dopaminefiend7 Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 so remember the last thing i sent him was that stupid letter that did not convey the right message i wanted it to to...that was about a month ago then i sent him this funny youtube video on his myspace and said hope ull enjoy this as much as i did sir...no response AGAIN....today he updated his status and it was very happy and uplifting.."Life is good when you are true to thine ownself"...GOD I MISS HIM...so of course here i am staring at his number and i even picked up the phone and got as far to hear the dial tone...and i chicken out EVERY time...im sooo scared hes going to be like yea what do YOU want?? didnt ya get the hint when I didnt respond to you???i figure if he hated me he would have deleted me by now or my comments from his page...any ideas on what to say guys please help meeeeeeee Link to comment
fixyou_ Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 I agree, he has every right not to want to talk to you. You know that's the truth. Link to comment
LillyLooWho Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Let's see...as the dumper, you really are the one who ideally makes the contact versus the dumpee contacting you. I know a lot of us dumpees contact the ex but we all hope that our dumpers contact us, well at least I do. What his response will be is anybody's guess. He could be mean. He could be angry. He could be mean and angry. But..... he could be happy to hear from you. Or he could be hesistant and distant but still happy to hear from you underneath. If you reach out to him, then you need to be prepared to hear something you don't want to hear. So psych up for the worst case scenario. Then if it goes badly you can say "well I thought it would go badly and it did". Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. I know that NC helps to heal and move on, but a lot of people don't want to be in imposed silence with their ex. Wouldn't you feel worse if you didn't call him and then ten years from now you thought to yourself "I wonder what would have happened if..."? All that can happen is rejection. We've all had that and we're all still here. Only you know if it is worth the risk to put yourself out there. I personally think it is worth the risk, unless he abused you in some way in which case I say, try not to open that up again, but again, only you know all the specifics. I wish you much luck. Link to comment
Singler Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 don't do it wait a while.... please listen... Link to comment
dopaminefiend7 Posted October 7, 2009 Author Share Posted October 7, 2009 don't do it wait a while.... please listen... singler why the persistence to continue NC? what are ur thoughts Link to comment
vertigoxo Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Who knows. Maybe your ex is still very much angry at you. Maybe your ex still has way too much feelings to reply. Maybe your ex has a new beau in his life. There a lot of reasons so we can't assume things. Right now, just leave him alone. Let him come to you on his own terms. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 It's interesting, posters on here telling the OP not to contact his/her dumpee. Then yet when a dumpee comes online asking if he/she should contact the DUMPER, people here tell him/her to wait for the DUMPER to contact them. What a contradiction. Dang! Link to comment
doiiiieeezie Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 It's interesting, posters on here telling the OP not to contact his/her dumpee. Then yet when a dumpee comes online asking if he/she should contact the DUMPER, people here tell him/her to wait for the DUMPER to contact them. What a contradiction. Dang! LOL... the blanket advice on ENA. As I mentioned, I had a feeling he would not respond. I wouldn't have responded to an email like that if my ex sent it to me. No offense, but you kind of seem all over the place with him. OP... get your act straight... what do you really want? If you want to contact him... call him... send another email but know what you want. Be fair to your dumpee and don't give him mixed signals. Step back a bit and develop a solid game plan... it's the same way on either side.... Link to comment
abitbroken Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Sometimes I can't help but think writing "the letter with all your feelings in it" when you dump someone or after you dump someone is occasionally a letter that shouldn't be sent. It should absolutely be written, but if you plan on wanting to make contact with them, its sometimes a be all and end all. I got one from my ex, and it was prefaced with "i'm not as angry as I was when i wrote this...but here is what i wrote". and it was quite seering. That being said, I think that my advice as someone who was dumped by letter, that sending the youtube video is probably unwelcome contact. Your ex is probably still hurting. It is possible that you are not as much only for the fact as the dumper, you thought about dumping him way before you did it so had a leg up on the reality of it. I have a feeling when you say the letter didn't come accross like you wanted it, that it said exactly what you wanted - you just got a different reaction from him than you hoped. Maybe you wanted the letter to be a wake up call to him via a threatened dump, or maybe you wanted to break up with him to be friends. I really think the folks that are saying not to contact him have it right. if you pester him and pester him, he is just going to be irritated. Just consider any chance at being friends with him as shot. If you REALLY want to make meaningful contact with him, don't send him jokes or youtube videos. be real and come clean and tell him straight out that you want to meet with him. Tell him that the letter didn't come accross like you wanted it and want a chance to explain yourself. But don't just sit there and poke him. If the letter is exactly what you wanted to say or felt and you are just arguing over semantics than don't bother. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 It's interesting, posters on here telling the OP not to contact his/her dumpee. Then yet when a dumpee comes online asking if he/she should contact the DUMPER, people here tell him/her to wait for the DUMPER to contact them. What a contradiction. Dang! I think we can only give advice to the party that is here. Well, normally yes - I would say that the dumper should make contact especially if the dumper feels that they made a mistake or wants the person back. Of course, there is no guarantee that the dumpee will want them back. I guess it more has to do is extending the olive branch - making amends, etc. But if the dumper intended to dump and is just wanting to make sure that the dumpee knows that they didn't mean it to hurt that bad, then that is different. That might be just throwing salt in the wound. For something like that, sometimes the passage of time has to happen. Link to comment
LillyLooWho Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 I think we can only give advice to the party that is here. Well, normally yes - I would say that the dumper should make contact especially if the dumper feels that they made a mistake or wants the person back. Of course, there is no guarantee that the dumpee will want them back. I guess it more has to do is extending the olive branch - making amends, etc. But if the dumper intended to dump and is just wanting to make sure that the dumpee knows that they didn't mean it to hurt that bad, then that is different. That might be just throwing salt in the wound. For something like that, sometimes the passage of time has to happen. Well said. Link to comment
Intelek Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Ditto, Only justify reason for dumper to outreach dumpee is if they want them back. No dumpee wants to be tortured by the dumper saying "I miss you but its better to be friends". Link to comment
dopaminefiend7 Posted October 7, 2009 Author Share Posted October 7, 2009 Ditto, Only justify reason for dumper to outreach dumpee is if they want them back. No dumpee wants to be tortured by the dumper saying "I miss you but its better to be friends". i dont just want to be friends.....i DO want him back...i DO feel like i made a mistake...and i hate that on here just because i am a dumper i am perceived as the bad guy...i get that the majority of the people on here are dumpee's but i AM NOT YOUR DUMPER so please dont give me advice if you are merely projecting your feelings about your own situation onto me...i know i made a mistake and am trying to make the right decision here by checking in with you guys before i make any moves...if you are truly trying to help me please tell me your thoughts other than that just ignore this Link to comment
AutumnBorn Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Interesting. You go NC and he goes NC. You want him back and you've made a couple of efforts. Now, you have to make the call. The advice here is don't respond unless and until it's the message you (the dumpee) wants to hear. You're either not communicating well or he's moved on. Either way, you've got to find out. I say, make the call, but do it with the expectation that it's not going to be a positive experience. I'd also do it when you have plenty of time, have no distractions, and aren't emotional. Don't do it on impulse. Do it with deliberation and be prepared to listen. If he needs to vent, let him vent. If he's angry, tell him you understand. If he doesn't blow you off or hang up, I think you'll do fine as long as you don't blow it by accusing, complaining, whining, or otherwise making him sorry you did call. Good luck. Link to comment
brokenheart311 Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 To sum up my thoughts here; great things cannot happen if risk isn't taken, however heartbreak can also follow. So, to you OP, is it more heartbreaking now to know you didn't say what you really feel thus possibly losing him for good? or would it hurt more to know that you put it all out there and either got what you want (or possibly know he's gone)? I know if my ex sent your original message it would have received the following reply, if any at all "ok, thanks, but I'm not interested in being "friends" I went into "us" with you knowing i wasn't looking for a friend, have a nice life". Just my point of view as a dumpee. Do with it as you will. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 i dont just want to be friends.....i DO want him back...i DO feel like i made a mistake...and i hate that on here just because i am a dumper i am perceived as the bad guy...i get that the majority of the people on here are dumpee's but i AM NOT YOUR DUMPER so please dont give me advice if you are merely projecting your feelings about your own situation onto me...i know i made a mistake and am trying to make the right decision here by checking in with you guys before i make any moves...if you are truly trying to help me please tell me your thoughts other than that just ignore this I don't think anyone is projecting their feelings. It just was not clear to us what you wanted, or what your goal in contacting him was. It just seemed that you didn't like how the letter turned out and you were sending him random communications. If you want him back, I would cut to the chase and tell him that you want to meet with him, that you made a big mistake - but if you want to be with him for real, you have to also not ignore what he is saying to you too. Because you wrote what you wrote, you need to approach it that its not just about your feelings but now its about his too. If he is telling you to back off, or that he doesn't want to talk to you, give him some space. No youtube videos, jokes, email forwards either. I still think that you need to lay off of him for a short bit . Other advice was given on maybe you need to sort things out. The clearer you are about things, the better it will be because nothing you say will be misinterpreted when the time comes, and not be perceived as playing games. you will have your own piece of mind. Maybe in this time, review what led you to write what you wrote. Are you wanting him back because he's not right for you, but it would hurt for him not to be in your life somehow and you were hoping he would be cool with it, or were you going through a confusing time? Were you dumping him not because you wanted to dump him but because you wanted him to change and thought it would do the trick? Now that you have a break - really think about everything you really feel. Link to comment
JewelsInTx Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 I say go for it. I know as a dumpee I was excited to hear from him. Here was my chance to show him that I doing great and to show him that I could live without him. I knew he was nervous because it is hard to make that step. You never know how the other person will react. Maybe I was too easy but our break up wasn't ugly. He needed space and some room for personal growth and in hindsight I did too. * He has made an effort and we have gone out three times in the last couple of weeks. It has been casual and it feels fresh without any resentments. It is still scary for me as a dumpee but I'm trying to not hold the past against him as I hope he wouldn't hold my past against me. I just wanted to share my story. * If you really want him, then you wouldn't let pride get the way. I hope he is welcoming to you. * Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 no response AGAIN ....today he updated his status and it was very happy and uplifting.."Life is good when you are true to thine ownself"... I think the above is plenty good reason NOT to contact him again. It seems he's moved on and is happy with his decision. Also, the fact that he doesn't respond to you, pretty much says it all. Let it go and move on. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 You broke up with him based on your fears that he was distancing himself from you again and was going to disappear without explanation like he did previously. Both of you have serious communication issues that never got sorted out even after spending a year apart. Even your letter to make amends talked about being "FREINDS". Then your subsequent correspondence with him just promoted the friendship angle rather than trying to get back together. In other words, as the dumper, you keep playing it safe rather than putting your heart out there. Now he may very well have been ready to dump you...or maybe not...but you will now never know since you dumped him first and have made no effort to actually tell him you made a mistake by dumping him and want to reconcile the relationship. You are playing it safe by using the "friends" tactic and, as a typical dumpee who knows enough not to get roped into limbo land, he is ignoring your plea for "friendship" if what he really wanted was a relationship with you. So either you are going to have to step up to the plate and spell out plainly and clearly that you made a mistake and want to rebuild the relationship (not friendship but an actual romantic relationship) thus taking the risk of being rejected but at least you know that you did everything possible to rectify your mistake....or you can choose to do nothing and let it go. Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 It's interesting, posters on here telling the OP not to contact his/her dumpee. Then yet when a dumpee comes online asking if he/she should contact the DUMPER, people here tell him/her to wait for the DUMPER to contact them. What a contradiction. Dang! If you leave it to conventional wisdom here, no one should ever communicate with anyone under any circumstances. To the original poster: I think you should contact him, but it's a matter of when. You have to think hard about whether enough time has passed for you both to have ramped-down your emotions, which is in both your interests. If in doubt, give it some more time. Link to comment
dopaminefiend7 Posted October 7, 2009 Author Share Posted October 7, 2009 well guys for the first time in about a month we were online at the same time...so i IMed him..."hey cheeto how are you...." no response........"alright well i hope all is well...take it easy" no response.....OUCH..... Link to comment
monkeygirl12 Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 well do you want to know why he didnt respond ..BECAUSE YOU ARE STILL NOT COMMUNICATING WHAT YOU WANT.. saying hello? ok, hes thinkin "this chick dumps me and then expects me to be all nice and friendly with her" Thats why no response. if you trully wanted him back and missed him you would have said. "Hey, I miss you. I made a mistake and want to meet with you, if you're up to it let me know" Link to comment
Yuna Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 well do you want to know why he didnt respond ..BECAUSE YOU ARE STILL NOT COMMUNICATING WHAT YOU WANT.. saying hello? ok, hes thinkin "this chick dumps me and then expects me to be all nice and friendly with her" Thats why no response. if you trully wanted him back and missed him you would have said. "Hey, I miss you. I made a mistake and want to meet with you, if you're up to it let me know" Couldn't agree more. Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 well do you want to know why he didnt respond ..BECAUSE YOU ARE STILL NOT COMMUNICATING WHAT YOU WANT.. saying hello? ok, hes thinkin "this chick dumps me and then expects me to be all nice and friendly with her" Thats why no response. if you trully wanted him back and missed him you would have said. "Hey, I miss you. I made a mistake and want to meet with you, if you're up to it let me know" I almost agree, but she shouldn't tip her hand so far. Let's not concede it's been a full-blown "mistake," not quite yet. Maybe this .... "Hey you [Cheeto?], I'm sorry about the way things happened, and I really want to meet up talk about it. Please hit me back." 'Course if he's all pissed off (and I can see how he might me), it still might not work. (See earlier reference to "ramping down emotions.") Link to comment
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