How do you stop hoping?

[SmilingKatty]

I went through the same thing and 8 months later, I can confidently tell you that the hopes i had back then, had drastically reduced. And my ex was someone i used to refer to as my heart beat.

Thank you - I really hope, that after three months I will be at similar place...

 

Have you accepted that its over? Or do you still look at your phone 5,694 times a day hoping you get a text or a missed call from him?

Step 1: its over. Accept the situation what is currently happening. He is not with you.

Step 2: regain your life back. Im not saying you, but a lot of people get so wrapped up in their love life they forget or lose themselves. Reconnect with your friends and yourself. Do the hobbies you like. And start to eliminate him from your life. That means, get rid of the text messages, emails, put the pictures away so you dont "accidently" see them.

Step 3: think positive. Know that you are going to be okay, you are going to be fine without him and there is life after a love lost. There will be other guys. You are a girl, that mean, there will be other guys.

I think, that I am at the beginning of the step 3 right now... I definitelly don´t think (or hope), that he will write to me - I am quite sure, that the relationship is over - for now - and the "for now" is the biggest problem for me right now, because that is the stupid hope I still have...

 

Use thought stopping. Don't allow yourself to dwell on thoughts of him or of reconciliation or antyhing to do with him. Stay away from him in all aspects, online offline. Start a new hobby.

I am trying to do it - when I think of all this mess, I keep saying to myself: "here and now" and it helps a little (at least now, when I am far away..

As for a new hobby - I am quite busy at school right now and it is kind of a hobby

 

 

Big thanks to all of you for help and advice!!!! You are great!

[uncomfynumb]

I am trying to do it - when I think of all this mess, I keep saying to myself: "here and now" and it helps a little (at least now, when I am far away..

As for a new hobby - I am quite busy at school right now and it is kind of a hobby

 

 

Big thanks to all of you for help and advice!!!! You are great!

 

Keep trying until you suceed. Don't give him any headtime.

 

Squash the hope. It only exists because of your thoughts, you keep hope alive.

[No1]

dont even worry about the "for now" you can hold out hope, but that has to be on the back burner, on the shelf, behind you and all those other cute sayings. And the best advise given to me was that I had to work on myself and get into a position where if the X comes back I can decide weather or not I want them in my life. You must do the same, you must work on you, make yourself happy before you can make someone else happy. Remember that we teach people to treat us by how we treat ourselves. If you dont treat yourself right, then why would anyone else you meet should treat you different? If you treat yourself right, make yourself happy, you will attract people like that, and thats how we begin to rebuild our life..with a smile at a time.

[SmilingKatty]

And the best advise given to me was that I had to work on myself and get into a position where if the X comes back I can decide weather or not I want them in my life.

You are completely right! - I just feel, that I have lost the possibility of choosing. I know, that I shouldn´t be sad about it, but I am - a lot...

 

You must do the same, you must work on you, make yourself happy before you can make someone else happy. Remember that we teach people to treat us by how we treat ourselves. If you dont treat yourself right, then why would anyone else you meet should treat you different? If you treat yourself right, make yourself happy, you will attract people like that, and thats how we begin to rebuild our life..with a smile at a time.

That is such a good advice - I am working on it right now

I think, that I have managed to make an impression, that everything is OK with me... ("fake it till you make it") And now I have to BE all right...

And I actually think, that exactly this (" we teach people to treat us by how we treat ourselves") was one of the causes of the breakup - so I have a lot of work to do on myself...

 

Today is one of my really bad days... I hope that the sad feeling is gone by tomorrow...

 

Good luck to everyone!

[No1]

So you know what you have to do, so go do it. You know what you have to do, but its that first step that is the hardest. Some people think if you take the first step in moving away from your X, that your X is gone forever. Its not the case at all. Put yourself in that wonderful happy position, treat yourself like a queen, and surround yourself with positive people that make you smile and the rest will take care of itself.

You will have your bad days, your emotions will be on a swing from happy to sad, anger, fear and finally acceptance. But the more you work on you, the more you hit acceptance until one day you can honestly say that you dont need your X to be happy. You can do it.. You have the desire.. dont be afraid to do it.

[VeraLynn]

It has been 5 months and I am still hoping we will get back together. My hope got a really big blow, when he found a new girlfriend. How do I kill the rest of it? I think that while I still feel this hope, I cannot heal completely...

Does anyone know how to do it? Please, help me with this...

 

I found that I stopped hoping after I started living my life for me.. and met someone else. It does go away. Last year I was in your situation, now I don't care what my ex is doing and ignore most of his messages with ease.

[MrSpeed]

I live in hope, as it stands, at the moment, that we will reconnect. I find the evenings particularly difficult to deal with, I miss going home to her, then I miss not waking up next to her in the morning, so I get down then as well. I have to get on with my life though and it has now been nearly five weeks and nearly 2 weeks since I started NC. I'm having good days and bad days, friends and colleagues have been awesome to me and I cannot forget what they have for me. This board has been very inspirational and very helpful.

 

Yes I live in hope but I think that in my heart of hearts, that maybe we really are through. The next few months, especially with my birthday and Christmas looming are going to be the most difficult times. Really missing her tonight.

[SmilingKatty]

Vera: Thank you, I hope, I will be as good at letting go as you evidently were!

 

MrSweet: You will survive it! And you will be much stronger after all that mess has passed...

 

So you know what you have to do, so go do it. You know what you have to do, but its that first step that is the hardest. Some people think if you take the first step in moving away from your X, that your X is gone forever. Its not the case at all. Put yourself in that wonderful happy position, treat yourself like a queen, and surround yourself with positive people that make you smile and the rest will take care of itself.

You will have your bad days, your emotions will be on a swing from happy to sad, anger, fear and finally acceptance. But the more you work on you, the more you hit acceptance until one day you can honestly say that you dont need your X to be happy. You can do it.. You have the desire.. dont be afraid to do it.

 

I am trying. I think I managed to do a lot of things, that are recommended during NC and I am going to write all of them down to get myself (and hopefully the people who read this threat) feel better So here they are:

 

I have become more social, started a new hobby (which in itself is a form of socializing)

I am now taking better care with my appearance (working to change things, which always bothered me - and it seems, like I can slowly see first results...!),

I started to wear daring and nicer clothes,

and even dating (I think, I may actually be at the beginning of a new relationship) and meeting a LOT of new people (which is really easy, as I am living abroad).

 

On the top of this I have managed to not let the world around me know, how much I was affected by the breakup (and I am very proud of myself, because I have certainly made it clear to my ex-boyfriend, that I could´t care less about him.

 

All in all I can say, that I feel much better about myself and being more confident (I actually started to think, that I am an attractive person than I have ever felt.

 

The only thing, that is missing right now is feeling content with my life...

[adamt]

I find the evenings particularly difficult to deal with, I miss going home to her, then I miss not waking up next to her in the morning, so I get down then as well. I have to get on with my life though and it has now been nearly five weeks and nearly 2 weeks since I started NC. I'm having good days and bad days, friends and colleagues have been awesome to me and I cannot forget what they have for me. This board has been very inspirational and very helpful.

 

Yes I live in hope but I think that in my heart of hearts, that maybe we really are through. The next few months, especially with my birthday and Christmas looming are going to be the most difficult times. Really missing her tonight.

 

Me and my ex used to speak on MSN most midweek nights, I used to leave work and look forward to speaking to her on MSN for most of the night. Then when it suddenly stopped I had a big hole in my evenings. I hated leaving work and realising my evenings would be so empty at home alone. So i forced myself to join a gym. It helped to pass the time in the evenings. i got fitter,siurrounded by people,went in the jazuzzi,steam room and sauna. 12 months on and i'm still going otherwise i start to feel down. i push myself hard at the gym and now in great shape. you need to fill up your evenings with something. classes,gym,hobbies, learn a language take up cookery..etc jsut something to occupy your time. there is nothing worse than beign stuck at home on a dark night alone and thinking about stuff

[MrSpeed]

You are absolutely right. It's something I need to do, I need to invest time in me and start breaking out of this feeling of utter loneliness.

[Scotty123]

Yep MrSpeed you are definitely not alone in the missing certain things at particular times. I think the advice from the last poster is great

 

I used to talk to my ex on the phone every night at 10pm. After we split up I used to call it the "witching hour" ! Also she used to fly up to my place on a thursday and leave again on a sunday. So the first few mths the weekends were total murder ! Time dragged as if the weekend would never end. I used to be glad to get back to work on monday just so that my mind would be occupied at least a wee bit !

 

But I did a few things that really help. I changed the furniture around in my house, I changed my routine in the evening to make sure I was busy doing something else at 10pm every evening. The weekends took alot more work, but I spent time thinking about what my priorities were, the things that I wanted to do for myself and basically concentrated on doing those things. The first few mths were very very difficult of that there is no doubt. But it does get easier. She is on my mind often but acceptance is sinking in slowly.

 

With regard to the no contact thing. I removed her number from my phone, I removed myself from any website we both belonged to and I even uninstalled msn messager so that I would stop looking to see if she was online ! But daft as it may sound it really does help. As far as she is concerned I have dropped off the face of the earth and also I have no clue at all what is going on in her life, good or bad.

 

I still would love to know if she is ok but for my own protection I will not contact her. It's my birthday next week so I'll see if I hear from her, but I don't expect to. Unfortunately I do still hold on to some hope that I will hear from her, but I know I won't !! Ok so I'm still working through stuff myself lol But concentrating on your own life I think is the best way to move on.

 

 

[adamt]

You are absolutely right. It's something I need to do, I need to invest time in me and start breaking out of this feeling of utter loneliness.

 

I still feel the lonelyness sometimes, especially now the nights are drawing in and its dark early. Still have days where i just dont feel like getting up. I feel a hell of a lot better once i've been to the gym. at least that way i've done something constructive that day rather than just vegatate infront of the tv feeling sorry for myself. My head was a messfor months. I hardly watch tv these days. You've just got to keep yourself as busy as possible. have plans in the pipeline to look forward too. i've been hiking this summer and walked 40miles in one go and in a few weeks off to morocco to climb some mountains

 

i've had a tough couple of weeks, i recently had it confirmed that my ex is goign out with someone with she was chatty with when we were together. i had my suspicions but she claimed just friends. i've also been dating last 6 months or so but that is drying up and i got on really well with someone i liked but sadly she hasnt got back to me..typical online dating. now i'm not lookign forward to getting through xmas and newyear period. i've spent most of this year trying to meet someone, feels like i'm never going to meet someone new...and oh i'm 40 in 6 months

 

but i'll keep taking the punches and just get up and fight on. we cant give up believe there is someone else around the corner

[sunnyv]

hi adam

 

don't give up. i remember your break up from last year you have gotten so strong. i am proud of you. you will be ok, keep doing what you are doing and good things will come.

[adamt]

hi adam

 

don't give up. i remember your break up from last year you have gotten so strong. i am proud of you. you will be ok, keep doing what you are doing and good things will come.

 

Hello sunnyv, how are you getting on? any happy endings?

 

Yeah i've been doing great over the summer, keeping myself busy and doing plenty of stuff. But I seem to be going backwards a little recently. Not sure if it is post summer blues. or recently findng out my ex is now with someone else who i had suspicions of and i'm here still trying.I've been on about 11 dates this year and was hopeful but nothing materialised. a couple of them i really liked and looked promising but never went any further. online dating stinks. thinking of taking a break from it but want to keep my options open. time seems to be flying by this year and no closer to meeting someone else. still think about my ex a lot but know once i meet someone new i'll be fine. Think i am just feeling lonely and want to share my expereinces with someone.thats the frustrating bit. I'm moving to new offices on a big site, so maybe lots of new faces will bring something good.. Just dreading getitng through xmas and new year and realising it's another year

[SmilingKatty]

Just dreading getitng through xmas and new year and realising it's another year

I think, we should think of some really good challenge, that could help us to have happy Christmas... Does anyone has any ideas?

 

...another bad day is here (there is more and more of them recently... - still thinking about him and his girlfriend (how they are happy while I just cannot find the way out of the mess), comparing him to some new guy...).

But: "HERE and NOW!!!"

[Hell_On_Heels]

I've been thinking about the holidays myself. Blech....not looking forward to them, but then again they might be better now without my ex. He made the holidays such a drag - I don't know if that was on purpose or not.

 

I spent many holidays alone over the past years. I enjoyed cooking myself a small feast and lounging around for a day. But now I'm thinking I'd rather travel. Surely there are lots of singles who dread the holidays alone? Where do they go? What do they do? I was guessing that they take a 4-day weekend somewhere fabulous, somewhere very non-Christmasy.

[AutumnBorn]

Surely there are lots of singles who dread the holidays alone? Where do they go? What do they do? I was guessing that they take a 4-day weekend somewhere fabulous, somewhere very non-Christmasy.

 

 

A friend of mine goes to the Hilton Head Health Institute in South Carolina for Thanksgiving. I went with her last year. My kids made me promise I'd never leave them with their father again - so I'm cooking this year.

 

Another good idea is to volunteer to serve or cook at a soup line. It'll give meaning to the holidays.

[WomanWriter]

Something that helps me is thinking about the ex telling his girlfriend all the things he told you. When I think about B telling his rebound that she's the love of his life, crying because he loves her so much, and going to a fertility dr to see about having kids, it makes me sick to my stomach. Just knowing he could be doing these same things with her makes me not want him back. How could he have feelings for someone else so soon after me and continue to stay with her? Do I want someone like that? Someone who rather have his fun and games than a serious commitment? No, I don't. Do you? You have feelings for him but he obviously doesn't care enough about you if he's with someone else. That makes me realize that my own feelings must be an illusion...because here I am hung up on him, thinking he secretly feels the same, when he has a chance to be with me but won't take it. Is that very hopeful? No. You will get tired of wanting someone who doesn't want you. It takes time. I got over my ex fiance several months after I found out he had a gf. Knowing he wanted me, not her, was a big turn-off. I knew he would not come back to me when he was choosing her over me every day. The heart gets tired of going after something and always coming up short, so finally gives up.

[smplunkett]

I am trying to give him less "headtime" yet I am in the middle of locating money, property, vehicles, etc for the divorce. I do feel less of a victim when I locate new info - but it really does keep me thinking about him. I need to do the research, can't afford to hire someone to do it for me. Could possibly lose my home, which I had prior to our marriage, due to his legal nonsense. Had a great time working in the yard today!! The sun felt great. I feel like such a fool for not knowing about his "other life," but how he acted away from me was 100% unacceptable to me - as soon as I found out - I was done. It is just sad, and I hurt. But I will walk through it because I want to "come out the other side."

[SmilingKatty]

You have a completely different attitude to the situation! I would like to think like you do.

For exampel when I think of them doing and talking about the same things as we did, it just makes me really sad and jealous. But maybe it is because your partner has found someone very soon after breakup? Because mine ex has started to date 5 months after the breakup, so it isn´t any light or just rebound relationship...

Another thing is - the guy who has a girlfriend is for me always more attractive, that if he was single...

[Realitynut]

My first post. I wrote a book the other day about my life, and I lost it before it was posted. Last night I was reading everything that everyone has posted on this thread until 2 a.m. It's so depressing. But I think it made me decide to finally "give up hope" and move on.

 

Here's the short end of the story. I will post my whole story this week-end--it's a doozy.

 

My ex-fiance (even tho I still wear his ring on my left hand!??) proposed to me on July 5. Found out on Aug. 5 he met another woman the week before when he was on a golf outing with the boys. We had just got down celebrating our 3rd ann. We were living together. (expain in another thread)

 

We did have alot of confrontations. I'm highly emotional, and he's very low key. That is one of the reasons I loved him. I told him at the very beginning how I was. Anyway, He bought the ring LAST Oct. but never felt the time was "right" to give it to me.

 

In June I pushed the issue. So I knew he was going to propose either on our 3 yr. ann or on a vacation over the 4th. He got down on his knees and proposed. I asked him 3 x's are you sure. He said Yes. I said Yes.

 

Now you have to realize, since he had the ring since last year, my wedding dress was bought, along with all the other stuff. He bought me my necklace and shoes!

 

We had a huge fight on his birthday, July 29,and he said "maybe it would be best if I left for a few weeks. WHAT! He never said that before. OOps highjacking the thread.

 

Anyway, he left for a week, and I found out on Aug. 5 that he met someone. He even called her the day before he proposed. He told me they just exhanged phone numbers. I paid for his cell, and saw all the "new" numbers. I found out this week by looking, that he DID spend the first night wiht her. Hmmm....anothr hurt.

 

So, for these last 2 months he was giving me mixed signals. I do love you. I don't love her. I don't know what I want. Just give me a little time. It won't be long.

 

First I said I'd forgive him. But he had to leave her. He didn't. Then I said I'd share, but he had to tell her. He couldn't tell her. Finally, 3 weeks ago today, he told me (after I called him at work crying, give me some "reassurance") that there was something wrong with me. I was obsessed. People break up all the time. He didn't want to see me for 2 months. He'd call later. I cried "I thought you were going to end it with her!!!

 

How was THAT for wishful thinking. I was Obsessed. Big time!

 

So the reality hit, and I went NC. Finally this week he has called 4 time. I never answered. He said he missd me and thought of me often. He said he feels we will still get back together again, he doesnt' know when, but hopefully soon. He just doesn't know...He hopes I'm doing well. Then he tells me the reall reason he called. (long story that will be in thread)

 

Yesterday he called twice. Said he'd call today. (It's about a court appearance-disorderly conduct on my part--LONG story--not my fault) So The court appearance REALLY depressed me, because it was all his doing.

 

So now I have an ex who won't leave this other woman--chose her over me.

 

Keeps stringing me along, and says "soon" he thinks it will be over. Feels we will be back together again, don't know when...

 

And now a court appearance that he wants to go to with me, where I could be charged $1000 because he called them to our house on a bogus reason. The cops even made up the story worse than it was--but who would believe that???

 

So this morning I'm depressed again, after 2 days ago I was actually smiling for the first time. I told people, I'm not sure if I'm smiling because he called (obsession got her "fix") or if I finally thought "You A**" You don't talk to me for almost 3 weeks, got another woman, and you are stll trying to give me HOPE!!! I said, I'd figure it out later

 

But this court thing did me in again. I sent him a card 3 days ago, saying I could't talk to him or see him. the pain was too much. I told him that he said I wasn't suppose to love him anymore, so I'm trying to quit loving him. He gets the card today. Unless his kids throw it away. 3 weeks ago I sent him LONG letter, telling him how I felt, and his 4 options. (see me, see her, see us both, or basically string me along till next spring, and then decide to end it forever or be together) He never got the letter. Very dysfuncional Kids probably threw it away.

 

BTW. He's 54 divorced over 15 yrs. I'm 55 and was just getting out of a 20 yr. loveless marriage when I met him. So we are not kids. I want to give him an ultimatum--her or me--but they say that doesn't work. He always choses her! (honeymoon stage)

 

Plus I found pics of them (porn type) aftr only 2 months together, and she's RICH. Big house on lake with boat and toys. Everything he loves. Kinky sex, and money.

 

Should I be giving up hope???? I suppose.....All my stuff is still there. I'm thinking about maybe giving him until dec. to make a FINAL decision. Stupid, Huh?

 

Sorry for taking over this thread. I'm just so depressed and torn this morning....

[Hell_On_Heels]

The man proposed to you in July - a lifetime commitment in theory.

In August he left you for someone else.

He is taking you to court.

 

Shoud you give up hope? Yes!!!! Quit hoping for this man. Never stop hoping for good things in your life, but do quit hoping that this cheating jerk is going to make you happy. When you start to think of him, switch your thoughts to you, what makes you happy. Imagine your good life, and then take steps to get there. Without him.