Daligal's Attempt at Dating

[Daligal83]

You didn't overstep any boundaries Batya. I know you're saying all of it out of concern and it is something that could potentially be an issue. But even though I like him and it'd be nice if things were different so there could be potential for more, I know for sure that it won't happen. I'm definitely not expecting him to change and refuse to change myself, which I made clear to him. And I honestly don't think he would force the issue. If he did, I would stop it pretty quickly. His mother has no problem with his behavior...I guess she occasionally smokes too.

 

As far as reputation, not really an issue. There are really no reputations around here. I mean people know me at the gym, but they know me so I'm not worried about that changing. And if it did because of him, well then they don't know me well enough for me to care. Anyone I've talked to about it, I've made it clear it's just for fun.

 

I know I have the potential to get too attached, but I stay pretty level-headed about this stuff. It may not seem like it on here, but that's just because I'm just spilling thoughts. I'm not going to limit myself to him, I even talked to a friend today about setting me up with a friend of hers. It honestly just that I really do enjoy his company and I'm attracted to him. But because of his activities and maturity level, it will never be anything more.

[annie24]

yeah, i was thinking he sounds like a fun time, but i think you're going to wind up long term with a classier, more mature man. but, nothing wrong with having some fun in the meantime!!!

[Daligal83]

Yea and I think he has potential to be that guy...but way way way down the road and there's NO way I'm waiting around for that. He showed parts of that classier side to him...he held my arm while we were walking through a snowy area so I wouldn't fall. When we got into the restaurant, I was freezing. The host asked if we had a preference where to sit and he goes, somewhere warm for her. And when I thought there might be a walnut in my salad (I'm deathly allergic), he asked the waitress about it. Doesn't make up for the other stuff of course, but I'm just saying he's not ALL bad lol.

[Batya33]

Yea and I think he has potential to be that guy...but way way way down the road and there's NO way I'm waiting around for that. He showed parts of that classier side to him...he held my arm while we were walking through a snowy area so I wouldn't fall. When we got into the restaurant, I was freezing. The host asked if we had a preference where to sit and he goes, somewhere warm for her. And when I thought there might be a walnut in my salad (I'm deathly allergic), he asked the waitress about it. Doesn't make up for the other stuff of course, but I'm just saying he's not ALL bad lol.

 

Sure, those are kind gestures. Not at the level of "classy" - to me they're pretty basic for what a nice person does. He also found it appropriate to send you a text about whether you were going to dress sexy and if he was stoned at the time, all that means is he felt that it was appropriate to contact a lady while he was stoned.

 

I understand you like and are attracted to him. I'm glad to hear you're going on dates with other guys. I hope you can keep this fun and light.

[Daligal83]

Well no concerns to be had. It's already over lol. God these things always end so quickly with me.

 

He texted me the day after the date, so we were talking. I asked what he was doing this weekend and he said hopefully spending sometime with me. I asked when he was free and he said usually always, so I said how about Saturday. He said he'd have to check his ultra busy schedule. I thought he was joking since he JUST said he's always free and I'm usually busy...so I was like, well if it works with your busy schedule you can pick the time this time. He just says, OK sounds good. So I was like, well just let me know then. And he said he would the next day.

 

Of course I didn't hear from him. That was Thursday he should have let me know. On Friday afternoon I texted him about something else and he was answering. He said he was painting his mom's place and would send me a picture. So I told him that I was figuring out my Saturday and did he want to hangout or not. That was 6 PM last night. No answer. So last night I made other plans.

 

I'm not emotionally upset about it, but annoyed because I don't like being disrespected. It's just crazy how he switched within the same conversation.

 

This is such a theme in my life that it's ridiculous.

[Batya33]

It's consistent with his drug habit and related lifestyle - and with his previous behavior in planning the last date. I think it's a blessing - now you can focus on the other guy your friend wants you to meet.My guess is you will hear from him by text at some point late tonight.

[Daligal83]

He texted me this afternoon to apologize and said that he spent the night working at his mother's. He said he wasn't in the mood to go out tonight and asked what my plans were. I waited a few hours then told him that since I didn't hear from him, I made plans with a friend.

 

Yea I'll meet the other guy, but probably not until March. He's a lot older than me though. My usual limit is 10 years and I think he's almost 14 years older. But I'll see. My friend that I hung out with this afternoon is also on the hunt for me lol. But it's crazy how when you ask people, they always say that their friends aren't good for setting up with. They literally can't think of anyone. And this is like my friends asking their friends or boyfriends if they know any decent guys. What gives!

[Daligal83]

OK his response to my text about having plans now: "lame"

 

Seriously? I'm debating between saying that it's lame not to get back to people too or just ignoring. Right now I'm just ignoring lol.

[Batya33]

I wouldn't respond - just let it be.

 

As far as not having people to set you up with - I set up people on a regular basis. I don't just throw people together so it takes work - time and effort to get in touch with both people, transfer the phone number/email, tell them about each other, etc. - and I wonder if some people just don't want to be bothered with the effort.

[annie24]

eh, don't bother. i agree with batya that he sounds like a total pothead. just kind of flakey and doesn't know what the hell he is doing. blah. honestly, i think you can and will do better. i wouldn't be surprised if he texted you a few days from now wanting to get together!!!

 

meh, as far as 14 years older, i understand what you mean. but you never know. my friend was friends with this other guy from church, nearly 20 years older than her! (though he looks 10 years younger than he is.) well, he pursued her for a long time, and she said she was only interested as a friend. finally he wore her down and now they are happily dating, and i think they will get engaged soon. he treats her like a queen. very nice guy. so, i guess you never know, give him a chance.

[Daligal83]

Yea I'll give it a chance. It's just hard because my sister is 6 years older and she flips whenever I date someone older than her.

 

K (pothead) has been texting me all night haha. He's telling me how he's bored and it's funny lol. I was telling my friend what happened and he's like, he's young...he probably doesn't even know he's being rude. I don't really buy that though.

[Batya33]

Oh I think he knows but doesn't care and/or chooses to get high so he can have an excuse to be rude.

 

I would meet the older guy - what's the harm?

[Daligal83]

Yea age is never an excuse for rudeness. I just think it's funny that I ended up going out last night and he sat home bored. I had told him I was going out for drinks and when he said he was bored I told him he should go out. He goes, "where?" He was probably trying to get me to say, oh come to the bar I'm at! But no. I told him, I don't know lol, wherever you guys like to go. I was already at home at that point anyway lol.

[Daligal83]

Well we ended up texting all last night through the game. He texted asking where I was going and we were rooting for different teams so it was trash talk all night. Then he goes, if I win you gotta cuddle with me. I told him he'd have to make plans with me for that to happen. So then it was obvious that his team was going to win, so he texts that I'll have to cuddle with him on Friday. So we'll see if those plans workout. I have backup plans in case they don't.

[Batya33]

I'm surprised you're interested in hanging out with him again. It sounds like there is something else going on with you that is triggering this level of interest in a person like this. I don't think this is one of those lighthearted "oh this is just a fun fling" and I am concerned for your emotional safety. Sorry if that sounds patronizing.

[Daligal83]

It doesn't sound patronizing, don't worry. I really am not emotionally attached, I promise. And the second I feel like I am I would back out of the situation. I'm just in a massive dry spell and want male attention I think. I know that's not the best place to be in, but I know myself and know that I'll handle it in the right way so that I don't get into a bad situation.

[Batya33]

Many thanks for taking this the right way. I do trust your judgment, intelligence, etc. of course! It also might help if you have an "objective" friend who can talk you down from a tree as needed.

[Daligal83]

Absolutely I know you say it out of concern for me and I really do appreciate it. It's good to know that you're looking out for me! And it's good to have that check to make sure I stay unattached. I really do think I'm in a good position right now because I'm not upset if I don't hear from him for a day at all and when he bothers me, it's frustration not an emotional reaction. Plus when I think of him it's usually..."I want to make out with him" haha

[Daligal83]

OK I don't know what to do in this situation. One of my best friends met this guy out at a bar and they casually dated. She completely fell for him and wanted more and he didn't. But he handled it crappy...as in letting her treat him to a very expensive dinner and then sleeping with her. She was pretty heartbroken over the whole thing and I think it still stings a bit.

 

So as you guys know, I'm on eHarmony. I think I was just matched with him. I only met him once, but the second I saw him I was like, oh crap. So do I tell her? I feel like I shouldn't because we've been going off of the assumption that he just doesn't want anything serious. But if he's on that site, I guess he just didn't want it with her. Which is INSANE because she is gorgeous, intelligent, hysterically funny...just one of the best people I know. He's really an idiot.

 

But what do you guys think I should do? I feel weird keeping it from her but I don't want her to get hurt either.

[Batya33]

But how would she find out if you don't tell her? She's not still seeing him, right? He did act like a jerk. I assume you're not planning on communicating with him, right?

 

I knew personally two people on eharmony who had no intention of having a serious relationship.

[Daligal83]

No she's not seeing him and I would NEVER talk to him. Unless it's to tell him off for treating her that way (which of course I would never actually do). She would never find out if I don't tell her, I just kinda feel weird seeing him on there and not telling her. But I'd rather feel weird than see her get hurt. Ugh I hate that guy.

[Batya33]

No she's not seeing him and I would NEVER talk to him. Unless it's to tell him off for treating her that way (which of course I would never actually do). She would never find out if I don't tell her, I just kinda feel weird seeing him on there and not telling her. But I'd rather feel weird than see her get hurt. Ugh I hate that guy.

 

Is it possible there's another side to it - that he was still on the fence about her and he gave it that one last date to see? And that maybe he didn't ask to be taken to that restaurant and figured if she wanted to go there he'd let her treat since he had treated her before?

[Applewhite]

Is it possible there's another side to it - that he was still on the fence about her and he gave it that one last date to see? And that maybe he didn't ask to be taken to that restaurant and figured if she wanted to go there he'd let her treat since he had treated her before?

 

There are always at least two sides to a story.

[Batya33]

There are always at least two sides to a story.

 

That wasn't my point - my point was the details of what the other side could be (his side could well be "she told me she wanted to have sex with me and didn't insist on exclusivity so I figured why not")

[annie24]

i don't know this guy, obviously, but like batya was saying, since they were dating casually, and they had sex, well, he was under no obligation to seriously start dating her. and like batya said, dinner could have been her idea. i dunno. just because your friend is beautiful and all that doesn't mean he felt the right 'vibe' with her. maybe he's a decent guy who just wasn't all that into her?

 

i think you should consider your friendship, if you'd rather have the friendship or a date with him. if she'd get upset about communicating with him, then i wouldn't do it. not really worth it.