SapphireNoir10 Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 Arg currently resisiting contacting someone who has stopped contacting me (yes the bf, big surprise, his usual weekly dissapearance) HOW do you stop yourself from texting all your hurt? How do you guys or did you guys make yourself not call or text? What are good things to think? Anyone else in no contact?!? I just dont get if someone wants to break up with you why not tell you? Why disappear?! The last text I got was how he couldnt wait to marry me....then hes ignoring me...WHAT?! I know his phones on etc is the worst part. Link to comment
Falling leaf Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 Arg currently resisiting contacting someone who has stopped contacting me (yes the bf, big surprise, his usual weekly dissapearance) HOW do you stop yourself from texting all your hurt? How do you guys or did you guys make yourself not call or text? What are good things to think? I tell myself the following: Anything I think I would ideally/ultimately like to get from texting him I probably will not get but will instead ensure that I do not get because what I would really want would be for him to want to connect with me. That has to come from him. It's discipline. Also, absence makes the heart grow fonder ... Men love mystery .... I don't know; all the other cliches I guess apply. Don't cave. He will probably respect you more if he has to work to get into contact with you. It's weird but true -- it's the law of scarcity and perceived value. Good luck. I'll be thinking warm NC thoughts for you to help you pull through! If telepathy even matters at all . . . P.S. Pardon the presumption, but if you haven't already, I think you need to express your needs to him coolly and calmly after he resumes contact with you. If your needs are consistently not being met in this relationship, I think you should value those needs enough to express them and then give him a chance to shape up (or you could end the relationship). Just thoughts. Link to comment
Ac143 Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 A good thing to think at this point is your strategy on how to break up with him as soon as he reappears. Blue you shouldnt deal with all this drama, he is unbelievable. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Share Posted November 10, 2009 Thank you. Every week he seems to disappear. I know he isnt cheating. I think hes angry because I wont move in and am not sure if this is it this time?!?!? Everytime I wonder...will I hear from him again? Why is he doing this? Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Share Posted November 10, 2009 I don't get why he keeps doing it. MAybe he wants me to end it. I text him saying 'Look contact me or its over' So its over I guess. Hes lied to my face recently about contact and he keeps dissapearing about six times now... Link to comment
doiiiieeezie Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 I submerged myself into watching the usual backup shows, spending time with family and talking to friends and taking walks. Any time I wanted to contact him, I told a male friend of mine who slapped me back into reality. I walked a lot in the beginning and l let go of any frustration/anger that I had. I simply told myself that I was not going to contact him at all and if he wanted to know about me, he knew how to reach me. If your bf vanished on you again and if this is a repeated offense, I would pull away after you talk to him about it, rationally. If he is lying about it, let it go, he isn't worth the worry and isn't taking you seriously. You two should be able to talk about things on equal ground. Link to comment
sophie274 Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 I find it so hard. Writing in a journal, as if to him, has really helped. It allows me to vent as much as I want. Posting on the "what do you want to say to your ex" thing here has helped as well. Deleting his phone number and turning my phone off so I can't just impulse text. Not signing onto any messaging service. Seeing as each day goes by that no matter what he says, he doesn't want to talk to me, because he has every opportunity to do, and doesn't. That's it: it's not like he doesn't have my number or e-mail, and he lives 5 minutes away ... he just doesn't want to talk. That breaks my heart, but also helps me not write to him. I don't need to be more pathetic than I already am. Trying not to think of him so I don't get sad ... that's a tough one. Something I've started doing is reciting poems to myself in my head whenever I think of him. It sounds insane, but one thing I found is that when I found him drifting into my thoughts, I would say to myself "sophie, think of something else, quick" and couldn't come up with anything. So I just started reciting these poems to myself, and I know them well so it's a reflex and automatic and I don't have to conjure up any thoughts, and sure enough it pushes him out of my mind. The repetitiveness also somehow calms me down. I'm sure this would work with anything you've memorized ... I've also recited the alphabet to myself. Anything to stop myself from going down the wallowing lane. Overall, keeping busy. Exercise helps work off the anger. Counting the days I've refrained from contacting him motivates me not to "break my streak". Link to comment
NEVEAH Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 I've read your other threads about this guy..and truthfully it sounds exhausting dealing with this. I know it's easier said than done, but I would break up with him ..and change all your contact info. This is IF you are serious about not dealing with his crap anymore. However due to your history I get get the feeling that a small part of you needs the drama and uncertainty....or you would have ditched this dud long ago. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Share Posted November 10, 2009 The worst part is, one side of me worries about him The rational side of me knows he'll either pop up with a crap excuse...I mean excuse me but their are pay phones/internet cafe's if his phone broken. Hes supposed to be spending a whole week with me next week (were in a LDR) I always freak because I wonder what If I never even get to speak to him again I really want to harden up Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Share Posted November 10, 2009 I've read your other threads about this guy..and truthfully it sounds exhausting dealing with this. I know it's easier said than done, but I would break up with him ..and change all your contact info. This is IF you are serious about not dealing with his crap anymore. However due to your history I get get the feeling that a small part of you needs to drama and uncertainty....or you would have ditched this dud long ago. I supposed because I've been in a physically/mentally abusive relationship before I often compare his behaviour to that and think 'he isnt that bad, lifes too short, I'll take him back' I dont enjoy the drama at all. I love him, and am reluctant to let him go because of the good times. Link to comment
sophie274 Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 I don't get why he keeps doing it. MAybe he wants me to end it. I text him saying 'Look contact me or its over' So its over I guess. Hes lied to my face recently about contact and he keeps dissapearing about six times now... Who knows? I think that can be the hardest part about break-ups: why is he doing this, why is he doing that. And the worst, the question I ask myself every day - why didn't/couldn't he love me enough to do x/y? But he probably doesn't even know himself why he does it, only he is too weak/cowardly to stop it. He knows how to fix this problem, but for some reason (anxiety, shame, not caring ?) he's not doing it. I think that's all you really need to know. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Share Posted November 10, 2009 Exactly I dont want to force him to contact me. I wish he would because he didnt want me to be sat here worried etc. Hes seen me sobbing my eyes out over him hurting me before by lying/dissapearing. After seeing me so sad...how does he do it again and again? Thats like...hurting me on purpose. For nothing. Link to comment
avman Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 Take charge. Tell HIM it's over. Don't sit and wait for him to screw with your head some more. For Gods sake you deserve better Blue. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Share Posted November 10, 2009 I KNOW I do. I really do. At this point I dont feel hurt or sad...it's like I expect it. Its not right I almost have a heart attack every time my phone goes off hoping its him. Im no saint in this relationship, but I dont deserve to be ignored. He knows its the one thing I can't stand. I've said Its over so many times because of this he doesnt take it seriously Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Share Posted November 10, 2009 His last text was about how much he loved me and had been looking at engagement rings...and now hes ignoring me...I DONT get it. In person. Hes so sweet and affectionate. I dont get this at all its like hes split personality. Link to comment
avman Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 I KNOW I do. I really do. At this point I dont feel hurt or sad...it's like I expect it. Its not right I almost have a heart attack every time my phone goes off hoping its him. Im no saint in this relationship, but I dont deserve to be ignored. He knows its the one thing I can't stand. Ok, then what are you willing to do about it? What are you going to do to stop the pain? We all know what he's going to do. Because he's going to do nothing just like he always does. This is up to you to choose to go down a new path in your life and towards healthier relationships. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Share Posted November 10, 2009 I know. It just confuses me. Theres so many WHY's? Why be perfect one minute and be an idiot the next. Its such uneccessary behaviour. Theres no need. Its weird. Its like hes throwing it away for fun...if he loved me he wouldnt do nothing would he? Link to comment
avman Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 This is who he is. As I've told you before. This isn't going to change. Ever. No confusion here Blue. It's been pretty unanimous from the people trying to steer you away from this guy. These behaviors are the real him. You keep saying how sweet and wonderful he is, except of course for the nearly weekly instances of him tearing you down by deliberately ignoring you. That doesn't sound sweet and wonderful to me. It sounds childish and manipulative at best. Controlling and passive-aggressive at worst. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Share Posted November 10, 2009 I think its all because from the start hes wanted me to move in and I wont...so I get this. Thing is this weekend we went on a date, had a fantastic time... WHY do people do this?!?! Link to comment
NEVEAH Posted November 10, 2009 Share Posted November 10, 2009 I think it's like Avman said. THIS is who he IS. Who he "might be" or what he "could be" does NOT matter because who he is RIGHT NOW is what is hurting you.The why's don't matter. The fact that is IS is enough. And I say...ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. Take control of the situation and of YOUR life. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 I once had a Bf who did this, and a funny thing happened. The hardest struggle for me was everyone pushing me to break up with him, but then I thought, "Why should I put myself through this?" So I stopped. Something clicked in me, and I just shut him out of my world. When he eventually called me, I didn't say a word about it. I just said, "Hi, how are you doing?" He was unprepared for that--I just let him stammer around and try to sound normal--he rambled a bit, and when he asked to come over, I just said, "No, it's not a good time. I'll talk to you soon, I've got to go." He started phoning a lot, and I'd just let it go to voicemail. When he showed up at my door, I just said, "I can't see you now, I'm on my way out." He threw a fit. I didn't buy into it. I just kept answering, "There's nothing to talk about." I grabbed my keys, got in my car and drove away. I can't say I actually gained any pleasure out of never letting him off the hook--I was just determined that the thing was over, but I wasn't going to be the one forced to say it. As far as I was concerned, his absence said it all for both of us, and I was done. All the drama he put himself through after that was his own problem--it wasn't even interesting to me anymore. In your corner. Link to comment
atelis Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 every time that you get the urge to contact him, you should consciously tell yourself that to do so means you don't value yourself very highly, because in effect that is the reality of it if you were to contact him. Link to comment
annie24 Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 Take charge. Tell HIM it's over. Don't sit and wait for him to screw with your head some more. For Gods sake you deserve better Blue. totally agree. this guy is shady. like you said yourself, if his phone is broken or out of minutes, he can easily send you an email or call you from a friend's phone. i would let someone use my phone if theirs was broken for sure. and if my phone was broken, i would let my bf know that ASAP so he wouldn't worry or think i was blowing him off. anyways, this guy is up to no good, whatever it is. i do agree, maybe it's time for you to break it off for good. what you are describing is totally unacceptable in a relationship. ok, he's not hitting you, but what he's doing to you is hurting you time after time. and THAT, my friend, is an abusive relationship as well. Link to comment
NEVEAH Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 This is awesome. Good for YOU CF. I think BFG could benefit from this advice. Link to comment
annie24 Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 brava, catfeeder. Brava. Link to comment
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