Guys, 'he's just not that into you' - really? is it TRUE?

[DN]

I just can't help being hesitant to do it though -- it has always backfired when I tried it. Maybe I just tried it with the wrong guys.

Of course it has 'backfired' except that is not really an accurate term. Backfired would imply it would have worked had you not asked whereas what really happened is that you were turned down. And that is the thing that so many women who have tried it don't realise: when you ask you get turned down a lot - as most men have found.

 

Do you always say 'yes' when you are asked out? Chances are that you don't. Most women don't - they only say yes if they want to. So the same thing applies to men.

[user83]

yes, my best friend had a crush on some guy. he was chicken * * * * , they would hang out blah blah blah but he ever made a move. she LOVED this guy. 2 months ago its just us 3 at a bar, she gets up to use the bathroom. Ive been reading this guy, and i can pick up hes digging her too.

 

i have a nice 5min talk, blah blah blah how i knowed her forever and she really likes you and i know you like her, but you just gotta have the convidence to man up and make a move( 6 months they were hanging out as friends!!) it was sad, but it was like a father son momment.

 

when she returned, i made it very awkward and kept teasing them of kissing and how they would make a cute couple. he finally got the balls as we were leaving and kissed her. its been 2 months and they are still going out.

 

and i reallyyyyyyyyyy like this girl at work, want to ask her out but i am to scared/shy. it seems like she would, but i just get so nervous i can barely talk to her. even though it honestly seems like she loves talking to me, as she always comes up to me. last weekend she asked me what i was doing that night(she wasnt doing anything).......i almost asked her to hang out then but there was someone else around and i chickened out. haha.

 

is that your question?

[citymouse]

Of course it has 'backfired' except that is not really an accurate term. Backfired would imply it would have worked had you not asked whereas what really happened is that you were turned down. And that is the thing that so many women who have tried it don't realise: when you ask you get turned down a lot - as most men have found.

 

Do you always say 'yes' when you are asked out? Chances are that you don't. Most women don't - they only say yes if they want to. So the same thing applies to men.

 

Well, I wasn't always turned down... but the ones that accepted tended to take me for granted and flake out on me a lot.

 

The flip side of that is that I stood by and allowed myself to be treated that way - and I know that's nobody's problem but my own (or it was my problem --- I don't do that anymore!).

 

I think the whole dynamic was screwed from the beginning because I was more into them than they were into me. This only happened with several guys, I don't mean to imply that I've done this often in life.

 

I think it's much more healthy when two people are equally into each other from the beginning, but sadly things don't always pan out this way.

 

Based on all of my past baggage and cultural conditioning and I feel more comfortable now waiting for a guy to approach me --- I like strong signals of interest in the beginning and then when we get to know each other better, I am there for him 110% and will call him or be supportive or whatever.

 

Reading this thread makes me think I really should be reaching out to my new b/f more though. I need to get more out of my comfort zone. He's made it way clear that he is into me... and when we are together, I definitely let him know how much I care. Big time.... But. I should call him sometimes instead of leaving that all to him. It doesn't seem fair. My insecurities are my problem, not his.

[DN]

With the exception of the cultural conditioniong - something that is rapidly changing in many aspects of daily life - can you see how these exact same things could be said by a man about his dating history?

[citymouse]

With the exception of the cultural conditioniong - something that is rapidly changing in many aspects of daily life - can you see how these exact same things could be said by a man about his dating history?[/QUOTE]

 

Yes, I get that.

 

But, not to discount what you're saying here, because I do hear you -- We all have our crosses to bear. It isn't always easy being on the passive side of the fence either.

There is a special hell that goes with waiting for someone to come to you.

 

I'm not asking for any sympathy. I'm just saying.

[DN]

With the exception of the cultural conditioniong - something that is rapidly changing in many aspects of daily life - can you see how these exact same things could be said by a man about his dating history?[/QUOTE]

 

Yes, I get that.

 

But, not to discount what you're saying here, because I do hear you -- We all have our crosses to bear. It isn't always easy being on the passive side of the fence either.

There is a special hell that goes with waiting for someone to come to you.

 

I'm not asking for any sympathy. I'm just saying.

Well you know what Churchill said about hell - "if you are going through hell - keep going".

[Cognitive_Canine]

Frankly, if you aren't getting what you want (guy won't ask you out because he's too shy or whatever reason or you aren't being asked out at all) you have to change your ways.

[citymouse]

Well you know what Churchill said about hell - "if you are going through hell - keep going".

 

I've always loved that quote.

[Rosee]

I think it's useful advice if you have already started seeing the person and they are always cancelling or acting hot and cold..I imagine much of the time it would be because they weren't that into you and it's better to cut your losses..however I once was very into this one guy and I acted hot and cold and that was because of my insecurities and worries about getting hurt..we were seeing each other and I was obviously very good at acting aloof because he didn't realise I had strong feelings until I ended up telling him..I'm not a guy though, but I think it's more about the type of personality and experiences you have had than gender (although that must play a part too).

People say it isn't complicated but doesn't it depend whether the people involved are complicated?

[FoxMulder]

That should go both ways don't you think? If the girl is into the guy she should make her effort to see and date the guy aswell. Though I'm guessing you like all other girls have double standards on this matter where you think that it's ONLY the guy who has to make an effort.

[Batya33]

That should go both ways don't you think? If the girl is into the guy she should make her effort to see and date the guy aswell. Though I'm guessing you like all other girls have double standards on this matter where you think that it's ONLY the guy who has to make an effort.

 

When it comes to asking the person out on a date, I think the guy should make more of the effort in the beginning to call and ask the lady out on a date -- but asking out is only part of the effort that's put into getting to know each other. In my experience (personal and collective) it works best - the dynamics/the interaction - when the man does more of the asking out in the beginning of the relationship.

 

I would like to see it change where men were not generally put off when the woman did the asking out or more of the asking out (sure they are often flattered but that is not the woman they'll choose to be in a serious relationship with, with few exceptions), but from what Ive seen with men in their late 20s and up it's most effective if the woman who wants a serious relationshp to let the man do most of the asking out in the beginning - but of course she should put in the effort to show interest, help plan the dates, help develop the friendship, etc. Oh and I think she should offer to pay at least her share at least by the second date.

[DN]

 

 

Batya: you really have no evidence to back up that assertion other than your very limited acquaintance and experience. Just because a relationship either doesn't ensue or last when a woman asks it doesn't mean it was because she asked. Most relationships fail for myriad reasons especially in the early stages,

 

I think you are doing women (and men) a grave disservice if they follow this reasoning. I wonder how many people have lost the chance of a good and lasting relationship because they followed it.

 

It really is time that women were encouraged to take a risk for a potentially good relationship and stop hiding behind "it doesn't work" when for some people it plainly does - too many people have found it does work to make the argument hold water. It is hard enough to find a good relationship with erecting even more barriers to it.

[Raize]

Sometimes it may not always be a a guy's shyness that prevents him asking a girl out. Myself used to be a a shyer guy, but generally these days I have better confidence in asking a girl out or at least getting Her number if we 'click'.

 

One thing you know is moreso matters of circumstance that may prevent a guy from asking you out. To the women here, I can tell you firsthand - heavy work/study loads and other committments can make a guy relucant to ask someone out (If I am in a relationship I want to be able to make the time for a GF that She deserves). Or even if there are things at stake e.g. if he has known you for years and is close to your family as well etc and doesn't want to risk losing all of that.

[FoxMulder]

Men are not generally put off if the women does the asking out, thats just an excuse women have made up as to why they never take any initiatives or show any intrest. Some men might dislike it but I really don't think most men think like that.

 

And if the girls asks out a guy and their relationship doesn't work, why does it have to be because of that? The relationship can end due to alot of reasons it doesn't have to be because the girl asked the guy out. Why would that even matter anyway?

[annie24]

I don't think that men dislike it when women ask them out. my experience has been i've never really been turned down when asking a man on a date. they're typically flattered, but it doesn't usually lead to a second date. i think one potential reason for this is that most of the men i am attracted to are not the "quiet and shy" types, so if they were interested in me in the first place, they would have asked me out to begin with. though i can see if you are dealing with the 'quiet and shy' type, that asking him out might give him the confidence needed to make the next move.

 

I am friends with a couple (married for 2.5 years). I asked who asked who out. she said they were friends for a long time, and she liked him and he liked her, but he never asked her out (he pointed out he was shy and scared). she finally decided to ask him out (she figured she had nothing to lose). so, she did and they've been together ever since. she was just tired of waiting and was ready to move on, one way or another (ie, either date him or move on). makes sense to me!!

 

that all said, like DN says - there's not much to lose by inviting a guy out to lunch or coffee or an interesting local event. mention that you are going to a fair this weekend, ask if he would like to join you and gauge his reaction or whatever. my advice would be that if a woman goes this route, she let the guy ask her out for the second date, to see if he accepted because of genuine interest, or he was just being polite.

[Batya33]

I have vast, not limited experience. And I only speak from my experiences, personal and collective (and also backed up from what I've read and not just those silly dating books). I agree that it should change - would have been easier for me if it had changed when I was dating all those years - and maybe it is in the yonger generation - I hope so.

 

I don't advocate playing games or playing hard to get so I think there's little risk of a man who is emotionally stable, and not into being a passive participant in a relationship, being turned off because a woman doesn't do the same amount of asking him out on dates for the first number of dates - if she shows interest in a sincere and active way, including returning his calls promptly, taking the intitiative in other aspects - I doubt most men would have a problem with that.

 

As I've written before, a woman who would be happiest being in control of a man with a passive personality should definitely take the initiative in all aspects, from the beginning - but I know few men and women like that or who would like that sort of interaction.

 

I do know of many examples where a woman blew her chances at a good and lasting relationship because she was seen as too pushy in the beginning (i.e. called him/texted more than he called her, asked him out on more than one date, etc.).

[Batya33]

Totally agree - my approach too. I did tend to go for quiet/shy guys and they asked me out just the same as the more outgoing guys - I always was a very approachable person - I have that "tourist magnet" face, lol, so maybe that helped things along with the quiet/shy types.

 

That's why I write that the man should do more of the asking (usually it is "all" in the beginning but no big deal if the woman asks the man out for the first date or to lunch, etc.)

 

And no, Fox, it's not an excuse - I had no trouble asking men out - it wasn't a big deal really - it just wasn't an effective way to find a lasting relationship.

[DN]

No one person has vast experience - there are millions of people in the US alone. And you always ignore the number of people, both men and women, who post on these threads who say that it worked for them.

 

I do know of many examples where a woman blew her chances at a good and lasting relationship because she was seen as too pushy in the beginning (i.e. called him/texted more than he called her, asked him out on more than one date, etc.).

Have all the men in these many examples explicitly told you, in unmistakeable terms, that this was the reason, and the only reason, that they ended the relationship. And if they did - did you ask them why they entered into a relationship with the woman in the first place and allowed it to develop into one that had the potential to be a long-lasting and loving relationship only to suddenly discover that they wanted to end it because she asked him out all that time ago?

[FoxMulder]

Totally agree - my approach too. I did tend to go for quiet/shy guys and they asked me out just the same as the more outgoing guys - I always was a very approachable person - I have that "tourist magnet" face, lol, so maybe that helped things along with the quiet/shy types.

 

That's why I write that the man should do more of the asking (usually it is "all" in the beginning but no big deal if the woman asks the man out for the first date or to lunch, etc.)

 

And no, Fox, it's not an excuse - I had no trouble asking men out - it wasn't a big deal really - it just wasn't an effective way to find a lasting relationship.

 

Have you ever considered that those relationships might not have lasted due to an entirely different reason? Explain to me why a relationship where the girl asked the guy out first is destined to fail?

 

And don't you think it's unfair towards the guy that he always have to do all the effort?

[annie24]

Have all the men in these many examples explicitly told you, in unmistakeable terms, that this was the reason, and the only reason, that they ended the relationship. And if they did - did you ask them why they entered into a relationship with the woman in the first place and allowed it to develop into one that had the potential to be a long-lasting and loving relationship only to suddenly discover that they wanted to end it because she asked him out all that time ago?

 

i can think of one relationship where a guy ended things because she was too much too fast. however, we're not talking a few phone calls or an invite to dinner. no, much more extreme. within 2 weeks, she was discussing their wedding, where they would live, and their future children. oh, and she showed up at his house and stared at him through the kitchen window for 5 minutes before finally knocking on the front door. can you say "bunny boiler?"

[DN]

i can think of one relationship where a guy ended things because she was too much too fast. however, we're not talking a few phone calls or an invite to dinner. no, much more extreme. within 2 weeks, she was discussing their wedding, where they would live, and their future children. oh, and she showed up at his house and stared at him through the kitchen window for 5 minutes before finally knocking on the front door. can you say "bunny boiler?"

I bet she always uses the express lane even if she has more than 12 items.

 

Yeah, that is an extreme.

 

I am sure there are more 'sane' examples but one swallow doesn't make a summer. The main thing is that women should take a risk - they have little to lose.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I don't think that men dislike it when women ask them out. my experience has been i've never really been turned down when asking a man on a date. they're typically flattered, but it doesn't usually lead to a second date. i think one potential reason for this is that most of the men i am attracted to are not the "quiet and shy" types, so if they were interested in me in the first place, they would have asked me out to begin with. though i can see if you are dealing with the 'quiet and shy' type, that asking him out might give him the confidence needed to make the next move.

 

I think that's pretty true for me too. I ask a guy out if he hasn't asked me out. Which, typically means he's shy. It leads to problems when they feel self conscious talking on the phone and aren't able to talk to me openly about issues they are having. We break up and I never knew anything was bothering them. They keep it to themselves and I'm rather blindsided.

 

I think if I asked the guy out first more of the time, this wouldn't be true. But, I ask as a back up plan to them asking, which makes them much more likely to be quiet, reserved types.

[skyblue1]

I get really annoyed when the guy is hot and cold but you do have a indication if they are interested or not by having regular communication and wanting to see you

[Batya33]

I'm referring to men who have been interested in dating a woman, she asks him out, and starts calling him (not too much, but as much as him), and the man is left scratching his head as to why it's a turn off to him, why he's not as interested all of a sudden - in the beginning I mean, when things are fragile. I too have been interested, and then turned off, when the first or second impression struck me as overeager or needy - I find that the beginning of a relationship is often a fragile time as far as feelings/interest level changing quickly as you get to know the person. Not with everyone of course.

 

I don't think --and I've written this - that it's a big deal either way if the woman asks the man out for the first date, or for one of the early dates - but with few exceptions, more than that risks cooling the guy's interest. Most guys I know (I mean, late 20s and up, not younger) and have known feel more comfortable with the "traditional" role of doing more of the asking and calling in the beginning, despite being flattered if a woman asks them out. I don't ignore the exceptions -- and I don't ignore that the relationship might not have worked out anyway, but in those cases I just think the woman is wasting her time - if he really wanted to date her, and was available to date, he would have asked her out unless he is a very passive person.

 

By vast experience I mean dating in a major city for close to 25 years, knowing personally hundreds of men and women, going on dates with well over a hundred men, being in serious relationships for years, and all the reading, watching, observing, etc over the years. To me that is not limited experience - vast? It's open to interpretation I guess.

[DN]

By vast experience I mean dating in a major city for close to 25 years, knowing personally hundreds of men and women, going on dates with well over a hundred men, being in serious relationships for years, and all the reading, watching, observing, etc over the years. To me that is not limited experience - vast? It's open to interpretation I guess.

And of all these hundreds of people those who have asked women out have confided in you that is the reason that they ended the relationship?