NutsandBolts

Dear Alias Number _______, Thanks! In your own messed up way, you did give me my dignity back. I sunk to my rock bottom this past weekend. I offered you amends, apologies and friendship. The only thing I would delete is my offer of friendship. I want nothing further to do with you. Once I seen that you had The World's Shortest Relationship deleted, I immediately thought about deleting every single one of my posts. But, I decided against it. I have nothing to hide. NOTHING. In my post of amends, I gave you honesty. Despite ALL of the feelings I have toward you, through all of the emotional ups and downs that I have ridden since we parted, the one consistent thing that I have felt is this overwhelming need to express my gratitude to you for pointing out the root cause of my "inner demons". I won't even discuss the manner in which you did it nor my feelings toward it. Yes, you can go right ahead and pat yourself on the back. You have cured what ailed me! Woo hoo! Through your diligent efforts and my self honesty, you can rest assured knowing that one day I will know love. And now that I have sunk to my personal rock bottom and made my amends, I feel ready to move on and to forever let you go. You will not hear from me again. Best wishes to you. NutsandBolts

When I get around to dating, I'll be certain to share my escapades with you. Perhaps you'll get a chuckle out of mine since you seem to be ready and able to go there.

It is painfully obvious how bad of a person you think that I am to believe that I would laugh at your situation. I should know this by now. The man whom I mistakenly believed to know me better than anyone in this great big world doesn't know me at all. I know that you don't believe this but I'm gonna say it anyway...I'm sorry that things didn't work out for you. And, no...I could not bring myself to laugh. Sorry to disappoint you. Again. A field consists of many "weeds" and so little flowers. Sometimes a weed is just a weed and sometimes what we believe to be a weed could turn out to be a beautiful flower with the right care and nurturing. Sometimes the prettiest of flowers have thorns. So, it is important to treat all weeds and flowers with great care as you travel through the fields. You never know when you will happen upon the most beautiful flower you've ever seen. When the time comes that you do run accross a flower in a field of weeds, be sure to nurture it right away. I could keep going with this analogy but I think that I will stop here. In fact, it all stops here. I've been telling myself that I need to stop but for some reason, I have been quite unable. However, I now I have finally realized that this flower is all dried up and blackened. If I ever want to blossom again, I need to start nurturing myself. I'm sorry that I turned out just to be a thorny weed to you. I'm certain that you will come accross your flower someday. With the right care and nurturing, you will be rewarded many times over.

Merry Christmas~ I hope it helps you to feel better to know that I AM working on healing the hurt of the little girl inside of me. I am grateful of you for pointing her out to me and helping me to see just how much she has affected my life, my behaviors, my relationships and my loved ones. If it weren't for you, I don't know if I would have ever truly acknowledged her. It is time for the grown woman that I am to heal her wounds and misunderstanding. It is time for the hurt little girl to heal this hurt grown woman. I hope it helps you to know that I fully acknowledge and sincerely regret all the many ways in which I hurt you. Paco, I never wanted to hurt you! I hope it helps you to know that I will never forget you. Although, I am very deeply hurt over some of your actions, I am truly indebted to you for being the most profound teacher of my life. I hope it helps you to know that I am now equipped with the knowledge I need to be a much better person going forward. I am now equipped with the necessary tools...integrity, mindfulness, self-love minus the ego, self respect, understanding, and self acceptance. I have a long way to go in healing but I am on the right path. As it turns out, you are my hero in so many regards. I am so very sorry that the only thing that may come out of this excrutiating pain we are both suffering is my personal growth. That is not what I wanted for us. Please believe that. I hope that one day, you will find forgiveness of me. Sincerely, Lola Addendum: This is NOT an admittance to your belief that I am mentally disordered. This is simply meant to offer you some validation in that I acknowledge my baggage that I carried into the relationship, I acknowledge that it did affect us and it is simply my way of making some amends with you. It is my hope that by acknowledging to you that I am doing the much needed inner work on the issues that I brought to the relationship will help you to heal and to find some sense of peace. Nor is this an acceptance of sole responsibility for the wreckage we've become. If it were simply a matter of me being solely responsible, I would beg you to stand by me while I overcome the damage that was done to me. I would fight for us and I would not give up. As it is, we both damaged us. I swirled right into your insecurities and you dipped right into mine. I shimmied right into your needs and you moshed right into mine. We danced magnificently naked in the wind - flesh to flesh - soul to soul. I'm sorry, my dear friend.

I hate love.

I’m a writing this to reach out to you to remind you that I am, indeed, a real person. I do have feelings, empathy, compassion. I am a human being, very much like you. I DO have the ability to learn and grow. I am not a monster! I am NOT worthless! I am not all those horrible, mean things that you say I am. I will never be the same. Ever. Our time together has hurt me profoundly and has been a catalyst to personal growth at the same time. I understand now how the men in my life have given me a misguided notion of what love is. I fully understand how it has affected me and ultimately those that I loved. I am now able to heal the hurt little girl inside of me. For this…I thank you. “I” have faith in me, even if you don’t. What I don’t have faith in anymore is love.

Ugh! I'm so angry with you today! The fantasy that I thought we both shared of stepping away for awhile, doing the healing that we needed and then coming together down the road and maybe things working out for us is DEAD. I see that you continue to blame all of our problems on me. I see that you are not doing your inner work and looking at your own actions. I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that our problems were not just mine or solely caused by me. Your actions from the start have not always been as honorable as you project. You say that you have never been like that in a relationship before yet you cannot seem to give me the same credit. You can't seem to give me credit for anything. You think you know me so well but you do not. While you have spent the last several months focusing all the blame on me, I have been hurting, introspecting, healing and enlightening myself on my actions, their cause and paving a road to joy and inner peace. Peace within myself. A part of which you will never be.

I finally went to a therapist and he prescribed me a pair of glasses. I can see so clearly now.