Springs Posted June 5, 2010 Share Posted June 5, 2010 ....and I didn't know about it. He still talks to her every week, and admitted he has been to see her a couple of times since we've been together. She broke up with a couple of months before we met..and he said he was heartbroken. So now I'm feeling like I was a rebound from the start, and foolish that I didn't know he still talks to this girl regularly and says he still cares for her. I don't want to be a psycho about it and don't necessarily want him to stop talking to her, but is it wrong of me to feel a slight betrayal that he hasn't told me they are still talking? And it's the feeling that she broke up with him, therefore there must be a part of him that still wants her. I trust that he would never do anything with her, but am aggravated that she is still a part of his life and he didn't tell me about it. (I pressed him on the issue by the way, he didn't tell me independently). We've had a little argument about it, but then made up again, but I still feel down about it. Is that ridiculous?? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 5, 2010 Share Posted June 5, 2010 Did he say why he still talks to her so much, how he feels about her and how he feels about you/your relationship? Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 5, 2010 Share Posted June 5, 2010 It sounds to me like you are indeed rebound girl. If there was nothing shady about him talking to his ex and seeing her he would have readily volunteered the information without you having to press him like that. If she broke up with him he could be keeping in contact with her in the hopes she will want to take him back...so the minute she says I want to try again, you will be history. Is he that great of a guy that you want to hang around and be his sloppy seconds while he is waiting hopefully for his ex to take him back? Link to comment
Springs Posted June 5, 2010 Author Share Posted June 5, 2010 Apparently she 'wasn't a good girlfriend, but is a good friend'. He said he could understand why I would be upset if they had always just known each other in a relationship capacity, but they were friends for a year before they started dating. He made me feel ridiculous for being upset, like I am overracting. He said if we broke up and six months down the line were both in different relationships would I still care about him?? Obviously I assume I would. The thing is I've never been in a serious relationship before him, so it's easy for him in that way. Also, he is really good to me and very affectionate and makes a lot of effort to see me (He lives an hour away). It's all very confusing and I don't know what to think. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 5, 2010 Share Posted June 5, 2010 Apparently she 'wasn't a good girlfriend, but is a good friend'. He said he could understand why I would be upset if they had always just known each other in a relationship capacity, but they were friends for a year before they started dating. He made me feel ridiculous for being upset, like I am overracting. He said if we broke up and six months down the line were both in different relationships would I still care about him?? Obviously I assume I would. The thing is I've never been in a serious relationship before him, so it's easy for him in that way. Also, he is really good to me and very affectionate and makes a lot of effort to see me (He lives an hour away). It's all very confusing and I don't know what to think. If it was really nothing and they were such great friends before then why did he keep it a secret? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 5, 2010 Share Posted June 5, 2010 How long have you two been together? How old are you both? Did you ask him how he would react if she wanted him back? I think, from what you have said so far, you have every reason to feel uneasy. It's not good for a relationship to hide interactions with the ex from your current partner. Link to comment
lukeb Posted June 5, 2010 Share Posted June 5, 2010 You may or may not have something to be concerned about depending on the type of relationship he has with his ex. If he was heartbroken when they broke up and this happened only months ago that is a danger sign. There really isn't enough information here though, to judge what is going on. You are kind of in a tough spot as well. He obviously feels there is nothing wrong with keeping contact with his ex, you telling him that you have problems with that would give him the impression that you do not trust him. That is not a good relationship builder. Link to comment
DN Posted June 5, 2010 Share Posted June 5, 2010 What sort of things do they talk about? Link to comment
Jd1983 Posted June 5, 2010 Share Posted June 5, 2010 To be honest, I think he is just making excuses about everything. It does sound as though you were his rebound. If he stated that he was really heartbroken and he still cares about her, then it does sound as though he still has feelings for her. Just because they were friends in the past, does not necessarily mean that he has to remain close to her. Alongside of that, why would there be a need for him to hide it from you, if it was so innocent? Link to comment
Springs Posted June 5, 2010 Author Share Posted June 5, 2010 We've been together for 9 months. He said she has treated him badly, so he decided after the break up that it was for the best. That's what he says, but I mean..if she didn't want to be with him he would have no choice but to accept it! If I asked him how he would react if she wanted to get back with him, I know he would tell me he wouldn't want to. He says I am 10 times the girl she is, and that he cares more about me that he ever did about her...but I don't understand why, if she treated him so badly, he would still want her in his life. I love him very much, he is the first person I've ever had sex with, and really cared for. He has done a lot for me but I feel so hurt to think that all this time, he is talking to someone who broke his heart only 2 months before we met. Link to comment
Springs Posted June 5, 2010 Author Share Posted June 5, 2010 What sort of things do they talk about? I asked him this, and he first said stupid things like how was work etc. Then he said they've had discussions about what she did (cheated on him I think) and how he will never forgive her. I don;t think he's over her at all. But I really don;t want to lose him. I feel awful Link to comment
Springs Posted June 5, 2010 Author Share Posted June 5, 2010 I asked him this, and he first said stupid things like how was work etc. Then he said they've had discussions about what she did (cheated on him I think) and how he will never forgive her. I don;t think he's over her at all. But I really don;t want to lose him. I feel awful Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 5, 2010 Share Posted June 5, 2010 If she cheated on him and treated her badly why is he still friends with her? I think he feels more for her than he is being honest with you about. Two months after having his heart ripped out of his chest with her betrayal, he started seeing you and continued a relationship with you. I have seen this all the time on this forum from people who were cheated on and got dumped and within a couple of months they are already dating someone new who treats them well..but their heart has not mended from the previous relationship. They have chosen someone who is good for them but their heart is not 100% in the new relationship...their heart is still tied to the ex. So while they go through the motions of being a good partner to the new one, their mind is 1000 miles away with thoughts and feelings for the ex. They won't give up the new partner because the new partner is everything the old partner wasn't...and yet their heart is not really with the new partner. In other words it is like eating broccoli because it is good for you when what you really want but can't have is the chocolate cake. Link to comment
Springs Posted June 5, 2010 Author Share Posted June 5, 2010 ouch thanks for the honesty..maybe this is what i need to hear. Link to comment
BriarRose Posted June 5, 2010 Share Posted June 5, 2010 I agree with CAD. He's done more than talk to her, he's gone to see her - several times. The minute she takes him back you will be toast. You deserve a real committment. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 5, 2010 Share Posted June 5, 2010 For me, the big issue is that 9 months into dating you he's not over his ex. This is baaaad. I have seen rebounds work, but that's when the rebounded gets over the ex and moves on within a few months of the new relationship. At this stage, if he is not invested in you, you do need to worry. Link to comment
jenesaispas Posted June 5, 2010 Share Posted June 5, 2010 i hate to say it, but this sounds a lot like my previous relationship. my ex talked to his ex and didn't tell me (omission= lying) and did it for years. he always put the blame on her and made me feel crazy for having a problem. unfortunately, i never handled the situation properly and allowed it to continue, i suppose... although with hindsight, i don't know if i could have ever fixed that relationship. i'm pretty sure he was having an emotional affair at least- something i was unable to wrap my head around when i was with him. your bf needs to be honest with you. open-book with this girl. yes, privacy is important, but so is integrity in relationships. if he's still going to talk to her, he should tell you and be willing to show you what they're exchanging. specifically, he needs to show he's trustworthy. um, you guys are an hour apart? where does his ex live? Link to comment
catfeeder Posted June 5, 2010 Share Posted June 5, 2010 I'd make this less about labels and trying to analyze BF, and I'd make this more about myself and how I want to live. Nobody can tell you what you 'should' feel or want or expect. That needs to come from you, because if you pretzel yourself to avoid your gut instincts, you lose either way. BF has essentially set you up in a competition without your knowledge, and no matter what you do to try to be okay with that, the knots in your stomach won't pipe down and go away. I'd make this less about what BF did or does, and I'd make it more about whether I'd want to remain a relationship that has me looking over my shoulder. I'd likely tell BF, "I adore you and while I hope we'll get to enjoy a wonderful future together, I need to step away and allow you to finish old business before that can ever happen. I hope you'll contact me in the future if you're ever free and clear of all contact and feelings for the ex. If I'm still available, we can meet to catch up. Until then, I want us to be apart while I still think good of you." I can appreciate that you may not be willing to do this, I can only speak for myself. In my book, it's the only shot I'd have of a solid and healthy relationship with the guy in the future. I'd rather pass on putting myself through the meat grinder of wondering where he 'really' stands--with her or with me--every. single. day. Link to comment
Springs Posted June 5, 2010 Author Share Posted June 5, 2010 I'm confused about where I should take this now. If speak to him about it, in my heart I know all I will want is reassurance that nothing is going on. I can't ask him to stop speaking to her, can I? I know there is no real way he can prove his commitment to me more other than cutting her out. If he does cut her out, I'll be the girl who made him lose this person he still cares for. Ahhhhhhhhhh Link to comment
Cadence44 Posted June 5, 2010 Share Posted June 5, 2010 I'm confused about where I should take this now. If speak to him about it, in my heart I know all I will want is reassurance that nothing is going on. I can't ask him to stop speaking to her, can I? I know there is no real way he can prove his commitment to me more other than cutting her out. If he does cut her out, I'll be the girl who made him lose this person he still cares for. Ahhhhhhhhhh What you should do is start worrying about YOU. Even if he gives you reassurance, you shouldn't trust it because it's obvious that he hasn't moved on from her. If you ask him to stop talking to her, it's probably going to backfire and make him value her more and feel internally resentful toward you. He cannot give you what you want if he is still emotionally invested in his ex. I hate to say it, but I think leaving him is the only thing that's going to wake him up to what he's lost by his refusal to see what is right in front of his face. If you hang in there he's just going to continue to take you for granted. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted June 5, 2010 Share Posted June 5, 2010 I'm confused about where I should take this now. If speak to him about it, in my heart I know all I will want is reassurance that nothing is going on. I can't ask him to stop speaking to her, can I? I know there is no real way he can prove his commitment to me more other than cutting her out. If he does cut her out, I'll be the girl who made him lose this person he still cares for. Ahhhhhhhhhh No you won't be. What you will be, is the girl who made the wise choice to leave a guy who was deceiving you, by still being involved with his ex. Link to comment
DN Posted June 5, 2010 Share Posted June 5, 2010 I think the difference here is that he was friends with her before they became boyfriend/girlfriend and whether they have reverted to just that status. Link to comment
Springs Posted June 5, 2010 Author Share Posted June 5, 2010 No you won't be. What you will be, is the girl who made the wise choice to leave a guy who was deceiving you, by still being involved with his ex. I know I may be clutching at straws BUT.... He has promised me he doesn't have those feelings for her anymore, and that he just cares about her as a friend...what if this is true? Should I ask him to leave someone who is just a friend? Or is being friends with her simply not possible under the circumstances? Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted June 5, 2010 Share Posted June 5, 2010 My concerns with that is, if they are just friends, why did he keep that a secret from you? Link to comment
Springs Posted June 5, 2010 Author Share Posted June 5, 2010 he said he thought it would upset me...which it has. Link to comment
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