My g/f is my mother!!!

[shuttlefish]

Not literally - this is NOT a Gerry Springer thing (lol) But I'm feeling smothered and bossed around.

I'm not sure how she thinks I survived life before I met her but you know, somehow I did. This is driving me crazy!!!

 

She has, at times, told me to "make my bed", "eat more", "phone my (real) mother more often" and "shave".

The defining moment was this morning as I left for work, she actually told me "don't forget your gloves".

 

I thought it was kinda cute when we first got together but now, I'm being driven crazy by it.

 

Do you think an ultimatum would work, or is this just a part of her personality that will not change.? I'm not so invested emotional in this relationship that I'm unable to walk away from it. (It's only been a few months or so together).

 

Interestingly enough, she told me that every single one of her relationships ended with her getting dumped. I was surprised at first to hear this since she seems like she's "all that and a bag of chips" upon first meeting her, but now....I'm starting to figure out why.

 

Yikes.

[hexaemeron]

An ultimatum won't work and this is likely why she's been every time. You'll either have to accept it, or get thee to the cannery.

[anggrace]

Before an ultimatum, try talking to her about it. Let her know it bothers you before you get any more annoyed. Unless you already have talked to her. I think everyone deserves a chance to change or grow as a person before they are just written off. If nothing changes after the talk, Id then consider leaving her. You just can't live like that... obviously. How annoying.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Have you talked to her about it?

 

I agree that this isn't okay. No one wants to date their mother. She being far too bossy and controlling...and rather insulting to your maturity.

[WickedSunrise]

I think that if it bothers you it's something you should sit down and talk about. You don't need to give her an ultimatum if you haven't discussed it yet. But just tell her that these comments are making you feel smothered and bossed around, that you know how to take care of yourself, and that you need her to stop or tone it down.

 

I've done things like that with my boyfriend... not telling him to make his bed and to eat less... but I'll remind him not to forget something when he's leaving. Worst case scenario he already has it and the comment doesn't matter - he doesn't seem to care. Though he actually was visiting me this weekend and walked out the door without his winter coat... but that was more that we were having a rough weekend and his mind was elsewhere, and I clearly saw he wasn't wearing his coat. I'll also remind him that he needs to do his laundry. It's not me nagging him to do his laundry, it's more like he told me he wanted to do his laundry on "x afternoon" and then I remember and say something because he had said he wanted to do it.

 

But anyways, bottom line I think you should talk to her about it. If it's making you upset you may as well talk to her and try to fix it before you dump her because of it. Right? This is something that should be able to be easily solved.

[shuttlefish]

It's weird too - she is super needy and clingy as well. Kinda drives me crazy. The weird part is that before we got together, I knew her for a while and one of the reasons I started to like her was she appeared to be so strong and independent and individual.

 

Love does strange things to women I guess

 

however, my patience is running out.

[Day_Walker]

I dont think that an ultimatum will work. I think it is very common for women to give these kind of suggestions. As long as they stay suggestions then she isnt acting motherly. I think that you have to focus on her commanding you to do things. If you want to stay in this relationship then you have to set the boundaries. Personally, I would talk to her about it and see where that goes.

[HeartGoesOn]

How long have you been together? It sounds like you're already living together, unless I mis-read this?

[BellaDonna]

I thought it was kinda cute when we first got together but now, I'm being driven crazy by it.

 

You may have unknowingly reinforced this behavior in the beginning too- and now she thinks you enjoy it.

 

You'll have to have a talk with her so that she knows that you do not enjoy it.

 

She has, at times, told me to "make my bed", "eat more", "phone my (real) mother more often" and "shave".

The defining moment was this morning as I left for work, she actually told me "don't forget your gloves".

 

 

The 2 things I bolded above are more harmful in that list, IMO- while the others are really not a big deal. She really shouldn't be telling you what to do or getting herself involved in the type of relationship that you have with your own mom.

 

I hate to even ask but is she Italian by any chance? The only reason I mention that is that in very traditional Italian families (not ALL) it is very common for men to be treated that way by women (their own mothers, sisters, or women they are dating). She may have watched it growing up.

 

I grew up in a traditional family like that and I have a sister that acts like your GF, only 100 times worse (for example: cut's her BF's steak at dinner). It makes me nausous but some women want to do it, and some men welcome it.

 

If it is driving you crazy, you need to speak up. I can see why it would bother you because even though it is "caring" behavior, it can also be condescending.

[jul-els]

It would seem that's just her personality. If you want to stay with her then you could kindly bring it up but I honestly don't think you can expect too much to come of it. I think the most functional way to handle it if you plan on staying with her would be to see it has her way of being affectionate and let it roll off your back.

[shuttlefish]

Yes Italian!! gosh, it was that easy to figure out?!? She actually did try to put ketchup on my fish sticks once, so that's close to the steak cut up.

To the other poster - no we're not living together. We've only been together about 5 months or something,.

 

I seriously dont think this is going to work out

 

 

At least maybe some ENAers can learn form my life.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Yes Italian!! gosh, it was that easy to figure out?!? She actually did try to put ketchup on my fish sticks once, so that's close to the steak cut up.

To the other poster - no we're not living together. We've only been together about 5 months or something,.

 

I seriously dont think this is going to work out

 

 

At least maybe some ENAers can learn fomr my life.

 

Have you even talked to her about it? Honestly, she could turn her attitude around with a 20 minutes talk.

[shuttlefish]

Have you even talked to her about it? Honestly, she could turn her attitude around with a 20 minutes talk.

 

i will try, however, i have done the "would you quit telling me what to do all the time" retort to no avail.

It's worth a shot but....there's other problems there too.

[BellaDonna]

Yes Italian!! gosh, it was that easy to figure out?!? She actually did try to put ketchup on my fish sticks once, so that's close to the steak cut up.

To the other poster - no we're not living together. We've only been together about 5 months or something,.

 

I seriously dont think this is going to work out

 

 

At least maybe some ENAers can learn form my life.

 

Well there is hope. You can tell her that you've noticed the pattern with her and that you are aware that a lot of it has to do with culture and perhaps her own family dynamics but that you do not feel comfortable with it.

 

Last edited by shuttlefish ; Today at 02:40 PM. Reason: spelling - better fix it in case my g/f sees it and does spell check for me

 

^That is the funniest reason I have EVER seen for a post edit. lol

[KG]

This happened early in my relationship. I told her nicely, but firmly...."I had a Mother, don't need another."

 

She stopped. I don't think she was aware of doing it, or it's effect on me.

[annie24]

lol, here's another vote about talking to her about it before cutting her loose. tell her that it's not turning you on, lol.

 

i agree that she might not even be conscious of what she is doing. in fact, like bella said, she has probably seen this in her own family. perhaps this is what her mother does to her father, and she has just learned from it?

 

i'd just sit down and talk to her in a calm way, that you appreciate her good intentions, but that you don't like these suggestions, as they are more 'motherly' than 'girlfriendy' and you don't want to have sex with your mother. i totally see why this is a turn off.

[_Asti_]

i will try, however, i have done the "would you quit telling me what to do all the time" retort to no avail.

It's worth a shot but....there's other problems there too.

 

And what came of that?

Sounds like just an off hand comment that can be taken just out of frustration. How did you present it? Did you sit down and talk, or just shoot a comment at her when she told you to tie your shoes before leaving the house?

 

You need to sit down and explain to her why you are frustrated and why this doesn't work for you. Be clear and be firm. Tell her she's being a mother, not a partner. You already have one Mother, and don't need another. If she can't accept that, and if she feels that Mothering is part of being in a relationship, or thats the role she wants, then make the choice.

 

I think jumping to an ultamatum without sitting down talking maturely about it, is jumping the gun. And afterall, if this is how she feels and she believes this behaviour is acceptable for herself, then an ultatmatum won't work, she needs to find a partner that wants to be Mothered and taken care of. Plain and simple.

[annie24]

i agree that you need to tell her in a conversation because she may have taken it as an 'upset remark.' definitely tell her how important this is. i agree that if she refuses to change, you may need to make a decision.

[jessica911]

give her a baby, then she might not do any of those on you anymore heheh.

 

well, tell her that you want her to be your GIRLFRIEND not your 2nd MOM.

[eggplant47]

Do you live together? If she has to climb into a tangled bed every night or fend off calls from your jilted mom maybe she's as irritated as you are that these things need to be said. If you're kissing all over her face maybe she does have a vested interest in whether you shave or your face feels like sand paper.

 

And maybe she suggested you take your gloves because people forget things and for some reason she cares about you. Yikes.

[annie24]

They don't live together. they've only been dating for 5 months. now it's possible if the relationship progressed, things would get even worse.

 

what's the worst that can happen if he forgets his gloves on his way to work? not much. he'll be cold and have to keep his hands in his pockets, but it will be ok. (unless he forgets his gloves while skiing, say.) my mother always tells me things like that before i leave the house, and i find it annoying mostly. it's like, i know where i'm going and what i need and don't need. and if i don't have it, i'll manage.

[eggplant47]

They don't live together. they've only been dating for 5 months. now it's possible if the relationship progressed, things would get even worse.

 

what's the worst that can happen if he forgets his gloves on his way to work? not much. he'll be cold and have to keep his hands in his pockets, but it will be ok. (unless he forgets his gloves while skiing, say.) my mother always tells me things like that before i leave the house, and i find it annoying mostly. it's like, i know where i'm going and what i need and don't need. and if i don't have it, i'll manage.

 

You never know! I've known couples that have moved in together after just a couple months! Plus, there's that phase that couples get into where they say they're not living together but one is spending 4 or 5 nights a week over the others house... Something like that couple be uping her urge to "mother".

[sugar_britches]

some women are just plain and simply nurturing by nature. What comes accross as bossiness and controlling behaviour might infact be her idea of taking care of you? Maybe this is how she was brought up by her parents? Motherly, kind reminders to make you feel loved and cared about. She could be on the other end of the scales and not give a damn about you, considering only herself and then i think you would have a problem with it.

 

Sit her down and ask her why she does it and tell her how you feel. Maybe she isnt intending to come accross the way she does and thinks this is her way of showing you devotion and loyalty?

[coolchick64]

^^^ yes, that's what I was thinking. She's probably trying to show you love by doing this. I'm sure if she knew how you were taking it, she'd stop.

 

I think you should talk to her for sure. But try to approach it like you're teaching her what you like, rather than criticizing her or pointing out her personality flaws. There's no right or wrong here. She's not crazy. She's just doing something you don't like.

 

My other thought about issues like this is to keep it in perspective. In any relationship, there'll be things you like and things you don't like. If the things you like are things you like a lot, can you humor her on this a little and let it go? Ask yourself why it's so irritating to you in the first place. Maybe there's room for you to change, too. Lord knows it's easier to change yourself than it is to change someone else.