SmilingKatty Posted September 13, 2010 Share Posted September 13, 2010 It has been 5 months and I am still hoping we will get back together. My hope got a really big blow, when he found a new girlfriend. How do I kill the rest of it? I think that while I still feel this hope, I cannot heal completely... Does anyone know how to do it? Please, help me with this... Link to comment
cheng Posted September 13, 2010 Share Posted September 13, 2010 I think what you need to do first is to accept the reality. Sorry about that. Link to comment
Nappyloxs Posted September 13, 2010 Share Posted September 13, 2010 The hope may never die, ten years after the breakup with my first love, I still had a little hope that we may be together 20 years down the road. Cheng is right. Accept the reality that you are no longer together, he has moved on, and that there is something better out there for you. Also, remember that if it was meant to be, it will be. But you cannot control that. Link to comment
tingkong Posted September 13, 2010 Share Posted September 13, 2010 Change your frame of mind, change your perception on reality. Cut him out of your life so much that you won't find out any information on who he could be with or what he is doing. Link to comment
sonicfan287 Posted September 13, 2010 Share Posted September 13, 2010 I have to agree with the last poster. I know that in this situation, not having that person in your life seems worse than just being friends or having them in "some way" because you feel like you're closer to getting them back, but this isn't the way to go, trust me. I've been without my ex for about 2 months (we still talk here or there but I predict we'll drift even further apart) and I feel like I was putting myself through MORE pain trying to get her back with no results. Don't get me wrong, i'm very upset to not see her anymore and part of me is always tempted to keep hanging out with her, just to get the pleasure of seeing her, if nothing else, but that's a hallow victory when I have other friends who are more interested in seeing me and I've essentially been doing fine without her, when I take the emotional aspect out of it, which is hard to do, but I'm saying, you've been living life without him already, so you know you can do it. It's just a matter of doing that for so long, it becomes the norm, instead of hoping for him to come back, and like the last poster said, as long as you're doing that, there's no need to know what he's doing or who he's seeing. Link to comment
rapunzel Posted September 13, 2010 Share Posted September 13, 2010 Time, time, time....and No Contact. You will get over it and your hope will eventually fade. I work with my ex and after 2 years, I hate to admit I still have this little sliver of hope although there is no evidence to support that he has any intention of reconciliation. I know if I had no contact, my hope would be a dim memory at this point. Link to comment
SmilingKatty Posted September 13, 2010 Author Share Posted September 13, 2010 Thanks for all advice! Cheng: "I think what you need to do first is to accept the reality. Sorry about that" - yeah, I know, I have to keep repeating it to myself... About NC - I have been doing it from the start (we have seen each other on two or three occasions during the last 5 months, but it was unavoidable...). Otherwise I am staying out of his way as much as I can (in the beginning the reason for this was pride, now it is self-preservation). In addition I am living in another country (and will be for another four months), so NC is not a problem for me. I am actually a little bit proud of myself, because it takes me a few seconds to remember how he looks like... But not thinking about him and not hoping is really very difficult and I have been doing it for so long already - maybe it became a habit?! (That would be horrible!). And now I am thinking about him, hoping, and now even being jealous... I am really angry at myself, because I am feeling like this for such a long t Link to comment
Tanzi Posted September 13, 2010 Share Posted September 13, 2010 Maybe, now that you know has a girlfriend, this will be the kick start that gets you moving forwards. It sounds as though you are ready to let go now and it even sounds as though you have already started taking little baby steps forwards. Think positively, believe in yourself and you will soon start letting go of the hope that is holding you back. Link to comment
Wildflower88 Posted September 14, 2010 Share Posted September 14, 2010 Love is an addiction and so its just like when you have withdrawl, you have to accept it. It's the LAST thing you want to do, EVER ever EVER I understand, there is always the maybe, could be, what if..possibly.. but you have to stop this, its not good for your heart. What worked for me was the maybe in the future but the not right now.. and eventually when it didnt hurt so bad I was able to accept that it was over and he was gone. It will get easier I promise Link to comment
SmilingKatty Posted September 14, 2010 Author Share Posted September 14, 2010 Hi, thanks for your support! Maybe, now that you know has a girlfriend, this will be the kick start that gets you moving forwards. I really hope so... Right now not only do I feel jealous of them, but my ego is also hurt, because she looks better than me... (right now the "ego thing" is even worse than jealousy... ) What worked for me was the maybe in the future but the not right now.. That was my plan at the beginning - just to concentrate on moving abroad and than see, how the situation wil look like when I get back - but I just got stuck somewhere and with the new girlfriend it all crashed on my head... and eventually when it didnt hurt so bad I was able to accept that it was over and he was gone. It will get easier I promise After how long did it happened? Link to comment
Philos Posted September 14, 2010 Share Posted September 14, 2010 Well... my ex dumped me July 5th, told me she didn't love me, that I didn't understand her... etc.... I tried to reconcile 2 weeks later, she said that we'd both be happier on our own, that I didn't understand, etc. I learned from her a week later that she was already seeing someone... though I cut off all contact with her when she told me that, it's very likely that she actually had him lined up before dumping me (everyone, including both my grandmothers and my therapist think this). I lived with her for about a year, we had been together for a bit over a year. I'm starting to realize now... it's all over, there is no reconciliation hope or anything. Not only is she in a new relationship, she didn't love me. Who knows how much she loathes me, honestly. She gave herself no time to work on her own failures in the relationship, so she'd still have those problems. How would we ever reconcile? Let's say she broke up with her currently guy and called me... I wouldn't just move back in... She doesn't love me, remember. We'd have to freaking date again, and I'd be insecure about her feelings, feel that she'd dump me again without telling me anything was wrong, maybe she'd reconcile with her current love.. I'd feel bad that there was a secret history that she couldn't share with me now, that I had to suffer for months, and all that stuff... Theres just a 100 reasons now why it'd just be better off and nicer to heal up and move on... as much as I miss her. =/ Link to comment
lacrosselover Posted September 14, 2010 Share Posted September 14, 2010 For any relationship to be healthy you have to be willing to let the other person go! How your ex behaves is not under your control. That is probably adding a lot of suffering, thinking maybe if you had just done something different. Those thoughts are not constructive. Try to stop them when they come into your head. If he knows that you still want him back, and is dating someone else that is his choice. Let's say you think he still might have some feelings for you and you come in crying and screaming to get him back. Would you be proud of it? Would you feel good? Any attempts you would make to stop him would be manipulation! Is this what love is? Ultimately, if you really love him, you WILL let him go, because there is no other healthy option. There is a real difference between love and obsessing. Make sure your thoughts and behaviors aren't reflecting obsession. Change is scary, and his moving on is a real indicator that life is changing. Don't increase your suffering by lingering on how scared you are to move on. But you don't have to forget what's happened. Instead see this as an opportunity to change your life. Rarely are we presented with such life changing moments, and these can be the times when we can grow the most. Cut out the thoughts that make you suffer more, reach out to friends that can help you, cultivate patience, and try to find out what love really means to you. Link to comment
SmilingKatty Posted September 14, 2010 Author Share Posted September 14, 2010 For any relationship to be healthy you have to be willing to let the other person go! There is a real difference between love and obsessing. Make sure your thoughts and behaviors aren't reflecting obsession. I know - but I am worried, that I am really close to being "obsessed" and I don´t know what to do... Link to comment
Philos Posted September 14, 2010 Share Posted September 14, 2010 I know - but I am worried, that I am really close to being "obsessed" and I don´t know what to do... I know. I feel I am that way too etc. It'll get better over time. It may get good suddenly, or really bad suddenly, even in the future, but overall the progress of healing should be going up over the months. Link to comment
hurt2healthy Posted September 14, 2010 Share Posted September 14, 2010 I know - but I am worried, that I am really close to being "obsessed" and I don´t know what to do... It does feel like obsession during first few weeks. But it will subside. Its important to heal and not mask it with something else. Most people move on to a new relationship immediately and try to mask the pain. A big NO NO... Link to comment
Michaelh1210 Posted September 14, 2010 Share Posted September 14, 2010 GL SmilingKatty. I'm going through the same thing. I know it's going to take time, but it being okay feels so far away. Link to comment
katyg79 Posted September 14, 2010 Share Posted September 14, 2010 i have been there and just passed my five months break up phase.. blooming hard work ill tell ya... keep surrounding yourself with friends and thngs to do and the hope fades... hope is the thing that held me back for a long time... once that passed and i started to have new interests etc it slowly dissapeared.. it hasnt totally faded and in my situation he broke up with the ex he left me for and has his tail between his legs back in my life... you dont want that believe me, you are not second best you should be number one and the right person for you will get to you, just take time in letting them in..... good luck you will be all good!! xx Link to comment
SmilingKatty Posted September 14, 2010 Author Share Posted September 14, 2010 i have been there and just passed my five months break up phase.. I am passing it right now - I feel like it all goes too slowly... And an obsession is starting to be a good term for my feelings right now! Letting go is so difficult... ...it hasnt totally faded and in my situation he broke up with the ex he left me for and has his tail between his legs back in my life... you dont want that believe me, you are not second best you should be number one and the right person for you will get to you, just take time in letting them in..... good luck you will be all good!! xx The problem is, that I am feeling like second best already... But it is really a good advice, I will remember it for sure (to help me with killing this really pointless hope...) Link to comment
oceanblue535 Posted September 15, 2010 Share Posted September 15, 2010 I stop hoping when they show me how crappy they really are, such as... the lies finally come out or they do something really low. Link to comment
ksh1255 Posted September 15, 2010 Share Posted September 15, 2010 How would we ever reconcile? Let's say she broke up with her currently guy and called me... I wouldn't just move back in... She doesn't love me, remember. We'd have to freaking date again, and I'd be insecure about her feelings, feel that she'd dump me again without telling me anything was wrong, maybe she'd reconcile with her current love.. I'd feel bad that there was a secret history that she couldn't share with me now, that I had to suffer for months, and all that stuff... Theres just a 100 reasons now why it'd just be better off and nicer to heal up and move on... as much as I miss her. =/ This is exactly how I feel about my wife. I have to remind myself on how the last 6 months of me snooping, analyzing every move, watching her stories change day to day, biting my tongue to the point I lost myself in her....this was all killing me slowly. My biggest problem is feeling second best to someone else. A guy she was with everyday for 2 yrs in school that was involved in the situation that caused our separation. However, she didn't put up a fight, it was exactly what she wanted anyway. She also had told me for months she did not love me, altho the tide had turned a little and she was back to telling me she did. Even in the end, admitting fault only lasted a day and then she was back to making it no big deal what she did, trying to blame me for why it happened, saying I trapped her here etc... To me, life couldn't get any worse right now. I put all the hard work, love, and sacrifice into my marriage one man could give. In the end, she got her degree, her high paying job, and I caught the shaft, most likely because of a guy who went thru school with her. Now, someone else comes along and reaps all the benefits of my hard work, with my family. It's not fair at all - but with the few positives they will experience, eventually they will experience a lot more negatives. I have to keep this in mind. My wife left me July 7th btw, not that i gave her much choice at the end. Link to comment
msbee Posted September 15, 2010 Share Posted September 15, 2010 Pls ignore that fact that he has a girlfriend, you do not even know what happens in their relationship. He might be in lust not love or even like. And it is fine, the awesomeness that is you should never feel like second best. Very soon you would find someone that would have a choice to be with all the women in the world but they would chose just you and never let you go. I went through the same thing and 8 months later, I can confidently tell you that the hopes i had back then, had drastically reduced. And my ex was someone i used to refer to as my heart beat. Link to comment
No1 Posted September 15, 2010 Share Posted September 15, 2010 Have you accepted that its over? Or do you still look at your phone 5,694 times a day hoping you get a text or a missed call from him? Step 1: its over. Accept the situation what is currently happening. He is not with you. Step 2: regain your life back. Im not saying you, but a lot of people get so wrapped up in their love life they forget or lose themselves. Reconnect with your friends and yourself. Do the hobbies you like. And start to eliminate him from your life. That means, get rid of the text messages, emails, put the pictures away so you dont "accidently" see them. Step 3: think positive. Know that you are going to be okay, you are going to be fine without him and there is life after a love lost. There will be other guys. You are a girl, that mean, there will be other guys. Link to comment
uncomfynumb Posted September 15, 2010 Share Posted September 15, 2010 I know - but I am worried, that I am really close to being "obsessed" and I don´t know what to do... Use thought stopping. Don't allow yourself to dwell on thoughts of him or of reconciliation or antyhing to do with him. Stay away from him in all aspects, online offline. Start a new hobby. Link to comment
shessofly Posted September 15, 2010 Share Posted September 15, 2010 Use thought stopping. Don't allow yourself to dwell on thoughts of him or of reconciliation or antyhing to do with him. Stay away from him in all aspects, online offline. Start a new hobby. yep. you gotta take charge of your thoughts. your thoughts are under your control. no more daydreaming, reminiscing, etc. just don't go there. Link to comment
Carus Posted September 15, 2010 Share Posted September 15, 2010 It's not fair at all - but with the few positives they will experience, eventually they will experience a lot more negatives. What makes you say that? ~ I'm just curious...... My ex is still with the guy she left me for almost 2 years later and last time I saw them in public they looked quite content....* K2* 8) Link to comment
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