Daligal's Attempt at Dating

[annie24]

i wouldn't worry. he just spent the whole weekend with you! maybe he just has some friends he needs to see? or maybe he doesn't know his plans just yet. you know when people are flakey and they don't have real plans. don't worry about it, ok?

[Daligal83]

Well it wasn't that he didn't know what was going on yet cause it was happening at that moment. I still haven't heard anything from him. He hasn't left yet though. I drive by his friend's place on my way home from the grocery store (I always do, I didn't go out of my way haha) and his car was still there.

 

I'm trying to be cool about it. I'll just have to see what happens. It just ends at this point so often or starts to go badly. Plus I actually care this time...

 

One thing that I've noticed that he does that I don't like is that he talks about other girls a lot. Like past girls he's dated. But it's in the context of a story, he's not talking about them in an attached kind of way. And he'll, again in context, bring up a girl and then say that he thinks she's interested but he's not. I don't get why he does that. One of the times he did it and I joked that he seems to have that problem a lot. I don't think he did it again after that haha. I just don't want to hear about it, you know? The one good part of one of those times is that some girl was asking about him being in town and he told her he was meeting up with me, so that's kind of good.

[Daligal83]

So he's been texting me. He initiated it. He's leaving to go back home now and he told me to call him later tonight Is it pathetic that I miss him a tiny bit already? What is wrong with me! I'm never like this.

[Daligal83]

OK this is frustrating me. So freaking up and down.

 

He texts me and says he has a few extra hours here because his daughter's mother is taking her to school tomorrow. And then he says that his friend and the gf have been passed out for an hour. So naturally I tell him he can come over here. He asks where I am and I tell him I'm at home. So then he says that he's exhausted and doesn't know what kind of company he'd be, but then texts again saying that maybe he'll drink a red bull. I told him that I'll be here, so to just let me know. Then he asks how I'm holding up (I'm exhausted too) and I replied and now I haven't heard from him.

 

Why tell me he's staying if he doesn't want to come see me?

[annie24]

meh, this is why texting sucks. real dates are better. don't worry about it.

[Daligal83]

I know but we live an hour and a half apart.

 

OK so he called and it turns out he did have to leave to get his daughter. He said he was just about to call me and say he was coming over when she called and told him the change in plans. So we talked his whole way back home and while he picked up his daughter. He just had to get off and he said he'd call me back in like 20.

 

So I guess things are all good lol. I just need to relax. There's a lot of potential here. We were talking about parenting views again and we're just so similar. And that is HUGE to me. I don't think we'll see each other next weekend because it's his daughter's birthday and I have plans on Saturday. But hopefully the weekend after!

[annie24]

lol! glad things are going well. don't get too ahead of yourself yet. just enjoy getting to know him. i know you are excited about him but try not to get too attached too quickly.

[Daligal83]

I know, you're right. I have to keep reminding myself that this is still the phase where I'm getting to know him. I could even decide at some point that I'm not interested. I just need to relax and enjoy his company right now...even if it's mostly over phone because of the distance.

 

Thank you annie for posting all the time and keeping me sane

[annie24]

no prob. you keep me sane too.

[Batya33]

Sorry I haven't been posting - have had limited/no internet access the last 2 plus weeks - this does sound promising. Haven't read all your posts but how do you feel about the daughter "situation?" Has he dated a lot as a single dad? Has he dated mostly women with or without kids?

[Daligal83]

The way I see it, it's not a dealbreaker but I have to see how it goes. I don't want drama. But she seems like a really good kid and he seems like an amazing dad. Her mother is another story, but more like they have very different parenting styles. Not that they are always fighting. So from what I know so far, I think I can handle it. It's not like I'd need to be her parent.

 

It seems like he's dated a lot. Like I said, he brings up other girls he has dated frequently (not my favorite thing). I don't know all the details though. No idea if they have had kids or how many have met his daughter. Two of them have been serious, I know that, but I don't know how many others.

[Daligal83]

My emotional side and rational side are fighting.

 

Today is the first day since JV and I have met that I haven't heard from him. He texted me first thing yesterday morning and I called him last night. I'm not making contact again today since I called yesterday. Emotionally I'm not happy because it's a change in routine which always makes me nervous. Plus I just really like hearing from him. Logically I know it's just one day, he's probably busy and he's been reliable this whole time so it's fine. And what could have changed from yesterday, honestly. But then the emotional side comes back and is like, he's managed to make contact even when busy every other day...what's going on today?

 

Ugh. Dating.

[Daligal83]

I'm a loser. He texted me haha. And now we're talking on facebook chat so I can save my texts. He talks about us going back to the aquarium together I wish we lived in the same city so it'd be easier to get together.

[annie24]

lol! stop getting upset over nothing! have fun watching the fishies!

[Daligal83]

The first guy I talked to on eharmony has reappeared. We talked for a week or so and then he disappeared. That was in December. I got an email from him today apologizing for not keeping in touch and wanting to know if I was still interested in getting to know him better. I definitely don't want to explore anything right now. I'm too into JV and even though I know I shouldn't put my eggs all in one basket, I'm not going to risk rocking the boat for someone that didn't like me enough at first to continue contact. I'm thinking of sending an email saying that I just started seeing someone, but that I'll keep him in mind. But I don't know if I should even do that. I'm sure he started seeing someone else, which is why he disappeared, and that's fine. It's a dating site. But disappearing like that is kind of immature since we were texting back and forth frequently. What do you guys think?

 

Also, just had a very disheartening conversation with my sister. Apparently her and my mother are not crazy about JV. They don't like his situation...meaning that he is living at home, unemployed, has a kid, and the mom is not exactly mentally healthy. The thing is, he's working toward opening his own business and really does work on it everyday. He was living with his ex and that went south, which is why he had to move home. He's been there for 10 months. He wants out. What I told my sister is that I know these things are not ideal and potential issues, but it's not enough to walk away. There are too many other good things there. But it's not like I'm going to marry a guy who isn't employed and supporting himself. I think if it got serious and we were dating for a year and he still wasn't employed (via his business or another job), I would walk. But who knows what it's going to turn into or what choices he's going to make.

 

I'm just frustrated because I feel like they've judged him based off of those factors and that's it for them. I don't think that they'll give him a fair chance if we do get into a serious relationship. I know they are just looking out for me, but it's not like I haven't considered these things.

[annie24]

you know, i would send that eharmony guy back an email. just basically saying 'thanks for remembering me, but i've recently met someone that i'm really into and want to see where things go. i'll let you know if the situation changes.' you know, that way, he knows this is what happens when you disappear from a woman's life for 3 months!!!! she meets someone new!

 

i wouldn't worry so much about your mom and sis at this stage. i mean, you've only been on a few dates with this guy. maybe you'll decide soon he's not for you. or maybe he will improve his situation in the next few months. i wouldn't tell mom and sis anything else about him.

[Daligal83]

Yea I really shouldn't say anything. But if it does go somewhere and he meets them, they would have asked those questions already anyway. I told my sister that I'm worried that they are going to be too judgmental and not give him a fair shot if it gets to that point. She said she wouldn't be mean to him. I told her I'm just going to keep them in the dark from now on lol. Which is sad because I like being open with them...but it's like they don't trust me to make a good decision. Of course I'm not going to get myself involved in this ridiculous situation. But I don't know if it is one yet.

 

Besides, those are situational factors. He has so many qualities as a person that I'm crazy about. And those are the ones that are constant. Situational factors can change. And if they don't, I can leave.

 

Seriously, my ex heard freaking voices in his head and my mother said nothing. But this guy has these issues and she's not happy. I don't get it.

 

Oh and annie I LOVE how you worded that email. I'm copying and pasting it hahaha.

[Daligal83]

The eharm wrote this back:

 

Thanks for writing back. I sincerely wish you the best with this person. All is well with me and my life finally seems to be getting back to a normality. I hope all is well with you too and if your interested in getting to know each other as friends i would like that but at the same time i understand if you would feel awkward, I'll leave it up to you.

 

 

The part about the normality makes me think that something has happened. Should I be asking? Should I be communicating with him at all? I don't know what to do with this situation lol.

[Batya33]

I wouldn't communicate with him further - if you feel the need to respond I would simply write "thanks for letting me know and I wish you the best - I'll be in touch if it's appropriate and if you're still interested and available we'll take it from there"

 

I can see where you mother/sister are concerned - it does seem like he has a lot of drama/baggage and given your age maybe they're thinking why should you have to take all that on (if you were in your 40s then many people of course would have exes/children, etc). But I'm not judging as far as you continuing to see him - just proceed with caution.

[savagegirl]

I wouldn't communicate with him further - if you feel the need to respond I would simply write "thanks for letting me know and I wish you the best - I'll be in touch if it's appropriate and if you're still interested and available we'll take it from there"

 

I can see where you mother/sister are concerned - it does seem like he has a lot of drama/baggage and given your age maybe they're thinking why should you have to take all that on (if you were in your 40s then many people of course would have exes/children, etc). But I'm not judging as far as you continuing to see him - just proceed with caution.

I agree, you ARE young, and really, that is the type of baggage that comes way further down the road in life usually like say if you are dating in your 30's and 40's. The problem with dating him for a year and then breaking up if his job and life situation doesn't improve is that you will be way more attached and it will be alot harder to end the relationship. Just proceed with caution.

[Daligal83]

I know what you guys are saying and it's something I had already gone over in my head before my sister even brought it up. It's a concern for me as well, but not an immediate one. I guess I'm upset because the way my sister put it is that he's already been written off and they don't care about any other details about him.

 

There are so many other good things about him, things that are not circumstantial, that I really like. Things that are very important to me.

 

For all I know this will fade out before it ever becomes anything serious, but I want to give it a shot.

 

As for eharm guy, I emailed him back asking what happened these past few months as it affects my decision to continue contact. He gave some side reasons...dad's health and moving. Then said that he was talking to someone before he talked to me, thought it was going nowhere with her so started talking to me, then they decided to give it a shot. He said as he typed it out that he realizes how jerky he was about just letting things fade. He said that obviously things didn't work out and he was thinking of trying eharmony again and thought about me and how he didn't give things a chance when he said he should have.

 

I'm still not sure what to do. I did like him. I wasn't heartbroken when it drifted off, but I was interested. I don't know.

[Batya33]

If you are not yet exclusive with JV and not sure how you feel about being a stepmom and serious with a man who is financially unstable, then keep all your options open and especially meet this person, who you definitely were interested in meeting. I think his excuses are fine - he didn't owe you anythng although of course it would have been nice if he let you know where things stood.

[Ellie2006]

I know you're annoyed with your mom and sister's reaction to JV but I think they're probably able to see that you are excited about him -- more so than anyone who you've dated in the past couple months. So they worry. And they intervene in hopes to nip it in the bud bc they know that if you're this excited, you may let your heart lead you ... astray (?)

 

i might sound like a total snob but if you were my sister, i think i might have said the same thing ... sorry for being a naysayer.

 

anyways, i agree with batya and annie -- why not meet with the EH guy for coffee or something? if you two dont hit it off, at least you wont have to wonder what might have been ... just a thought!

[Daligal83]

I wouldn't say he's financially unstable. He only quit his job in January and was just saying yesterday that if the business doesn't pick up very soon, he's going to have to go get a job so he has income coming in again. And he was able to save up enough that he could take these few months off. And even if he had kept his job, it was a slow period and he wouldn't have been really making a profit anyway. I know he's not in a good situation and like I said, it's a concern for me as well, but I don't think I should say he doesn't have potential just because I happened to meet him during the few months that he was going through this. Like I said though, it's something that I of course have to keep in mind as this continues.

 

And I really don't mind the stepmother thing. He's a very good parent and she seem like a good kid. I'm tougher than people realize that I think I could handle it. Of course, like the financial situation, I need to see how it goes. I'm not naive and I know it would be hard. We have the same situation in my family so I've seen how difficult it can be. I've also seen other friends get into similar situations and it's worked out just fine.

 

I think all of these issues are concerns, but not reasons to run away. I just don't know what any of it will turn into it and there is enough of a connection and enough other good things that I'm willing to take the risk to find out. Even if I get hurt.

 

As for the EH guy...I think I'm OK with just talking to him as friends. I don't think I should make it anything more right now because I'm just too into JV. I know myself and I wouldn't give him a fair shot.

 

I also just wanted to say...about my family...its not upsetting to me that they expressed their concern. I appreciate that they did that. It's the way my sister went about it. It was done in a way that assumes I'm too dumb or ignorant to realize that this could potentially be a bad situation. And they didn't bother to ask for any other information about him whatsoever. I mean what if 6 months from now he's living on his own and has stable employment of whatever kind...and I just gave up on it because he was in that situation at this exact moment? I could be missing out on something amazing.

[Daligal83]

OK, so JV and I were talking last night. He was at his friend's place getting ready to go out. We talked for about a half hour and then he asked if he could call me back in a bit because he had to go get ready. That was at around 10:30 last night and I never heard back from him.

 

Of course I'm not going to make the next contact. Assuming he does contact me today, do I bring it up? We've only been talking for two weeks so I feel like it's early for me to address something like that, but at the same time I don't feel like he should think that's OK if things do progress with us. This is the first time since we met that he hasn't followed through on something he said he would do. So I figure that I could just be like, hey what happened last night, or something and see what he says. I'm sure he just got caught up in going out, but I feel like I have to at least address it in some way so he knows that it bothers me.