I think were broken up

[Miss Firecracker]

I dont know. I don't understand it.

 

Maybe he has just snapped and hates me.

 

How can he ignore my texts saying 'please tell me if its over'

 

Does he not know?!

 

If a man ignored my questions, I would KNOW it was over, Blue. Can't you see this is pointless?

[SapphireNoir10]

Are you saying YOU would choose it to be over?

 

He does this all the time, but this time im pretty sure its serious.

 

it isnt healthy, but I find it so hard to believe he could be so cold/calculated/sick. This is the guy who knows my deepest darkests you know?

[lavenderdove]

The both of you have set up a spiraling dynamic where you get emotional and throw yourself upon him in a terrible emotional state, begging, texting etc. So he withdraws and gets cold because he feels drained and attacked by that. Then you get more emotional because he is so cold and withdrawing.

 

This kind of thing just gets worse and worse and you two will just get farther and farther apart the more you demand from him and the more he pulls away. Again, this is a dynamic that is very surely driving you apart.

 

I would say that if you are going to even try to stay together, you must get some kind of counseling to stop this dynamic. The first thing you do is just back away and let everything cool down, including your own emotions. If he's going to leave, he's going to leave, and you're panicking about it won't change anything.

 

you need to focus on calming yourself rather than focus on him. Go take a walk, watch a movie, and above all else, practice thought stopping to break this cycle. And make an appt. with a counselor to talk about this, and help you decide whether you should stay in this relationship that seems to be destroying you. I remember a much happier and a very reasonable girl from awhile back, but your relationship with him is just destroying you, little by little. You need to find yourself again first, and then you can make a reasonable decision about what to do.

[HeartGoesOn]

Blue

 

What are you going to do, or say if he tells you that it's not over? (Not that I agree that you should wait for that to happen, and I personally would not.)

[waveseer]

then what was it? What were all those words? What were out days/nights together?

 

That was an illusion of a relationship interspersed with the reality of an unavailable partner. I'm sorry you had to go through this, I really am. Real relationships have a back and forth communication that may not be very frequent but is consistent and predictable.

[Miss Firecracker]

Are you saying YOU would choose it to be over?

 

He does this all the time, but this time im pretty sure its serious.

 

it isnt healthy, but I find it so hard to believe he could be so cold/calculated/sick. This is the guy who knows my deepest darkests you know?

 

Yes, that is what I would choose, Blue. I have never wanted to be with a man that didn't want me as much. I guess I like myself that much. Sure, I would go to a certain extent and sometimes give benefit of doubt, but I can't imagine putting myself through what you are.

 

I think you are worrying too much about what he knows about you. If that is what's keeping you hanging on, it's not enough.

[diamond78]

Blue,

 

I think you're starting to have a breakdown..

 

First of all, try to remain calm. Try not to let your emotions get the best of you. Yes, I know easier said than done.

 

But seriously, this whole situation should make you stop and notice that you have no control over your own life right now. You're waiting on him to call the shots, to make the decisions, to decide where the relationship is going....

 

What about your control? What about what you can do for yourself?

 

To be perfectly frank with you, this guy is not thinking about you right now. He has escaped from everyone...most likely from his embarrassment of having the police look for him because he decided to go "missing".

 

 

He's not thinking about you when he goes missing...He is only thinking about himself. This guy either has something serious to hide or he has some serious emotional issues to work out.

 

Either way it goes, you're in a world of trouble if you decide to stay with him.

 

If he is not responding to you, then don't bother contacting him anymore. Past behavior should let you know that he will contact only when he really wants to and not by how many times you contact him.

 

I know right now you are afraid of losing him....but I think deep down you know that's what's best for you and for him. He should not be in a relationship right now. He can't handle it.

[ruffles]

I REALLY want you to focus on the fact that he's also avoiding his family. That's quite significant!!!! That means this is something not just about you, but about HIM and ALL his relationships with important people, people that care about him.

 

I'm trying to draw your attention away from yourself primarily to ease this torment you're putting yourself thru. But also to encourage you to seriously take a look at how odd his behavior is. Listen to what everyone is saying, his behavior is definitely very ODD.

 

This is not about YOU. It's not about you at all.

[Jeen]

Are you saying YOU would choose it to be over?

 

Yes! Is it worth going through all the emotional pain every-time he respond this way. Telling you he loves you and then nothing the next moment. It is bordering on the line of mental abuse!

 

Ask yourself what he wants to achieve or get out of how he is treating you, he is playing mind games. He eroding your self confidence and making you play to his every whim.

[SapphireNoir10]

Thank you for your kind words

 

Im just starting to blame myself. I have been immature/harsh/pushed him

 

But everytime I asked him if it was ok (the relationship) he said 'perfect' Everytime I asked if I was being a crappy gf he said 'Your perfect, I wouldnt change you'

 

How can I improve???

 

The thing is he wont do me the decency of ending it, and i've got to not be stuck on it.

 

My fear is if I start moving on and he comes back...what do I do then?

[SapphireNoir10]

Blue

 

What are you going to do, or say if he tells you that it's not over? (Not that I agree that you should wait for that to happen, and I personally would not.)

 

I dont know

 

I dont think he will

[PsychGirly]

I can't really make sense of what he's saying, but quite frankly babe...I don't even need to.

 

From the way I can tell you're feeling, & the way you've been feeling for a while now, it's probably best that this comes to an end.

 

I don't know why you're putting so much energy, time, & emotion into this guy when you're not even getting half of it back.

 

Every couple faces problems. Every couple has arguments, but they work it out together. If this relationship was right, you wouldn't be feeling so hopeless & drained.

[browneyedgirl36]

I know I should

 

I just wish I knew what he was playing at its like hes two people. he seems nice, but then he plays these games, lets me down a lot, dissapears a lot

 

What if i made him crack? what if it is my fault?

 

It's not your fault. He may very well have been playing at being two people; it is amazing how deceptive some people can be, particularly when they are trying to hide something -- drug use, emotional instability, infidelity, etc.

 

It is NOT your fault. From what you've posted, he frequently disappears on you and then makes up stories -- which he can't even keep consistent, apparently -- as to why he hasn't contacted you. Lost phone? Not likely. Broken phone? Slightly more likely, but he seems to have trouble making up his mind as to which it is. He's lying, clearly, and he can't even keep his lies straight. The fact that he's cutting off his parents strongly suggests that he has a major issue, and his issue is NOT you.

 

I'm not a mental health professional, but I think something's definitely up with him mentally/emotionally. If not, then he's up to something he doesn't want anyone to know about. Is it at all possible he could be using drugs? Doing something illegal?

 

I agree with the other posters: Please don't waste your time waiting for him to tell you it's over. What he's doing is emotionally abusive, whether he intends to do it or not. The healthiest thing for you to do would be to step up and decide for yourself that it's over so that you can move forward.

[browneyedgirl36]

Thank you for your kind words

 

Im just starting to blame myself. I have been immature/harsh/pushed him

 

But everytime I asked him if it was ok (the relationship) he said 'perfect' Everytime I asked if I was being a crappy gf he said 'Your perfect, I wouldnt change you'

 

How can I improve???

 

The thing is he wont do me the decency of ending it, and i've got to not be stuck on it.

 

My fear is if I start moving on and he comes back...what do I do then?

 

 

Oh, Blue...The second I read this, I knew for sure: This is definitely an emotionally abusive relationship. If you're asking how you can improve in the midst of this guy completely shutting you down, this relationship is not healthy for you. It has you doubting yourself, constantly questioning yourself, picking yourself apart. EVERY relationship has issues -- we all act a bit immaturely, or a bit pushy, or a bit cranky in our relationships -- the people who love us will talk it out with us and forgive us and try to make it work. He isn't even TRYING to talk to you. He knows you are worried, and he isn't doing ANYTHING to try to reassure you that things are OK. Even if he did need some time to himself -- which is certainly understandable, as we all do from time to time -- he should have TOLD you this. The fact that he didn't suggests that your feelings are not important to him.

 

I honestly don't think his problem is with you. As I said in one of my other posts, I think something else is going on -- something big. Either he's depressed, or has a chemical imbalance, or he's doing something he knows is wrong (drugs, crime, infidelity, etc.) and he is deliberately cutting himself off from you and others. I really don't think it's you at all.

[Jeen]

I think both of you can do with some time away from one another for a while, in this time try to focus on yourself and don't make him the center of your life. See in a few weeks how it all pan out and look for better commitment from his side. It is not being clingy to expect from your bf to respond, to take you into consideration when he plans his days and schedules you are both part of one another and it should be that way or you are looking at a relationship that will not withstand the time and the obstacles that go's with a relationship that will work.

 

A relationship is not one-sided, both should do their part, a relationship is not just when you are close to one another, it is also when you are apart from one another "It is not only 8 hours out of a 24 hour day" it looks like he has a hard time knowing and excepting this.

 

I think you are giving a 100% he is to be blamed at this stage.

[SapphireNoir10]

I dont mean I want to improve now. I think I mean how was it ever supposed to get through our issues etc etc if he never told me anything was wrong till now when he blows up and tells me he feels he does EVERYTHING wrong. Which is so not fair, I buy him little gifts all the time, send him nice emails, I went to visit him for a week, I've stuck by him through

-Lying

-Dissapearing

-standing me up/letting me down

-Losing too jobs

 

Sure I could be pushy and cranky...and a harsh nasty girl sometimes. But so can everyone and he used to say he 'loved my fiestiness' erm. Obviously not!

[PsychGirly]

I dont mean I want to improve now. I think I mean how was it ever supposed to get through our issues etc etc if he never told me anything was wrong till now when he blows up and tells me he feels he does EVERYTHING wrong. Which is so not fair, I buy him little gifts all the time, send him nice emails, I went to visit him for a week, I've stuck by him through

-Lying

-Dissapearing

-standing me up/letting me down

-Losing too jobs

 

Sure I could be pushy and cranky...and a harsh nasty girl sometimes. But so can everyone and he used to say he 'loved my fiestiness' erm. Obviously not!

 

Sometimes you can mistake those qualities as your own, when in fact, the relationship is so destructive, that the other person emphasizes, or even brings out those qualities even more.

 

Everyone has flaws, but I guarantee you, if you were in a different relationship with someone who didn't put you through as much as this guy does, you wouldn't be so pushy, cranky, or harsh. You wouldn't feel the need to.

 

If you're overdoing it, or if you're being annoying for no reason, chances are you'll know it. If you feel like the way you act and the way you feel is justified, then that means that HE helps cause it.

 

I was in an abusive relationship a little worse than yours a few years ago. I was the nastiest person. I was jealous, possessive, controlling, naggy, and he would always tell me how IF I CHANGED the way I was, that he wouldn't be like that.

 

Luckily, the relationship ended, and guess what? I'm no longer like that. I've been in other relationships and dated other guys after that, and not one person has ever complained about me being any of those things. If anything, I'm the complete opposite.

 

When you're in this type of relationship, you have 2 options:

1) You stick with the person & mold yourself in order to be able to deal with all his crap. This includes * * * * * ing everytime he lies, nagging and complaining because he doesn't understand, becoming worried & needing his attention when he disappears, being upset with him everytime he flakes, etc.

OR

2) You leave before he has this effect on you, and save yourself the misery.

[doiiiieeezie]

I dont mean I want to improve now. I think I mean how was it ever supposed to get through our issues etc etc if he never told me anything was wrong till now when he blows up and tells me he feels he does EVERYTHING wrong. Which is so not fair, I buy him little gifts all the time, send him nice emails, I went to visit him for a week, I've stuck by him through

-Lying

-Dissapearing

-standing me up/letting me down

-Losing too jobs

 

Sure I could be pushy and cranky...and a harsh nasty girl sometimes. But so can everyone and he used to say he 'loved my fiestiness' erm. Obviously not!

 

Read that over and over to yourself.... you'll know what to do.

[SapphireNoir10]

I am Im trying SO hard to be strong right now. Because literally I must have given him hundreds of last chances.

 

sometimes when we argued or got upset at eachother, I could see like a sort of half smirk on his face, he always used to say 'Its just my face' Now im beginning to think he FED off the drama

 

Maybe he is insecure, but maybe Im just a tool to feed that, as in he is sat there right now reading those texts knowing hes got me under control.

[waveseer]

He took advantage of your good nature. You need to learn to protect yourself better, nobody is going to look out for you but yourself.

[PsychGirly]

I am Im trying SO hard to be strong right now. Because literally I must have given him hundreds of last chances.

 

sometimes when we argued or got upset at eachother, I could see like a sort of half smirk on his face, he always used to say 'Its just my face' Now im beginning to think he FED off the drama

 

Maybe he is insecure, but maybe Im just a tool to feed that, as in he is sat there right now reading those texts knowing hes got me under control.

 

You're so caught up with hoping, hoping he'll call, hoping he'll regret it, hoping he'll change, that you aren't even seeing anything clearly.

 

Step back and look at the big picture.

 

Open all your threads you've posted about him lately, & read it as if another member on here posted it, then type your response as if you're advising that member.

 

Put all your emotions aside for a second, and tell the other member what you think they should do.

 

That will definitely give you your answer. Then, it's just up to you whether or not you're strong enough to solve it.

[SapphireNoir10]

I hate how your mind sticks on the good and I start blaming myself

 

Truth is every couple has problems, no matter what I did/who I was I was going to face him dissapearing because he can't cope with life/me/parents/anyone.

 

Like you can talk nicely, then he'll be off on one because of something I dont even know :S

 

Its crazy. Of COURSE I miss him and I care about him.

 

Its not easy.

 

But hes made it clear he doesnt love me. You CAN NOT do that to someone you love. So I need to go NC, starting now.

 

Very embarassed about my barrage of texts/calls now. Oh well.

[SapphireNoir10]

He took advantage of your good nature. You need to learn to protect yourself better, nobody is going to look out for you but yourself.

 

I have been very critical of him. maybe I like broke him because he wasnt strong to start with.

 

Or maybe this is all games/gameplaying/drama to him.

[SapphireNoir10]

I need some strong strong wakeup words right now!

[waveseer]

I have been very critical of him. maybe I like broke him because he wasnt strong to start with.

 

Or maybe this is all games/gameplaying/drama to him.

 

I have one ex who thinks I'm overly emotional. One. Out of umpteen lifetime relationships. Do you really think it was me?

 

The same principle applies to you here. Honestly, it's not you, it's him with the problem.