Am I being psycho girlfriend or doing the right thing?

[kittiwake]

The guy I've been dating the last five months (exclusively the last four) and I have hit a wall. Two weeks ago we had an argument where he sort of "tested" me on my feelings for him by mentioning an old girlfriend was visiting and needed a place to stay. He invited her to stay with him for a week and then admitted he was now concerned about being around her for a week. When I told him how upset this made me (we basically broke up for a couple of days) he was shocked and told the ex to find somewhere else to stay. He reconfirmed his commitment to me and his strong desire to not mess up what we have.

 

But, ever since I've been having doubts. Last night when he told me he was going to a strip club for a bachelor's party I got really upset again. He didn't understand why I was upset. I realized that my discomfort with the strip club was just a symptom of the overall issue. I question his long-term interest in me. I told him I thought we should just break up. He got really really upset. So, we talked it out some more. He said he thought we were "back on track" from the two weeks ago issue and I told him I didn't think we were. Then I told him I didn't think we were on the same "track" at all.

 

I'm almost 31 and he's 34. I told him I didn't want to be with someone who doesn't think they could one day marry me. I realize talking about marriage five months into a relationship is psycho girlfriend behavior, but I tried explaining to him that I didn't mean I wanted us to make that kind of commitment to each other right now. I just wanted to know if he could see our relationship EVER going there. He couldn't give me that answer. He said right now he really cares for me and just wants the companionship.

 

I don't think that's good enough for me. Am I doing the right thing or acting psycho? I'm very attached to this person. I do have a strong desire to make things work with him, but I don't want to get more emotionally attached to him than I already him if he already knows in his mind we aren't going to last.

 

Should I keep seeing him or let him go and look for someone else? Did I ask the "marriage track" question too early?

[Mauxly]

I'm not sure on the marriage thing. Maybe you stated it wrong. I think it is important to find out how our significant others feel about marriage and family (overall) prior to investing too much time in them. I probably would have brought up the subject a vague way, a conversational tone, like: "My brother/friend/co-worker thinks marriage is an outdated draconian practice. I'm not so sure, how do you feel about it?"

 

Getting his views on marriage in general is not a bad idea. Getting his views on marriage to YOU within the first year...kind of scary.

 

So far as being freaked out by the exgirlfriend staying over? You are totally reasonable on that front and it sounds like he handled it like a prince.

 

Being freaked out by a bachelor party at a strip club? Yeah, you could call it psycho girlfriend, or you could call it abandonment disorder. Are you the jealous type? Does your heart sink when he's around attractive women? Do you not trust him, even though he's never given you reason not to trust him? You may have abandonment issues. Look into your past...

 

There is help for this. I have them, and I'm in cognitive behavioral therapy to get past them. Total life saver!

[FathomFear]

People in very happy in relationships go to stag/stagette parties all the time. I think you were overreacting on that topic.

 

When it comes to the whole "marriage track" issue, I would again agree with you boyfriend that the most logical approach is to work on the relationship while enjoying it. That will set a groundwork for a potential marriage. It's unlikely that either of you know whether the relationship is marriage material at this point, so I don't see why you'd want to force this consideration so early.

[lukeb]

Seems to me you are very quick to say that you'll break up (for a few days), rather than trying to work things out. Makes for a shaky relationship. Time to make up your mind one way or another. You should have an idea of what he is like by now.

[agent1607307371]

If you want marriage and see it as an important part of your future, then you probably asked it about the right time. This is like children, no point in getting all tied up and attached to someone whose long term goals in those situations differ from your own.

[Siriana]

Well.....it all comes down to what a person finds o.k. within a relationship. I personally think you have a right to feel the way you feel, and to call it quits. You two are dating for only 5 months and it's quite obvious you have different ideas about what is acceptable behaviour when in a relationship. You just don't feel secure. Now, it's up to you to decide whether you feel the way you feel because he makes you feel that way or because you're desperate to get married. If his decisions make you second guess a relationship i.e. If you don't like the idea of old gf's spending 7 days with him, and if you don't like the idea of a strip club for a bachelor's party (and yeah, seriously at 34 i think it's kinda stupid way to celebrate getting married - but it's his friend's wedding not his) and it makes you feel that you're not on the right track don't waste your time with the guy.

[DontGetStung]

Bringing up marriage for the first time during an argument was an awful move. His inability to answer is telling, but clouded by the fact that the question was posed during an argument.

[kittiwake]

I'm sure I have some abandonment issues, but I really think the strip club was just a scapegoat. I've heard him speak about marriage before and it doesn't sound good. He wants to get married and really wants kids but he wants to put it off as long as possible. He seems to think that while he wants this in the end, he wants it to be as close to the end as possible! Him saying that around me makes me think he's thinking I'm not the one. He said he has been thinking about marriage lately. He told me something that I thought was incredible stupid. He said he was walking around and saw an advertisement of Liv Tyler and thought, "I could marry her." And then he looked at me like that was a very meaningful thing for him and that I should feel proud of him for having that thought. But, all my female brain could think was, "I'm not Liv Tyler!!"

[Siriana]

He acts stupid for his age according to what you just wrote. o.k. not stupid but it gives signals of him being far away from the idea of marriage.

[girlfriday]

My bf dumped every girl that has asked "where is this relationship going" or 'do you see this leading to marriage one day?" that has said that within months into the relationship. I never knew this until he was the one who brought it up with me....and he said I was the only girl that didn't want to jump to that talk or have that security.

[lavenderdove]

I personally don't think giong to a strip club for a bachelor party is grounds for a breakup (i.e., it's not cheating unless he actually has relations with someone else, rather than just going to a social function like a bachelor party). Yes, some guys cheat at bachelor parties, but mostly it's a bunch of drunk guys oggling women and hooting at them like teenaged boys to impress each other.

 

But, i do think this is a bit of a problem:

 

'He couldn't give me that answer. He said right now he really cares for me and just wants the companionship.'

 

I think after 5 months he owes you a better answer than this. He's saying he's just enoying hanging out with you and is not thinking about anything else. This could be a guy who doesn't want to get married, or one who doesn't want to get serious with you (or maybe anyone). I don't think he needs to make a decision about marrying you or not, but my experience with men who are really into woman, they would say something like, I don't think i'm ready to make that decision yet, but if we continue to get along this well, I might know in in another 6 months, or something like that. They will let you know they are very interested in you, and if things keep developing as well as they are now, they would consider moving forward to engage in another year or so.

 

But if you just get a 'meh' or really neutral answer like the one he gave you, it most likely means that he's just not thinking about you that seriously (at least not yet).

 

And i do think that someone can at any time tell you their views/goals related to marriage (i.e., 'i see myself married in 2 years, or 5 years, or i don't want to get married for 5-10 years, or i'm not sure i ever want to get married).

 

And frankly, i really do believe it is a very good idea to have these kinds of conversations starting around the 6 month mark, especially if you are in your 30s and want to marry in the next 5 years to be able to have kids. You don't want to waste 2 years getting attached to someone who justs likes 'hanging out' in a bf/gf state with no thoughts or desire to get serious anytime soon.

 

I also always ask myself after a few months, is this someone that i can see myself marrying if things continue well in a couple years? And if i get anything less than a really positive answer in my own head, i won't waste more time with the person. He should be able to do the same, see you as a serious contender for marriage, or not. If he can see himself marrying Liv Tyler, he can certainly answer that same question about you!

 

So i don't think you did a psycho thing at all, other than maybe expecting him to already tell you he wants to marry you and confusing a bachelor party issue with a 'how serious are you really' issue. But i think it is reasonable for him to expect to have to tell you his general views on marriage/goals at 5-6 months, and whether he could see you getting serious in the next year or so IF it continues to be as good as it is now.

 

You might want to ask him again, more specific questions about his views on marriage, and whether he thinks you could be a contender or whether he could make a decision on whether he knows you well enough to make that decision in the next year or 18 months. If he answers no to that, then i'd say odds are good he doesn't want to marry, or doesn't want to marry you.

[Rose21]

Any girl in her right mind should freak out about the ex staying over! I mean, is he STUPID??

 

The strip club, you have a right to get upset, but you MAY of over-reacted.

 

I for one wouldn't stand for it in my relationship, if it was a ONE time deal I'd suck it up, but if he was the kind of guy who did it on a regular basis INSTANT deal breaker!

 

Sorry, I'm old fashioned, that kind of behavior is not okay to me.

[annie24]

i think lavender dove said it well. i see nothing wrong with finding out early on what is his stance on marriage and children (because you want to be with someone who eventually wants the same thing as you). if you are 30, you don't have all the time in the world to dilly-dally if you also want to have children as well. it doesn't have to be "can you see yourself marrying me?" but rather "can you see yourself getting married within the next 5 years?" or whatever. you are in your 30s, it makes more sense to straighten these things out sooner rather than later.

[catfeeder]

He checked his behavior and got rid of the potential housemate as a statement of his commitment to your relationship. If you love this guy and want a good relationship with him, I think you risk derailing it with the continued drama. You're now asking him rather prematurely to predict where he's likely to stand with you before he's had enough opportunity to cross that bridge, and by challenging his current feelings as not good enough, you're setting a bar that's unreasonably high for anyone to reach--or to WANT to reach.

 

If you really want this man in your life, I'd pull back on that line of discussion, and I'd make it up to him.