Does anybody get heat from friends for being single?

[bebeblondie]

Let me just start by saying I have 2 wonderful best friends that are sisters and I've known them since I was 10 years old, I am now 28 and they are like my adopted family. That being said, they are both married and one of them has two kids. We used to all go out every weekend or at least hang out in each others houses, when one of them gave birth to her first child obviously she wasn't goin out as much, understandably. However me and the other sister were always together, I'd go out with her, her husband and his friends (most of whom were single).

 

About a couple of years ago this stopped, my friends decided they wanted to start going out with couples only, so being that I was and still am single I slowly but surely started being excluded from things. That was fine with me, I do have some single friends and would go out with them occasionaly on the weekends.

 

However I have found that whenever my friends come from a dinner date with other couples (they always go out in groups) they act as though they're irritated with me, sometimes even making me feel as though being friends with me is like a burden on them (even thought I barely ever go out with them now). One of my friends always says to me "you could come if you'd get a boyfriend, or at least a date" even though I've never expressed wanting to join them. They always seem to push me to just date anyone so that I can go out with them on these dinner dates. I'm starting to think the reason I feel so down about not having someone, is because I have them treating me as though I'm not good enough because I dont have a significant other. Futhermore at the moment I am not looking to find anyone because I am unemployed, I would like to first get a job before I start dating anyone therefore I haven't been actively looking for a relationship or even a date. When I tell them this, they laugh and tell me that's ridiculous, that maybe so but nonetheless that's how I feel.

 

To sum it up, they think I'm picky or that I can't get a date meanwhile the truth is I'm not looking at the moment and I'm not really putting myself out there because at this present time I do not want to be dating anyone.

 

Just wondering if anybody else have friends who make them feel this way?

[Salicia]

No, moreso from my extended family than my friends but I understand where you are coming from.

[orchidrose]

Wow, that's terrible. I can't believe your friends would belittle you like that. So what, they want you to date someone who you don't like or doesn't fulfill your needs, just so they don't have to feel uncomfortable with the fact that you're single? Ugh.

 

In response to your question, no, I don't. I've been hanging out a lot with two other couples lately - they were really good friends with my ex, so we all used to hang out as couples when I was still dating him. But they've been really great about continuing to hang out with me now, and if anything, I feel kind of uncomfortable with it if only because it can get kind of lonely being the fifth wheel.

[Go Habs Go]

I've gotten it from family, not friends. I'm not sure I'd want to date anyway, but they obviously aren't true friends if they're putting you down like that.

[easyguy]

No, I do not get heat from friends. I don't get heat from family, but I do get encouragement to date. I've been in a relationship before, am recently single, and a girl at school is falling for me.

[Seymore]

I was at a wedding for a co-worker a few years back and I remember my boss (who's around my age) asking why I was single, then saying it was because I was picky. Comments like that irk me to no end, because people will just write you off like they have the answer and not even consider that maybe I've been in plenty of crap relationships and I SHOULD be more picky.

 

Another friend of mine will just ignore me when she throws a party and all of her friends (who are married) get all the attention. I felt so small at her parties that I just eventually quit going and quit talking to her.

 

And as far as family goes, my mother has mentioned grandchildren twice in the last two days and told me that me being single is her punishment (karma) for moving to the U.S. to marry my dad - like somehow every single woman in the U.S. is horrible, and she says that I should bring a girl back from Europe.

 

So nah, no heat at all I really do have bad luck, however - I'm usually left scratching my head or finding out that the girl I'm interested in is spoken for.

 

On the other end, I do give my best friend crap for being in a relationship, only because his relationship is so bizarre that I don't understand why he's even with her.

[Jpo]

My guy friends hate when I'm in a relationship, because I can't party as much or go pickin' up chicks with them.

[bebeblondie]

The picky thing bothers me to no end as well! I always feel like saying "hell yea I'm picky, why shouldn't I be?" and by that I mean I look for a guy who is a good person, educated and intelligent. I am not physically picky my only requirement in the looks department is that I be somewhat attracted to the guy.

 

And I sometimes feel like saying "I'm 28 not 58!" I mean it's not like I'm some freak because I've never been married and dont have a boyfriend at the time. Just today my friend was talking about one of the couples on their dinner date last night, in which the guy is a bit strange and everyone was wondering what his girlfriend is doing with him. My friend yelled out "what choice does the girl have she's 29, who else is going to want her!" it's like are you kidding me? This isn't 1910!

 

As for my family they've made comments here and there but nothing major. But I do remember one night watching "Sex in the City" a show about women in their 30's who are single and proud of it, and my mom said to me "I hope you know that's not the real world, it's not that cool to be single in your 30's" I had to laugh at that!

[bebeblondie]

My guy friends hate when I'm in a relationship, because I can't party as much or go pickin' up chicks with them.

 

I think it's a bit different for guys, nobody will even think of making a comment to a guy my age who is single.

[lady00]

I can't say I've ever experienced anything like that. Just doesn't seem like something a true friend would do. I'd have a serious sit-down talk with them about this. You need to draw boundaries.

[newwave]

I don't really get it from my friends, but from my family. Most of my relatives have written me off as the "spinster" and it saddens me because I really eventually want to marry. However on the other hand I don't have to worry about divorce.

[afrodite79]

It's time for some new friends. Real friends don't ditch you or treat you like crap because they're in a relationship and you aren't.

 

I understand what it feels like to be around people who exclude you or feel sorry for you for being single. My old roommates used to make comments about how I needed to get a BF. They thought it was so sad that I was single. Then at my old job some girls I worked with and commuted with would talk about their BFs all the time. They were so smug it was disgusting. The people at work were all either married or in relationships so they'd ask me why I was single all the time and it made me feel like crap.

 

I still get the "why are you still single?" question a lot. I think people think that you're supposed to just get with anyone who'll have you to escape the horror that is singleness. Some people would rather see someone in a bad relationship than single. I'm really glad that my family doesn't care if I have a BF or not. Pressure from family is the worst.

[BriarRose]

No, i've never been treated like that by friends. However, I tend to lose touch with friends who are in relationships. I have learned that couples seem to prefer doing things with other couples, or so it seems.

[givinggirl]

I have never had friends do this. I also don't think they are treating you well. To tell you that you can hang out with them when you have a date is awful. I mean, they are friends with you, not your date, so they should want to hang out with you, for you. They should accept you as you are at any moment.

 

My family is where I get the heat. My dad tells me I need to go to church, bowling, library, bookstores to find a boyfriend. "You're not getting any younger!" I hate that. Does he really think I don't know my age?! My mom is on the prowl for me, which is annoying as well. My mom asked me a couple years ago, if you don't find a good man to marry, will you look into alternate means to have a baby? I was like, what the hell kind of question is that?

 

I understand when you said that you feel like you aren't good enough unless you have a boyfriend. That is how I feel about my parents. They treat me different when I have a boyfriend. I should be treated and thought of the same way whether I am single or attached. I am the same person and I am still their daughter either way. Just accept me for me.

[Batya33]

I think it's funny that you also draw the line - that if you were 58 and never married you would be some sort of "freak" (just by virtue of age and marital status) and it would be fair for your friends to make rude comments. So, understand that you also have your judgments about single people (I was single until I was 42, no offense taken, lol). Maybe that will help you relate more to your friends' attitude.

 

Having said that, I think you're better off without these particular friends and I think it's sad that they only go out in groups with couples - don't you find that it's hard to have meaningful conversations in large groups, especially where the people aren't all close with each other (which is usually the case with couples, I'm guessing it's the same here). They sound like the worst part of "smug married" people. What I would do is make one more attempt to invite one of the women out for lunch or dinner during the week one on one so you can keep up a friendship that way.

 

Obviously your decision to date, look for dates, or not, is totally up to you --I found it easier to meet suitable men when I was in my mid 30s and over -- but I think that was because I lived in a major city teeming with singles, a choice I made when I was your age, to pay more rent so that I could live closer to work and where the "singles action" was. MIght be something for you to consider once you find a job you like.

 

Good luck.

[Seymore]

What I REALLY don't get is how sometimes in the VERY SAME CONVERSATION, one of your friends in a relationship (marriage, even) will complain about their SO or the relationship as a whole and then question why you're not in a relationship.

 

Is it some kind of race or something? I simply cannot comprehend the mentality of "I'm X years old...I need to get married now!"

 

Maybe that's why the divorce rate is so high. People rushing into things because of outside influences, passive or active.

[Hermes]

Me neither. And it is good to be picky, and to wait until you are a) very sure of the person you meet, and b) very sure if the person is suitable for marrying. Far too many people get entangled in bad marriages or relationships.

 

I feel however, that you would be better to socialize with other single people, rather than the married friends. Their world is now different.

 

All the best

Hermes

[Batya33]

When I was single I socialized with married, single, involved, divorced, kids, no kids - I didn't want to base my decisions on marital status and I am so glad I didn't. Having friends in all different types of situations broadened my perspective and helped me make better choices in lots of things - career, relationships, parenting, etc.

 

A few of my single friends dropped me when I got pregnant/married - we didn't have a falling out or anything, I talked very little with them about my life changes, preferring instead to be the same as always and mostly, a good listener, so I can only assume that they decided that given my life changes I wasn't going to have enough in common with them anymore. That seemed unfair to me, just like it seemed unfair when I was single and certain married friends faded out. There always will be rude people, single or married so I wouldn't focus on the marital status as a reason for or excuse for this kind of behavior.

[prettymommy]

I don't get it from friends or family, but I do hear it from random people; "Wow! You've got such a great personality and are such a catch PM! I don't understand why you are single?"

 

Ummmmmm..... cause I choose to be. My life is full and dating seems like more of a hassle and hinderence at this point. But people have this idea that you're not truly "fulfilled" unless you are "sharing" your life with someone, and apparently that does not include family and friends and co-workers. I understand that view point well enough; you get fed these fantasies as a kid that you're going to grow up and get married and then life is all roses and fabulous. It's just that life doesn't work out that way, but for some reason, most people still want to hang onto that fantasy.

 

At any rate, I hate it. It's like people think there must be something seriously wrong with me b/c I'm still single and someone hasn't "snatched" me up yet. As if I am a possession to be had....

 

Sigh.

[Seymore]

Oh, and how about the friends/family who couldn't care less if you were single when THEY were single, but once they've got someone, they keep telling you "Hey, I know this person you really have to meet" and badger you to find someone...ooh, that ticks me off.

[givinggirl]

Is it some kind of race or something? I simply cannot comprehend the mentality of "I'm X years old...I need to get married now!"

 

I know for me, I want to have kids and women do have time lines in that regard they have to worry about. That being said, I'm also not going to have kids with any guy, it has to be the right guy. If I don't find him, then I won't have kids, which makes me sad. So, I want to find the guy for me with enough time left to date a bit before needing to really worry about the time line for having kids.

 

Plus, I want to be able to enjoy that man and our relationship for as long as I can. I want to have that intimacy, so I would rather it come by sooner than later. I'm not settling and I have become pretty picky over the years based on my past experiences.

[Clarity]

I think women may be different in their friendship dynamics than men.

 

Most of my guy friends are in relationships, many are engaged, some are married, but they are all still friendly and make time to hang out.

 

Real friends are supportive, no matter what.

[Seymore]

I think women may be different in their friendship dynamics than men.

 

Most of my guy friends are in relationships, many are engaged, some are married, but they are all still friendly and make time to hang out.

 

Real friends are supportive, no matter what.

 

I definitely think that it depends whether we're talking about a male with a female friend, female with a male friend, or same-sex friends. Any married male friends I've had still hung out with me on a regular basis. Once my female friend got married and had kids, she never had time for me, but always seemed to have time for her friends who were married and had kids. In that case, being supportive no matter what was not really an option anymore, as it goes both ways and I refuse to be her "pal" only when she has problems.

[givinggirl]

I definitely think that it depends whether we're talking about a male with a female friend, female with a male friend, or same-sex friends. Any married male friends I've had still hung out with me on a regular basis. Once my female friend got married and had kids, she never had time for me, but always seemed to have time for her friends who were married and had kids. In that case, being supportive no matter what was not really an option anymore, as it goes both ways.

 

Totally agree. Many women no longer have time when they become mom's. I've also noticed that they become very unreliable as friends. When I've been in those situations, I am usually the one making all the effort and they are always canceling on me. I understand if something comes up and that they have kids to worry about, but it seems to happen more than not. The husbands are always out with their friends though, so it seems a bit unfair to me. Also, they stop picking up the phone. It is a two way street.

[Batya33]

Totally agree. Many women no longer have time when they become mom's. I've also noticed that they become very unreliable as friends. When I've been in those situations, I am usually the one making all the effort and they are always canceling on me. I understand if something comes up and that they have kids to worry about, but it seems to happen more than not. The husbands are always out with their friends though, so it seems a bit unfair to me. Also, they stop picking up the phone. It is a two way street.

 

I have less time than I did before I was a mom -- at the time my friends are available (at night) but more time during the day, when my single friends often are not available. I am still very reliable but in order to keep that up I make fewer social plans and I am very careful to explain that I might need to cancel if there's a child related issue. iI've never had to cancel. Maybe try to make plans when it's more convenient for them and then see if they can reciprocate?

 

My husband rarely goes out with his friends without me. So I promise, there are exceptions. And, as far as being a good friend which is what the OP is concerned about, I don't think being married or a parent gives anyone the right to be judgmental or rude about someone's single status - that has nothing to do with whether there is time to invest in friendships.