I'm not sure how I feel now.

[faithful14]

@SA: honestly, if deep down you feel like you have tried as hard as you could to be with this girl and given it your all, then move forward without her. I'm all for trying again but it only truly works when both people are 100% committed. And this girl is getting on my last nerve because she is so indecisive about what she wants. The only thing to do is keep working on yourself and move forward without her. If at some point she catches up to you and decides she's completely in, take it from there. She knows that in order to get back with you, she has to give it her all this time.....

[SA2000]

Faithful - I agree. She needs to be all in for me to do the same. She wants me in her life but is scared and confused. I think things are beginning to become clear for her as she has been initiating contact more frequently and for sillier reasons (her dog is sick, but he'll be ok, where are you/ I have a CD I think you'll really like/Etc...) When I bring up getting back together and that I don't want to talk to her unless she wants the same she just says OK I wont call or text anymore. Then 4 days later she pops back up.

 

SunnyV - Them contacting us is what makes this harder. They left. They are seeing someone else (which obviously isn't going so great or they wouldn't be contacting us, haha). They now want us around because obviously there are aspects of a relationship that they did not realize they had until they lost it. Although I am responding periodically to my ex I am starting to feel as though I don't really want to be with her anymore.

 

Imagine she breaks up with new guy and says lets try again. So you try again. Her phone starts ringing and she is smiling and texting. Is it her mom? Is it her best friend? Who is it? Should you ask? Then she says she is going to go and will call you later. Now what? Yeah. I don't want to be there. I am clearly a pretty calm person but I don't want to second guess anything. If I can't be comfortable around you and not worry about you leaving, then I shouldn't waste my time.

 

Do you find that life in general is less stressful now? I know you still think about her a lot and that sucks but would it really be better with her this way? Honestly? The only way you could know for sure that you don't have to worry is if she were to put in a lot of work to get you back and showed you over time that she is serious. But responding to silly little texts isn't going to show her that she needs to prove to you that she wants to be with you. It shows that she can play all the games she wants and that you'll be right there to play along.

 

You not responding to silly little texts shows that she isn't going to be able to pop in and out of your life at will. If she continues to try to make contact you can eventually respond. I wouldn't be a happy little puppy though.

 

Lets say she texts you again. She says "I miss you like crazy and think about you every day". Now you respond by saying "I miss you too. I want you back in my life!" and she says "Oh, I don't want to get back together. I just want to be friends". Welcome to my situation.

 

The idea here is that you need to play it cool. Don't respond to the silly little texts that don't mean anything because they just show her that she can still play games with you. I told my ex that I felt like she was stringing me along. She said she was sorry and shouldn't have sent the text she sent. And really seriously ask yourself if you could honestly see it working out at this point. It would take A LOT of work from her to really convince me that she was serious and had grown up. And even then I don't know that I would trust and believe her. She left. She can never say she wont leave because she did. Knowing that I wont be trying to get her back and probably won't take her back given the opportunity. She would have to show me that she is pretty damn serious and I don't see this girl trying that hard.

[SA2000]

At this point I feel as though I am putting way too much thought and effort into this situation. I am over thinking everything. I really don't need someone in my life who is causing me stress. I am not going to go NC but I am not going to worry about the outcome. If she never calls me again I am fine with that. If she wants to hang out its going to be on my schedule. No more special treatment. I feel much better this morning.

[JoshHimself]

At this point I feel as though I am putting way too much thought and effort into this situation. I am over thinking everything. I really don't need someone in my life who is causing me stress. I am not going to go NC but I am not going to worry about the outcome. If she never calls me again I am fine with that. If she wants to hang out its going to be on my schedule. No more special treatment. I feel much better this morning.

 

That's the best thing you've said in this whole thread man, just stick to your guns brother.

[SA2000]

I think all of the effort is making things worse. You shouldn't have to try so hard with someone you love and I am trying way too hard. When I was single over 5 years ago I used to get a lot of very attractive ladies. My friends would ask how I got so many ladies to chase me. I would laugh and just say "I dunno, I don't really try". That was exactly it. I didn't put any pressure on the situation. If someone wants to be with you, they will. And they will make an effort to show you. If they don't, they wont.

 

You can't force someone to want you back. And if you did or tricked them or made them feel bad or whatever they would just end up leaving again. My ex left twice because she didn't feel safe and felt pressured. She felt as though we had to get married and start a family because we had both graduated college and were engaged. But really we didn't have to do anything we didn't really want to do. We could have easily just talked it out but we were both too immature. Instead we freaked out and ran.

 

I didn't leave but I was looking elsewhere to see what life could be like. I never cheated but I did flirt with other girls when I probably shouldnt have. She actually left to persue something else. I can't really fault her for that. There was pressure and she caved. It happens to the best of us. I wouldn't want to be with someone who felt they were trapped or tricked or whatever anyways. If you aren't happy then you should do what it takes to be happy. That is what life is really all about. Now pride is getting in the way for both of us. She clearly misses me and I clearly miss her. I pressure her and pride gets in the way for her as she doesnt want to look bad for breaking up with me for someone else numerous times. The other guy is perfect for her because she feels no pressure. But if that makes her happy then that is what is best. I can be happy alone and will find someone else to be happy with when the time is right.

 

So my "strategy" now is to be happy. Not pretend to be happy but honestly be happy. Will my ex come back? I dunno. I don't really care in all honesty. If she comes back, hey that's great. If she doesn't and I end up meeting and being happy with someone else, well that is awesome too. At the end of the day I want to be happy and make those around me happy.

[thekid55]

Hang in there, SA. You are one tough cookie.

[SA2000]

I was talking to my Mom and she asked when the last time the ex and I had fun was. Good question. Usually we have fun until the conversation goes to serious town because ol' SA wants to know the motivation behind why we are hanging out. But if it's not going to be fun, why hang out?

 

Then she asked what I miss if it's not that much fun when we hang out. Another good point. Why do I miss her if I don't know why I even miss her? I'm attracted to her but there has to be more. I miss the old times but that's because I was having fun which led to us having fun. Now it's all stress. Thats not fun and it sure doesn't make me any happier.

 

I'm not an angry or jealous person. So why would I spend time with someone who makes me into that person? Why not find people that I am attracted to that I can laugh with? I realize that my ex leaving me disrupted my comfort. But I wasn't really happy anymore and neither was she. If we were happy we wouldn't be here. Also the fact that she dated someone else brought out the competitor in me. I REALLY wanted to win! But last time I "won" I still wasn't happy. We ended up in the same old unhappy relationship.

 

So why am I here typing away about her still? I guess I don't really know. The problem solver in me views this as a problem. A big one. Also I persevere. I will hold out and see things through until I feel they are complete. I view us as incomplete because I thought we were supposed to get married. But why get married when your relationship isn't getting consistently better? You shouldn't.

 

But I'm an idiot who loves pain so I'll continue to play her games.

[faithful14]

Deep down, even though she hasn't been the best girlfriend to you, I think you do want to end up with her. Because even after all the trouble she has put you through, you're still hanging around hoping she will change herself and be the woman you want her to be. I'm an optimist when it comes to love so I believe anything is possible.

[SA2000]

I'm an optimist as well. That's the problem. Ha.

[GotMyLifeBack]

I think the optimism is great, and actually you have reason to be optimistic. The way you describe your ex and the kind of relationship you had makes me think you two may find a way to construct a new and better relationship. But it's going to be bumpy. I would think there are resentments building up on your side, and maybe hers. True? If so, that's just something you would need to handle head on. There's reason to hope, but being clear about what you'll put up with and what you won't will help to keep you protected from her indecisiveness. And, you never know if or when all this murkiness will clear up.

[SA2000]

That's true that we had a pretty solid relationship for a long time. I hope it all works out but I don't know where to turn at this point. Part of me wants to just go NC and move on. The part of me that says hold on gets smaller and smaller every day.

[CrapAtNC]

You have to choose one path or you'll end up going nowhere.

[SA2000]

I understand that Crap. That's the hard part. Once I feel as though I have made a decision something happens that says don't give up. I'm going to try to let go again. The text she sent last week set me back but I have to get up and keep going. Its just hard for me to understand that someone could love so deeply and then just let go. But I can't change anyone other then myself. I need a solid few months without her in my life so I can let go. Talking a few times a week and seeing eachother every other week or so doesn't clarify things for her or me. She knows where I stand. I'll leave her alone and take the space I need.

[SA2000]

I wasn't going to post here today but screw it, I'm bored. Haven't heard from the ex but I did see that she changed her FB picture to a shirt that I designed. I thought that was interesting. We arent friends and only saw it because she commented on a picture we are both tagged in. Also she has been posting on her twitter that she is listening to an artist that we both like a lot. Way more then normal. I know none of this means anything but atleast I know I am on her mind.

 

I thought what if we got back together today. Man, that would not be good. I am nowhere near ready to get back together with her. I am actually pretty far from it. Although I know I want certain things in the future (kid, family, someone to laugh at me while I make a fool out of myself doing stupid things) I know that going back won't allow me to go forward. Maybe some day we will both be ready for something serious. That day though is not today.

 

Although I am alone, for the most part I am no longer lonely.

[SA2000]

12 missed calls between 2:49 and 3 am? I wonder what was so important that she didn't want to leave a message about? I'm sure she figured what ever it was out though. She's a smart girl.

[SA2000]

The ex called and left a voicemail this morning basically saying she called me last night and that she was drunk. She then texted me and said she is opening a bar (which she has been planning for 6 months now) and is naming it after me? I love how she goes from cold and distant to borderline stalkerish in a few days. I guess she has been posting things about me on Facebook which is causing all of my friends girlfriends to assume we are going to get back together. I wouldn't know tho because we aren't friends.

[thekid55]

The ex called and left a voicemail this morning basically saying she called me last night and that she was drunk. She then texted me and said she is opening a bar (which she has been planning for 6 months now) and is naming it after me? I love how she goes from cold and distant to borderline stalkerish in a few days. I guess she has been posting things about me on Facebook which is causing all of my friends girlfriends to assume we are going to get back together. I wouldn't know tho because we aren't friends.

 

You both have to stop this. This is just completely destructive behavior on both of your ends. You have got to make it crystal clear to her that you both need ALOT of time apart. No texts, no calls, no drunk calls (we've all been there). Because at the rate that you are going, you are just spinning in your chair rather than just moving forward.

[SA2000]

I responded to her calls and texts today by saying "Just listened to your message. Awesome bar name!" she responded saying it wasn't a sure thing so keep it on the hush and asked a question about paying off student loans.

 

Something crazy happened tho. I totally forgot she asked me a question for like 3 hours. I was like Oh yeah I forgot to reply. I guess that's a good sign that she's not constantly on myths anymore. I responded back but I'll take that little success and build on it.

[SA2000]

I just received the following texts: "Would u be able to come look at the place w me this week. I saw the outside today but have to go back to see inside." & "It's going to be named after u- u should really see the before and after of the project lol"

 

I still think her owning a bar is a REALLY bad idea but whatever. Her life. I wonder what her little boyfriend thinks about this? If he's still around that is. Anyways, I'm guessing the consensus is that I shouldn't go along with this.

[AloneInSf]

I read through your whole post and commend you for what you do. I am going through the EXACT same thing...I'm 28 and she's 21, going through GIGS and randomly calling/texting when she has a problem or needs to vent. Through your "awakening" I myself have accepted that I should only look out for number one, and that the emotional roller coaster and waiting for what might be, should stop.

 

You post that you are no longer friends on FB. Did you delete her? I am contemplating this because I can't help myself from looking at her page that she partially blocked me from. It's driving me nuts.

 

Great advice here though, we really are going through the exact same thing.

 

Keep your chin up,

Russ

[SA2000]

Dude I deleted her from Facebook as soon as she said "We need to talk". I made the mistake of staying Facebook friends with her when we first broke up. After like three days I wanted to poke my own eyes out because I was reading way into everything. Delete her. Trust me on that. What good could really honestly come out of it? Not much.

 

But yeah man, find a good few people who will listen to you vent. If they get sick of hearing it you can always post here. There are a ton of people who can help you out.

[AloneInSf]

Dude I deleted her from Facebook as soon as she said "We need to talk". I made the mistake of staying Facebook friends with her when we first broke up. After like three days I wanted to poke my own eyes out because I was reading way into everything. Delete her. Trust me on that. What good could really honestly come out of it? Not much.

 

But yeah man, find a good few people who will listen to you vent. If they get sick of hearing it you can always post here. There are a ton of people who can help you out.

 

So I deleted her but sent a message: letting her know why. So she calls and wants to talk, I tell her I need space and we shouldn't talk for a while. She agrees, but then I say she can call me if she has a emergency, and then tells me I'm weird & crazy. I text her back, sorry I got a lot going on right now, and I'm still here if she ever wants to talk. She replies with "okay." I guess this is the start of NIC once again...

[SA2000]

Its the start. Now just wait until she breaks it in like 4 days. Play it cool and see what she's up to and let her go. Then go 4 more days until she calls again. She'll make up a reason to see you. Play it cool and don't talk about your feelings at all. Stay positive. I guess this is more to myself but you get the picture. Its been going on like this for months for me. So lets see.... I talked to her today so I should write Friday on my calendar.

[SA2000]

So I got a few texts from the ex last night saying that she was opening a bar and naming it after me, kinda. She wants me to go check it out with her. I didnt respond because I was busy. She texted again saying "I can't handle this silent treatement anymore." I responded saying "My bad. I just checked my phone. I have an interview this week so it depends on what day. I wont find out when my interview is until next week". She responded and said Exciting! Good luck and asked if I could talk. I texted her and said "Whats up?" She said Nevermind. I was like "Oh you want to talk not text? Just call me. lol."

 

At this point she is getting pretty frustrated. She says she calls me but I never answer or call back. I say that that is not true and that I alwaus atleast text back. At this point it feels like we are headed towards a pointless argument. So I decide although I shouldnt care, I will call her. We talk for like 15 minutes. She is telling me about the place she is looking at and what she wants to do. She tells me that she isnt really naming it after me and that that was just the name that fit (she chose the name). Im just listening with a lot of "Oh yeah"s and "thats cool"s.She says she is really excited and feels like she is headed in the right direction. She says she will be ready to get married if this all works out because she will know that she can make it on her own. I just say "Yeah, big accomplishments will do that for ya". Im not biting on that one. No way. I tell her about the position at work and my career path and how things are moving in the right direction for me. We talk about being small business owners and what comes along with it and how its exciting but A LOT of work.

 

So we wrap up the conversation with her saying she hopes my interview goes well. I tell her I hope the place turns out the way she wants. We dont make any plans for me to see it with her. I am not sure if I should text her and tell her my interview is next week or if I should just let it go. It seems like she has been reaching out but I am not really responding. But thats what I always think. Then I start responding and she backs off.

 

Although I find it interesting that she is now the one getting upset I guess I dont really understand it. What is the point in getting mad? If you dont like the way I am acting why do you stay in contact with me?

[mrshuma]

I've been following your story as it has some similarities to mine, I still can't believe after that text she sent you at the beginning of the thread she is still acting this way? Another poster gave me some advice and I believe it can also be used in your situation. She is staying in contact with you because she feels comfortable when you are on the backburner. She wants your attention and affection that is why once you make a move she pulls away again. This is exactly what my ex is doing, and its a tough spot to be in because we want it work out but they aren't putting in real effort to make it happen.