He doesn't want in but he doesn't want out..

[lovesmenot]

Hey everyone,

 

I've been seeing this guy for almost 11 months now. I've grown to really care about him and think that I am in love with him. The only problem is we've never been officially together. The relationship is kind of stagnant and I feel like he is holding back. He works long hours almost every day for his business, so I can understand us not spending that much time together, but he never makes any attempt to involve me in his life. Apparently, I'm very low on his priority list...we only get to see each other once or twice a month.

 

I've already told him how I feel like I'm in love and want a relationship, but he says, although he has feelings for me, he's not able to give me what I want because of how busy he is. I've been so frustrated with things not going anywhere and have tried not talking to him and dating other guys, but for some reason, I end up going back to him. I can even see myself marrying him and being happy for the rest of my life, which is the first time I've felt that way for a guy.

 

After almost a year, a relationship should either grow or fizzle out. I'm not satisfied with the way things are and don't want another year to go by and have everything exactly the way it is now...I want more! And it's hard for me to cut him out of my life completely because he's not willing to do so either. I feel like I've done all I can to move things forward or to move on to someone else. Am I wasting my time waiting for him? What should you do about someone who doesn't want you completely out of their life but can't let you completely in it?

[waveseer]

You take it any way they give it until you simply can't any more and then you end it permanently.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I've already told him how I feel like I'm in love and want a relationship, but he says, although he has feelings for me, he's not able to give me what I want because of how busy he is.

 

That's total BS. That's a man who is keeping his options open and dating others while stringing you along. A person who really cares makes time...they are not too busy for someone they love. Walk away from this guy..do not contact him anymore. If he contacts you just tell him you are moving on because you deserve someone who makes you a priority in his life.

[lavenderdove]

Plenty of people are extremely busy and married and it doesn't stop them from having a family and relationship. The 'i'm too busy' is usually an excuse for someone who doesn't want a really serious relationship with you, or is juggling other women that you don't know about.

 

And it is a correct assessment that he's not all that interested in you if he only sees you once or twice a month. He must be doing something else on weekends and most evenings, even if he works a lot. And if he's an obsessed workaholic, that won't make for a good husband at all. If you're not happy with him now, you won't be happy with him as a wife when he neglects you for work all the time.

 

So if it were me, i'd try to negotiate seeing him at least once a week for a full day or both Friday and Saturday nights. If he won't go for that, then that means he either isn't that attached to you, or he is dating other women and not telling you about it. In both those cases, you need to move on.

[BriarRose]

11 months and you only see him once or twice a month? Are you certain he is not married? Is he long distance?

[tattoobunnie]

Think of all the CEOs of Fortune 500 companies, and I guarantee you that they are busier than this guy. And they still managed to get married an have kids. You've pleaded your case, and nothing's changed. Regardless if you can picture a future with him, this man does not plan to ever give you what you need or want. I'd drop this guy...FAST!

[tattoobunnie]

PS. My buddy was dating a guy for an entire year, but always kept her at arms length too. With the busy with work excuse. Turned out, he was married. She didn't find out till much later after he disappeared, and she saw his profile with his wife and two kids on Facebook.

[Maya_A]

and think that I am in love with him. I can even see myself marrying him and being happy for the rest of my life, which is the first time I've felt that way for a guy.

 

It might be a good idea to also ask yourself why you think you feel like that, barely seeing him, he not giving much of himself to you, which among other, means not really truly knowing him.

 

Make certain you are not dreaming on what you think his "potential", and your & his "potential" as a couple together could be. We can often fall in love with dreams or "potentials", paying less attention to realities.

 

Take a hard, bare-bones, gut honest look at the reality of the situation & ask yourself if that is really what you are attracted in genuine love to, and would wish to have for yourself in your life partner, and relationship energy.

[lovesmenot]

Thanks for all your responses...

 

I'm 99% sure he isn't married because I've met quite a few of his friends, including an old family friend, his nephews and their nanny, and people that live in his building, but never got the vibe from them that he is married or even has a serious girlfriend. I've been cheated on before by a guy that was carrying on 2 serious relationships at once and I've always had this gut instinct that something was going on. With this guy, however, I don't pick up any weird signs from him. It could be possible that he might go out on a date with other girls, but I don't think he in any sort of relationship with anyone. He's been pretty honest with me, and everything he's told me matches up.

 

As for work, he has told me that he doesn't really have the time to hang out with anyone. He recently started up a company and works 12+ hours and usually weekends as well...and I feel like he's the type of person that just wants time to himself when he does get a break. He's already told me several times that work is his main priority and I guess he wouldn't make a good boyfriend anyway since he's so busy..

 

I also feel like he's maybe waiting for me to get a career settled...I'm 22, just graduated college and am looking for a job, while he's over 40 and has owned several companies (age is definitely not the issue here). The only thing I know he has lied about is telling his friends that I work in banking, when I am, in fact, still looking for work.

 

Like I said, I don't get any strange vibes from him like he's trying to two-time me. I feel like its a combination of his work and him not really knowing what he wants. I find it really difficult to just stop talking to him though...but should I?

 

Sorry for this long message!

[BriarRose]

I agree with the others. You really need to get away from this guy. You are seriously going to get hurt here. He is full of it. People go to school, they work more than one job, they still find time for their partners

[Batya33]

There is no way I would be with anyone exclusively where I was only 99% sure he was single. 100% or nothing. Because it's something that's a fact - either he's single or he's not - and yes, part of it is trust, but if I didn't 100% trust that he was single, it would be a total dealbreaker. I agree with the others that all that "too busy" means is "I am not that into you" and/or "I am not available for a serious relationship because I am choosing to be married to my work" (or he is not single).

 

Are you two exclusive?

 

A close friend of mine is in a 1.5 year relationship with a man who works more than full time and has joint custody of three kids, lives an hour away from her and she doesn't drive and also has custody of her teenager. They see each other about twice a month, but it is clear that when they don't see each other he is either working/with his kids/sleeping or he is available but she is working/with her kids, etc.

 

The difference is that they make every effort to spend their precious and sparse free time together, they have been committed to each other for over a year now (meaning, they intend to marry once her child is on her own), and that goes a long way as far as the comfort level of "he/she is that into me".

 

So, sure, I can understand "busy" and "hectic" - I am married to a person like that and I am a person like that - but if you're not hearing that his intention in the not too distant future is to increase the amount of time he spends with you and if he's not showing you with actions that he is trying to see you as much as possible when he's not working or sleeping, I don't think this relationship really has wings. Sorry.

[lavenderdove]

^^

Yes, i agree that this isn't a problem of time, it is a problem of priorities and commitment.

 

I suspect he may not want a really serious relationship is he is a workaholic, and if he has considerable assets he doesn't want to share with a woman or risk losing in a marriage, especially if he has been divorced once already and lost money in the divorce.

 

Some middle aged men feel they've already done the 'family' thing and don't feel any pressure to hurry to do it again if they divorced and happy dating around.

[lovesmenot]

He's never been married before, and doesn't have any kids.

 

He and I aren't even in a "relationship". I wouldn't even know what to call it...I don't think friends with benefits is the right term because it's not just about sex. It would be like a normal relationship if we just saw each other more.

 

I hate giving ultimatums, but I'm thinking about telling him this- either we spend more time with each other or I will be out of his life completely. Do you think this is a good approach?

[Batya33]

He's never been married before, and doesn't have any kids.

 

He and I aren't even in a "relationship". I wouldn't even know what to call it...I don't think friends with benefits is the right term because it's not just about sex. It would be like a normal relationship if we just saw each other more.

 

I hate giving ultimatums, but I'm thinking about telling him this- either we spend more time with each other or I will be out of his life completely. Do you think this is a good approach?

 

No I really don't. I would tell him that you are looking for a serious relationship with him and see what he says. If he says he wants that then you need to explain to him what that means to you - that you see each other at least once a week (for example) to see if there is long term potential and you don't date other people. Your approach seems very vague (what does more time mean?) and overly confrontational.

[Rosee]

I think it's entirely possible that he's not seeing anyone else but is simply content with the way things are.

He's probably getting his romantic/sexual/emotional needs met to a certain extent while still having plenty of time to himself and his work (I think some people, men especially, are very happy with that kind of arrangement)..the problem is you are barely getting your needs met, so you do need to do something.

Talk to him first but if you do decide to walk away remember you are really young and will have plenty of opportunities for a fulfilling relationship ahead of you..it hurts but you'll get over it.

[lovesmenot]

I am planning to meet up with him tomorrow to talk about this situation. I honestly just want him to show me that he cares more and make more of an effort to see me. If he can't do this, then I will have to cut off all contact, as much as it pains me to do so.

 

Since giving him an ultimatum is a bad idea, what do I say?

[Lady Rashomon]

I am planning to meet up with him tomorrow to talk about this situation. I honestly just want him to show me that he cares more and make more of an effort to see me. If he can't do this, then I will have to cut off all contact, as much as it pains me to do so.

 

Since giving him an ultimatum is a bad idea, what do I say?

 

You're not getting your needs met. I don't see that you have any other alternative aside from giving him an ultimatum.

[lovesmenot]

So, I've been doing some reading on commitment phobia and this guy fits the bill...I always knew he was reluctant to get into a serious relationship, but I believed it to be more because of his work than anything else. I feel a bit better about my situation because now I can put a name to it. I know that it's not my fault that this "relationship" never worked out. Tomorrow I will let him know that I'm done. I don't think he will ever change, so I will just have to accept that.

 

Thanks for all the responses...I will let you know how this turns out!

[lavenderdove]

Everything is negotiable, incluidng relationship issues.

 

So don't go into it thinking of it as making a demand, but instead as negotiating something that will satisfy both your needs. Give him a chance to give you what you need, not an ultimatum tinged with anger because you haven't been getting it. For example, if you don't go into a car dealership angry at the salesman because he has the ability to give you a car but hasn't given you one you haven't asked for yet (which is not realistic), but you go in willing to negotiate to get what you want.

 

So negotiate with him. Tell him that you really enjoy spending time with him, and don't expect to take all his time, but you want a closer relationship where you spend at least once a week together, otherwise you feel too lonely and like you're missing out. If he wants to give that to you fine, but if he absolutely refuses, then you can tell him although you really enjoy his company, you just need someone who is willing to include you more in his life than he is willing to do.

 

If you present a reasonable argument for getting your needs met he is more likely to want to do it and be willing to do it. But if he only wants a very casual relationship with little contact and you want a 'normal' relationship, then perhaps what he is 'selling' (a very casual relationship) isn't something you want to buy and hence you need to walk away and keep shopping for someone who is willing to give you exactly what you want. Some people are happy with a string of casual girlfriends and never want to marry. If he's that type, then he's not the guy for you and you're better spending your time elsewhere.

[lovesmenot]

So an update...

 

I went to go meet him last night, but when I got there, his phone was turned off. I don't hear from him until the next morning, when he texts me saying he's out of state. Granted, when we talked on friday, he said he might not be home but that I could still come over, but he never tried cancelling our meeting on saturday.

 

For me, this was the straw that broke the camels back. I was planning on ending it anyway, but I wanted to have the talk with him face to face. I'm not going to waste my time on him anymore. I texted him today saying "when you're ready to talk, call me". If he never contacts me, oh well...I move on with my life. But if he does want to talk, it's going to be under my terms. I'm tired of doing all the work in this relationship.

 

I am 100% convinced that this guy has commitment issues/is emotionally unavailable. I think this might be because of his parents relationship and he hasn't spoken to his father in over a decade. The only way I will continue to talk to him is if he's willing to work on becoming emotionally available. Do you think there's any hope for this?

[Ms Darcy]

I think your decision to end this is wise. He does not seem interested in you in a meaningful way.

[lavenderdove]

'he might not be home but that I could still come over'

 

That is ridiculous! He can't even pick up the phone and make plans with you, or let you know what he is doing and if he needs to cancel plans?

 

I honestly think this guy has more going on than you know (i.e., he's seeing someone else) or else he is so unattached he doesn't even bother to call you to keep in touch and be considerate/normally polite because he doesn't care what you think/do.

 

I think you did the right thing breaking up with him. Making plans then not even calling to cancel is just rude and not acceptable treatment, regardless of why he behaves this way.

[Circe1607308268]

lovesme(not), just wanted to warn you about labeling people with various syndromes like "commitmentphobe" and "emotionally unavailable," and then rationalizing the label with history -- like a bad relationship with his father, etc.

 

Only because this tends to make you feel as though there is some "issue" standing in the way of your relationship and that this person can't "help" the way they behave -- which then leads you to believe that you can "work through it" with them. I'm sure there are some few individuals who have these problems, but I'll bet that they suffer almost as much as anyone getting involved with them. How awful to want to be with someone and find your way fraught with baggage and obstacles that you are unable to shift!

 

Most people who behave the way you are describing this guy are simply selfish, self-absorbed and inconsiderate. Just people being people. They don't have a tragic past or any painful trauma driving them. They just want to have their cake and eat it, too. If you decide to break this off, don't spend any time thinking about his "problems." Get on with your life ASAP.