Daligal's Attempt at Dating

[annie24]

i also wonder if he just wanted to show a pic of you to a friend or something. though i've done the same with some clever screen captures and photo editing programs, lol. without having to ask! he could just be dumb. or maybe he just wants to make sure you are who you say you are, but then he'll figure that out tomorrow.

 

i agree, this guy would be weirding me out a little, considering that you've never met. that's just me.

[Ellie2006]

If you feel this uncomfortable, I think you should trust your instincts. I think he DID come on a bit too strong. What you wrote sounds ok ... respectable and firm.

[Daligal83]

I don't think it's to make sure I say who i am. When I told him no he said "I just wanted a regular face picture. It's cool though, I can wait." So the waiting part makes me think that he wants one later...which is still weird. And if he wants to show his friends, he could turn on a computer.

 

My best friend made the point that even if he had an ex who liked this much texting, he hasn't even met me yet and I'm not his girlfriend. She thinks it's weird that he's giving this much attention to someone he hasn't met yet.

[annie24]

^^ yes, that's a good point - what does your GUT tell you?

[Daligal83]

That I don't want to go. I was never all that into him, but thought I'd see what happens. And now I've been creeped out. lol

 

I just question myself because I can be harsh sometimes. I get turned off too easily sometimes and I want to make sure I'm not doing that. But I guess those other times I was just listening to my gut as well because when I like a guy, it's not as easy for me to get annoyed like this.

[Ellie2006]

If you're annoyed even before going on the date, UNLESS he really wows you on the date, do you think your mind would be changed easily about this guy?

 

And if things go ... ok on the date and you two start to "date" casually: do you think he'd be a good fit to you, overall? At the very least, he'd be demanding of your time/attention via texts OR this inclination of his *may* appear in a different shape/form when you two actually start dating.

 

I am ok with texting with bf. I actually prefer it to speaking on the phone bc I am not a phone person and I communicate better via writing.

 

But what he did was a bit too much and even if you were to go on a date and hit it off with him, this "annoying" trait of his might not decrease... which would definitely be something to think about.

 

[EDITED TO ADD] I dont think you were harsh in this case. I think many women would have been hesitant to go on the actual date after how he acted prior to the date. Dont second-guess yourself

[Daligal83]

You're exactly right. I canceled. He responded with "hmmm...why do you say that? I was really looking forward to meeting."

 

I don't know what to say back to that...I'm not good at this.

[annie24]

this guy is a moron. you don't owe him any sort of an explanation. just enough to say that you don't think you are a good match. which i think you already did say!

[Daligal83]

So should I even reply back? Or just say that I just don't think we'd be a good match?

[Ellie2006]

I agree with Annie. I dont think you owe him anything else, other than what you've already said.

 

So any plans with the new guy you met at the gym? Hope things work out

[Daligal83]

No plans yet, but hopefully I'll see him again! I'm going tomorrow afternoon and I don't know what time he goes. Usually I go right after work but I'll be there a little earlier tomorrow since I have the day off. And I can't go Tuesday since I'm going out for Mardi Gras. But he said he's there everyday so I guess after that I'll see if we go at the same time or not. I hope we do! He seemed real nice and laid back.

[Daligal83]

By the way, thank you guys for helping me out. I want to give you rep points, but I guess you can't in the journal section! So thank you!!!

[Daligal83]

I did have good face pictures on the site. I don't get why he would want them on his phone or why he'd think it's OK to ask. I mean I understand if he wants to show friends, but again he could just log onto the website. And I think the "I can wait" part meant that he thought that once we met I'd be OK with it.

 

He just seemed way too needy and insecure. Between the texting and asking what my thoughts are on glasses since he wears them at night...yea just too many weird things before even meeting for me haha.

 

It's a good thing I went shopping today. Retail therapy is needed lately!

[Daligal83]

So I saw J at the gym today, which was total luck because it wasn't at the same time as yesterday and it wasn't my normal time since I had the day off. We ended up talking at one point again and I was telling him how I'm going out for Mardi Gras tomorrow at a local bar. He was going back to do some weights and asked if I'd be around for awhile and I told him I was just stretching and then going home. So then he asks what time I'm going to the bar tomorrow and said he might see me there

 

Funny thing is that he works where my sister works. He works the grounds and she does HR. I just told her and she doesn't know him, but when I first said I met someone who works the grounds there she goes "oh no..." I guess there's been a lot of drama with the department and since she's HR she has to deal with it. And she likes to keep work and personal life separate. I promised her no drama haha.

[Daligal83]

Well J came out to the bar tonight and we talked for over 4 hours! He got my number and asked me out for this weekend. He kept complimenting me and saying how glad he is that I talked to him. So we'll see how things go!

 

I was telling my coworker about him and as soon as I mentioned his job, she was saying how I want a guy who makes a good living because I ideally want to stay home and raise my kids. While I would like that to be the situation, I told her that making a good salary is a bonus, not a requirement. I think that it's much more important to choose a partner for who the person is instead of what job they have. I mean could she really think that I should turn down someone that could be right for me just because of a job? (Not that this guy is right for me, I'm still getting to know him of course. I'm just saying in general because she's had this reaction before).

[JeckyllNHyde]

I agree. I know alot of people who take the guys job into consideration though.

Usually it's people who are very much "marriage minded" if you know what I mean. Their number one goal is thinking long term, instead of seeing where things go and hoping for the best lol.

I can't say their way is wrong, as I've seen really succesfull (financially) couples come out of it. Not for me either though. I'd rather let love happen and go with it instead of limit choices. Character>Job/career. I like ambitious people do, etc... but that's a part of character I guess.

[Batya33]

That's great to hear! I wouldn't have turned down someone because of their salary but I would have wanted to know that they were financially stable, ambitious, and, yes, probably had potential to increase their salary so that if needed we could live on his salary for a period of time if we had a child. For me that meant avoiding "struggling artists" and similar. Even though I was and am a huge fan of the arts I didn't want to take the gamble on financially supporting someone's dream to be an artist/actor/musician since I did want a family someday.

 

But it's all relative, I didn't grow up rich, had no/have no desire to be rich so to me financially stable seemed reasonable. I also knew that I was ambitious with a strong work ethic which meant I wanted someone compatible and that chances were that I would contribute at least equally to the family income, even if I took time off to raise a family.

 

Of course as I got older I felt more strongly about this - less time for a guy to sort of turn things around if he wasn't financially stable to start with - but even at your age I felt this way. At the same time I definitely agree with being a romantic and not writing people off who you feel a connection to/potential with -- there's a way to balance it, for sure

 

Anyway, glad you had a great time - keep us posted, please!

[Daligal83]

Yea see I don't know how much potential he has for career growth really. He works on the grounds of a facility and has been there for four years, which is good and shows stability. We were both joking around yesterday about how we're poor though. But we have so much in common and similar views on things, which I really like. Financially, I would like to be "comfortable" though. I don't need to be rich, but I grew up middle class and I don't think I want to go through life living pay check to pay check.

 

The only thing that is bugging me, and it's ridiculous, is that I'm not as attracted to him as I was to K. Which is dumb because K was dumb. I mean I definitely have some attraction, that's why I started talking to J. But I was really really attracted to K and it's not at that level. I'm hoping as I get to know him it'll turn into that though.

[Batya33]

This sounds like a great start!! As far as the attraction level try not to compare - part of what attracted you to K was the bad boy stuff and knowing it was probably just going to be a fun fling - that can really effect the dynamics as opposed to here where there's a real chance of something developing.

I have friends who married men in similar situations career wise to "J" where their career situations were far more upwardly mobile. It's been a mixed bag in general - but I think it did help that they knew this about the person going in so they could "prepare" mentally and emotionally.

 

Can't wait to read about the next date!!

[Daligal83]

Yea I'll try not to compare. I have this issue where if a guy likes me and it's not just as a fling thing, I get anxiety. I'm much better about it than I used to be, but I also haven't been single for this long in awhile. So now I'm all used to being on my own and doing what I want to do and such and I've got a little anxiety. I don't know why I get like this. I'll just have to take it slow and day by day with no expectations.

[Batya33]

I agree. I know alot of people who take the guys job into consideration though.

Usually it's people who are very much "marriage minded" if you know what I mean. Their number one goal is thinking long term, instead of seeing where things go and hoping for the best lol.

I can't say their way is wrong, as I've seen really succesfull (financially) couples come out of it. Not for me either though. I'd rather let love happen and go with it instead of limit choices. Character>Job/career. I like ambitious people do, etc... but that's a part of character I guess.

 

I think there's a way to balance the long term view while having a short term blast. I managed to do that fairly well. Long term view doesn't only involve financial but common goals when it comes to planning a family, marriage (timing and whether the person has marriage as a goal) - absolutely if marriage and family hadn't been a goal of mine I pobably would have dated men I was attracted to but who weren't suitable for marriage for one reason or another. I found it a positive thing to be marriage minded and found that positive in my partners because then we had it all - we could have a blast and go with the flow while knowing in the back of our mind that we were working towards something long term, which would get more to the front of our mind after we got serious.

 

I have no issue with people who just want to go with the flow and take things day by day but I think often people lie to themselves about wanting something long term and settle for short term (because the other person is unavailable, has said he/she doesn't want marriage or children, or there are fundamental differences that would make a long term relationship highly improbable) telling themselves they'll just go with the flow. That turns out to be exciting in the short term but the nagging doubts only grow as the emotional attachment does.

[Batya33]

Yea I'll try not to compare. I have this issue where if a guy likes me and it's not just as a fling thing, I get anxiety. I'm much better about it than I used to be, but I also haven't been single for this long in awhile. So now I'm all used to being on my own and doing what I want to do and such and I've got a little anxiety. I don't know why I get like this. I'll just have to take it slow and day by day with no expectations.

 

I can relate and good for you for staying with this and not giving into the temptation to run!

[Daligal83]

Yea I'm sticking with it and seeing what happens. I saw him today at the gym and he was a lot quieter, but then again we were at the gym and not a bar haha. But he was still showing interest because he got on the machine next to mine, stretched out with me and walked me to my car. He's such a nice guy...he offered to brush my car off and I of course told him I could handle it.

 

I don't feel that overwhelming chemistry, but he has really good qualities that I look for in a boyfriend and he's easy to talk to. So like I said, I'll see what happens. There's enough chemistry there to keep going.

[Daligal83]

So I feel like if things go well on the date, it's going to be one of those situations where I have to explain that I need a lot of personal time. I'm getting the sense that he jumps into relationships, which I definitely don't want to do. He only got an hour of sleep last night and I mentioned that I was surprised to see him at the gym and he said he told me he'd be there so he went. Even though I told him I was taking a class today. We have plans for Saturday and he asked me to get a drink after I have dinner at my sister's tomorrow. I just don't need to see someone that often right from the start. Even as it is, I've seen him everyday since Sunday.

 

Why can't I find a guy in the middle? Either they blow me off or want to be around me too much. Balance, people, balance!!

[Daligal83]

I just got home from the date. I was so anxious all day and felt sick. I wasn't feeling positive about going at all. But I did have a good time. Only a few awkward silences. We went to dinner and then a movie, but had to try three different theaters before finding a decent movie at the right time. I went back and forth through the whole freaking date lol. I'd be like, OK I'm feeling good about this. Then five minutes later it'd be, I'm not sure about him. He is such a nice guy, but not in the doormat way. A total gentleman. He held every single door for me. I mentioned that the table was rocking when I was cutting my chicken, so he put his foot on the leg so it'd stop. He's such a good guy. But I'm not getting that feeling of like, I could spent hours with him. With other guys I've wanted to seriously date, it was like I couldn't get enough time with them. I didn't get that with J. But I did have a good time and definitely liked kissing him. He asked if I wanted to get a beer at the bar behind my apartment when he dropped me off and I said no. I'm honestly just tired and want to go to bed. Plus I was just kind of "done" with the date, you know? I don't know if that's good or bad.