brokenheart311

wow, this is pretty heartless. Pretty obvious that she's trying to illicit some sort of negative response from you. Some people can't fathom that their exes will be ok without them. Good for you it's over man.

nc day 97! since break up day 167!!! I might see her tomorrow night. I have been invited to a mutual friend's surprise b-day bash. I told friend's wife that I would show up after work, she said she didn't know if ex would be there or not....I told her it didn't matter to me if she was or wasn't. Still not sure about if I am ready or want to see her again. It would be pretty crushing if we both showed up and she brought a new guy (I have no idea about her relationship status). I guess I'll make my final decision about attendance tomorrow night...of I show up and her car is there and I have a bad feeling in my gut I'll just go on home and text friend that I have a test to study for and need to not go out. (not a lie, but I have tonight and some of tomorrow to study already).

AW crap!!!! I just realized that ex works at a restaurant that is my friend on FB. Don't know for sure if she has access to their account, but wouldn't surprise me since she is friends with the manager and owner. Oh well, really the only thing she'll see is that i have a friend who has been flirting with me like mad. Could be why our mutual friend was suddenly asking who this woman is that's always commenting on everything I do. Ex asking friend for info on me? Possible.

Particularly rough day today. In two days it will be 5 months since the demise of our future as it were to be. Today I went and ran in a 5k race, we ran this same race together last year, and I was filled with sadness when I pulled into the parking lot, filled with sadness when I left and unfortunately the drive home took me past many locations that were pivotal locations in the beginning of our relationship. I've hadf my headphones on while cleaning for the past two hours and she won't get the * * * * out of my head. Ther is no chance I'll break NC as this juncture, i just need to vent. Heart fills like is going to burst today, and not in that good way.

Over day 70, maybe even 80 of NC and around 140-150days since breakup. SO about a week and a half ago i thought it was strange that ex gave our mutual friend some stuff I hadn't even asked for to give to me, but kept other items that I have specifically requested be returned to me. thought it was strange that she was putting our friend in the middle of us and it felt like ex was saying "hey, remember me? I still think about you here is some stuff, but I'm keeping some". Other friends who know my situation thinks maybe she was trying to get me to contact her to thank her for returning my stuff. Sorry, not gonna break NC for such a weak, ambiguous hint. About 2 or 3 weeks ago a woman who I went to grade and high school with added me on FB. She left several posts about how great I look and so on. Now every time I post anything she makes numerous comments. I put up a pic a few weeks ago of the tat I got on my upper arm this summer, the only thing visible is my arm and my lips (since I'm looking down at my arm in the pic). Well this old friend sends me a message that says " the tat looks so great, your arms look great.....and your lips look so hot I just figured I had to tell you that !" So today I'm running with the mutual friend(she's a friend on FB) of my ex(she is not) and me. After a few minutes out of nowhere she says "so, who is (name of friend from school)? She has a comment for everything you post and you've never mentioned her to me." I tell her she and old friend from school and I think maybe she has a crush on me. she asks why I think friend has a crush and I tell her about the "hot lips" message. She kinda gives this nervous laugh and says "hmmm." end of subject. So a few hours later my mind wanders to that conversation and I was wondering why she brought it up. I know running partner isn't jealous, she's happily married to someone I consider a friend. Then it hits me, mutual friend meets with ex several times a week for coffee and study time and she always takes her laptop and posts while she's there. I'm thinking that either mutual friend is trying to make sure I'm not dating anyone but ex, or ex saw my FB page on her computer and was wondering who this new friend is herself. either way, it's nice knowing that people are suddenly prying into my life when it looks like another woman is obviously interested. As to why I wondered why mutual friend brought it up is because I work with several women who are really good friends to me, especially through the breakup, and are also friends on FB, but they haven't asked who this new mystery woman is on my page. i only came to these conclusions in light of those facts.

thank you Zabeth09. Day 148 since breakup Day 74 of NC Officially there has been no contact for half of the total time we've been apart. At the moment everything is ok, I've been sick and I'm starting to feel better. On the way to work I listened to the song Run by snow Patrol and when the lyrics came on" "To think I might not see those eyes Makes it so hard not to cry And as we say our long goodbye I nearly do" I was singing along, i thought about how lovingly she used to look at me with her brown eyes and how great she made "I love you" sound. I choked and teared up and doing so again since I'm thinking about it. * * * * , i thought I was waay past this.

Day 146 since break up. Day 72 since last contact. I'm not sad, I'm not happy, I'm indifferent. Part of me wants to reach out but the majority of me still wants to hold back. 2 weeks ago I returned to our church, I came in late and left as soon as it was over so tha tI wouldn't even accidentally have contact with her. I went back again this week and she didn't go (which is fine because I'm not going there to see her). After church one of our mutual friends was like "you need to come have lunch with us today please." SO I went and ended up sitting acorss from this girl that I don't really know but has become close friends with my ex in the past few months. A little awkward, since I knew that this friend of ex would likely report on everything said. I was just my usual happy go lucky self and was kind to this woman that is my ex's friend and joked with her a little bit. Overall a good time and good day. Yesterday I met up with our mutual friend to run (this friend and I do this regularly). Before we went running she handed me a walmart bag and says "Heather found these things and wanted you to have them", it was my HS class ring and a watch I had received for graduation, they where in her jewelry box. I had realized she had these things a few months ago, but was in NC and just let it lie. The thing is now, is that I've been thinkning about her for the past 24 hours. I don't know why she got our friend in the middle as a go between. I almost feel like since she sent this stuff she wants to make sure that she is still in my mind without her actually contacting me since I haven't contacted her. She still has more stuff of mine that she knows I want back (she knows because I mentioned the GnR cds numerous times before this prolonged NC) and I never mentioned these other items, only after she was long gone did it hit me. I'm still not going to break NC from my end, part of me wants to thank her, but part of me wants to call her immature for basically sending a messenger. Right now I'm kinda dating someone else and don't even think I want ex back, at least anytime soon...... Haha and just now one of her best friends (who is only an aquaintance of mine) has just walked in to my work. Effed up relationships.....pffff

I have stopped counting days of NC, it just doesn't matter to me now. Maybe i shouldn't even be posting here, because I don't want her back anymore. I have had 4 amazing evenings in a row (emotionally) now. 2-3 hour phone conversations with the new girl every night 4 days in a row. Going out this Friday and I think she's planning on spending the night, she lives 45 minutes away and the comedy club we're going to doesn't start until 10:30 PM. I told her that she was more than welcome to sleep with me, but would leave that decision to her since we are just starting to date. So yeah I guess I post here as a sort of success story, I didn't get the ex back, but NC has allowed me to heal and let go so I could open up to this new relationship that has a lot of potential. now it's time to realize that potential. I know for a lot of you NC feels so hard, but it's so easy to do all you have to do is not dial there number or email them. It hurts for a long time, but then one day something snaps and life is good again.

Thanks Coolchick, The new girl and I talked on the phone again for another 2.5 hours. I can't wait until Friday. Stick in there yourself and things will eventually get better. For some reason letting go of hope for reconciliation has been the best thing for me. I'll have to talk to the ex again someday to get my class ring and some cds back, but knowing those are the only expectations I have feels great!

Day- whatever, it doesn't even matter to me anymore. Even though talking to our mutual friend Friday moring tore me up for a little while hearing that ex is happy without me must have been what I needed. I'll explain; I had been on link removed for several months and dated 3 different women and even during the initial stages of messaging back and forth I compared them to my ex, thus I lost interest quickly and if i didn't it was a recipe for more Heartache. Well the Friday evening a new woman started messaging me, we ended up talking on IM for three or for hours. Honestly one of the best convos over the internet for me ever. Our ideals seemed to match up so I asked for her number. Yesterday we ended up texting back and forth all day and by 4pm she insinuated that she wanted to go out with me next Friday and I told her that we would meet up after I get off work. The texting continued throughout the evening while I was at a BBQ. When I finally was headed home at 11PM I called her to say goodnight and we talked for almost four hours. We had such an honest and open exchange that i can tell that we are both feeling the beginning of something for each other. We talked about our even talked about our exes, turns out we both had relationships end at about the same time, we've both dated others since and now it seems that we are finding somone who has the same relationship ideals as the other. I'm on top of the world today with the prospect of going out with this amazing woman on friday. I know nothing long term may come of it, but I already feel so comfortable talking to her that I think we are set up for a great start. From the depths of distress to being tapped on the shoulder by someone who seems really great. It has been a goood 48 hours.

Wow, you seem like a pretty great person CC64! Funny how the universe works out. Just found out that my ex works at the restaurant that I have planned to go to for happy hour tonight with some friends, and these plans have been in the works for weeks. Thought about not goin, but hopefully she just isn't working tonight. If she ends up being our waitress I'll request a different server, but if she notices me come in hopefully she'll just ignore the area.

Thank you for your encouragement Coolchick64. WHat you say about her not confiding in our mutual friend you are more than likely 100% correct. My ex has be friends with this person for a couple of years longer, but over the past year me and the friend have gotten close since we started running together a few times a week. Our friend was caught completely off guard by my ex's decision to break up because all along my ex was telling her how happy and contented she was being with me. I really am trying to move on and most days are better than the previous one. I know eventually that I will find someone who can be honest about her feelings, mean it when she accepts a marriage proposal and not just run away when shee has the slightest doubt. As for my dark thoughts, I do get them from time to time, but I quash them pretty quickly. Overall I actually am a happy person, with work, school, friends, family.

Still in NC, don't care enough to count it up right now. I've been running with a mutual friend of both mine and my ex's. I did great for months not asking about my ex, but for some reason today after our I run I asked how ex was doing. She said that ex is still waitong for a school to call her back and give her a job (schools around here either started this week or last). I asked if ex was happy ad my friend said "yes, she's happy". I don't know why I said it but I then I said "She's happy without me around, that's great, she's happy, i guess that's all I could ask for her. I guess if I never see her again at least she's happy." My friend could see the pain in my eyes and I just turned and walked off and she said "I feel sad", I couldn't turn back and said "have a good weekend". I feel like I really * * * * ed up, I hope the friend doesn't go back and tell exx I asked how she was doing. In the next few minutes after leaving my friend I wantd to go walk out into traffic, go into the restroom and slice my throatt with a shard from the mirror. This was about 45 minutes ago. I guess it's a good thing that those were just fleeting thoughts, but * * * * man, just hearing she's happy totally * * * * ed up my endorphin high from the run.

Broken up 124 days, 50 days of NC from either side. Early on she kept LC with me and I only replied if there was something that couldn't be avoided, her picking up mail, moving her stuff etc. During these 50 days I haven't been to our church services since it's such a small congregation. On Sept. 13th I'll return which will be 149 days since split and 75 days of NC. That way we will have been in NC for more than half of the total time. I won't approach her at church but it's likely that her son may try to sit with me. I miss church and feel that I need to back there soon regardless of what goes on between us.

Very early beginning of day 44 of NC and 111 since break up. Actually tonight marks 15 weeks since the official breakup. Almost 4 months, over a quarter of the year and I still feel like * * * * . I was actually doing pretty decent for a few days. A little while ago as i was about to get in bed I just got really pissed off. My dogs peed in the bed and as i was stripping the sheets to put in the washer I was saying "I should just get rid of you guys. Heather is the one who wanted you, she never loved you, she never loved me. * * * * ing * * * * * !!! How could she do this, why does she love us one minute and then nothing?" I know dogs can't understand what we are saying, but they can pick up our tones. I felt bad for saying those things about my dogs, i love them and there have been times where i've been sad and crying and they come up and put the heads in my lap like they are trying to comfort me. I broke my guitar out again recently and am trying to make it a habit to practice at least 30 minutes per day. Slowly getting better. I was playing Jewel's "you were meant for me" the other day and it was really emotional. I have also written two songs. and by written I mena I've put lyrics down on paper and strummed chords to go with my singing. One is called "right now", it about looking for answers, and the other is called " I was wrong" and it's about trusting my heart to the wrong person. I wish there was a definitive way just to push somebody out of your mind and heart. NC only seems to be working with a minimal amount of success. I don't talk about her to my family or our mutual friends anymore. I don't post here that often about her just in case in makes me dwell upon her. now I just post about her when I've either had a success of not feeling badly (rare) or when it becomes so overwhelming (like now) wher e I feel like cutting my heart of my chest so that I don't have to feel her in me anymore. I wish I could stick a probe in my brain and fry the particular cells that hold her in my memory. Why can't it be as easy as deleting files. Two other times in my life I have lost someone I "thought" i was in love with. the first time I broke up with her because I knew we were too different and if I let it go longer it would have ended badly. It broke my heart to do but i was over it within a few week, thus maybe it wasn't true love. The second time I started dating around a month after the breakup and still hurt up until the 2 month point. that is when I met my current ex, instantly the hurt was gone, so again maybe I wasn't truly in love then either? This time I started dating 6 weeks post breakup. 3 different women with one lasting 6 dates over 3.5 weeks. I ended that because I could not stop thinking about my ex. I ended things with the last girl 3.5 weeks ago and haven't looked back, but I still think about/cry about/yearn for my ex. Why is this so hard? Is this who I'm supposed to be with and my heart won't let me throw it away? When will my heart decide that enough is enough and stop hurting? Maybe after I fall asleep tonight?