Can you forgive someone who isn't sorry?

[Elsewhere]

I had those feelings before about the other guy she's with or was with or whatever, but I kinda let that go. He's probably pulling his hair out now, same as I was.

 

You're def. right about that he wanted to cheat on her with me so I doubt he is faithfull.

 

Anyways, to forgive is to forget in our case. And move on. And they don't need to know, even when I'm fine with things, I'm sure NOT giving him the relief of hearing that "it's ok"!

[tina-rocks]

I believe everyone deserves a second chance but not if they have no remorse for what they have done...

 

It's hard to quantify what qualifies as something that should be forgiven, so I think we all have our own guidelines, as far as that goes.

 

When we lose someone we loved and the circumstances in which we lost them means we ended up hurt or heartbroken, we have to ask ourselves. Would we have done to others as they did to us. If the answer is no then it makes forgiving them even harder..

[Superman87]

I havent read all the way through the thread, but in response to the thread title, yes you can forgive someone who isnt sorry.

 

I havent got a clue if my ex is sorry about what she did, I am sure she is but I dont know and I have forgiven her.

[Nixee]

Is that actually forgiveness, though? It seems like everyone has a different concept of what it actually is. The above statement I would refer to as just "moving on."

 

It absolutely is forgiveness. What do you think forgiveness is if it isn't moving on from your anger and hurt? It is being able to truly (and I do mean truly) let go of the pain and resentment.

 

Previously when I'd thought about my ex, I would feel anger. Talking about him with mutual friends... there would be a lot of bashing, nasty names, etc. I'd moved on... was living my own life... I was able to date other people, whatever.. but I still thought of him and I held the bad feelings. But when something inside of me was ready to really face things.... I let go. I forgave.

 

And it doesn't matter if I tell him "oh hey... by the way.. I'm sure you'd be thrilled to know that I forgive you" .... would he care? Maybe. Maybe not. Probably not. He lives his own life. Doubtful that he thought he really did anything wrong. When you truly forgive, it really is for you, and it will go hand in hand with moving on... whether or not that person is in your life anymore.

 

 

 

....That said... If you aren't ready.. you cannot force yourself to forgive, and I agree that forgetting and moving on, focusing on yourself is the best avenue to take. Better that than attempting to offer forgiveness that isn't genuine just to move yourself on before you are ready. Anger is part of the grieving process.

[pinkelephant]

Whether they're sorry or not is irrelevant. They don't really matter anymore. I think forgiveness is just about not being bitter about it anymore and simply is indifference and letting it GO. It IS moving on. It's not about telling the other person anything. It's all about you and your ability to forgive.

 

It's not about saying that "it's okay that you've hurt me". It's saying, you did hurt me and I'll be damned if I let that happen again, but I'm at a better place now and feel quite indifferent to you.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I see forgiveness as letting someone off the hook, whether they know you have "forgiven" them or not. I don't see not forgiving as "holding a grudge". To me holding a grudge is when someone has tried to make amends and you don't forgive them. When someone keeps repeating the "kick in your face" behaviour, then I don't see not forgiving them as "holding a grudge" I see it as simply not excusing continual bad behaviour. I don't rely on excusing the other person's behaviour in order to free myself. I am independent of some jerk's behaviour towards me..I do not make my life and my future dependent on being able to say, "that's okay, you have stabbed me in the back repeatedly, but I forgive" like some kind of TV evangelist. I have had people in my life do some pretty awful things to me and I have moved on quite well without ever feeling like I had to forgive them. They just don't factor in my life anymore.

[avman]

I personally don't know how anyone can forgive someone who keeps repeatedly kicking them with no remorse. While forgiveness may not mean you think there behaviour is "okay" it actually is almost patronizing to say in essence "your behaviour sucks, but I forgive you because I don't REALLY forgive you, I am just thinking I forgive you because I hope it will make ME feel better". In other words, this kind of "forgiveness" in order to "move on" is not really forgiveness at all..it is just how the package is dressed up.

 

I'm afraid I disagree. What you are saying is to hold on to the anger and resentment about the situation. The only person that hurts is you. Because it eats at you on the inside and makes you bitter. It does nothing to the other person who is the one that created the hurt. Holding on to that until the other person resolves the situation simply leaves you stuck and pissed off.

[avman]

Whether they're sorry or not is irrelevant. They don't really matter anymore. I think forgiveness is just about not being bitter about it anymore and simply is indifference and letting it GO. It IS moving on. It's not about telling the other person anything. It's all about you and your ability to forgive.

 

It's not about saying that "it's okay that you've hurt me". It's saying, you did hurt me and I'll be damned if I let that happen again, but I'm at a better place now and feel quite indifferent to you.

 

This is another way of putting it. But basically yes, that's what it is all about.

[avman]

I see forgiveness as letting someone off the hook, whether they know you have "forgiven" them or not.

 

By letting them off the hook, that implies you have some sort of power or ability to punish them. That's not the reality in most situations and not the way I'd choose to live my life.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I'm afraid I disagree. What you are saying is to hold on to the anger and resentment about the situation. The only person that hurts is you. Because it eats at you on the inside and makes you bitter. It does nothing to the other person who is the one that created the hurt. Holding on to that until the other person resolves the situation simply leaves you stuck and pissed off.

 

 

You don't have to forgive in order to let go of the anger. I have let go of the anger towards plenty of people who stabbed me in the back..but I don't forgive them for what they did since they never made an effort to make amends. To me forgiveness is tied in with someone showing remorse for what they did..forgiveness is earned, not handed out for free.

[NutsandBolts]

It's hard to forgive someone for repeatedly "kicking you" when all they can focus on is how you've "kicked them" and how it's all your fault. While I admit that I certainly did my share of kicking, my ex did too but blames it entirely on me. I guess it's too painful for some to realize just how harmful their actions have been on another person and to realize their own faults.

[sweet_kisses]

I haven't read the thread, but forgiveness is always a good thing. If you can't forgive someone, you are still holding on to the bitterness and the victim mentality of "they did this to me". You might not be angry anymore, but the bitterness is still there I feel, and it really prevents you from living your life to the fullest.

 

Now to forgive does not mean to forget - which is what a lot of people think. Or they think that because they are upset or still angry, that they can't forgive someone. Forgiveness isn't a feeling, its a choice. Its a simple choice to accept that the past is the past, that everybody does what they think is best with the information available to them but they might be acting on just awful information (remember that saying - don't judge someone until you've walked in their shoes? Well, if someone acts maliciously towards you, think of all the messed up things that are going on in their head to cause them to do that.. quiet pitiful actually), and the only person responsible for your wellbeing is you. Yes, it sucks that your bf/gf/partner left you, but their main responsibility in life is NOT to make you happy. Just like your responsibility is not to make someone else happy. So if you can't forgive someone for leaving you then essentially you disagree with that statement. The way they did might be awful, and who knows what caused them to do it. But there are injustices all over the world, all the time.

 

So you can forgive. Its not about letting go of the anger or hurt. Its about making an active choice about accepting that the past is the past, that people make mistakes (whether they admit them or not) and that you really are better than some pety emotions or feelings of rejection that you are holding on to.

 

Also, forgiveness doesn't mean acceptance. You can forgive someone who repetedly hurts you, but you can chose to leave them out of your life. You can forgive your ex but it doesn't mean that you have to get back with them, want to friends, or even be in contact with them, or do anything with them at all.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You can forgive your ex but it doesn't mean that you have to get back with them, want to friends, or even be in contact with them, or do anything with them at all.

 

Then that's not my definition of forgiveness. If you want nothing to do with someone because of how they treated you then you actually haven't forgiven them in the true sense of what forgiveness is..as far as I am concerned. That is why I don't buy into this whole "forgiveness" thing when the person has really kicked you hard and shown no remorse. I don't think it is enough to say..."well, he cheated on me multiple times because he has his own hangups, poor guy, I forgive him because he has hangups". My feeling is that "if he has hangups why should I have to pay the price for it..I can't forgive someone who has cheated on me multiple times and is likely now going to cheat on his next girlfriend, and the next one...".

[Lesleyb05]

Just out of curiosity if you have actually forgiven someone what is the harm in letting them know?

[Seymore]

They could take it the wrong way (as you can see, there are obviously multiple takes on what forgiveness means) and hound the "forgiver" trying to get back together again or something along those lines. It could get ugly.

[browneyedgirl36]

I definitely CAN forgive someone who isn't sorry -- or someone who never says he or she is sorry, and I don't have to let them know I am forgiving them. For me, forgiveness does not mean letting the wrongdoer off the hook; it means letting myself off the hook -- in essence, saying "You hurt me, but I'm not going to carry that hurt around with me anymore." It does not mean that I am welcoming that person back into my life or maintaining any sort of relationship with them. I have, for example, forgiven a family member who created a tremendous amount of turmoil in my family -- someone who treated several other family members very poorly and has never expressed any remorse or acknowledged any wrongdoing. I have not seen this person in close to 10 years. I have no plans to ever see him or speak to him again. I harbor no resentment toward him anymore -- though that took time. My mother, on the other hand, still harbors some resentment, and she has the idea that "forgiveness" means that somehow she is letting him off the hook and saying his behavior is "OK." I've explained to her my view of forgiveness - that it's not about the other person, it's about YOU and making your life more peaceful, but she doesn't really concur. She's finally getting to the point where she doesn't hate him anymore, though.

 

I have forgiven lots of people I've never seen again, people I have no intention of seeing again. In fact, a few of those people have tried to "friend" me on Facebook, and I have ignored them -- not out of resentment or grudge-bearing, but simply because I don't feel inclined to have them in my life anymore. They are a part of my past, and there they will stay. I have moved on.

[Zzyzzyx]

I have struggled greatly with forgiveness in regards to my obligation to forgive those who don't desire my forgiveness.

 

I found this blog post to be very helpful. It's a bit of a heavy read but perhaps it will provide some insight:

 

link removed

 

This has been a really good thread.

[Seraphim]

I have forgiven many people who are not sorry. They have no capacity to be sorry. Why should I burn myself up with anger and resentment? That is a waste of time and life and makes you sick in many ways.

[Seymore]

To those who associate forgiveness with letting go - are you forgiving yourself or them? It sounds like you're forgiving yourself for feeling angry towards that person, not necessarily them.

[Seraphim]

To those who associate forgiveness with letting go - are you forgiving yourself or them? It sounds like you're forgiving yourself for feeling angry towards that person, not necessarily them.

 

No, I have forgiven every person who has hurt me. I have no malice for them. I have been severely abused by some people and I hold no malice or anger for them. What would be the point? Are they going to care? Will it make a difference to them? Not in the least. They could not care less how I feel about anything so why feel it?It would only hurt me. No point in that.

[Seymore]

According to the definition of "forgiveness" that I just found:

 

1. To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon.

2. To renounce anger or resentment against.

 

Sounds kind of like two different definitions. Victoria, browneyedgirl and others have mentioned they've renounced their anger or resentment, and I can sort of understand that. But by excusing, aren't you saying it was ok?

 

I understand harboring angry feelings is hurtful to yourself only most of the time, but how can you say you excuse the behavior?

[Elsewhere]

To those who associate forgiveness with letting go - are you forgiving yourself or them? It sounds like you're forgiving yourself for feeling angry towards that person, not necessarily them.

 

I think as long as you can't forgive, you still care.

 

Do you have an ex who had hurt you but today you can laugh at it? I do - forgiveness is obvious here as a consequence of me being totally indifferent to this person. That's what letting go is

 

o i didn't address your question: it's forgiving them for not caring bc you no longer care neither

[Seraphim]

According to the definition of "forgiveness" that I just found:

 

1. To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon.

2. To renounce anger or resentment against.

 

Sounds kind of like two different definitions. Victoria, browneyedgirl and others have mentioned they've renounced their anger or resentment, and I can sort of understand that. But by excusing, aren't you saying it was ok?

 

No, not at all. I am not saying it is right but I am not going to flay myself with emotions that have no value. I am not saying I was never angry. There is a point though where anger no longer helps you but pulls you down. Anger is a part of grieving and has it's place, but after that it is not helpful. Anger and resentment will eat you alive. You can not control what people are going to do and you do not have to agree with it. But forgiveness only helps you in the end. Negative emotions destroy the mind and body.Letting go does not mean I have said it is ok what they did but I am not going to continue what they started to destroy me. That would be a real travesty and one of my own making.

[I_Speak_Jive]

Second, how do you go about forgiving? People say "Forgive yourself, forgive others...", well, I'm a Catholic, so you'd think I knew a thing or two about forgiveness, but I feel I haven't much of a clue.

 

This is very common -us Catholics tend to equate forgiveness with atonement, in other words, "you work for it". And clearly she's not up to atone much.

 

You've forgiven her the moment you accept that she did what she did and it's done, and you don't resent her for it. What she thinks about her own behaviour from then on is irrelevant.

 

Best of luck!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think as long as you can't forgive, you still care.

 

Do you have an ex who had hurt you but today you can laugh at it? I do - forgiveness is obvious here as a consequence of me being totally indifferent to this person. That's what letting go is

 

o i didn't address your question: it's forgiving them for not caring bc you no longer care neither

 

I see being indifferent to a person as completely different from forgiving them for what they did.