged and pleaded for her to come back. When she did come back I was pretty pushy in the beginning which caused her to leave again. I think our biggest issue now is trust which will take time to rebuild. I think we should "่date" for a few months and see how it goes. I would like to set the expectations that we will be dating eachother exclusively and taking time to get back to where we were. Obviously expecting to be engaged again would be a bad idea.

 

I just want to have fun again with her. I was starting to learn to enjoy life w/o her so it'll be a readjustment if it works. Now I'm worried that she'll change her mind yet again and say "No I wanna be alone". But I guess that's one more issue for us to work through.

 

So now I'll take it slow. I won't expect to be "together" right away but seeing where it goes. I don't want to have serious talks for a few weeks. Let the dust settle and see how we feel. I'm still working on myself so I'm not 100% ready to completely jump in. But I'll continue to post here as time goes on and as we attempt to reconcile. And if it all works out I'll write an ebook on it and get rich! Haha. Just joking.

[Halflife]

SA, what was the reason for the break-up? I notice she says she forgives you.

[SA2000]

There were a few reasons. There was a time where a very attractive girl had been emailing me. She was writing as a friend but was also hanging out at the bar I was working at every weekend. My ex read one of the emails and felt that it was inappropriate that I speak with her and said the language was flirty. I explained to her that I was not interested in this person but the fact that I was in contact with her was bad enough. That's when our problems were at a peak.

 

Nothing ever happened with that other girl although she was very attractive and looking back, she was clearly trying to inquire on the strength of our relationship. I realized later that I should not be talking to her. I apologized to the ex during break up and swore I had no intentions of being anything other then friends with her. At the time it was just an ego boost that this girl was chasing me. I thought it was funny.

 

My ex said she would never forgive me for this situation. She said she couldn't stop thinking about it. It caused my ex to have some self esteem issues even though she is also very attractive. Also in the email I mentioned some of the stupid things this girl would do at the bar. Not knowing the situation, you'd think we hang out together but in all honesty I had never hung out with her outside of the bar. Lesson definitely learned.

 

If you want to read my first thread it's titled move on or hold on. I'd post the link but I'm typing this from my phone.

[SA2000]

This is so weird. I texted her this morning about a picture she sent me of her dog. She called me on her lunch just to say "hi". She thought I was taking the day off but I ended up going to work. I am still really unsure how I feel or what this will all lead to. I don't really know what to expect I guess. Last time we decided we wanted to get back together we went right back to the way things were. We were together for 5.5 years and have only not lived together for around 6 months. I have no idea what life is like dating her and not living with her.

 

In our conversation she said she was going through some things emotionally and asked that I be patient with her. I didn't ask her to go into detail and told her I understood her need for space from time to time. I told her that I also would need some space occasionally. I guess I am just worried that she will start blowing me off again like she was the last few months prior to our breakup. With the progress we have made to this point I don’t want to have to go through all of this all over again.

 

I guess I will have to give it a few weeks. See how she acts and see if things are different at all. I know how to be single and how to be a boyfriend. I have no idea how to be whatever it is that I am to her now. I don’t know how to let go of all of the pain that I went through or how to rekindle the feelings that I lost due to this whole process. I feel as though my bags will be packed for the first few months but is that even fair?

 

How does a couple reconcile successfully? I have no idea. I am not ready for any “serious” talk and want to just see how things go but I have no idea what to expect from her at this point. I don’t even know if I should necessarily want to go back.

[tha16thletter]

Homie! Long time no talk... trying to catch up on you and give you a little about me...

 

Well, me and my girl are DONE done, I believe. At least for a looong time, certainly. I almost feel like it's a better outcome than where you are at! That seems rough...

 

To me man... to seriously reconcile, BOTH parties need to reach that "ah-ha" moment, as one of my teachers from high school called it. I think there are still too many emotions and things that you both haven't faced. To reconcile, from everything I've read and my own soul searching, it needs to be NEW. It needs to be a new relationship- like you guys never were together. For that to happen, takes a LOT of time. Especially after 5 1/2 years of being together on and off. You're still hurting, and the fact that you have one foot out the door is a bad sign for what is to come. You are a good guy and I feel like you're setting yourself up to find yourself right back at the start of things...

 

I honestly don't even know what I would do. Maybe be real honest with her and tell her that you both have some work left to do and tell her when you feel like you can start FRESH is when you guys should get together- or at the very least, try to make it work. You both still have a lot of emotional hang ups and are very guarded and wary of one another, which will never lead to anything good.

 

My advice is to just tell her, straight up, that you still have a lot of unresolved feelings regarding everything that happened, and she does too. Until you both can set those to peace, you can never be BETTER than what you were- it will always end up in the same situation.

 

Dig?

[thekid55]

SA, you need to ask yourself, 'what will make me happy?'.

 

Until you can answer that question with 100% certainty, I woulnd't do anything or talk to her.

[tha16thletter]

I'm with thekid. From talking with you through PM and such it seems like you've found yourself in a really good place as far as getting your demeanor back, and getting back in touch with the person you were/are. Especially with having tried this once before, maybe you should really give it a deep introspection as to what you truly want from all of this. I remember you telling me you weren't sure if you'd even take her back if she came back. It seems like she's trying to do just that- in her own way. Is it worth it, at least at this juncture? Because it seems like there is not 100% certainty, like he said. Until you can unequivocally say it's the right thing for you guys to be back together- or to make an attempt- I would steer clear of setting yourself up for more issues.

[SA2000]

16th - Whats up man. What happened with your ex? I thought she was planning on coming through your city? Stay focussed on your craft man. At the end of the day it'll always be there for you and never do you wrong.

 

As for me, I am going to keep doing whats working to make me happy. This whole situation has helped me do some major eye opening. I am going to take my time and really sit down and think about this one. She needs to consistantly show me where I am on her priority list. If the order isnt Family, Herself, Me, Everyone else then I'll nip it early.

[tha16thletter]

True story. I just posted some mo' ish up: She told me I was never good to/for her, that she'd never give me another chance, blah blah blah... so I told her she was full of it, I told her some stuff she didn't want to hear about her OWN problems, and she told me to "Grow the f*ck up" and to "contact her when I do- in a couple years".

 

So.... read the post and gimme your thoughts. lol. Anyway, it's kinda nice having a closed book. When you're somebody's first... basically everything, and she was in love with you as much as this girl was with me, I don't believe it's OVER over. But right now I can leave it where it is and move on.

 

I love what you said about her having to show you consistently that you are in the right place in her life. I'd proceed very cautiously. I'd hate to see all your hard work unravel!

[SA2000]

I dont want to see it all unravel either man. Thats why I need to keep up the hard work. When we were happiest I did the things necessary to make myself happy. I worked out and focussed on what I wanted in life for both of us. I knew that I was a catch and that I could make anyone around me happy. Thats what its all about. Life is the persuit of happiness right?

 

With your situation, 16th, I am guessing when she doesn't hear from you for a while she is going to be thinking that maybe she was a little too harsh. She is mad at you now but time heals all wounds. 3 years is a solid foundation. She might find out that all of that petty stuff is just that. Let her go and focus on your craft. Some of the best music is made during times like these. This is a great time for you to write. Your post reminded me of lyrics from "Say Something".

 

Just ask me how things are coming along

You could tell me that you've never heard none of my songs

As long as you end up saying one day you plan to listen

Cause what's a star when his most important fan is missing?

 

-Drake