I'm not sure how I feel now.

[SA2000]

Yeah she's been wishy-washy for like 6 months now. At some point I have to put my foot down and say enough is enough. The hard part is what to do when she does eventually break NC.

[hellohello1]

This is what I gather happened: She had been scared that she actually lost you for good, especially when she kept contacting you and realized that you were serious about moving on. She got scared, realized how much she loved you. Then she contacts you with that, and once she thinks that she has you even remotely on her little string, shes "unsure" again. You've been dealing with her wishy-washyness for 6 months? I'd tell her that you are going no contact and will not respond to anything other than her saying that she wants to make a committment to you. I was dealing with the exact same thing he would initiate contact several times saying "im confused, im unsure of what i want, i do think we will probably get back together, i need to be sure" it led no where. About 4 weeks ago I said no contact anymore and I haven't heard from him, I know we will talk again one day but its best for now. 4 weeks of no contact and I actually feel like I'm getting back to who I am now and I'm doing SO much better than being on that string. I know if he wants me he will come out and say it. Make that clear to her, or else she will keep playing these games.

[jellysandwich]

SA2000, you're going about this the wrong way. It's very ... counter-intuitive.

 

She dumped you right? Then, in order to achieve a successful reconciliation, that means that you have to decide whether or not you two get back together. You decide this, not her.

 

She says she wants to get back together? You resist. Words mean nothing, so tell her something like, "It's too soon ... We need more time to think about it and work on it."

 

And then you make her work for it. You make her work her ass off for it. The harder she works for it, the more she genuinely wants to get back together.

 

All the while, you screen her. You gauge her actions (and not her words!). Is she willing to talk to you? Is she willing to go out and meet up consistently? Is she initiating things herself?

 

You decide if she's working hard enough. You decide if you want to make her work harder (but don't go overboard You decide if she's living up to your standards. And then after a while ...

 

You decide if you really want to get back together with her.

[SA2000]

Jelly - I agree that she needs to work harder if that's what she wants. Personally I'm working on moving on. If she shows commitment again, you are right, I need to make her work harder. That's part of the problem. We hang out and it'se saying I want more. But it cant work that way.

[faithful14]

If she doesn't come out and say that she is seriously committing to you, show her the door. I wouldn't take anything less than that. It would hurt you and make you sad for a while, but in the long run, you would be dodging a bullet.

[SA2000]

My Mom made a good point. She said do you really want to be with someone if you constantly have to worry about them leaving? And the answer is No. I can't be with this girl because she left. I don't think there is a level of commitment that she can show that says she won't leave again.

 

Her Mom used to leave her step dad all the time so he'd "fight for her". I think that she thinks I should be chasing her. But the fact that she left for no real reason is enough reason for me to walk away and not feel bad. I shouldn't be chasing her. I should be telling her that I can't be with sone one who can't commit. Who will leave without good reason. I forgot why I didn't chase after her in the first place.

[iBroken]

^ This is a very valuable piece of information.

 

My ex constantly left me (we split 3 times in almost 4 years). Each time we got back together, I always wondered how long before she left again. I used to even vocalize it to my ex. She promised she would stay.....then she was gone.

 

Speaking from experience, it is very hard to be in a relationship after someone left and tried to come back. I have learned from my last serious relationship, that I will NOT got back to someone who leaves. Its too emotionally daunting.

 

I was seeing a girl after my ex and she suggested that she wasn't sure about whether or not it was a good time for us to be together. So I shut down. Based on what i learned from my ex, I will not chase. If you think for the slightest reason, you cant be here, then go - and dont look back. That "relationship" (we really were just exclusively dating but not in a relationship) is now over. I refuse to find myself in a situation where once again, I have to question someones intentions on staying. I didnt chase her - I just let her go and havent looked back.

 

My advice to you is, if you know that you will wonder how long shes here for, its best not to try again.

[Kevo]

My Mom made a good point. She said do you really want to be with someone if you constantly have to worry about them leaving? And the answer is No. I can't be with this girl because she left. I don't think there is a level of commitment that she can show that says she won't leave again.

 

Her Mom used to leave her step dad all the time so he'd "fight for her". I think that she thinks I should be chasing her. But the fact that she left for no real reason is enough reason for me to walk away and not feel bad. I shouldn't be chasing her. I should be telling her that I can't be with sone one who can't commit. Who will leave without good reason. I forgot why I didn't chase after her in the first place.

 

Congrats. That sounds like a good place to be in. Mine left for basically the same reason (i.e. no reason). I need to adopt your attitude too. Doesn't mean it'll never happen between is, but it does mean that I shouldn't be the one chasing. She is young and it's understandable what she's feeling. I'm 30 and have lived on my own, owned a house and traveled the world (for work, unfortunately) but she was 20 when I started dating her and hasn't really ever been independent.

 

Anyway, it's ok what happened but trying to win her back won't do any good. She'll need to come to me and if/when she does she'll have to do a good job of convincing me that the abandonment won't ever happen again.

[SA2000]

Wow. Sounds just like my situation. I am 30 and have lived my life. My ex was 20 when we started dating and she hasn't really ever dated around. I think this might end up one of those situations where the dumper comes back too late.

[mrshuma]

makes us 3!! I'm 33 and started dated my ex since she was 20 - lived together for almost 7 years - been broken up for almost 5 months and she's wanting to "date" to see where things go. Almost the exact same situation!!

[Kevo]

Haha nice to meet you guys. Yeah I'm pretty sure it's a case of GIGS. I was engaged and within a month mine left me and moved 1000 miles away. An extreme and rash decision to say the least. Her folks were against it but are supporting her. Right now I'm just trying to keep my distance and let her figure herself out. I'm hoping that it takes a few months but yeah, SA, I have the same fear that she'll come back too late. She's great she just needs to mature and get this stuff out of her system. For me, that took longer than a couple months. .... But with that said, when i was being young and stupid, I didn't have someone as wonderful as me wanting to start a life together! Haha

[mrshuma]

Kevo - I've been following your story, and it is strange how your ex is acting - she repeatedly tells you she loves, misses you and is always wanting to keep in contact, there seems to be plenty of positive there. She is being really affectionate it does seem promising to me. My ex is much more reserved, she initiates most of the contact but even after 5 months she is still "confused". She does want to "date" but something seems missing, I know we can't just jump back into living together but I feel as though she could be give me more of a commitment. We have spent a weekend together in the last few weeks and it went amazing but due to the LD it is difficult to keep up with the dating so I've been a bit distant waiting for her next move I feel as though she needs to work harder. Sorry for hijacking the thread SA...

[mrshuma]

SA, this "zone" we are in is tough to navigate through. I understand that we cannot just jump back into a RL with our exes but it seems as though there should be more effort and a commitment coming from them. My ex is being the exact same way. She wants to date and see where things go. Most people have told me that it needs to be treated as a brand new relationship and start from scratch which is the best way but even so the ex needs to put more work in (in my case anyway). This is much tougher to deal with then NC that's for sure!!

[Kevo]

Hey mrshuma well It's not like she's blowing my phone up. She's still living with her bro. She got a place of her own a couple weeks ago bit dad still needs to drive her stuff out there. I've noticed that I get more texts during the week when her bro and his gf who also lives there are at work and she is alone and on the weekends they are out having a good time so I usually don't hear anything. I am letting her initiate contact at the moment. I wonder what will happen when she's living alone with our 2 large dogs and cat. Quite a handful for her! Haha

 

Well even if yours is a bit more cold she is saying that she wants to date you? That's pretty encouraging!! Haha I'll trade you! Mine has some work to do as well. Mostly related to being immature. We had advanced past the honeymoon period and got to the struggles of her fighting for independence and me foolishly fighting to keep her close.

 

I'm curious to see where our situations go. And we've gotta look at the bright side. I truly believe that we might have been able to keep them around or they might have been able to supress the desire to be on their own for awhile. But in that case it would be assured that in 5 or 10 years, even after marriage and kids, that desire would still be there and it can't be fought forever. I've seen it happen.

 

Was it our fault for dating someone so young? I don't think so. Mine was mature and seems to be getting less mature! Haha but I know this person is good and we are a great match. It's unfortunate timing because of our different stages in life. All we can do is learn from this, work on ourselves, give them their time and space and see how things develop.

 

Kind of a plus and a minus, I believe that our women truly love us (there's the good) but their GiGS desire to see the world isn't a small thing and likely isn't going to be easily resolved.

 

The thread by Mayday 11 on Gigs is a good read. Especially if she says she's confused and there wasn't a good reason for the breakup.

[dumped]

This stuff is crazy. I am in the same situation and have been for 6 months as well. Mine was also a case of GIGS. It has been 2 steps forward and 1 step back the whole way. But it does feel like wwe are making some progress. To an extent.

 

I started the same way. I would ask her to hang out and I would get the whole "we'll see..." In he beginging occasionally we would hang out. Then it got too emotional for me and I was sick of being told we'll see. So I backed off. Now we have been hanging out every week a few times 2-3 days per week. But I very very rarely ask her to do things. If she askes me to do something, which has been every weekend now for about a month. I will go if I don't have other plans. If I do have plans we will hang out after that. I made myself a priority. We are not back together. But I get more frequent conversations of "If we got back together..." "Do you remember when we did..." The conversations are become more we rather than focused on her...Will it lead anywhere..Who knows?

 

But it was when I became unsure of how I felt and told her that when she started coming around. I'm still unsure. But I do whats best for me. I do things with her because the things we do "I" enjoy doing. We do a lot more fun things together now than we did in our relationship because I only do the things I enjoy. if its just a lame night to spend. I am not doing it. I can have more fun with friends. Have fun. Enjoy yourself and your time together.

[SA2000]

Dumped - I think this is how you eventually get back together. Start slow and start over like it's a new relationship. I am not going to try to use any strategy or whatever to get to that point with my ex. I'm just going to stop trying to get her back. Her text that started this thread shows she still cares. Now she needs to show me. NC won't allow that to happen. I am not going to try to get her back anymore or worry about her coming back. I dont want or need anyone who doesn't want to be with me. If she wants to be with me, she'll show me.

[KateUK]

Dumped - I think this is how you eventually get back together. Start slow and start over like it's a new relationship. I am not going to try to use any strategy or whatever to get to that point with my ex. I'm just going to stop trying to get her back. Her text that started this thread shows she still cares. Now she needs to show me. NC won't allow that to happen. I am not going to try to get her back anymore or worry about her coming back. I dont want or need anyone who doesn't want to be with me. If she wants to be with me, she'll show me.

 

I had a similar message from my ex a few weeks ago and I said to him that even though he had said all I needed and wanted to hear, I still knew it wasn't enough and that it was a matter of building up trust again. Since then, he has been hot and cold and on the outskirts but not quite brave enough to prove his love for me. Until they put their money where their mouths are, they don't deserv to be with us.

 

You will be fine x

[GotMyLifeBack]

Do you ever step back for a minute, and ask yourself, how the h%$# did I ever get into this mess? I know I do.

[SA2000]

No. I know what happened. We didn't quit the bar when we should have. Now too much damage has been done.

[GotMyLifeBack]

I've also wondered in my case if too much damage has occurred. I think that if both my ex and I were committed to making things right, we could have a new and great relationship. It would be hard, but doable. But her head is somewhere else, and I try not to worry about it too much.

 

SA, your ex reminds me of an ex I had a few years ago. During our relationship, I really fell in love with her. Then she ended up cheating on me, and we went through numerous breakups and reconciliations. She was wishy-washy as all get-out. Finally, I said to her, "let's take a 3 month NC break and see where things are then." Well after 3 months, I wanted nothing to do with her, and finally I was free. She ended up knocking on my door a few years later to tell me she was married. I was like, Yeah, and? I've never had an ex not come back. This time with my current ex, I don't know what's going to happen.

[SA2000]

Yeah my ex seems to be trying to make more contact. I told her over the weekend after we saw each other that I need to move on. She said that we are both sad after we see each other and that she would not call or text me until she was ready to come back and understood I might be gone by then. I thought about the text she sent and the whole situation and thought I would engage in light contact with her for a while to see how it goes and to see how often she calls me and asks to see me. She called me tonight to tell me that she had a CD for me and that she would give it to me later in the week. I think she wants to see where things go and how she feels around me. I know this is an opportunity to show her that I can make her feel safe or what ever but I refuse to chase after her. If she wants to see me or hang out or call me she can. But she broke up with me so I wont be chasing her. The reason I am going to stay in touch is because she has already broken NC on numerous occasions. She calls me every few days to check in. I don't actually know if I want her back at this point though. If she is going to just leave again, what is the point. I feel as though I did what I needed to do and am still a work in progress but I think I am not going to like who she is and just start to move on. Only time will tell.

[iBroken]

Hey SA

 

I started to read the first four lines of your post and as I did I thought to myself, why is he chasing her down? She dumped him? Then you pointed out that you wont be doing the chasing.

 

I think you are handling it as best as you can. Let her chase. However, at the same time, be sure that you are seeing a return of investment on her contact. Dont let her chase you but she only keeps in contact and doesnt progress to "reconciling". Catch my drift? Otherwise, if shes just going to keep contacting you without attempting to win you back romantically, you may need to consider cutting the cord permanently.

 

Either way, good luck. You seem to have been handling this very well.

 

Cheers

[iBroken]

Hey SA

 

I started to read the first four lines of your post and as I did I thought to myself, why is he chasing her down? She dumped him? Then you pointed out that you wont be doing the chasing.

 

I think you are handling it as best as you can. Let her chase. However, at the same time, be sure that you are seeing a return of investment on her contact. Dont let her chase you but she only keeps in contact and doesnt progress to "reconciling". Catch my drift? Otherwise, if shes just going to keep contacting you without attempting to win you back romantically, you may need to consider cutting the cord permanently.

 

Either way, good luck. You seem to have been handling this very well.

 

Cheers

[SA2000]

iBroken - Yes. That is exactly how I feel. I keep making the mistake of pushing every time we see each other. But I am starting to see the whole situation from a different light after the conversation with my Mom. I really don't want to be with someone who I have to worry is going to leave. I have never been in a situation like that in the past. Probably because I have always been the dumper. There are many lessons to be learned here and this situation will help me going forward as far as what I seek in a lady and how I act and react in a relationship.

 

As far as this lady is concerned, I guess I don't understand her or her motivation. If you didn't want to be with me that's fine. I understand that. People grow and change over 5 years, especially from early to mid/late twenties. If you want to know what it's like to date other people, I understand that as well. I wouldn't want anyone to feel as though they didn't live their lives or have regrets due to my actions. I also don't want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with me. If you have to question it, go and don't look back. So why does she keep looking back? If I was in contact with an ex and she never called or texted me and ignored me from time to time I would just say screw it and let go.

 

My ex admitted that she asked a friend at what point would it be considered harassment. I thought that was funny. I know now how to get rid of her though if I don't want her to bother me anymore. All I have to do is tell her that I want to be with her and that if she doesn't want to run off and get married right now, that she should leave me alone. The pressure gets her to turn and run pretty quickly. If I actually want her around, all I have to do is not really care whether she comes or goes. It seems as though that is when she wants to be around the most. When I did a week of NC and actually ignored her, she kept calling and texting. When I finally answered, she sent me that long text about how she can only see her self with me long term. Obviously continuing NC would only allow us to eventually let go, although I think she is clinging pretty tightly to the idea of who I was when she met me.

 

At this point I don't know if reconciliation is even possible from my perspective. So why do I keep pushing for it? How would life honestly be if we were to get back together? The trust is gone and with that goes my sanity and that is something I am not willing to sacrifice.

[sunnyv]

hey sa how are you managing to stay cool calm and collect in limited lc. i am in nc and just jumped right now when my ex texted me asking me how i have been. its been a week since her last texts which i ignored. i didn't text her back right now i'm just waiting. everytime i text her back it seems like she just wants to text cause she is bored then when she is with new bf at night i never hear from her. i don't like that. i want reconciliation. ugh while typing this i just got a nother text from her saying "well thats good..have a good day" because i didn't answer. what should i do? isn't this kinda immature by her?