Finding Real Love After Marriage

[bertdru]

So let's say a guy gets married in an arranged marriage. He is happy and all. But then he meets the girl of his dreams. After meeting this woman, he doesn't have sex with his wife. He then has a good relationship with the other woman and he doesn't reveal his married status until a few months. He then divorces his wife.

 

So is he a bad guy for not revealing the truth earlier? He would never have had a good relationship with the "other woman" if he had told the truth earlier. Also he didn't have sex with his wife after he met the woman. So he can't be a bad guy right?

[spearntime]

Wow that is so complex only PRAYER could give some insight after maybe...YEARS of soul searching (IMHO)

[sidehop]

Are we trying to justify such man's action? The lying and the cheating? Even if sex didn't take place with this new woman there's already an emotional affair that's involved. I wouldn't consider him a good guy either. Bad can mean so many things.

[DN]

Yes he is a 'bad' guy. He cheated and broke his marriage vows.

[Hermes]

I am not quite following your reasoning, Bert.

 

"He" gets married in an arranged married, and is "happy". Then he meets dream-girl (just an emotional affair?). Anyhow he does not tell his wife, but she must wonder, I would imagine, what happened to the marital sex life.

Also, he is withdrawing emotion, love and sex from his wife, to which, arranged or not, she would be entitled as a wife.

 

Strange.

H

[bertdru]

I am not quite following your reasoning, Bert.

 

"He" gets married in an arranged married, and is "happy". Then he meets dream-girl (just an emotional affair?). Anyhow he does not tell his wife, but she must wonder, I would imagine, what happened to the marital sex life.

Also, he is withdrawing emotion, love and sex from his wife, to which, arranged or not, she would be entitled as a wife.

 

Strange.

H

 

Well wouldn't it be wrong to have sex with his wife when he has another woman on his mind?

[Hermes]

Aahh Bert:

 

Are you having me on LOL

 

Well wouldn't it be wrong to have sex with his wife when he has another woman on his mind?

 

H

[savignon]

Bertdru- have you met a guy like this and you're trying to figure him out? If so, are you the wife or the second woman?

[itsallgrand]

Pre-meditated infidelity and breaking of vows. Rough stuff!

 

I think that when you get married - in theory at least - you are giving up the 'right' to pursue any possible dream girls or guys that may come along since you did make a life long commitment to the wife/hub.

 

Of course people don't always stay in the lines, but to those people - why in the hell get married in the first place? Life isn't so bad single, I gotta say, and if you aren't intending on going 100% with a marriage even before it leaves the conception stage lol....just stay single dude.

[abitbroken]

It doesn't matter if its an arranged marriage or not. Cheating is still wrong. Perhaps you want us to say arranged marriage is wrong so justified. Many of these relationships do work out because the spouses choose to love eachother. They either genuinely become captivated with eachother (just works out they end up with someone they naturally find fantastic) or make a choice to partner with them because they are with eachother. Not all are like that, but some are. People who don't have a choice sometimes try to make it work. And arranged marriages today aren't like they were 200 years ago. Instead of not meeting the person until you are at the altar and being a 15 year old groomand 12 year old bride , there is usually an arranged meeting before any engagement is made. Sure, its not like just meeting someone spontaneously and falling in love but if the girl was unappealing and you didn't hit it off, you could say no. It might not sit well with relatives but another match will be made.

 

As far as the second woman - did he end up with her? If I were her, I would be afraid he would cheat on me when I started getting older. Girls of one's dreams can easily be a wonderful fantasy until reality sets in. If I was the other woman, I would dump him when I found out he was married or hope I had the strength to. It is not a good relationship, btw if critical things in life are so hidden

 

It is okay to have fantasies when one has sex. Sure, its not great that if he would have thoughts of someone else, but many men think about some Hollywood star. Does that mean he would run after that person? nope.

[bertdru]

I didn't say arranged marriages are wrong. But there is a chance that the guy may not be head over heels when he marries someone. He might not be very picky either.

 

But later if he meet the girl of his dreams, he wants to grab that opportunity. Is that wrong? And from that point onwards, if he doesn't have sex with his wife, he is not a bad guy right? It is not a "wanting to have the cake and eat it too" situation.

 

How can he reveal the truth? If he does it, then his relationship with his soulmate is doomed. I have also said he divorces his wife. So he isn't stringing his wife along. He does make a commitment, only after some time of thought.

[savignon]

People aren't just good or bad. We all make our choices and face the consequences. I'm not very familiar with arranged marriages...are husbands and wives able to get divorced? I'm assuming yes since this post assumes the couple got a divorce. People get divorced every day and aren't "bad" people. People have emotional and physical affairs every day and aren't necesarily bad people. It's a value judgement you'll have make if you're considering dating someone who is doing or has done that.

[RedDress]

Yes, he is a bad person. The fact that he stopped sleeping with his wife makes it slightly less terrible. It doesn't make it ok. Here's why:

 

1) He's lying to his wife. He's cheating on his wife. He promised to be with his wife forever. He is clearly going back on this promise when he starts seeing the other woman. When he meets the 'perfect woman' he should stop, cut contact with the 'perfect woman' and talk to his wife. He should figure out what is missing in his marriage that makes him look another way. He should work with his wife to bring his life to a place where they can both be happy. This is, after all, what he promised his wife when he married her. He is not even giving her the chance to make things 'right'. How is this in ANY way fair to the wife?

 

Marriages (arranged or not) work because people MAKE them work. Not because they magically work on their own.

 

The fact that he didn't sleep with her while carrying on an affair is kinda nice, I guess... but what would have happened if things didn't work out with the 'perfect woman'?? Would he have gone back to the wife? Obviously yes, otherwise he would have divorced her immediately before persuing a relationship with the 'other woman'. AGAIN, he is not giving her ANY choice in this matter, because he is lying about the whole thing.

 

2) The other woman. He is starting the relationship based on lies. A big FAT lie. If a man can lie about something as big as being married - what else can he lie about?? He is ALSO not giving this woman a choice. He is manipulating her by showing her what he wants to show her. This is not love... Love is about accepting people for who they are. How can she love him if he only shows her the stuff he wants her to see?

 

The whole sex thing is somewhat respectible. But in the grand scheme of lies and betrayal (of BOTH women)... NO... he is not a 'good' guy. He is a selfish guy. One that does not care about the free will of others - only his own gain.

[catfeeder]

What's the point in standing up to make vows to one person and presumably a room full of people, only to turn around and break those vows?

 

That not only means nobody else can trust the man's promises, it means he can't even trust his own. When you can't even trust your own word, what have you got, exactly?

[Etoile]

I didn't say arranged marriages are wrong. But there is a chance that the guy may not be head over heels when he marries someone. He might not be very picky either.

 

But later if he meet the girl of his dreams, he wants to grab that opportunity. Is that wrong?

 

Why have an arranged marriage or any kind of marriage if you're just waiting for something better to come along?

 

Is the wife just filling a gap until you meet the right person?

[abitbroken]

I didn't say arranged marriages are wrong. But there is a chance that the guy may not be head over heels when he marries someone. He might not be very picky either.

 

But later if he meet the girl of his dreams, he wants to grab that opportunity. Is that wrong? And from that point onwards, if he doesn't have sex with his wife, he is not a bad guy right? It is not a "wanting to have the cake and eat it too" situation.

 

How can he reveal the truth? If he does it, then his relationship with his soulmate is doomed. I have also said he divorces his wife. So he isn't stringing his wife along. He does make a commitment, only after some time of thought.

 

I meant that you were implying we should react that way - other wise you wouldn't bring up that its an arranged marriage - you would have just said he wasn't in love with his wife. or you are looking for us to be more sympathetic to him.

 

Yes, it is still very wrong. Just as if it weren't an arranged marriage, the woman who is the other woman is a fantasy. She is perfect because he isn't involved in her day to day problems, the spark of newness is there. It is also a relationship built on lies because she did not know he was married - so its not a good foundation.

 

As far as divorcing the wife, if he divorced her before he met this "dream girl" i would say "okay", but the fact is he cheated on his wife. It doesnt change that. Swapping one woman for another doesn't solve anyone's problems. ever. It just delays one from dealing with it.

 

You say "how can he reveal the truth?" What is he revealing? Revealing to the "dream girl" he is married, or revealing to the wife there is a dreamgirl? what??

[Hermes]

People get divorced every day and aren't "bad" people. People have emotional and physical affairs every day and aren't necesarily bad people. It's a value judgement you'll have make if you're considering dating someone who is doing or has done that.

 

The big problem with life is that it isn't just cut and dried. People make MISTAKES, all the time. To err is human. No one is perfect. I personally think it is a question of ethics, and ideally I believe that if a spouse meets someone else, then s/he should first end the marriage and then get on with whatever.

However, humans being humans, that is not how - ideally - it tends to work. The statistics for infidelity are there, both men and women. So infidelity exists.

Being judgmental about someone who "fell by the wayside" is not, IMO, very nice. And you would be amazed at the number of women I know of who smugly say: "Oh my husband Jim/Harry would NEVER be like that Janie's hsband who is cheating on her." And I knowing full well that Jim/harry IS!!

 

It is rather like saying road accidents don't exist, o that the flu doesn't exist. Infidelity exists, big time.

Cracking the moral whip will not make an iota of difference, not now, not 300 years ago, not ever.

 

H

[catfeeder]

[...] Cracking the moral whip will not make an iota of difference, not now, not 300 years ago, not ever.

 

H

 

I like that. It points toward cracking a practical whip, which I think is especially useful. So the question becomes how practical is it to invest your trust in someone who has already demo'd an ability to pursue another lover while married?

 

I guess it depends on your ability to trick your own mind away from wondering whether he's happy with you enough 'today' to curb himself--because you'll never know what a wonderful woman he might meet next week, while you've got the flu or a few extra pounds or a pimple.

 

Point, for me, isn't about estimating whether someone is good or bad by societal standards, it's about knowing myself well enough for clarity on where I stand. I know that I would never feel secure enough about this man's long-range loyalty to invest my own future with him. That's not about him, that's about me.

[shhh]

I didn't say arranged marriages are wrong. But there is a chance that the guy may not be head over heels when he marries someone. He might not be very picky either.

 

But later if he meet the girl of his dreams, he wants to grab that opportunity. Is that wrong? And from that point onwards, if he doesn't have sex with his wife, he is not a bad guy right? It is not a "wanting to have the cake and eat it too" situation.

 

How can he reveal the truth? If he does it, then his relationship with his soulmate is doomed. I have also said he divorces his wife. So he isn't stringing his wife along. He does make a commitment, only after some time of thought.

 

He is not a bad guy, but he doesn't think so much for others but himself. He acts first and then thinks later. and would he have grabbed that opportunity anyway for any other girl that he happens to cross paths with that may fit the girl of his dreams pedestal? He's in a marriage, and he's still looking. What are the problems in the marriage that he's not putting in the effort to work out? If he's not in love with the girl he made a life binding contract, tell him to read the small print, and terminate it. He's a man, not a boy anymore.

[bertdru]

He is not a bad guy, but he doesn't think so much for others but himself. He acts first and then thinks later. and would he have grabbed that opportunity anyway for any other girl that he happens to cross paths with that may fit the girl of his dreams pedestal? He's in a marriage, and he's still looking. What are the problems in the marriage that he's not putting in the effort to work out? If he's not in love with the girl he made a life binding contract, tell him to read the small print, and terminate it. He's a man, not a boy anymore.

 

Or maybe he is a guy who actually meets his soulmate. It is not everyday that he may come accross the girl of his dreams. You make it seem as if he is on the lookout everyday for various women. He is in love only with this one woman. So what's wrong with rethinking his marriage?

[arcadefire]

I think the OP is trying to justify a man's actions for cheating, emotional or physical. What he is doing is wrong, despite being in an arranged marriage. When he agreed to get married (and from my understanding, most arranged marriages are consensual in some form), then he agreed to stay with this woman for as long as they live. And if he chose to get married, he can very easily get divorced as well and face the consequences of that.

 

Leading another innocent woman along by saying he's single instead of married, who wants to be in that situation? No one. You shouldn't settle in that position. He's played you. He should've divorced his wife first before stringing you along. If anything, this shows just how weak of a character he has in him.

[Hermes]

I think Catfeeder that it is more about imperfect humans in an imperfect world. I daresay few people would go into marriage thinking as of tomorrow, next month, next year, I am going to start on my infidelity sprees." A future spouse may not demonstrate any tendency to "roam"either before the marriage, or indeed immediately thereafter. (BTW I don't think infidelity exists because society thinks it should!).

 

There is in fact no way of telling in advance what is going to happen in any situation, including marriage. People do, by and large, have good intentions, but as I am trying to point out, people make MISTAKES, sometimes very big mistakes. And there is not a person in this world who has NOT made a mistake of some kind.

 

I think very rarely does infidelity occur because someone has the flu, a few pimples or a few extra pounds. Wives (and husbands as the case may be) tend to think the infidelity is THEIR fault.

 

Life is unfair, and one thing is sure, marriage is not for the fainthearted.

 

H

[shhh]

Or maybe he is a guy who actually meets his soulmate. It is not everyday that he may come accross the girl of his dreams. You make it seem as if he is on the lookout everyday for various women. He is in love only with this one woman. So what's wrong with rethinking his marriage?

 

Very well, if he is in love only with this one women, and all the signs point in the direction that she is his soulmate, then let him find ways and encourage him to make this dream become a concrete reality so that he can live the life he wants. If, in the arrange marriage, he feels that he can not please and make his wife happy, then his wife too, should not be limiting herself to a man that doesn't love her. Works out to me, just a couple of logistics and a few dramas on the family and friends part...people aren't exactly a good sportsmanship on that. Gluck!.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Or maybe he is a guy who actually meets his soulmate. It is not everyday that he may come accross the girl of his dreams. You make it seem as if he is on the lookout everyday for various women. He is in love only with this one woman. So what's wrong with rethinking his marriage?

 

If a man is capable of being married and being decietful to his wife (stopping sex and not telling her that it is because he found someone else) and deceitful to the one he says he loves (not telling her that he is legally married) then who's to say that once the new relationship gets mundane he might find a new "soulmate" and repeat the same deceitful process. Sometimes the ends DO NOT justify the means.

[RedDress]

There is in fact no way of telling in advance what is going to happen in any situation, including marriage. People do, by and large, have good intentions, but as I am trying to point out, people make MISTAKES, sometimes very big mistakes. And there is not a person in this world who has NOT made a mistake of some kind.

 

I strongly disagree with this logic. Cheating is not - nor will it ever be - a mistake. It is a very deliberate action. A person doesn't "accidentally" have sex with someone else. They don't "forget" that it's going to destroy their partner. They aren't ignorant of the fact that it is wrong. It's just that they don't care if it's wrong or if it's going to hurt their partner. Behaving callously is not a "mistake".

 

I don't buy into the whole "drunk" bit, either. People don't behave in a way that is out of character while drunk. They may be more bold in their actions... the 'filter' may come off... but they still have basic knowledge of right and wrong.

 

And the "temptation" excuse is BS too. Sex is a need - yes. But it's not like food. You can live without (at least temporarily) regardless of how tempting something may be.

 

I believe in personal responsibility. If we don't have personal responsibility as a society, we have nothing. (But I didn't mean to kill that person! But I didn't mean to rip down a neighbors fence! Regardless of how intoxicated you are, these actions are still wrong and you are held to them by the court of law. I don't see how cheating is any different.)

 

Getting married in the first place - now that can be a mistake. You were young... you didn't think it through...

 

How one chooses to deal with that mistake (getting married) tells a lot about one's character.