Boyfriend of Two years says too soon to be thinking about marriage

[camerainaction]

My boyfriend and I have dated for almost two years. The second year i moved in with him. We love each other and we have often talked about what kind of houses we like. We have never talked about marriage before but he often joked with his friends that marriage and kids are the roots of all evils. One time I said I was sad that he felt that way about marriage, to which he explained very quickly that he is not wasting my time (not sure what it means completely but i took it as a good sign) Today I finally approached the big M subject with him. I wanted to get his perspective on the timing and etc. He seemed really paranoid when i brought it up. The first thing he said was well i dont have a milestone. i cant give you a estimate like that. Besides isnt it too soon to be talking about this? Normal people dont talk about this at 2 years. He then said I think we are on schedule arent we? Is this not what normal people's schedule is?

 

At that point I tell him we are not teeny boppers anymore (not even close. Both of us have been out of college for more than four years. I am 25 going on 26 and hes 26), its alright to be discussing these. He still seemed really puzzled at why i even brought it up. And then he said he is not comfortable with me "forcing" him to give me a date. I had to reexplain myself and said i just wanted some sort of indication that we were going in the same direction and that this is not going to turn into one of those stories i hear of people living together for 5 years before the man is finally sure. To that he just said of course its the next step, we've dated and moved in and marriage is the next logical step.

 

I am un-nerved and actually devastated by our short uncomfortable conversation. I guess I always thought it wasnt going to be a smooth journey but we truly enjoy each other and have alot in common. All of our friends are married and some are talking about babies. I am ready for the next level of commitment but apparently to him it's still too soon

 

To make things more complicated, I'm from a culture where cohabitation is really frowned upon. My parents don't live near me and they are very worried about me spending my best years waiting for a commitment that my boyfriend is unable to give. I know that my life is not my parents but i feel the same worry as them. If i have to start over i would rather do it now than three years down the road when i become more attached and more devastated with his indecisiveness. The other factor is i am working in the US on a visa that is going to expire in three years. At which point i must go back to a home country that i have left since i was little (such a long story unless i get married before then and obtain a green card. I would NEVER marry for green card but it would be nice if i can find someone who i love madly who will also marry me before my time runs out.

 

So sorry for the rant! I'm really sad. I thought i had found the one but the one may not be my one after all in the end.

[Sn0man]

Don't rush to get married, it just means you'll get divorced sooner.

 

You're super young. At 31, i'm still not even close to being ready to get married, nor to think about it. People who rush into marriage, especially those who marry at an early age (20's) are far more likely to go through divorce as you're still discovering who you are.

 

You're a kid, stop trying to grow up too fast.

[MinziGirl]

I once used to be fixated on marriage too. I thought that it was normal to be married after 2 years. Even my religion taught me that it is better to be married than to burn in passion.

 

Today, my perspective is changed. After seeing a lot in life, i concluded that what human beings would like at the end of the day is to have someone whom (s)he can trust & confide in - someone who is close to heart and treasures him/her. This should be the main focus point... If there is a marriage with such a person, good! If not, life still goes on & be happy that someone would be holding your hands during thick & thin, regardless of being married... or not!

 

So don't rush into marriage. Enjoy the time with your boyfriend & enjoy every single moment you have with him him.

 

Good luck (and i do hope you both will stay happy & that he will marry you eventually)

[Capricorn3]

Today, my perspective is changed. After seeing a lot in life, i concluded that what human beings would like at the end of the day is to have someone whom (s)he can trust & confide in - someone who is close to heart and treasures him/her. This should be the main focus point... If there is a marriage with such a person, good! If not, life still goes on & be happy that someone would be holding your hands during thick & thin, regardless of being married... or not!

 

So don't rush into marriage. Enjoy the time with your boyfriend & enjoy every single moment you have with him him.

 

Good luck (and i do hope you both will stay happy & that he will marry you eventually)

I love this post and agree with it.

 

OP: I can understand why you feel the way you do, and after 2 years he should more or less know what he wants from the relationship - but, at this point in time, he's just not quite ready for that BIG step, marriage. It is better not to get married when he's not 100% sure, as it will only cause resentment and eventual divorce.

 

I say enjoy what you have with him now as you are both still young enough. I'm sure given a couple more years and the timing will be right. Good luck.

[waveseer]

Maybe you can reach a compromise. An example would be that he wants to wait 3 more years and you want to wait 1 more year so you reach an agreement to wait 2 more years.

[Sn0man]

I don't understand why there has to be a time limit. You're together now, you'd still be together after you got married. What's the big deal ... just anxious for the 1 day party?

 

It's just a piece of paper. And a lot of un-necessary expense.

 

You females are too hung up on marriage IMO

[waveseer]

I don't understand why there has to be a time limit. You're together now, you'd still be together after you got married. What's the big deal ... just anxious for the 1 day party?

 

It's just a piece of paper. And a lot of un-necessary expense.

 

You females are too hung up on marriage IMO

 

Sometimes women just want to know if they are wasting their time or not. Building relationships takes time and effort and starting over when the baby years are approaching can be seen as a daunting task.

[Sn0man]

Sometimes women just want to know if they are wasting their time or not. Building relationships takes time and effort and starting over when the baby years are approaching can be seen as a daunting task.

I didn't realize that women were unable to become pregnant before signing a document. Odd.

 

And since when is a relationship a waste of time? It HAS to lead to marriage?

 

******

 

Let's examine what it means to be married:

 

You have a party.

 

You sign a piece of paper.

 

******

 

Well, that seems to be it. Other than that, it's still the same relationship. Signing that document doesn't really change anything. So I reiterate - how is a relationship a waste of time?

[misssmithviii]

I can understand what's most unnerving for you is his initial reaction and how short and almost unfinished the conversation was. I bet that if he was more thorough or well-thought-out with whatever he had said it would've gone over better, I'm sure.

And I can also understand your wonder of whether or not he's even the marrying type (since he has made previous diminishing remarks towards it) and that is quite disconcerting.

 

I do agree with the previous posts here (especially about not marrying him nor pushing him towards it until he's 100% sure or else that will lead to resentment and eventually divorce) and I think what you should take out of this is he did say marriage is the next logical step - he's acknowledging that he does feel marriage is plausible in the future for you two.

I'm sure he also doesn't want to spoil the surprise by just saying "Yes! Let's marry... someday!" Because that would just sound weird and you'd be constantly expecting it. So it's actually very natural for him to want to keep it short (even though it did come off a bit awkward).

 

No stress In short I think it's a good sign that he's open-minded about it. If you do want to talk to him about it more, I don't see a problem with that. Perhaps wait a bit though.

[misssmithviii]

I don't understand why there has to be a time limit. You're together now, you'd still be together after you got married. What's the big deal ... just anxious for the 1 day party?

 

It's just a piece of paper. And a lot of un-necessary expense.

 

You females are too hung up on marriage IMO

 

Perhaps a little insight on behalf of the females that may be deemed "too hung up on marriage"...

 

It's a matter of commitment. When she wants to get married it's not "oh babe I need a piece of paper! I need that legal document now!!!" hehe it's more of knowing he is willing to make the commitment to be bound to her, nothing more or less than the relationship prior to marriage - but marriage to a woman who desires it, is like a man shouting he loves her from the rooftops.

My question is if it's not such a difference nor that big of a deal, why do many men oppose the thought so much?

 

At least that's how I've always looked at it

[waveseer]

I didn't realize that women were unable to become pregnant before signing a document. Odd.

 

And since when is a relationship a waste of time? It HAS to lead to marriage?

 

******

 

Let's examine what it means to be married:

 

You have a party.

 

You sign a piece of paper.

 

******

 

Well, that seems to be it. Other than that, it's still the same relationship. Signing that document doesn't really change anything. So I reiterate - how is a relationship a waste of time?

 

In many cultures there is still a stigma against unmarried couples who start families. The matrimonial rite of passage carries with it a public announcement of the commitment to cooperate. Without the promise being witnessed then there is no reason for either person to be off limits to others (traditionally).

 

So, to answer your question directly, a relationship is a waste of time if the two people involved have goals that conflict with each others.

[misssmithviii]

As waveseer so perfectly put it: "So, to answer your question directly, a relationship is a waste of time if the two people involved have goals that conflict with each others."

 

Exactly. That's most definitely the answer to many relationship problems and you got it. It only becomes a problem when expectations are conflicting (in fact I was just discussing this with my man who's right next to me).

[thejigsup]

I'm female and I have never really desired marriage. I got married, once. I have my son who is the only good thing that came out of that form of legal bondage. I found marriage very restricting. I'm a very independent woman who has been with the same man for many, many, years. We have many friends and relatives who have married and divorced since then, some of them multiple times. Now, I have to ask you, just who has the REAL committed relationship here?

[Sn0man]

In many cultures there is still a stigma against unmarried couples who start families. The matrimonial rite of passage carries with it a public announcement of the commitment to cooperate. Without the promise being witnessed then there is no reason for either person to be off limits to others (traditionally).

 

So, to answer your question directly, a relationship is a waste of time if the two people involved have goals that conflict with each others.

I was hoping your response would leave room for argument. However, in your usual eloquent manner, you seem to have answered a question in a mere few words that I could have argued for days on end.

 

Good to see you again waveseer

[Speranza]

I read your conversation as him saying, "Sure, I'm heading towatrds marriage, but not now."

 

I can't see why you need a date. You love each other and enjoy each other's company, marriahe sounds as though for you it's about other people. Perhaps for your boyfriend it's about the two of you - and he's happy now. Not in a 'I have my cake and eat it' kind of way, but 'This is heading where it's heading - no need to rush something good' way.

 

I read that men and women hear entirely different words when discussing commitment. You are asking if he is committed to you and will stay with you for ever.

 

He is hearing, "Can we have babies, a bigger house, cars, holidays???"

 

I think he did really well not to run! lol You two sound as though you are in a good place, trust that it will continue and don't panic. He DID answer your question positively didn't he? So why do you need a date?

[annie24]

To that he just said of course its the next step, we've dated and moved in and marriage is the next logical step.

 

to me, it is not the next logical step. i think you should get married if there is the committment to having a life together, wanting to be together for the next 60 or 70 years, etc... to me, it's not like we have been living together for x years, so now we should get married.

 

Sn0man has some good points. But i don't fully agree. I agree that in some ways, marriage is just a piece of paper, and the love and the committment isn't going to change because of the marriage. Many men aren't ready to get married until their later 20s, and after their friends have started getting married. Have his friends started getting married yet?

 

However, you DO have a real time constraint - the Visa issue! Does he know that if you guys don't get married within the next 3 years, you will have to leave the US for good? Do you want to stay in the US? your other option is to break up, and start dating other men, and perhaps that may lead to marriage.

 

PS - i don't think 2 years is too soon to know if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone.

[annie24]

I can't see why you need a date.

 

She has to leave the country in 3 years if she doesn't marry.

[camerainaction]

I read all the posts. Thank you for all your perspectives. Just a few years back I was dating a wonderful guy who was head over heels for me. He made it very clear early on that he wanted a life with me, a marriage, picket fences, a backyard with tire swing, a kid or two. At the time all that seemed very....bleh to me. Why must I be happy with these things? So we dated for 4.5 years, until one day I realized how as good as he treated me, I did not feel the same. I wanted the same things, just not with him. We broke it off and to this day I feel guilty that I have misled him and strung him along. Fast forward three years I know what I want now. I want the lifetime commitment with my bf. I am not tempted by all the other eligible bachelors out there. But I am afraid that he is like I was three years ago, unwilling to be totally honest with himself in deciding where the relationship is headed.

 

I think I understand the different perspectives of marriage between men and women. But along the lines of what Annie said, I feel like my visa issue is making this conflict alot more urgent than I ever wanted it to be. I never wanted this issue to come between me and someone I love yet this is the reality of my situation. If I were to stay for two more years only to find out that he doesn't want to marry me, I have no option but to return to my home country, one that is very much an alien world to me. But if I gave up on this nebulous relationship now I may have a bigger chance of finding someone who is also looking to marry. My visa status also makes it very inconvenient for me to travel. My bf does significant international travel every year and I feel like I get left out on sharing all these new experiences with him. He knows all these limitations that I face but I am sure he does not want them to come between us and his decision to move onto the next step.

 

Ugh....this has completely killed my mood for the weekend.

[annie24]

i have a question - if you don't marry, is there any other way you can stay in the country?

[camerainaction]

i have a question - if you don't marry, is there any other way you can stay in the country?

 

Hi Annie,

The short answer is no. The long answer is I do have one option, which is to find an employer who will "sponsor" me to get a green card, which doesn't sound like it should be difficult considering I have an advanced degree, work in a specialized industry, and have fortune 500 work experiences. Unfortunately the immigration law is not friendly towards these applications. Very few companies in the US bother to do this for their non-US citizen employees anymore considering how easy it would be to replace us with people who don't need "sponsorship". In addition, even if an employer is willing to go through this process on my behalf, I need to stay with the same company for 6 years or longer. If I leave before then I go back to zero.....in short, I feel like this process is just as much of a struggle as my desire to date to marriage. And it is def worse that the two of them are coinciding now...

[Speranza]

And have you discussed the visa thing with him? To explain your anxiety? (Sorry, I hadn't picked up on that at all).

 

If he IS aware, then refusing to set a date takes on a new significance I'm afraid...

[camerainaction]

And have you discussed the visa thing with him? To explain your anxiety? (Sorry, I hadn't picked up on that at all).

 

If he IS aware, then refusing to set a date takes on a new significance I'm afraid...

 

He is definitely aware of it. We have not discussed it in details in regards to how it affects our relationship because I don't want to make him feel like I have a huge exterior motive. But when i finally decided to leave the job that i hated last year i experienced significant troubles finding another employer who will accept me due to my citizenship issues and he had seen me through my lowest days from it. But honestly unless this is something that you personally deal with, it will not seem like a big deal.

[greywolf]

I didn't realize that women were unable to become pregnant before signing a document. Odd.

 

And since when is a relationship a waste of time? It HAS to lead to marriage?

 

******

 

Let's examine what it means to be married:

 

You have a party.

 

You sign a piece of paper.

 

******

 

Well, that seems to be it. Other than that, it's still the same relationship. Signing that document doesn't really change anything. So I reiterate - how is a relationship a waste of time?

 

I think most people would want to have a child within marriage. Secondly, marriage is much more than signing a piece of paper.

[MinziGirl]

I don't understand why there has to be a time limit. You're together now, you'd still be together after you got married. What's the big deal ... just anxious for the 1 day party?

 

It's just a piece of paper. And a lot of un-necessary expense.

 

You females are too hung up on marriage IMO

 

NO. Females are NOT hung up on marriage. They just want an 'assurance' from the guy because too many guys run off with another woman because she is more 'fresh' than the old one.

 

It is a piece of paper which guarantees that a guy will think twice before fooling around with another because if he is caught, his pockets will be burned!

[MinziGirl]

She has to leave the country in 3 years if she doesn't marry.

 

Oh-Oh. A lot of guys are very careful in marrying foreign women if she doesn't have the documents already to stay in the country on her own merits. That is because a lot of foreign women divorce their husbands after they have received their US or European passports. Also, a foreign passport is a big show-off at home for those who are unable to accquire that status.

 

The ex-wife of someone whom i know did exactly that. She withdrew half of all his assets 1 day after receiving her citizenship & in this letter, she said to him that she had NEVER loved him & his C*** was smaller than that of a male chicken's.

 

So i can't blame the guy for being careful. Many guys would be also careful after knowing of such horror stories happening to other guys. Which guy wants his hard-earned savings taken away within 24 hours after the woman has received citizenship?