I think were broken up

[SapphireNoir10]

I think I was in such a dodgy place even when I met him after my really abusive ex that I see what a guy should do for a girl (cooking/backrubs etc) as like him being some superstar I can never lose.

[PsychGirly]

Hey Blue, are you reading my posts?

 

I don't want to be rude, and I'm sorry if it's coming off that way, but I'm posting to almost all your responses, hoping to get some feedback, but I'm kinda not getting anything ?

 

Only reason I ask is because I've been through exactly what you're going through, & your feedback would really help me help you better--that's, if you want.

 

=)

[SapphireNoir10]

Hey Blue, are you reading my posts?

 

I don't want to be rude, and I'm sorry if it's coming off that way, but I'm posting to almost all your responses, hoping to get some feedback, but I'm kinda not getting anything ?

 

Only reason I ask is because I've been through exactly what you're going through, & your feedback would really help me help you better--that's, if you want.

 

=)

 

I really am. I took in what you said about threatning him and taking it seriously. I'd really like to hear your story in more detail if you want to PM. On the last page I said about do you think he knows he can get away with it cos i've threatnened and not followed through

 

Its just a lot to take in. I appreciate all of your advice. Im just so confused

 

Like if you could tell me what you think of him as a person and what that text means...what would it be?

[PsychGirly]

I really am. I took in what you said about threatning him and taking it seriously. I'd really like to hear your story in more detail if you want to PM. On the last page I said about do you think he knows he can get away with it cos i've threatnened and not followed through

 

Its just a lot to take in. I appreciate all of your advice. Im just so confused

 

Like if you could tell me what you think of him as a person and what that text means...what would it be?

 

I honestly couldn't make much sense out of the text. I'm not sure if it was the run-on sentences, or if I just couldn't understand it...but it's not really the text that's important.

 

If this was one bad instance in a good relationship, then I would concentrate on the text. But this is just one of many many many times you've been really upset with him, so I think it's just time you look at the bigger picture instead of analyzing every single situation.

[SapphireNoir10]

What would you do if you were me?

 

do you think hes a BAD person from what you know?

 

Text confused me too. Its like why bother telling me hes not coming home if its over or is that his way of saying its over or is it a pity party.

 

And sorry PsychGirly. I really appreciate your effort and advice, didnt mean to be ignorant!

[SapphireNoir10]

Thanks to everyone so far. Im taking it all in even if I dont reply directly

 

Im finding it so hard.

[PsychGirly]

What would you do if you were me?

 

do you think hes a BAD person from what you know?

 

Text confused me too. Its like why bother telling me hes not coming home if its over or is that his way of saying its over or is it a pity party.

 

And sorry PsychGirly. I really appreciate your effort and advice, didnt mean to be ignorant!

 

I would have left already. As sensitive and as emotional as I might be, I will never drop my dignity for anyone. The things he's done to you, he would have never been able to get away with if it were me.

 

I'm not saying he's a horrible person and should go to hell; however, he takes advantage of you 100%, in every way possible. He makes you wait. He makes you wonder. He makes you worry. He makes you suffer. He obviously ENJOYS torturing you. THIS is what makes him a bad person.

 

You have the ability to care, love, and communicate. You deserve someone who will appreciate those qualities, along with your minor flaws.

[SapphireNoir10]

I definatley have flaws. It just annoys me he suddenly comes out with I make him feel useless. Out of nowhere. I wish he would TALk about stuff.

 

In all honest Im wondering because a lot of stuff in his life is out of control if he likes having me as the one thing hes in control of/can manipulate

 

do you think he'll regret it when I walk away?

[SapphireNoir10]

I cant help but blaming me...eugh

[SapphireNoir10]

Another thing is, he knew I was finding out some serious family news today. didnt even care enough to ask how it went....and it went bad so I've got that on top of everything.

 

I havent eaten in days and its 4.30am and I cant sleep.

[PsychGirly]

I cant help but blaming me...eugh

 

You keep saying "I make him feel _____". You don't do anything. Your responses are consequences of his actions.

 

Did he ever stop to think as much as you do? NO! If he did, he would have realized, "Hey, maybe if I start giving a crap and showing that I care, she may not be as bi*chy". He can care less how you feel or what you think, because you have taught him that you will be there regardless.

 

For all you know, he's out having a blast right now, not even thinking about this, while your entire night is ruined because of him. Sad thing is, he knows this. He knows that you're sitting there, miserable, praying to God that he'll regret what he said & call you...and of course, you'll be jumping up and down for joy because it's not over.

 

But it is. It has been for a while now, but you don't want to see it. You're hanging onto a string of hope, the "label" that makes you "bf/gf". Other than that, there's really nothing else there.

[PsychGirly]

Another thing is, he knew I was finding out some serious family news today. didnt even care enough to ask how it went....and it went bad so I've got that on top of everything.

 

I havent eaten in days and its 4.30am and I cant sleep.

 

Another reason on top of 13489725 others why he's not worth it.

[SapphireNoir10]

Thank you, your right.

 

He wont end it though will he...it'll be me...

[SapphireNoir10]

I think I'll attempt sleeping now. Any words of wisdom to wake up too would be fab. thanks guys.

[PsychGirly]

Thank you, your right.

 

He wont end it though will he...it'll be me...

 

Are you asking?

 

It has to be you. Otherwise, you'll regret it for the rest of your life, & you'll sit there and tell yourself, "Why didn't I leave when I had all those chances and reasons to?"

 

This relationship is bound to end, there's no question in that. No matter who ends it, you're going to have to get over him, you're gonna have to accept that it's over, and you're gonna have to move on. The only difference is:

 

*If YOU leave him, you get to keep your dignity & self-respect.

*If you wait for HIM to leave you, you will be left miserable, feeling worthless & completely taken advantage of.

[PsychGirly]

Don't sleep.

 

You're finding a way to run away from the issue & not have to face it & deal with it.

 

If you go to sleep now, you're gonna wake up in the morning to the same crap. It's not gonna change anything.

 

Take your time right now and THINK. THINK while the emotions are fresh & real so that you know WHY you're making whatever decisions you're making.

 

If you put it off for later, you're gonna forget how he made you feel tonight, & you're gonna fall into his trap again.

[PsychGirly]

I'm gonna leave the house now, so I won't be on ENA, but I PMed you my email address, so feel free to email me whenever you want. I'll get it on my phone & respond.

[sophie274]

Hi honey,

 

I understand how hard it is. You're desperately looking for some kind of closure, trying to understand, trying to reconcile the person you thought he was with the way he's treating you (and has done in the past). I can see why you want answers, and why you want to talk to him ... but I don't think he has any answers to give you. There's no good explanation for what he's done, none. I know I've hated thinking about the awful things my ex has done to me since the break-up/that made me break up with him, because it makes me feel like an idiot and a fool and a weakling that I didn't see those things before, and that I loved him. When one of my friends tells me he's a jerk, I think "why didn't I see that, what about the sweet nice guy he was?". Don't feel that way. You were a great girlfriend I know, and you're not stupid for having loved him or loving him. But it would be a big mistake to continue this relationship now, now that you know what he's like, and that he won't hesitate to treat you terribly.

 

It's so hard. But believe all of us - he is terribly manipulative, and if not abusive, then he is messed up enough that you don't want to touch him with a ten foot pole. You CAN do this, you WILL move on from him, you WILL stop crying over him, if not today or tomorrow, then next week, and you WILL find someone lovely eventually. I KNOW you can do it, and I hope you know that that's what you deserve.

 

I think you need to get some rest. If you're having trouble sleeping, maybe a light sleep aid can help you fall asleep. And then tomorrow is a new day, without him. And it will be ok.

[miss_sunshine86]

hey blue

i cant sleep either

its 6.45am if youre still up say hello

 

[miss_sunshine86]

Wow blue

we are so similar.

My ex before him was abusive - hit me.

because he is so perfect when we're together (you know, picking me up, back rubs, no in person fights, ever), i really thought he was perfect, you know, apart from the fact he disappears and has been disappeared for 2 weeks.

now i cant seem to get over him but i guess i need to tell myself disappearing is abuse too

[Charis1978]

Blue the guy is a real arsehole. You deserve so much better. I ve been following ur thing bc it reminds me of my ex (except he wasnt as bad) This guy is toying with ur emotions and is just going to drive u nuts

[Charis1978]

is he bipolar? maybe he needs meds

[Charis1978]

Also I think you should leave him before he leaves you and never look back. I made the mistake of leaving feeling guilty and coming back just to be left and ignored. You will feel better if you leave. He might have an emotional problem. He might be a jerk. he might be the kind of person that runs away from conflict. Whatever the case his actions cause you a significant amount of distress. Do you really want to live like this the rest of your life.

[Siriana]

He is abusing you.

This is abuse.

That alone should you make feel angry enough to drop him.

You are dating an abuser, again.

[lavenderdove]

I once had a therapist/marriage counselor tell me when she first met a new couple she would be working with, if one partner was sitting there a total emotional wreck, upset, shaking, anxious, worried, unable to sleep etc., and the other partner was sitting there totally calm with an 'everything's fine' attitude, she always knew that the person who was acting crazy was doing so because the other supposedly calm partner was engaging in crazymaking behavior that was driving their partner over the edge.

 

You are going crazy over this because he is engaging in crazymaking behavior. He's totally in control of both you and the relationship, and keeping you a little bit crazy gives him lots of license. It's usually passive aggressive people who behave this way. He will push you to the edge, then while you're out there on the edge, he gets to say, look how crazy you are, then take a powder and run off and do what he wants (whether that is drugs, or infidelity, or just fooling around and ignoring all the pain he is causing those who care about him.

 

He's perfectly fine, but look at you! He's making you crazy by the way he is acting, while he's totally in control.

 

The reason you are so agitated is that your logical mind is telling you everything people here are telling you... that he's being selfish and abusive in his actions, and doesn't care if his absences/actions hurt other people. But your emotions are still hanging onto the hope that he is the person you first thought he was. You keep returning to that over and over, that you THOUGHT he was the one for you. But really, that initial assessment of him wasn't based on enough data. You now have enough experience to see who he really is, and to be honest, who he is is someone who intends to do exactly as he pleases without reference to how his behavior hurts other people and damages relationships.

 

So your emotional turmoil is because your logical brain is understanding that this is not working out, but emotionally, you are trying to hang onto the past or the hope that you will find the magic key that will turn this around and 'fix' him or fix the relationship. You are in great distress due to cognitive dissonance, which is basically a mismatch between your higher brain understanding that his behavior is wrong and the relationship is not working, and your lower emotional brain screaming out, 'but i want him and i'm scared to be alone!'

 

Therapists will also tell you when someone falls into this pattern, endlessly raking over minor events trying to uncover the mystical magical key that will tell them what is going on and how to fix or change the other person, the relationship is basically doomed because one person is hanging on a fantasy/hope that the other person will magically turn into the person they thought they were (but they aren't). You just can't change another person, and the only magical key there is is to recognize that, try really hard to align your perceptions/emotions with the reality of the situation.

 

The reality is that he IS a cold person if he can treat you this way and watch you emotionally suffering so much and just blow you off. he may be warm sometimes, but he is also this cold person too. You can't separate this person out, because it is who he is, and he is doing what he wants to do, and what he sees as right for himself. He is engaging in behavior that would make any partner crazy, but you're making yourself even more so by trying to hang onto him and the hope that he is your dream guy, when logic and reality keep pointing to the opposite.

 

You really need to step back from him, and stop trying to analyze his behavior. That is pointless, because you couldn't control his behavior even if you wanted to. All you can do is sit down and make a list of how you've changed since you've been with him... is it positive? I don't think it is. You may be happy 20% of the time, but more and more you are unhappy. Maybe you were happy 100% in the beginning, but that was based on your *hopes* for him, and some new love hormones you both had, not the reality of who he is. A good relationship and match builds you up and the primary hallmark is a sense of contentment and security, not fear, insecurity, anguish, anxiety, self doubt etc. So the relationship has slowly been settling into what it is without the new love rush, and what is it is making you severely anxious and unhappy.

 

So you need to work really hard on seeing who he really is, not who you hoped him to be. And you need to quit making excuses for him and blaming yourself. You need to heal yourself, and most people who have been in abusive relationships do need some counseling to understand the dynamic and help them get past the abuse and to learn healthy patterns. So your best bet here is to make an appointment with a counselor for your own sake.

 

btw, if you really want an explanation here, many selfish people will basically write off a relationship without a single look back once they make up their mind. they are all about themselves, and only care about other people when they are useful in some way. if he has replaced you, or decided that he's not getting what he wants from you, then he'll just walk away, with no more emotion than someone walks away from a sweater they decided not to buy. That's the hallmark of a selfish person.

 

And if he thinks his family will give him grief over dumping you because they like you, then he most likely will engineer it to make you the one who dumps him so he can say, 'she dumped me, not my fault'. So he will behave in an absolutely beastly way until you get sick of trying and dump him. Meanly, he's off in the background dating other women or whatever, just waiting for that moment for you to dump him and then he can say to his family, well, she dumped me so quit giving me grieve over that.

 

And i think these long absences of his are pretty clear. Either he is engaging in some behavior he knows you/his family won't approve of, like doing drugs, or he is starting a new relationship with another woman that he is interested in (or many women if he is shopping around). He's just biding his time being beastly to you until you dump him and he's off scot free.