Maintaining No Contact..help?

[orangetemple]

Last time I ignored him back he DID end up calling back in a week and coming over etc. So Im staying strong and havent text/called. I do want to talk to him at some point, but to end it.

 

I wish it was easy just to listen to my head and say 'buhbye' I wish I could control my emotions Im trying so HARD.

 

And thanks for sharing your story heartbroken. Its horrible isnt it?!

 

Why doesnt he just DUMP me ??? two word in a text would do me, and I'd be movin on.

 

 

You always give lots of great advice to people on here- with wisdom well beyond your years.

 

But this guy has so much power over you that your normal sense of reasoning aboit situations seems to vanish.

 

What advice would yopu give to someone in this situation?

 

I think you should break the pattern and take his behaviour as him dumping you, and *do nothing* Dump his stuff, dont answer his calls *becAuse he WILL call you* when he realises you arent *reacting * anymore.

 

Also I definitely think he is cheating

[orangetemple]

I think a lot of women, me included, need to realise that emotional abuse is the same without the swelling and scars. The same stuff goes through your head. That everything is your fault, not his.

[citymouse]

 

Also I definitely think he is cheating

 

 

Now that you mention it, this does sound a lot like cheating behavior.

 

I can't help but wonder if my own Houdini guy was or is having a fling on the side. He pulls close and then pulls away. Back and forth. Hmm.

[orangetemple]

I think the thing is that the guy is very attentive when he is with blue, as thoigh he is trying to make up for something - or thinking that attention will last through the week he disappears.

 

Its just a gut feeling, because there is such a pattern here. I mean is it possible that during the weeks he is with her the *other woman* is going through what blue is going through now??

[citymouse]

Its just a gut feeling, because there is such a pattern here. I mean is it possible that during the weeks he is with her the *other woman* is going through what blue is going through now??

 

You may be on to something.

 

He turns on the charm to the highest degree, he pours his affection all over her, because he knows he has to leave a lasting impression that will keep her dangling when he disappears again.

 

I've had this done to me many years ago by a serial cheater. He was very effective at manipulating me, and back in those days I spent hours driving myself crazy trying to make sense of his so-called "confusing" signals. It disgusts me now. That is why it is so hard to watch what Blue is going through.

[catfeeder]

Blue, how do you know 100% he has nothing to hide? He is hiding something if he disappears for days. No one just disappears for no good reason. Im sorry.[...]

 

Yep. If I were a betting girl, I'd put all my money on benders.

[orangetemple]

You may be on to something.

 

He turns on the charm to the highest degree, he pours his affection all over her, because he knows he has to leave a lasting impression that will keep her dangling when he disappears again.

 

I've had this done to me many years ago by a serial cheater. He was very effective at manipulating me, and back in those days I spent hours driving myself crazy trying to make sense of his so-called "confusing" signals. It disgusts me now. That is why it is so hard to watch what Blue is going through.

 

 

Yeah exactly- kind of leaving her in the afterglow, which is ironic given blues title...

[SapphireNoir10]

Thing is, he gave me a list of ALL his passwords for every account he has...I didnt ask he wanted to 'prove' I could trust him after the lying escapades. Not that i've ever looked, privacy much?

 

Hes never secretive about his phone

 

When I stayed there for the week...the guy hasnt even got internet, hes so busy with uni when would he find time?!

 

Also the week after he called me every night and day

 

BUT

 

That is NOT the issue here you guys are correct. Im going through the angry/sad phase. Thing is if you guys could be with him..hes lovely! He always has been as in when I've been with him for the last year.

 

Its like he forgets Im alive or something

 

ANYWAY I STILL havent text or called. Im not going too, I've packed up everything that reminds me of him and ditched it and the rest put in a bag to give him. Im also going out with friends the night hes supposed to be coming home.

[SapphireNoir10]

Trust me guys.

 

Deep down I know whats going on here

 

Its not cheating

 

Its emotionally manipulating me/playing games, its control.

[diamond78]

It doesn't even matter if he's cheating or not as he is causing a ton of hurt by neglecting you and leaving you to 'wonder' for all this time.

 

He can be hanging out having pizza with the guys...It doesn't matter. What matters is that he is causing you unnecessary drama and basically 'cheating' the relationship.

 

I know it's hard to let go and when someone shows you alot of good, then it makes it that much harder to want to let go. But I feel you are making the necessary first steps by not contacting him and packing up his stuff.

 

He will be back though and you should start to prepare yourself emotionally for his return. Will you be strong enough to walk away from him? It's time to build up that courage!

 

Good luck to you!

[SapphireNoir10]

Thats it

 

i'd call it 60/40 good to bad at the moment

 

when hes around he makes me feel wonderful, when hes not..arg

 

I forgave him for a lot

 

Im trying I really really am to let go

 

Easier said than done.

[waveseer]

I couldn't let go until I let myself get really angry and say everything I needed to say. Then I was done and not contacting seems much more natural.

[orangetemple]

He has given you *all* his passwords but why? Ask yourself why.

 

He is trying to prove he is trustworthy? Even more reason to believe he isnt trustworthy at all. And how do you know they are *all* of his accounts??

[SapphireNoir10]

Cos generally I trust the guy. He is shy and reserved etc etc

 

Also, cheating isnt my concern at the moment, its him dissapearing. he may be cheating

 

I just worry will I ever hear from him again...will I ever get closure

[waveseer]

Closure is what happens when you are completely satisfied with reality. It is your choice when this happens, entirely your choice.

[orangetemple]

Cos generally I trust the guy. He is shy and reserved etc etc

 

Also, cheating isnt my concern at the moment, its him dissapearing. he may be cheating

 

I just worry will I ever hear from him again...will I ever get closure

 

But you have said before that he lies. You cant trust that.

[WomanWriter]

I know. It just confuses me. Theres so many WHY's? Why be perfect one minute and be an idiot the next. Its such uneccessary behaviour. Theres no need. Its weird.

 

Its like hes throwing it away for fun...if he loved me he wouldnt do nothing would he?

 

That's what we all ask ourselves, Blue. I wondered the same thing. How can someone be so sweet and lovable for 7 years, then turn so cold...and when we were engaged? Acting like marrying me was a burden when he had been so excited about it for so long.

 

I don't know the answers to those questions, but I think you know what to do if you don't want to have him disrespect you anymore. If you keep taking it, he's just gonna keep doing it until he loses all respect and dumps YOU. Do it first.

[bigcream55]

It's obvious you will totally take him back the second he comes back. LOL

 

I'm like you. Everyone says "she's bad for you" , but they're not the ones who have to go through the heartbreak.

 

Even though I agree 100% this guy is bad news, I totally see where you're coming from about not letting go.

 

You cant change him.

[SapphireNoir10]

Just imagine though, you have the perfect weekend with your guy, its been fine for a while, his last text is how much he loves you...then nothing.

 

Its been since monday night and its now thursday afternoon, its literally killing me not hearing anything.

 

Why can't he be a man and just man up and say 'Look its over'

 

This is one of the longest so far.

[Ac143]

Just imagine though, you have the perfect weekend with your guy, its been fine for a while, his last text is how much he loves you...then nothing.

 

I have had those and when he disappeared all it did was piss me off big time, I would be so mad You on the other hand keep saying how great he is, not even a single angry thought. That anger made me break up with him & move on. You should try to do the same.

[metrogirl]

Blue, what are you going to do when he gets back?

 

Are you going to hand him the bag of his things and bid him farewell?

 

I'm leaning more towards you are going to sit there and listen to him lie to you AGAIN about where he has been, what he's been doing and why he couldn't contact you yet again. You will cry and then you will believe what he says and forgive him and then you will be right back here with virtually the same story in another weeks time.

 

When does your time for total happiness come? Because it's not fair to just feel happy when he's there with you and then you turn to mush when he's gone because he won't talk to you.

[doiiiieeezie]

It takes time for many to get the point. Personally, with this one, I'd say act like you have been happy without him, and ignore him when he does come around. Everyone here thinks that you will give him another chance, and you probably will. But make a statement now to him that either he changes his tune or he's gone. And how do you do that? By standing up and showing him that you mean what you say. Ignore the idiot, let him have a taste of his own medicine. Only then can you actually prove a point that you have been trying to make for a while.

[SapphireNoir10]

Oh jeeze,

 

His dad rang me saying he was worried cos he hadnt heard from him since monday

 

So, I said, no I havent

 

So hes called the police to go to his flat for a 'welfare check'

 

Now waiting to hear back

 

this is scary

[annie24]

i'm 99% positive that he's just fine. and deciding not to call anyone.

[diamond78]

Does his parents live long-distance from him as well?

 

And has he pulled the disappearing act with the parents before?

 

I pray that he is indeed safe....and if he is, then he really needs to stop this as it's causing a lot of worry and grief for his loved ones.

 

Hope all is well....Keep us updated!