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Guys, 'he's just not that into you' - really? is it TRUE?


chelsea13

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The whole 'if he's into you then he will definitely make his effort to see you and date you' - is it true? I read somewhere that the whole 'maybe he got cold feet' thing was considered complete BS.

 

- Firstly, what does it mean by he's 'into' you? you are interested?? Or you really like the girl? How can you tell after say, one dinner, one party with her?

 

Plenty of times I thought guys are interested but ended up they were extremely lousy about seeing me, so I'm beginning to think whether I read too much into it, I used to think that they got cold feet if I didn't really reciprocated... But then there was this one guy I was totally into and I flirted with him but nothing happened afterwards (yes he had a girlfriend,which I later found out. But even after they broke up, he never called me anymore as well).

 

- So, guys, given that you're into a girl, would you still get freaked out and ended up not calling her? Because you got shy or scared?

 

For example, there was this one guy who was an old classmate, and we all had a reunion thing. And after the dinner he asked for my number, and then he texted me the day after asking whether I'm always busy at weekends or what? I replied that I'm usually with my family in weekends but the class decided to go out somewhere then count me in etc. Afterwards he never asked me out :S I was not interested at all so I sort of blocked him from asking more - but if you follow the 'he's just not that into you' rule, would he still be persistent? or do you think that he got scared and read my 'signs'?

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If someone was "into you" and you weren't together already then I would take it that he was interested in you. If you are together and he is "into you" then I would say he really likes you.

 

As regards your example, I would say your old classmate didn't persist because you made it quite clear that you weren't interested in going out with him on your own. Maybe it might be different if you had known and liked someone for a lot longer but if someone you randomly bump into and are unlikey to see again doesn't show any interest in you I guess there is no reason to persist. There is little point in flogging a dead horse.

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The whole 'if he's into you then he will definitely make his effort to see you and date you' - is it true?

 

He will make the effort unless he's just a type that wants to play hard-to-get, he would show more interest in an exclusive way. Especially in a situation where the guy's intention is to get to know you more and possibly have a relationship in the near future.

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In my experience with men (personal and vicarious, collective experiences, hundreds of men at least) in their late 20s and up, if he is interested in going on a date with you and is available to date he will ask you out even if he is scared or shy - he will prioritize the benefit of dating you over the scared/shy feeling. Maybe things have changed with teenagers/younger guys - my guess is it has not. Oh and if you want to be really sure of course you should show interest - flirt, start conversations, etc but often that wasn't even necessary. Playing hard to get is silly though.

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No, what a stupid blanket statement. The only reason it resonates with people is that the most common and likely scenario when a girl likes a guy and he is not responding is that he is not into her, which is usually accurate. But you are suggesting alternate scenarios, for example that you don't even like the guy and have tried to stop him from asking you out lol. In that case I guess you could say that he didn't like you enough to ignore the fact that you don't like him back. I hope you don't base your actions purely based off of this "rule", because if you assume a guy will pursue you no matter what you do on your end. Well obviously that's just ridiculous.

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Its kind of hard to say nowadays because for some reason, so many people are concerned about not coming off as too clingy or don't want to make first moves because they think it shows a little weakness. This applies to both men and women. You would think that if you are into someone, you do make some effort to see them and stuff and you don't let yourself get caught up in your ego and how you appear to that person.

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The people who wrote "he's just not that into you" are laughing all the way to the bank. I believe they were the writers of "Sex and the City"..and wasn't there just a movie with that title. That has been the trendy catch phrase that everyone uses whether or not it is truly applicable. It was created by Hollywood types...just like Seinfeldisms like "master of your domain" "yadda, yadda yadda" etc. The media and what we view creates "catchphrases" that people then use ad nauseum. It is an over-simplification. People should be careful about interpreting someone's inactions as well as interpreting their actions. Many people have been fooled by someone who looked like they were "so into them" with phone calls, attention, loving words and glances...only to find out that it was all an act..that they were really pining for the ex and just transferring their feelings in order to not be alone. Many shy people will not act even though they are very much interested in the other person. When it comes to romance and relationships, sometimes what you see on the surface is not really what is the true situation.

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I've known plenty of guys who have been WAY too shy to ask a girl out, so they never do. I think you have to take the advice in that book with a grain of salt. Sure, the "rules" apply a lot of the time, but for the most part it's all stereotypical.

 

I agree.

 

Don't believe what you read in a book.

 

It's only being done for money, nothing else.

 

Some guys really are shy. But that doesn't mean they aren't into the girl.

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I think the book makes SOME good points. BUT, if you show interest and pursue someone shy, and they are 'into' you, they will happily reciprocate and begin coming out of their shell (I know this, I loved a 'shy guy' for seven years and he loved me very much) As soon as I showed interest in him, he was very obviously interested in me (shy but always kind, happy to talk to me on the phone, would hold my hand, agree to go out anytime, any chance he got even if he was too shy to ask me etc etc) I think even if someone is shy they sometimes can't help themselves once the other person shows that they aren't going to reject them by being open and outgoing.

 

I don't think a book is going to replace common sense. I mean, if a guy IS interested he WILL pursue you if you are letting him know you are interested too 9as a girl will pursue a guy if she really likes him...duh!). If a guy is all wishy-washy about calling/making dates with you, he's not interested, it has nothing to do with shyness. If the person is shy, they aren't going to say they're 'busy' when YOU try and make plans. It's fairly simple, people make it so damn complicated, and I think that was the purpose of the book. STOP COMPLICATING THINGS!

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I was not interested at all so I sort of blocked him from asking more - but if you follow the 'he's just not that into you' rule, would he still be persistent? or do you think that he got scared and read my 'signs'?

 

I think he read your signs.

 

If someone has half a brain, being sent that text is quite an obvious block, so why waste time going after someone who isn't into you.

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I consider myself more of a gunslinger than a shy guy when it comes to dating and asking women out. If a girl gives me her contact information and I am interested, I am absolutely and definitely going to ask them out...just a question of how soon and if I'll ask again if they don't accommodate me. However, at school and now over the last few years, work, I'm hesitant. I can easily be interested in someone, but may not pull the trigger given I have to see the person all the time and would hate for a potential rejection to spread through the office. I'll still be flirty and suggestive, but I need to be met in the middle if I'm going to put myself out there. I think that's probably a common feeling.

 

Also, you were trying to define "into me". I'll speak for myself and pretty much all males I know. If a guy is asking you out one on one, he is at least "into you" enough that he likes the idea of physically hooking up with you. How interested he is in getting to know you and considering a potential relationship is the unknown. His wanting to get physical is not an unknown, it's a given.

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The biggest and most dangerous myth promulgated in the dating world is that shy men will ask you out if they are really interested. It is a circular-argument fallacy that should be decently interred along with other old wives tales such as "women should play hard to get" and "why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free".

 

Like most of these platitudes it is extremely misleading and stems from a badly mistaken understanding of shy men (and often of shy women) and sensible people should completely ignore it and use their own common sense.

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This may give you some insight:

 

 

 

Similar surveys on here and elsewhere confirm this one - but people choose to ignore them as they cannot seem to let go of the concept that shy men will always find a way to ask a woman out.

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i really like the book, I have it, and am a sex and the city fan as well. the movie was so-so. i think overall, the message of the book is "don't settle for crumbs." The authors during an interview (i think it was on oprah?) acknowledged that there are exceptions to the rule, not 100% of guys will act one way or another.

 

given your example though, i think that he read your lack of interest. i think he was scoping out if you would be interested in seeing him (your answer suggested not so much!) i've known some men who are very very persistent. one guy was pursuing my friend for 2 years (and she rejected him several times!) but now they are a couple and are planning on getting married. so, i guess some men are that persistent. though if i were that guy's friend, i would have told him to move on, that she wasn't interested, as she had turned him down numerous times. well, his persistence paid off finally. I doubt that most men would have been that persistent, as they may have had restraining orders filed against them.

 

For example, there was this one guy who was an old classmate, and we all had a reunion thing. And after the dinner he asked for my number, and then he texted me the day after asking whether I'm always busy at weekends or what? I replied that I'm usually with my family in weekends but the class decided to go out somewhere then count me in etc. Afterwards he never asked me out :S I was not interested at all so I sort of blocked him from asking more - but if you follow the 'he's just not that into you' rule, would he still be persistent? or do you think that he got scared and read my 'signs'?
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If a guy is genuinly interested in you, he will pursue you. Even shy guys get the girls in the end. Some guys show interest early in the pretence to get you into bed. You can always tell with those guys because they will say "What you doing? Wanna hang out? (preferbably at your house) lines like that. They won't ask you anything about yourself, no questions, and don't want full on conversations unless its about if your free to hook up. If a guy is interested he will be taking you out, and you will hear from him alot!

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I think there are plenty of exceptions.

 

The point of the book, in my opinion, is that you should let go when a guy doesn't like you and not take it so personally. 'He's just not that into you" rather than 'you aren't good enough".

 

The original author of the book was a man who used to be a player. He said he got older, felt the guilt, and released this book to sort of pay back his dues to humanity. He is actually a pretty cool guy and I think he makes some good points as to how women get too caught up in dating and take things too personally too soon when dating.

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Here is why the "shy guy will always ask you out" advice is misguided. The woman who thinks a shy guy may be too shy to ask her out and decides to ask him has little to lose other than being rejected - something that men who ask have to accept all the time (btw - it is interesting how many men who say shy guys will ask have never or rarely asked a guy out themselves).

 

If he says "no" then you move on knowing you did all you could.

 

If he says "yes' then you may develop the best and longest lasting relationship you could ever have - and the fact that he may not be assertive in asking a woman out does not mean he is unassertive in everything.

 

But if the woman doesn't asked based on this misguided advice she could miss out on that great relationship simply because of one simple question. And if she is too nervous or shy to ask she really isn't in a a position to complain because he doesn't.

 

So try it - it may get you what you want. And anecdotal stories that it failed for other women no matter how wide their acquaintance doesn't mean in any degree that it will fail for you.

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A person may SHOW interest but not necessarily BE interested in a noble way.

 

This is dead on. I think a lot of women allow themselves to become easy pickings when guys come on strong with the phone calls and flowers, early on. (Including me -- at least before I wised up a little)

 

I did mean women but many men (not the shy ones) say the same thing.

 

OK, I thought so, I see what you mean.

 

If he says "no" then you move on knowing you did all you could.

 

.

 

I think this makes sense in situations where a woman is extremely attracted to a shy guy. There really is nothing lost in asking someone out. I would have no problem with it in theory; in fact I would love to just boldly and confidently go out there and pick a guy and roll the dice. I see the previous polls where lots of guys indicated they would love it if a woman asked them out. I just can't help being hesitant to do it though -- it has always backfired when I tried it. Maybe I just tried it with the wrong guys.

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