whats your secret?

[veralyn]

What do you do when you're at a point in your life where everything just feels hopeless? You want so bad to laugh again, and you do, but only for the moment... And you go out and dance and meet people and have a great time... But then at the end of the day, you're left crying about what you lost. How do you get to a point again where you are genuinely and deeply happy, not just happy in the moment? How do you let go of guilt or pain that you have inside of yourself for whatever the reason? There must be a secret that people have. But they say that the way you present your life is the way your inner mind is. And I look arouond at my apartment, and there is crap everywhere. I haven't done my laundry in months. I haven't properly slept in weeks. And I walked home through the park today so no one on the main street could see me crying behind my sunglasses. I honestly never understood why people were so bitter towards love, because all I knew of it was the most beautiful, magical side of it. But the other side of it makes you want to never ever ever believe in anything again. Or trust anyone. I'm pushing away people in my life, and sabotaging potential for real human connection, because I'm so attached to a figment of my past that I just can't let go of... I'm well aware. But it's been longer than feels appropriate to still be grieving. One week everythign is okay, the next week I'm back to helpless... And it's been going on and on for months. Years, really. Nothing has been the same since you were in my life.. You were real.. Everything else feels like a facade becaue it's just not worth it without sharing it with you.. But I want to make it all real, I just don't know how.

 

 

The question I want you to answer is: What's your secret? When you want to do nothing but sleep and be miserable, how do you find a genuine desire to get up and prove to the world what you're worth? I do it every day, but it's forced. I used to be so good at everything I did, and the only reason was because I WAS HAPPY, truly happy. I had a passion for life, and an energy to live. (I'm not saying I want to die, but to really truly live every moment... Well, that curiosity and spirit died when you left. I want that love for life back.). But when that's gone, how do you get back to your happy place? They say that you don't find happiness, you take it with you......... But how do you do that? I want to be that kind of person.

 

 

I'm just looking for people's personal strategies... Or opinions on this notion of "inner peace" that supposedly makes all foibles so much easier to work through. It's an interesting philosophy to me, and as times get rougher, i seem to get more spiritual, and i'd like to delve a little deeper...

[Sparkly Eyes]

your question is my question too my friend. I wish I knew a "secret" that could help me, but I have failed to find one. I was feeling depressed not that long ago and am ok for a while now. I don't think I used any particular tactic, time was what I needed to get over the things that made me depressed.

[Capricorn3]

It sounds like you're suffering from severe depression. Have you received any counselling/therapy for this? If not, I strongly advise you to seek help because it will not get any better struggling on your own. This will be your starting point in healing and getting better.

[veralyn]

I don't think I'm depressed, I think I am just deeply sad. But I'm not that kind of person. I am a happy, positive person. I've just lost that side of me, the side of me that people loved, and want it back... I think I expel negative energy, and I hate that. My sadness has gotten so much worse as time without my love has gone on... It's supposed to go the other way around... It's supposed to get easier... I need to find something else in life that makes me as happy as being with him does. But don't know how to let that go.. don't know where to start. I'm always wrestling with something in my head; i never feel calm, at peace. i think if i could find that, i'd start making right decisions, because i've made an awful lot of wrong ones as a result of overthinking things. Is this normal?

[onewithbooks]

I went through this over the summer. My turning point is when I realized the phrase "Fight or die." I had two options. I could either decide I was worth fighting for, or not. ( I am not using die in the literal physical sense, here, but you get my point.)

 

My best advice is before you start trying to prove to the world what you are worth, you need to prove to you are worth the journey. You have to fight to regain you to have something to show to the world.

 

You say that you need to find something in life that makes you as happy as he did. Why do you let you be the thing that makes you happy. Do things for you, then do something good for someone else, and then let yourself feel good about that. In this way you can start recognizing that you are a positive force - and a positve force to be reckoned with on the days the sadness starts to troll around.

 

Is all of this normal? Sure. Its normal to have bouts of sadness and depression and the rollercoaster of emotions. If you can feel the emotion, its normal to then have the experience of it. The mark of who you are will be in what you do with the emotions you have. If you do nothing and let it run over you, you will be the person who can't control their inner world. If you day by day work at taking it back and learning how to manage it, then you will be the person who is overcoming her darkness.

[90_hour_sleep]

Pema Chodron...

 

she lifts my soul...warms my heart...reminds me to be gentle with myself...to always remain curious. she reminds me that whatever i have right now...is really all i have to work with. she reminds me not to fight it. she reminds me not to throw away all of my neurotic 'garbage'...because along with that garbage comes everything that makes me ME! she reminds me to open my heart. she reminds me to feel sadness...to experience it...to let it touch me. she reminds me to recognize the presciousness of my surroundings. she reminds me of compassion...and interconnectedness. she reminds me that even when i'm feeling wretched and worthless, that this is all a part of the experience.

 

she reminds me to let go. let go. discover where you're stuck...and slowly begin picking away at the armour. let go.

 

 

[waveseer]

I let myself fall all the way apart. I work it into my schedule. I take time off work and go somewhere I've never gone before to do something I've never done before. I talk to myself out loud. I volunteer. I call a good friend who will love me through it. I let it hit me all at once feeling the full brunt of it because I'd rather be totally miserable for a shorter period of time than have a lingering malaise for the long term.

[greywolf]

You need to do things that make you feel good about yourself. I give myself rewards every once in awhile when I'm proud of something I've accomplished. Something like going to the bookstore and buying myself a book, and other things like that. Be good to yourself. You are your best friend.

[Capricorn3]

I don't think I'm depressed, I am a happy, positive person.

I totally disagree that you are not depressed. All the things you describe, and say has been ongoing for YEARS, ALL of this screams depression. Please re-read your own words, which I will quote below:

 

everything just feels hopeless? at the end of the day, you're left crying about what you lost.

 

And I look arouond at my apartment, and there is crap everywhere. I haven't done my laundry in months. I haven't properly slept in weeks. And I walked home through the park today so no one on the main street could see me crying behind my sunglasses.

 

I'm pushing away people in my life, and sabotaging potential for real human connection, because I'm so attached to a figment of my past that I just can't let go of...

One week everythign is okay, the next week I'm back to helpless... And it's been going on and on for months. Years, really.

 

If that's not a sign of severe depression, then I don't know what is.

 

I still strongly suggest professional counselling.

[quirky]

I can relate to you OP. For me it was what I'd describe as a loss of innosence. Disillusion and loneliness. I was the proclaimer of love and positivity, finding beauty in every sh*ty corner and above all having faith in life and love. Everyone had always told me I was a breath of fresh air. After the breakup that faith slowly went and my whole belief system gradually crashed.."is this how things really are?" I had envisioned such an idealistic world in my head that I just didn't know what was real any more, what to believe in, how to love.. Something had felt so like home that I didn't know where to go after that. I didn't want to go anywhere else. It felt like joy or professional success wasn't worth it if I didn't share it with him because we had dreamed it all together. I started noticing and being affected by things that never truly touched me before. Cynicism and a mentality of everything being disposable. Like you I felt deep sorrow but not depressed or at least I didn't wanna see it like that. There came a day where I didn't feel like living, didn't wanna go on. And then I turned a big corner.

 

I realised that all I had is this moment, the past is behind and the future is uncertain. That whether I understand it or not this is how it is today. That I am my own person and I have a life in my hands. If my ex didn't exist..what would I be thinking? What would I be doing? what goals would I be setting? I went and bought some stuff to decorate my room. I joined a social group from link removed, I went shopping, tried to meet people to help me with my career..I stopped yearning for guarantees. Whilst doing all that I was crying because I couldn't share them with my ex. But this was the fact on that day. I was by myself now and I had to make my own home. There is a constant motion of life along the universe, the plants, the stars..and I am part of that motion. I'm not gonna stop, life doesn't wait. Along with the breakup I had also moved countries so that sense of home was completely ambiguous to me. Living in the present is what my secret became. The faith has slowly come back. Something has changed but I refuse to become cynical and dead inside. I consider myself a fighter and you are too veralyn. Another secret as you say it is a sense of purpose I've always had but lost during that time. That this world needs me for something.

 

 

ps-I often found I related to articles regarding grief more than the breakup articles

[Hermes]

Have a look at this site:

 

link removed

 

 

 

Could I add that you will find clearing your space, making your surroundings pleasant again, will giveyou a big boost.

 

All the best

Hermes

[red_sky_girl]

Have a look at this site:

 

link removed

 

 

 

Could I add that you will find clearing your space, making your surroundings pleasant again, will giveyou a big boost.

 

All the best

Hermes

 

i really enjoyed this ....thank you...im not as sad as the person who has posted this thread is..but ive been not ok too...all this long perioud...thanks again...it is just that sometimes we 'close' our eyes and stay stuck in our heads and thoguths....without realizing that we are izolating ourselves and that there is a beautiful life out there..such as u say, a smell or a flower..i do believe that small things are so important ...

[stella74]

how do you get back to your happy place? They say that you don't find happiness, you take it with you......... But how do you do that? I want to be that kind of person.

 

It helps to realize we can never be happy all the time. There is no such thing as perfect happiness. But we can be content and at peace with ourselves. For me, it helps to do things that soothe and ground myself. I love to take long walks in nature or write in my journal or cook meals. Think what it is that brings you joy and do those things. You may be grieving the parts of yourself that you are outgrowing, but they're always within you. You may need to rediscover yourself.

 

I agree with the others that if this has been going on for years, you would benefit from counseling. Even if you don't think you're severely depressed, you might need help moving through your grief.