question to those who have considered being unfaithful.

[90_hour_sleep]

i'm good friends with a couple, and i'm beginning to become aware of troubles within their marriage. the guy is severely depressed...on a wide assortment of meds. he has social anxiety as well...which is obviously a part of the depression. there are four kids, and life just seems completely overwhelming. the girl is having difficulty dealing with everything. she doesn't feel like she has any support. her inlaws are always concerned with her husband, but rarely take the time to really see how she's doing. she really doesn't have anyone to turn to. her own family has essentially abandoned her. she has a few close friends, but most of them are turning her towards solutions that scare her. with everything that's going on...she's found herself looking for excitement somewhere (i'm not sure that's the right word). she needs something that her husband just isn't able to give her. she needs that intimacy.

 

she's beginning to scare herself...unsure how much longer she'll be able to keep the temptation at bay. so the question is...is there anyone out there that has a solution to this problem? i've tried to talk to her...offered her my own support...but she seems totally consumed by her own desires. i'm wondering about marriage counselling. i'd like to think they could fit it into their lives...but she seems convinced that she really just ended up with the wrong person. it's heartbreaking. i can see her walking into a huge mistake at some point. i'm not sure what kind of toll that would take on the family.

 

how do you deal with that? i'm not sure it's my place, but they're good friends.

 

how do you work through something like that? there seems to be so much brewing beneath the surface. seems inevitable that sh** is going to hit the fan sooner or later. how do you build intimacy and trust with someone who is severely depressed?

[SapphireNoir10]

I'd say to her,

 

Either get marriage counselling or individual counselling and work on the relationship

 

Or walk away, get a divorce, heal, and then find intimacy when shes ready for a happy healthy new relationship.

[90_hour_sleep]

even with four young children?

 

she said she's worried about where she's going to be in 10 years. will she regret where she's been? who knows.

 

i see great potential in the situation...in terms of their marriage. now that the bliss of having children has passed...they seem to be coming back to reality. i'm not sure a new person would truly make her happy. it just seems like such a destructive situation. makes me feel a little sick.

 

i think you may be right. a good counsellor can help them find honesty between each other. would hopefully help them to find more security with each other...to find complete trust.

[SapphireNoir10]

Do you mean leave him despite the kids? I think yeah, if she exhausted every possible option she had to fix it and it still didnt work it'd be best for her/the kids if they left instead of being in an unhappy situation

 

But I agree with you they should try so hard to work on the marriage and they havent tried everything. I'd just remind her that finding the intimacy elsewhere will make it all harder/more difficult.

[90_hour_sleep]

Do you mean leave him despite the kids? I think yeah, if she exhausted every possible option she had to fix it and it still didnt work it'd be best for her/the kids if they left instead of being in an unhappy situation

 

But I agree with you they should try so hard to work on the marriage and they havent tried everything. I'd just remind her that finding the intimacy elsewhere will make it all harder/more difficult.

 

that is definitely true. i don't think she sees that at this point though.

 

i know the avenues haven't been exhausted. i'm so sad for them. i think it would destroy him. he's in such a bad personal place right now...has been for a very long time.

 

i don't imagine he'll find a way to help himself without the support of a wife who is totally there for him though.

 

thanks for you input blue.

[SapphireNoir10]

Your welcome

 

Just continue to be such a good friend and remind her of both sides of what shes considering.

[annie24]

i would continue to encourage her to seek counseling.

 

from the totally logical perspective - how would having an affair really help anything??!?!?! i mean, she's married, 4 kids, a husband with depression issues..... um, ok, how is brining another man into this mess going to help anything?!?!!? it's not. i think she needs to either work on this marriage, or get out, but taking on a lover is only going to make things worse, not better.

 

just how close are you two?

[90_hour_sleep]

i would continue to encourage her to seek counseling.

 

from the totally logical perspective - how would having an affair really help anything??!?!?! i mean, she's married, 4 kids, a husband with depression issues..... um, ok, how is brining another man into this mess going to help anything?!?!!? it's not. i think she needs to either work on this marriage, or get out, but taking on a lover is only going to make things worse, not better.

 

just how close are you two?

 

well that's just a further complication. she's someone who has allowed me to open up through a difficult period...and unfortunately i feel that she sees me as someone who could fulfill her on the level that she feels compelled to look for. that terrifies me. i have no desire to interfere with the situation. i don't want to abandon her...but i will not put myself in a compromising position.

 

she has ties to an ex girlfriend of mine. it feels completely awkward...like i'm walking a very thin line. i've considered talking to some of her inlaws...just informing them that she is in need of support...but that doesn't feel like my place. i'm not a part of that family. i'd rather not betray her confidence if that's at all possible.

 

you're absolutely right. a new man will not make her problems go away. it would indeed make the situation that much more complicated. like i said, i don't think she's capable of seeing that at this point though. she's driven by her own needs. it's a constant struggle for her. how long can someone fight.

[waveseer]

She has a choice, nobody has to cheat. If she is done with her marriage then she should end it officially before she crosses the line.

[SnowFox]

You should ask her to visualize looking into her children's eyes many years from now and telling them that she cheated on their dad because she was so unhappy.

 

That angle might be a deterrent for her.

[arcadefire]

If she is looking to cheat with you, don't stoop to that level, and don't help her do that. If you truly care for her, tell her that she needs to seek help and stay strong despite the difficulties that are occurring.

[90_hour_sleep]

If she is looking to cheat with you, don't stoop to that level, and don't help her do that. If you truly care for her, tell her that she needs to seek help and stay strong despite the difficulties that are occurring.

 

no. that's definitely NOT going to happen. lol. that much i'm sure of.

 

appreciate everyone's words here. i've already acted accordingly. there are definitely some boundaries now. i've let her know that i'm there for her as a friend...someone to listen...but nothing more. i think that's what she needs most. what she doesn't need is someone telling her what to do. whatever happens, it needs to be her decision. she has a close friend in similar circumstances...and i get the impression that that friend has a lot of influence on her actions. a different perspective may help her to see her situation in a different light.

 

seeking help will have to be her own conscious decision. i know that she's aware of that option. don't think there's much else i can do for her at this point. just be there.